1
00:00:06,005 --> 00:00:08,005
[helicopter whirring]

2
00:00:08,071 --> 00:00:10,971
[tense music playing]

3
00:00:11,671 --> 00:00:13,305
It's great seeing you again.

4
00:00:13,371 --> 00:00:14,871
This is a big night.

5
00:00:14,938 --> 00:00:19,938
The fans want you, everyone wants you,
but it's not your night.

6
00:00:20,005 --> 00:00:21,271
Sorry, Drew.

7
00:00:21,338 --> 00:00:22,738
Brady?

8
00:00:22,805 --> 00:00:24,138
- Yeah, coach?
- You're in.

9
00:00:24,205 --> 00:00:25,638
- Let's go!
- Let's go.

10
00:00:26,438 --> 00:00:28,438
Are you fucking kidding me?

11
00:00:28,505 --> 00:00:29,505
Again?

12
00:00:30,271 --> 00:00:31,705
[dramatic music playing]

13
00:01:00,005 --> 00:01:01,438
{\an8}[audience cheers]

14
00:01:01,505 --> 00:01:05,471
{\an8}Now, live from
the Netflix Is a Joke Festival,

15
00:01:05,538 --> 00:01:08,805
{\an8}it's the greatest roast of all time.

16
00:01:08,871 --> 00:01:13,805
Let's bring out the only man brave enough
to step into the arena with the GOAT.

17
00:01:13,871 --> 00:01:18,671
Get on your feet
for the one and only Kevin Hart!

18
00:01:18,738 --> 00:01:21,771
- [rap music playing]
- [audience cheers]

19
00:01:27,838 --> 00:01:30,338
[Hart] Yeah!

20
00:01:30,405 --> 00:01:31,505
[inaudible dialogue]

21
00:01:32,171 --> 00:01:34,271
Y'all can do better than that,
Los Angeles.

22
00:01:34,338 --> 00:01:35,905
Make some noise in here!

23
00:01:39,705 --> 00:01:40,871
I love it.

24
00:01:41,605 --> 00:01:44,571
I love it. Sit down. Sit down.

25
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[rap music fades]

26
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Sit down. Welcome.

27
00:01:49,071 --> 00:01:50,071
Welcome, guys.

28
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I wanna say good evening,

29
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{\an8}and more importantly, I wanna welcome you
to the greatest roast of all time.

30
00:01:55,971 --> 00:01:57,671
{\an8}Understand what I just said?

31
00:01:58,505 --> 00:02:01,338
The greatest roast of all time.

32
00:02:01,405 --> 00:02:04,405
- [audience cheers]
- There you go. That's what I want.

33
00:02:05,405 --> 00:02:06,705
That's what I want.

34
00:02:06,771 --> 00:02:11,705
Uh, guys, we are here to roast
the greatest quarterback of all time.

35
00:02:11,771 --> 00:02:14,305
[audience cheers]

36
00:02:14,371 --> 00:02:15,371
Yeah.

37
00:02:16,538 --> 00:02:19,638
Wait, Joe Montana's here?
Is it Joe Montana, or is it...?

38
00:02:19,705 --> 00:02:21,071
[audience laughs]

39
00:02:21,138 --> 00:02:24,705
Okay. Well, you know what, guys?
We're live. These are real problems.

40
00:02:24,771 --> 00:02:27,538
If it's not Joe Montana,
then it should be worded differently.

41
00:02:27,605 --> 00:02:28,605
If it's Tom Brady,

42
00:02:28,671 --> 00:02:32,338
we should say we're talking
about one of the greatest to do it.

43
00:02:32,405 --> 00:02:34,338
Not the greatest.
The greatest is Joe Montana.

44
00:02:34,405 --> 00:02:36,571
Okay, that's good. Okay.

45
00:02:36,638 --> 00:02:38,871
That's good. That's good. Okay.

46
00:02:38,938 --> 00:02:40,571
All right. Corrections are made.

47
00:02:40,638 --> 00:02:41,638
Guys, we are live.

48
00:02:41,705 --> 00:02:47,671
We are live here in Inglewood
at the Kia Forum, the legendary Kia Forum.

49
00:02:47,738 --> 00:02:50,205
[audience cheers]

50
00:02:50,271 --> 00:02:52,971
There's a lot of history attached
to this place, man.

51
00:02:53,038 --> 00:02:55,571
A lot of greatness has happened
in this building.

52
00:02:55,638 --> 00:02:58,805
This is the home
of the original Showtime Lakers, man.

53
00:02:58,871 --> 00:03:02,071
- Jerry Buss. Yes!
- [audience cheers]

54
00:03:02,138 --> 00:03:03,171
Yes.

55
00:03:03,238 --> 00:03:05,305
You know, a lot of people
actually don't know

56
00:03:05,371 --> 00:03:07,805
the real reason
behind the name Showtime, right?

57
00:03:07,871 --> 00:03:11,871
It's not because of, like,
Magic and Kareem and their play.

58
00:03:11,938 --> 00:03:13,571
They called this place Showtime,

59
00:03:13,638 --> 00:03:17,338
uh, because Jerry Buss used to show
everybody his dick in this building.

60
00:03:17,405 --> 00:03:20,805
This was where Jerry Buss
pulled his dick out.

61
00:03:20,871 --> 00:03:23,371
A lot of nasty shit has happened
in this building.

62
00:03:24,205 --> 00:03:26,305
A lot of fucking has went down
in the Forum.

63
00:03:26,371 --> 00:03:30,138
That's what they called it.
The Fucking Forum is what they called it.

64
00:03:31,438 --> 00:03:33,805
I wish I had a black light right now,
I'd turn that bitch on,

65
00:03:33,871 --> 00:03:38,138
so y'all can see the cum stains
you sitting on in these nasty-ass seats.

66
00:03:38,205 --> 00:03:39,871
It's a nasty place.

67
00:03:44,071 --> 00:03:47,105
That's right. You better get comfortable
being uncomfortable, baby.

68
00:03:47,171 --> 00:03:50,671
Now, right now, I know what you guys
are probably asking yourself.

69
00:03:50,738 --> 00:03:54,371
You're saying, "Guys, why didn't we go
to the Crypto.com Arena downtown?"

70
00:03:54,438 --> 00:03:55,971
The reason why we didn't go there

71
00:03:56,038 --> 00:03:58,138
is because we didn't
wanna remind Tom's fans

72
00:03:58,205 --> 00:03:59,538
of how much money he owes them.

73
00:03:59,605 --> 00:04:02,738
He fucked those people.
Tom fucked those people. Yeah.

74
00:04:03,405 --> 00:04:04,471
Yes, he did.

75
00:04:05,271 --> 00:04:06,671
Fucked them good, didn't he?

76
00:04:07,338 --> 00:04:08,338
Wow.

77
00:04:08,871 --> 00:04:12,305
Tom brought Boston with him tonight.
Holy shit.

78
00:04:12,371 --> 00:04:13,471
Look at this.

79
00:04:13,538 --> 00:04:15,371
[audience cheers]

80
00:04:15,438 --> 00:04:16,705
Goddamn.

81
00:04:17,338 --> 00:04:21,171
I've never seen Inglewood so white.
Jesus Christ.

82
00:04:23,571 --> 00:04:25,571
It's so fucking white in here.

83
00:04:27,105 --> 00:04:31,405
Looks like a Bruce Springsteen concert
just let out. Jesus Christ.

84
00:04:31,971 --> 00:04:34,905
This used to be home of the Lakers.
Now it look like the home of the Quakers.

85
00:04:34,971 --> 00:04:36,871
What the fuck is going on?

86
00:04:36,938 --> 00:04:38,305
This is so bad.

87
00:04:38,371 --> 00:04:40,971
Tom is gonna have to kick
those racist jokes tonight.

88
00:04:41,038 --> 00:04:42,205
He's gonna have to kick them.

89
00:04:42,271 --> 00:04:43,471
It's gonna be hard, though.

90
00:04:43,538 --> 00:04:46,238
I saw a white-only water fountain
in the back. I did.

91
00:04:46,305 --> 00:04:48,105
[audience laughs]

92
00:04:48,171 --> 00:04:49,538
I did. I did.

93
00:04:49,605 --> 00:04:51,271
Fuck you, Tom. All right.

94
00:04:52,238 --> 00:04:54,638
Just gonna keep randomly saying,
"Fuck you, Tom."

95
00:04:54,705 --> 00:04:58,438
Uh, the good thing about the bathroom is
that whole situation will be fine.

96
00:04:58,505 --> 00:05:01,438
It will be settled, but, guys,
there's good parts to the show tonight.

97
00:05:01,505 --> 00:05:03,238
And I wanna tell you
what the good parts are.

98
00:05:03,305 --> 00:05:05,505
The good parts are attached to Tom Brady.

99
00:05:05,571 --> 00:05:07,138
Now, before I cut his legs out,

100
00:05:07,205 --> 00:05:09,438
before I take what he has underneath him,

101
00:05:09,505 --> 00:05:11,971
I actually wanna give him
some ground to stand on, okay?

102
00:05:12,038 --> 00:05:16,471
I actually wanna address the fact
that Tom Brady truly is the GOAT.

103
00:05:16,538 --> 00:05:19,405
Let's talk about this man's success.
Let's talk about it.

104
00:05:19,471 --> 00:05:20,971
[audience cheers]

105
00:05:21,038 --> 00:05:22,205
Let's talk about it.

106
00:05:23,505 --> 00:05:28,171
Twenty-three seasons,
seven Super Bowl wins.

107
00:05:28,238 --> 00:05:30,905
- Seven. Yes.
- [audience cheers]

108
00:05:30,971 --> 00:05:33,538
A three-time NFL MVP.

109
00:05:33,605 --> 00:05:34,605
Goddamn.

110
00:05:34,671 --> 00:05:36,505
Guys, hearing me say it is one thing,

111
00:05:36,571 --> 00:05:38,638
but you actually seeing it
for yourself is another.

112
00:05:38,705 --> 00:05:39,705
Take a look.

113
00:05:40,705 --> 00:05:43,805
[Netflix theme music playing]

114
00:05:43,871 --> 00:05:45,438
[announcer 1] <i>And we're about set to go,</i>

115
00:05:45,505 --> 00:05:49,938
<i>110,000 settling in here
at historic Michigan Stadium.</i>

116
00:05:50,905 --> 00:05:53,238
<i>Take a look at Tom Brady from Michigan,</i>

117
00:05:53,305 --> 00:05:57,105
<i>the most underrated
college quarterback in the country.</i>

118
00:05:57,171 --> 00:05:58,238
<i>The crowd is on its feet.</i>

119
00:05:58,305 --> 00:06:01,705
<i>Brady takes the snap,
drops back to throw, fires.</i>

120
00:06:04,171 --> 00:06:07,438
[announcer 2] <i>Touchdown, Patriots!
What a throw from Tom Brady!</i>

121
00:06:07,505 --> 00:06:09,905
<i>Let's go! Let's go!
Super Bowl Champions again.</i>

122
00:06:09,971 --> 00:06:11,805
[Brady] <i>Let's go!</i>

123
00:06:11,871 --> 00:06:13,871
[dramatic music playing]

124
00:06:14,938 --> 00:06:19,705
[narrator] <i>The poorest way to face life
is to face it with a sneer.</i>

125
00:06:23,005 --> 00:06:26,638
<i>Many men feel a kind
of twisted pride and cynicism.</i>

126
00:06:28,671 --> 00:06:30,805
<i>It is not the critic who counts.</i>

127
00:06:33,038 --> 00:06:36,071
<i>Not the man who points out
how the strong man stumbles.</i>

128
00:06:37,571 --> 00:06:42,238
<i>The credit belongs to the man
who is actually in the arena.</i>

129
00:06:43,971 --> 00:06:48,105
<i>- Who strives gallantly.</i>
- One play at a time, huh?

130
00:06:48,171 --> 00:06:51,571
<i>Whose face is marred
by dust, and sweat, and blood.</i>

131
00:06:51,638 --> 00:06:53,005
[announcer 3] <i>Brady, looking.</i>

132
00:06:53,071 --> 00:06:55,771
[narrator] <i>Who comes short
again and again.</i>

133
00:06:55,838 --> 00:06:57,371
[announcer 4] <i>Oh, my goodness.</i>

134
00:06:57,438 --> 00:06:59,805
[announcer 5]
<i>Tom Brady took a tremendous hit.</i>

135
00:06:59,871 --> 00:07:04,238
[narrator] <i>But if he fails, at least
he fails while daring greatly.</i>

136
00:07:04,305 --> 00:07:08,171
[announcer 5] <i>Thing we know about Brady
is that a comeback is always possible.</i>

137
00:07:10,638 --> 00:07:15,838
[narrator] <i>So that his place shall never
be with those cold and timid souls</i>

138
00:07:15,905 --> 00:07:17,371
<i>who neither know victory...</i>

139
00:07:19,205 --> 00:07:20,205
<i>nor defeat.</i>

140
00:07:20,838 --> 00:07:25,171
<i>♪ Drinkin' dope
Turned me to a superhero, yeah, yeah ♪</i>

141
00:07:25,238 --> 00:07:29,471
<i>♪ Hit that pill
Turned me to a superhero, yeah, yeah ♪</i>

142
00:07:29,538 --> 00:07:33,605
<i>♪ Boominati
Turned me to a superhero, yeah, yeah ♪</i>

143
00:07:33,671 --> 00:07:35,671
[audience cheers]

144
00:07:35,738 --> 00:07:37,738
[inaudible dialogue]

145
00:07:37,805 --> 00:07:40,871
<i>♪ I'm on that dope again
I'm on that flow again ♪</i>

146
00:07:40,938 --> 00:07:43,205
[Hart] Ladies and gentlemen,
please do me a favor

147
00:07:43,271 --> 00:07:45,438
and get on your goddam feet,

148
00:07:45,505 --> 00:07:49,038
and right now
help me welcome the fucking GOAT.

149
00:07:49,105 --> 00:07:55,005
The best quarterback
to ever do it, Tom Brady!

150
00:07:55,071 --> 00:07:57,071
[audience cheers]

151
00:08:16,338 --> 00:08:17,238
[rap music fades]

152
00:08:17,305 --> 00:08:18,705
Thank you.

153
00:08:20,205 --> 00:08:21,205
Thank you.

154
00:08:24,071 --> 00:08:25,305
Thank you.

155
00:08:25,371 --> 00:08:27,971
- [audience cheers]
- Uh, please. Thank you, guys.

156
00:08:28,705 --> 00:08:29,771
Thank you.

157
00:08:31,138 --> 00:08:32,138
Thank you.

158
00:08:36,405 --> 00:08:38,571
[audience chanting] <i>Brady! Brady! Brady!</i>

159
00:08:38,638 --> 00:08:39,771
Thank you.

160
00:08:39,838 --> 00:08:43,005
<i>Brady! Brady! Brady!</i>

161
00:08:43,071 --> 00:08:44,538
[man] That's our MVP!

162
00:08:46,638 --> 00:08:47,638
[Brady] Thank you.

163
00:08:52,271 --> 00:08:53,505
All right.

164
00:08:53,571 --> 00:08:54,871
Are you guys ready?

165
00:08:54,938 --> 00:08:57,138
[audience cheers]

166
00:08:57,205 --> 00:08:59,005
Because I am.

167
00:08:59,071 --> 00:09:00,271
It's game time.

168
00:09:00,338 --> 00:09:01,338
Let's go.

169
00:09:03,905 --> 00:09:06,205
[indistinct chatter]

170
00:09:06,938 --> 00:09:07,838
[Hart] All right.

171
00:09:08,405 --> 00:09:09,638
All right.

172
00:09:10,938 --> 00:09:12,305
All right.

173
00:09:13,038 --> 00:09:16,805
Tom, get all your guys settled down.
That's right. It's go time.

174
00:09:17,538 --> 00:09:19,705
- What a crazy night, Tom.
- [Brady] Crazy.

175
00:09:19,771 --> 00:09:22,905
It's finally here, man. It's finally here.

176
00:09:22,971 --> 00:09:26,571
You know, Tom, this is crazy
because for more than 20 years,

177
00:09:26,638 --> 00:09:31,438
Tom has ruined Sundays
for football fans all over the country.

178
00:09:31,505 --> 00:09:32,571
All over the country.

179
00:09:32,638 --> 00:09:34,305
But tonight, tonight,

180
00:09:34,371 --> 00:09:36,171
tonight we're gonna ruin yours, Tom.

181
00:09:36,238 --> 00:09:38,171
I'm gonna ruin your fucking Sunday.

182
00:09:38,238 --> 00:09:40,005
We are here...

183
00:09:40,071 --> 00:09:42,471
We are here to honor this man tonight.

184
00:09:42,538 --> 00:09:44,605
Man, this a room
full of friends and family.

185
00:09:44,671 --> 00:09:46,705
I'm looking around. It's insane.

186
00:09:46,771 --> 00:09:50,338
I wanna let you know, Tom, off the bat,
that that's not why I'm here.

187
00:09:50,405 --> 00:09:52,805
I'm not here for your support.

188
00:09:52,871 --> 00:09:54,971
I'm here for the money.
They paid me well, right?

189
00:09:55,038 --> 00:09:57,071
Let's just... Let's just get that out.

190
00:09:57,138 --> 00:09:59,171
They paid me very, very well, Tom.

191
00:09:59,238 --> 00:10:02,338
And I'm also here to do
little promo hits here and there.

192
00:10:02,405 --> 00:10:03,405
I'm on tour.

193
00:10:03,471 --> 00:10:06,171
It's called "Acting My Age."
Go to kevinhartnation.com.

194
00:10:06,238 --> 00:10:08,005
Uh, it's a live audience.

195
00:10:08,071 --> 00:10:10,571
Why would I not take advantage
of this moment, Tom?

196
00:10:10,638 --> 00:10:12,371
It's not about you. Fuck you.

197
00:10:12,438 --> 00:10:13,438
Uh...

198
00:10:14,305 --> 00:10:15,405
It's a second of Kevin.

199
00:10:15,471 --> 00:10:18,338
Now, I think we do have to track Tom,

200
00:10:18,405 --> 00:10:20,738
and we do have to track
where you are in your life right now.

201
00:10:20,805 --> 00:10:22,071
I wanna congratulate you,

202
00:10:22,138 --> 00:10:24,305
'cause a peaceful life is
what you're now living,

203
00:10:24,371 --> 00:10:25,738
and that's a big deal, a big deal.

204
00:10:25,805 --> 00:10:26,838
For two years.

205
00:10:26,905 --> 00:10:30,238
It's been two years
since Tom's gotten divorced, right?

206
00:10:30,305 --> 00:10:31,338
Two years.

207
00:10:31,905 --> 00:10:33,505
Two years. And, uh...

208
00:10:34,138 --> 00:10:37,705
Since then, since then,
Tom has been fucking.

209
00:10:37,771 --> 00:10:39,505
- He's been fucking.
- [audience laughs]

210
00:10:39,571 --> 00:10:41,538
Yeah. Yeah.

211
00:10:41,605 --> 00:10:44,238
Yeah, that's right.

212
00:10:45,438 --> 00:10:48,038
Tom's been putting
that 2-inch tool to work.

213
00:10:48,105 --> 00:10:50,138
Yep. Yep.

214
00:10:50,205 --> 00:10:51,338
[Hart laughs]

215
00:10:51,405 --> 00:10:53,638
Yes, he has.

216
00:10:53,705 --> 00:10:56,971
Tom's been fucking so much
that his dick has CTE.

217
00:10:57,038 --> 00:11:00,071
- Yeah. Yeah.
- [audience laughs]

218
00:11:00,138 --> 00:11:03,305
Most people get STDs, Tom gets CTEs.

219
00:11:03,371 --> 00:11:05,138
Yeah, it's the difference.

220
00:11:05,205 --> 00:11:06,605
Good for you, though, Tom.

221
00:11:06,671 --> 00:11:09,805
By the way, single life is what
you deserve because you had no choice.

222
00:11:09,871 --> 00:11:11,438
Gisele gave you a ultimatum.

223
00:11:11,505 --> 00:11:16,338
Gisele said, "You retire or we're done."
That's what she said to you, Tom.

224
00:11:16,405 --> 00:11:18,771
"You retire or we're done."

225
00:11:19,505 --> 00:11:21,005
Let me tell you something.

226
00:11:21,071 --> 00:11:22,971
When you got a chance to go 8-9,

227
00:11:23,038 --> 00:11:25,705
and all it will cost you
is your wife and your kids...

228
00:11:26,971 --> 00:11:30,605
you gotta do what the fuck you gotta do,
do you understand me?

229
00:11:31,871 --> 00:11:32,871
Yeah.

230
00:11:33,538 --> 00:11:34,971
You gotta do it.

231
00:11:35,771 --> 00:11:37,138
You gotta do it.

232
00:11:37,205 --> 00:11:39,738
You know what that's called, Tom?
You know what that's called?

233
00:11:39,805 --> 00:11:41,605
- [Brady] What?
- That's called real nigga shit.

234
00:11:41,671 --> 00:11:44,738
- That's what that's called, Tom.
- [audience laughs]

235
00:11:44,805 --> 00:11:47,338
Yeah, Tom! Fuck them kids.

236
00:11:47,405 --> 00:11:49,171
[audience laughs]

237
00:11:49,238 --> 00:11:50,271
Shit.

238
00:11:54,205 --> 00:11:55,205
Yeah.

239
00:11:55,771 --> 00:11:58,971
You asked me to come here, bitch.
I told you what I was gonna do.

240
00:11:59,838 --> 00:12:02,138
Uh, this is also a good time to say, man,

241
00:12:02,205 --> 00:12:05,205
I love the fact that you and Gisele
are finding a way to co-parent

242
00:12:05,271 --> 00:12:06,505
and still keep it together, man.

243
00:12:06,571 --> 00:12:08,905
Gisele is actually here
supporting you tonight.

244
00:12:08,971 --> 00:12:13,205
But just for full transparency, uh,
she came as Antonio Brown's plus-one.

245
00:12:13,271 --> 00:12:15,171
- How does that...?
- [audience laughs]

246
00:12:15,238 --> 00:12:16,405
What?

247
00:12:17,005 --> 00:12:18,005
What?

248
00:12:19,338 --> 00:12:20,338
What?

249
00:12:21,571 --> 00:12:22,771
What did I say?

250
00:12:24,071 --> 00:12:25,438
What did I say?

251
00:12:26,171 --> 00:12:27,905
I'm just here to have a good time.

252
00:12:28,605 --> 00:12:32,038
Before you can get comfortable,
you gotta get uncomfortable.

253
00:12:32,105 --> 00:12:34,538
I'm removing the discomfort
from this room.

254
00:12:34,605 --> 00:12:36,438
Speaking of discomfort,

255
00:12:36,505 --> 00:12:39,938
let's talk about Bill Belichick
for a second. Um, Tom...

256
00:12:41,705 --> 00:12:43,338
It's just a good segue, man.

257
00:12:43,405 --> 00:12:47,738
You know, the world knows that you left
Bill Belichick high and dry, man.

258
00:12:47,805 --> 00:12:52,605
You left him, and then you went to Tampa,
and you won a championship. Holy shit.

259
00:12:53,838 --> 00:12:55,338
Holy shit.

260
00:12:56,405 --> 00:13:00,205
You left Bill Belichick
with Mac Jones. Goddamn.

261
00:13:01,371 --> 00:13:02,805
Oh, you fucked him.

262
00:13:02,871 --> 00:13:04,205
You fucked him good.

263
00:13:05,271 --> 00:13:07,638
You did. You did, Tom.
You fucked your coach.

264
00:13:07,705 --> 00:13:10,205
But let me tell you something, people.
Let me tell you something.

265
00:13:10,271 --> 00:13:12,638
That's what you gotta do
to maintain your happiness.

266
00:13:12,705 --> 00:13:13,871
You understand?

267
00:13:13,938 --> 00:13:15,771
You sometimes got to fuck your coach.

268
00:13:15,838 --> 00:13:17,605
You know who else fucked that coach?

269
00:13:17,671 --> 00:13:19,338
Gisele. She fucked that karate man.

270
00:13:19,405 --> 00:13:23,671
- [audience laughs]
- Nope. Nope. Listen. What?

271
00:13:24,571 --> 00:13:25,571
What?

272
00:13:34,471 --> 00:13:37,771
What a idiot. Why would you do this?
What a idiot!

273
00:13:37,838 --> 00:13:38,838
All right.

274
00:13:40,371 --> 00:13:42,438
I mean, Jesus Christ, Tom.

275
00:13:42,505 --> 00:13:44,705
One of the smartest quarterbacks
to ever play the game.

276
00:13:44,771 --> 00:13:46,071
How did you not see this coming?

277
00:13:46,138 --> 00:13:48,338
Eight fucking karate classes a day.

278
00:13:48,405 --> 00:13:50,805
Eight karate classes a day?

279
00:13:52,338 --> 00:13:53,338
She...

280
00:13:53,405 --> 00:13:55,405
[audience cheers]

281
00:13:58,571 --> 00:14:00,371
[Hart laughs]

282
00:14:01,771 --> 00:14:05,605
Eight karate classes a day
and she's still a white belt.

283
00:14:05,671 --> 00:14:07,405
She's still a white belt.

284
00:14:08,305 --> 00:14:09,805
Fuck, Tom.

285
00:14:09,871 --> 00:14:13,505
The only bruises she have are on her ass.
Everybody should have known it!

286
00:14:14,405 --> 00:14:17,238
All right, you gotta get uncomfortable.

287
00:14:18,438 --> 00:14:20,405
Oh, my God,
the scariest part about this, guys,

288
00:14:20,471 --> 00:14:22,605
is if we have any problems, man,
I'm worried for you.

289
00:14:22,671 --> 00:14:25,271
Jesus Christ, you can't lose
any fights to the bonus dad.

290
00:14:25,338 --> 00:14:28,238
Kids are gonna have to change their name.
The fucking guy knows karate, Tom.

291
00:14:28,305 --> 00:14:31,171
You can't fight this guy.
I can't help you with this guy.

292
00:14:31,238 --> 00:14:32,438
[exclaims]

293
00:14:32,505 --> 00:14:34,305
Everybody's asking
the same question right now,

294
00:14:34,371 --> 00:14:35,671
and I know what that question is.

295
00:14:35,738 --> 00:14:37,338
Who the fuck are these people behind me?

296
00:14:37,405 --> 00:14:41,005
Um, here's a good time
to tell you the truth. We lied.

297
00:14:41,071 --> 00:14:44,038
We told you guys that there would be
a lot of superstars here tonight.

298
00:14:44,105 --> 00:14:45,671
But there aren't. It's just me.

299
00:14:45,738 --> 00:14:47,271
Uh, outside of me...

300
00:14:48,105 --> 00:14:50,138
You got me, you got a bunch
of out-of-shape athletes,

301
00:14:50,205 --> 00:14:52,238
some horrible podcasters...

302
00:14:52,305 --> 00:14:54,771
[audience laughs]

303
00:14:54,838 --> 00:14:55,838
...and one whore.

304
00:14:55,905 --> 00:14:57,038
There's one whore here.

305
00:14:57,705 --> 00:14:58,705
All right?

306
00:14:59,971 --> 00:15:00,971
What?

307
00:15:01,471 --> 00:15:02,471
What?

308
00:15:03,205 --> 00:15:06,838
Now, this dais is gonna be filled
with energy and great jokes.

309
00:15:06,905 --> 00:15:08,038
I wanna let you guys all know

310
00:15:08,105 --> 00:15:09,838
that I'm quarterbacking
this bitch tonight.

311
00:15:09,905 --> 00:15:11,405
With that being said,

312
00:15:11,471 --> 00:15:14,871
that means
I've got a lot of guns with a lot of ammo.

313
00:15:14,938 --> 00:15:16,205
This is how these roasts work.

314
00:15:16,271 --> 00:15:18,805
See, the dais, they come up here,
and they talk about Tom,

315
00:15:18,871 --> 00:15:19,971
they gonna take shots at me.

316
00:15:20,038 --> 00:15:24,071
I wanna let you guys know,
I got two full fucking clips.

317
00:15:24,138 --> 00:15:27,871
Now, you fuck with me if you want,
I'm gonna shoot these guns.

318
00:15:28,338 --> 00:15:31,605
I have no problem shooting these guns.
You think I'm bullshitting?

319
00:15:31,671 --> 00:15:32,971
Tom, they think I'm bullshitting.

320
00:15:33,038 --> 00:15:35,471
Y'all want a test shot?
You wanna see how fast these guns work?

321
00:15:35,538 --> 00:15:37,371
- Here's a little test shot.
- [audience cheers]

322
00:15:37,438 --> 00:15:38,571
A little test shot.

323
00:15:39,371 --> 00:15:40,538
Oh...

324
00:15:40,605 --> 00:15:43,038
Chelsea. Chelsea Handler's here. Okay.

325
00:15:43,105 --> 00:15:45,571
- Hey, Chelsea.
- [audience cheers]

326
00:15:45,638 --> 00:15:48,405
- [mouths] No.
- [Hart] Chelsea. Hey, Chelsea.

327
00:15:48,471 --> 00:15:49,571
Oh, man.

328
00:15:49,638 --> 00:15:52,238
Nothing better than seeing my sister.
Love her to death.

329
00:15:52,305 --> 00:15:54,905
You know, Chelsea, we had you
sitting next to a Black guy,

330
00:15:54,971 --> 00:15:57,938
but we changed it
only because we know how you feel,

331
00:15:58,005 --> 00:16:02,605
and ultimately, the Black dick matters.
You'll fuck a Black dick fast, Chelsea.

332
00:16:02,671 --> 00:16:05,405
Speaking of Black dick,
Kim is here tonight. Hey, Kim.

333
00:16:05,471 --> 00:16:08,271
These are just two guns.
These are two guns.

334
00:16:08,338 --> 00:16:12,971
Kim, I put it down. Bop, bop.
No troubles. No fucking troubles.

335
00:16:15,138 --> 00:16:17,305
Leave me alone and I'll leave you alone.

336
00:16:17,371 --> 00:16:20,071
Chelsea, Kim, you are innocent bystanders.

337
00:16:20,138 --> 00:16:23,471
You had nothing to do with nothing.
You didn't deserve that, and I apologize.

338
00:16:24,771 --> 00:16:26,838
With that being said, guys,
to start a roast,

339
00:16:26,905 --> 00:16:28,338
you have to start it off with a bang.

340
00:16:28,405 --> 00:16:32,305
And to do that,
you gotta do it with a roast master.

341
00:16:32,371 --> 00:16:35,671
A GOAT without a butcher is not a GOAT.

342
00:16:35,738 --> 00:16:39,138
Please welcome,
straight from hell, the real killer,

343
00:16:39,205 --> 00:16:42,138
America's roast master, Jeff Ross.

344
00:16:43,038 --> 00:16:46,038
- [dramatic music playing]
- [audience cheers]

345
00:16:55,805 --> 00:16:59,471
[Ross] What's up, roast fans?
Make some noise!

346
00:16:59,538 --> 00:17:01,538
[audience cheers]

347
00:17:03,738 --> 00:17:06,338
The juice is loose tonight!

348
00:17:09,405 --> 00:17:12,538
If the gloves don't fit,
you must talk shit.

349
00:17:16,471 --> 00:17:18,705
What's up, Patriots?

350
00:17:18,771 --> 00:17:20,638
I just came from hell.

351
00:17:22,205 --> 00:17:24,771
Aaron Hernandez says hello.

352
00:17:24,838 --> 00:17:26,838
[audience laughs and groans]

353
00:17:29,571 --> 00:17:32,571
Yeah, motherfuckers, it's a roast.

354
00:17:34,571 --> 00:17:36,371
And I had to dress like O.J.

355
00:17:36,438 --> 00:17:39,538
'cause I'm about to kill
this white bitch right here.

356
00:17:39,605 --> 00:17:41,605
[audience laughs]

357
00:17:51,538 --> 00:17:52,705
[Hart] Let's go, Jeff.

358
00:17:56,538 --> 00:17:59,671
Now, give it up for the Lord
of the Super Bowl Rings,

359
00:17:59,738 --> 00:18:01,605
my friend Tom Brady.

360
00:18:01,671 --> 00:18:04,138
- [audience cheers]
- Yeah!

361
00:18:07,705 --> 00:18:10,605
{\an8}A man who has so many rings,
he could melt them down

362
00:18:10,671 --> 00:18:13,138
{\an8}and forge a sword to go on a quest

363
00:18:13,205 --> 00:18:16,171
to get Gisele back
from that jiujitsu teacher.

364
00:18:17,805 --> 00:18:19,805
[Ross yelling]

365
00:18:23,171 --> 00:18:27,105
You're a legend, Tom. You really are.
You really put the "jizz" in "Gisele."

366
00:18:27,171 --> 00:18:29,105
[audience laughs]

367
00:18:32,838 --> 00:18:34,838
Let's fucking go!

368
00:18:34,905 --> 00:18:36,805
[audience cheers]

369
00:18:37,405 --> 00:18:39,571
Live on Netflix!

370
00:18:42,905 --> 00:18:45,738
Also live on Netflix
this summer from Dallas,

371
00:18:45,805 --> 00:18:51,038
Mike Tyson is boxing Jake Paul,
a kid more than half his age.

372
00:18:51,105 --> 00:18:54,705
My prediction,
Iron Mike is gonna kill that baby.

373
00:18:54,771 --> 00:18:56,771
[audience cheers]

374
00:18:57,638 --> 00:19:00,438
It'll be the only legal abortion in Texas.

375
00:19:02,705 --> 00:19:05,405
No fear. This is what we do.

376
00:19:06,971 --> 00:19:09,138
Look at you, Tom Brady.
You're so beautiful.

377
00:19:09,205 --> 00:19:11,638
I just wanna fuck
that dimple in your chin.

378
00:19:13,871 --> 00:19:15,805
Oh! Beautiful.

379
00:19:17,771 --> 00:19:19,071
Look at you.

380
00:19:19,138 --> 00:19:22,471
You look like a vampire
that only drinks almond blood.

381
00:19:27,771 --> 00:19:31,038
Tom looks like
he bleaches his asshole just in case.

382
00:19:31,105 --> 00:19:33,238
[audience laughs]

383
00:19:35,371 --> 00:19:38,105
Laugh it up, people. The world needs this.

384
00:19:39,505 --> 00:19:43,305
There hasn't been a roast in years
because everyone's chicken.

385
00:19:43,371 --> 00:19:46,771
- But not you, Tom. You're not chicken.
- [audience cheers]

386
00:19:46,838 --> 00:19:47,838
No way.

387
00:19:51,671 --> 00:19:53,305
I read your book.

388
00:19:53,371 --> 00:19:56,271
You're mostly nuts, berries, and avocados.

389
00:19:57,938 --> 00:20:00,705
<i>The TB12 Method,</i> that's your book.
Very helpful.

390
00:20:00,771 --> 00:20:03,438
In fact, Kevin Hart's been
sitting on it all night.

391
00:20:04,038 --> 00:20:06,038
[audience laughs]

392
00:20:06,605 --> 00:20:10,971
What an opening. I love you, Kevin.
What an opening. You're amazing.

393
00:20:11,038 --> 00:20:13,038
[audience cheers]

394
00:20:15,771 --> 00:20:17,405
I really wanted Kevin to host

395
00:20:17,471 --> 00:20:19,971
'cause he already looks
like a deflated football.

396
00:20:25,205 --> 00:20:28,405
Kevin Hart is the biggest Eagles fan.

397
00:20:28,471 --> 00:20:30,705
In fact, one snatched him up
in his backyard

398
00:20:30,771 --> 00:20:32,938
and dropped him off here this afternoon.

399
00:20:34,005 --> 00:20:35,671
[Ross laughs]

400
00:20:36,538 --> 00:20:37,571
When I first walked in,

401
00:20:37,638 --> 00:20:40,971
I thought, "Is that Kevin Hart,
or did Randy Moss take a knee?"

402
00:20:41,038 --> 00:20:43,038
[audience laughs]

403
00:20:48,438 --> 00:20:51,271
Kevin Hart, I love you, man. I really do.

404
00:20:51,338 --> 00:20:53,305
You're so goddamn funny.

405
00:20:53,938 --> 00:20:56,905
And congrats on being the latest recipient

406
00:20:56,971 --> 00:21:00,438
of the prestigious Kennedy Center's
Mark Twain Prize for Humor.

407
00:21:00,505 --> 00:21:01,938
Well deserved, my man.

408
00:21:02,005 --> 00:21:04,005
[audience cheers]

409
00:21:06,771 --> 00:21:10,738
And surely, if Mark Twain were
around today, he would call you a n...

410
00:21:11,871 --> 00:21:13,871
- A...
- [audience laughs]

411
00:21:15,671 --> 00:21:16,671
A...

412
00:21:17,605 --> 00:21:19,571
National treasure.

413
00:21:22,605 --> 00:21:24,405
Look at this arena!

414
00:21:24,471 --> 00:21:26,471
[audience cheers]

415
00:21:28,338 --> 00:21:31,071
All my friends are here.
This is incredible.

416
00:21:31,138 --> 00:21:32,638
So many legends in the room.

417
00:21:32,705 --> 00:21:36,038
Dana White, I see you hiding over there.
What's up, Dana?

418
00:21:36,105 --> 00:21:38,138
[audience cheers]

419
00:21:38,205 --> 00:21:39,238
Look at this.

420
00:21:42,338 --> 00:21:45,071
Talk about a legend in the room.

421
00:21:45,138 --> 00:21:48,505
Pull back. I wanna show
he brought the whole cast of <i>Queer Eye.</i>

422
00:21:49,271 --> 00:21:51,271
[audience laughs]

423
00:21:55,638 --> 00:21:57,038
Dana, who are these guys?

424
00:21:57,105 --> 00:21:58,571
Are these guys, uh...?

425
00:21:58,638 --> 00:22:00,705
[stammers] Are they neutered?

426
00:22:00,771 --> 00:22:02,671
What the fuck's going on here?

427
00:22:03,505 --> 00:22:05,538
The sign said "no pets," Dana.

428
00:22:06,771 --> 00:22:07,771
I love you, Dana.

429
00:22:07,838 --> 00:22:10,571
You're like Michael Vick
but with human beings.

430
00:22:18,171 --> 00:22:19,205
Tom...

431
00:22:19,938 --> 00:22:21,938
Tom, your teammates are all here

432
00:22:22,005 --> 00:22:25,471
at the beautiful,
sold-out Los Angeles Forum.

433
00:22:25,538 --> 00:22:28,505
- Incredible.
- [audience cheers]

434
00:22:30,571 --> 00:22:35,571
By the way, "forum" is also
how Rob Gronkowski counts to five.

435
00:22:37,538 --> 00:22:39,605
Four, um...

436
00:22:39,671 --> 00:22:42,405
Five, um...

437
00:22:42,471 --> 00:22:44,471
[audience laughs]

438
00:22:47,538 --> 00:22:50,005
I love you, Gronk. I love you, Gronk.

439
00:22:50,871 --> 00:22:53,838
Poor Gronk.
He thinks his last name is Owski.

440
00:22:53,905 --> 00:22:55,905
[audience laughs]

441
00:22:59,271 --> 00:23:02,338
You're one of the greatest, Gronk.
You're one of the greatest.

442
00:23:03,305 --> 00:23:05,471
- They love you.
- [audience cheers]

443
00:23:09,071 --> 00:23:10,071
Of course...

444
00:23:11,238 --> 00:23:14,305
growing up, it was never even
Gronk's dream to play football,

445
00:23:14,371 --> 00:23:17,405
but his parents figured,
"Hey, he's already wearing the helmet."

446
00:23:17,471 --> 00:23:19,005
[audience laughs]

447
00:23:23,638 --> 00:23:26,171
Julian, can you explain
that joke to Gronk?

448
00:23:29,805 --> 00:23:31,138
Oh, man.

449
00:23:31,805 --> 00:23:35,071
We're doing it Boston-style tonight.
I'm telling you.

450
00:23:35,138 --> 00:23:37,138
[audience cheers]

451
00:23:39,071 --> 00:23:40,771
Boston-style, you know.

452
00:23:40,838 --> 00:23:43,638
It's gonna be a marathon,
and somebody's gonna bomb.

453
00:23:43,705 --> 00:23:45,705
[audience laughs and groans]

454
00:23:47,371 --> 00:23:48,371
[man] Yeah!

455
00:23:50,905 --> 00:23:52,438
[Ross] Hey, listen, man.

456
00:23:53,638 --> 00:23:55,771
No fear. This is what we do.

457
00:23:55,838 --> 00:23:57,371
That's what Tom told me.

458
00:23:58,771 --> 00:24:02,505
Thanks for coming in, Tom,
from your new home state of Florida.

459
00:24:02,571 --> 00:24:05,405
We wanted to roast you in Florida,
but because of your governor,

460
00:24:05,471 --> 00:24:07,271
we wouldn't be able to call you gay.

461
00:24:08,205 --> 00:24:10,671
[audience laughs]

462
00:24:14,471 --> 00:24:16,671
What an underdog story, man.

463
00:24:17,571 --> 00:24:21,571
Against all odds.
It all started in San Mateo, California.

464
00:24:21,638 --> 00:24:23,738
[audience cheers]

465
00:24:26,071 --> 00:24:29,438
Tom's mom, who's here tonight
somewhere. Where is she?

466
00:24:30,205 --> 00:24:31,205
Yeah.

467
00:24:32,105 --> 00:24:35,371
She was in labor with you for 43 hours.

468
00:24:35,438 --> 00:24:37,471
Talk about staying in the pocket.

469
00:24:38,305 --> 00:24:40,838
[audience laughs]

470
00:24:40,905 --> 00:24:46,538
Tom was eventually drafted
199th in the NFL draft.

471
00:24:47,505 --> 00:24:50,205
You sat there for days,
waiting and waiting,

472
00:24:50,271 --> 00:24:52,838
and then you were finally picked
in the sixth round

473
00:24:52,905 --> 00:24:56,438
when Bill Belichick's dog stepped
on the keyboard by accident.

474
00:24:56,505 --> 00:24:58,505
[audience laughs]

475
00:25:04,838 --> 00:25:06,171
So Tom...

476
00:25:07,171 --> 00:25:09,838
became a Patriot, moved up to New England,

477
00:25:09,905 --> 00:25:12,438
and on the first day of training camp,

478
00:25:12,505 --> 00:25:16,705
that scrawny rookie famously walked
into the owner Robert Kraft's office

479
00:25:16,771 --> 00:25:21,271
and said, "I'm the best decision
your organization has ever made."

480
00:25:21,338 --> 00:25:23,405
[audience cheers]

481
00:25:27,471 --> 00:25:29,471
"Would you like a massage?"

482
00:25:29,538 --> 00:25:31,538
[audience laughs]

483
00:25:40,171 --> 00:25:41,538
I love Robert Kraft.

484
00:25:41,605 --> 00:25:44,738
- Don't say that shit again.
- Okay, okay, okay.

485
00:25:44,805 --> 00:25:46,671
He's having fun. Look at him.

486
00:25:47,505 --> 00:25:50,005
I love what you do
for the Jews, Robert Kraft.

487
00:25:50,071 --> 00:25:51,238
You're incredible.

488
00:25:53,105 --> 00:25:54,371
Shalom, my brother.

489
00:25:55,738 --> 00:25:58,905
From that point on,
everything was a fairy tale.

490
00:25:58,971 --> 00:26:02,171
Unless you're Drew Bledsoe,
then it was a total fucking nightmare.

491
00:26:02,238 --> 00:26:04,238
[audience laughs]

492
00:26:06,571 --> 00:26:07,571
Drew.

493
00:26:07,638 --> 00:26:09,638
[audience cheers]

494
00:26:18,638 --> 00:26:22,171
Ah, of course,
Super Bowl MVP Julian Edelman is here.

495
00:26:22,238 --> 00:26:23,605
Hi, Julian.

496
00:26:23,671 --> 00:26:26,105
[audience cheers]

497
00:26:28,771 --> 00:26:30,971
Of course, Julian's considered

498
00:26:31,038 --> 00:26:34,071
the greatest Jewish football player
of all time.

499
00:26:35,538 --> 00:26:36,905
Which is pretty impressive,

500
00:26:36,971 --> 00:26:39,671
until you realize
the guy in second place was me.

501
00:26:39,738 --> 00:26:41,738
[audience laughs]

502
00:26:42,505 --> 00:26:43,571
[Ross sighs]

503
00:26:43,638 --> 00:26:47,205
Tom, I really wanted you
to be our first GOAT to be roasted

504
00:26:47,271 --> 00:26:50,005
because you're an example
to future generations

505
00:26:50,071 --> 00:26:54,738
that if you work hard, eat right,
film the other team's practices...

506
00:26:54,805 --> 00:26:56,471
[audience laughs]

507
00:26:56,538 --> 00:27:01,171
...deflate the balls, and have the NFL
make new rules just for you,

508
00:27:01,805 --> 00:27:03,105
then you, too, can be

509
00:27:03,171 --> 00:27:07,038
the third most famous guy
in a Dunkin' Donuts commercial.

510
00:27:07,105 --> 00:27:10,805
[Ross chanting] <i>U.S.A! U.S.A! U.S.A!</i>

511
00:27:16,871 --> 00:27:20,271
Tommy, you once told me
that it was your dream to be roasted,

512
00:27:20,338 --> 00:27:23,671
and here we are, proving
that you're not just a great athlete,

513
00:27:23,738 --> 00:27:25,505
you're also a great sport.

514
00:27:25,571 --> 00:27:27,571
[audience cheers]

515
00:27:29,238 --> 00:27:32,571
And if I ever have a son, I want him
to be smart, strong, and driven,

516
00:27:32,638 --> 00:27:34,405
just like you, Tom.

517
00:27:34,471 --> 00:27:38,238
Which is why tonight at the after-party,
I'm gonna try to fuck your sister.

518
00:27:39,505 --> 00:27:40,805
Julie!

519
00:27:40,871 --> 00:27:42,571
You're my number-one draft pick.

520
00:27:42,638 --> 00:27:44,805
Let's fucking go!

521
00:27:44,871 --> 00:27:47,838
I love you guys! Thank you, everybody!

522
00:27:47,905 --> 00:27:49,905
[audience cheers]

523
00:27:50,905 --> 00:27:52,905
[speaking indistinctly]

524
00:27:55,105 --> 00:27:56,305
Wow.

525
00:27:57,605 --> 00:27:59,005
Wow.

526
00:27:59,071 --> 00:28:02,505
Stop being a bitch, Jeff. Just sit down.
Stop kissing his ass.

527
00:28:02,571 --> 00:28:06,038
"You okay? You okay, right, Tom?
It was just jokes."

528
00:28:07,638 --> 00:28:08,905
Such a bitch.

529
00:28:10,838 --> 00:28:15,138
Uh, guys, make sure you guys
check out Jeff's one-man show.

530
00:28:15,205 --> 00:28:17,705
Uh, it's playing
at the Hollywood cemetery.

531
00:28:17,771 --> 00:28:19,871
- Um, I'm not...
- [audience laughs]

532
00:28:19,938 --> 00:28:23,605
I'm not even joking.
His career is literally dying. It's dying.

533
00:28:24,371 --> 00:28:27,971
If we stop doing these roasts,
you will not see Jeff Ross ever again.

534
00:28:28,038 --> 00:28:29,038
Do you hear me?

535
00:28:29,538 --> 00:28:32,938
Save Jeff Ross.
Keep the roasts going. Jesus Christ.

536
00:28:35,005 --> 00:28:38,938
Jeff, you're so fucking... Bitch.
I heard you over there, you bitch.

537
00:28:39,671 --> 00:28:41,105
[gibbers]

538
00:28:41,171 --> 00:28:44,238
"Tom, you all right? Yeah.
Your hair is so straight."

539
00:28:44,305 --> 00:28:46,305
[audience laughs]

540
00:28:46,371 --> 00:28:47,505
You know the funny thing?

541
00:28:47,571 --> 00:28:49,938
You came out here trying to act
like you were upset with O.J.

542
00:28:50,005 --> 00:28:51,338
and all that little attitude.

543
00:28:51,405 --> 00:28:52,671
It's got nothing to do with O.J.

544
00:28:52,738 --> 00:28:56,371
Jeff Ross, you're mad about the fact
that it was a waiter that got killed

545
00:28:56,438 --> 00:28:58,171
who brings out food, you fat fuck.

546
00:28:58,238 --> 00:29:01,305
That is one less waiter on the streets.
That's what you're upset about.

547
00:29:02,405 --> 00:29:05,571
Fucking Jeff Ross.
Just keep the roasts coming, okay?

548
00:29:05,638 --> 00:29:08,405
What else do you have going on?
There other shit happening in your life?

549
00:29:08,471 --> 00:29:10,738
One-man show. "Take a Banana
for the Ride."On tour now.

550
00:29:10,805 --> 00:29:13,571
- "Take a Banana for the Ride?" On tour.
- Thank you.

551
00:29:13,638 --> 00:29:16,338
I wish I could give you a bunch of shit,
but I actually love you, Jeff.

552
00:29:16,405 --> 00:29:18,471
I actually do, man. Good shit.

553
00:29:18,538 --> 00:29:20,271
Jeff is the only person that I see,

554
00:29:20,338 --> 00:29:22,638
and every time I see him,
I just say he looks sicker.

555
00:29:22,705 --> 00:29:24,371
I don't know what's happening.

556
00:29:24,438 --> 00:29:25,738
[audience laughs]

557
00:29:25,805 --> 00:29:28,671
It's just getting sicker and sicker,
but we can't nail it down.

558
00:29:28,738 --> 00:29:29,838
We don't know what it is.

559
00:29:29,905 --> 00:29:33,105
All right, guys,
coming to the stage right now is a man.

560
00:29:33,171 --> 00:29:37,371
Well, a man who was picked first
in the NFL draft and last for this roast.

561
00:29:37,438 --> 00:29:39,805
Please welcome Drew Bledsoe.
Come on, Drew.

562
00:29:40,305 --> 00:29:42,571
- [rap music playing]
- [audience cheers]

563
00:29:55,671 --> 00:29:56,671
[rap music fades]

564
00:29:57,205 --> 00:30:00,071
It's a pretty cool, uh...
Pretty cool stage up here.

565
00:30:00,138 --> 00:30:01,038
{\an8}Uh...

566
00:30:02,371 --> 00:30:03,738
{\an8}This reminds me, um...

567
00:30:03,805 --> 00:30:05,838
{\an8}[audience cheers and boos]

568
00:30:08,105 --> 00:30:11,471
- Settle down. I got some jokes to tell.
- [audience laughs]

569
00:30:11,538 --> 00:30:13,338
Uh, the stage is really cool, man.

570
00:30:13,405 --> 00:30:15,871
This reminds me
of the first round of the draft.

571
00:30:15,938 --> 00:30:18,505
[audience laughs]

572
00:30:18,571 --> 00:30:22,305
You remember, Randy. Willie, you remember.
First round. Pretty cool, right?

573
00:30:24,605 --> 00:30:28,205
So, look, I've got to admit,
I'm a little bit nervous tonight.

574
00:30:28,805 --> 00:30:30,038
I truly am.

575
00:30:30,571 --> 00:30:33,505
The last time I was up on-stage
before Tom Brady,

576
00:30:33,571 --> 00:30:37,338
I ended up in the hospital for five days
and I lost my damn job.

577
00:30:37,405 --> 00:30:39,405
[audience laughs]

578
00:30:41,471 --> 00:30:43,171
So, real talk, you know,

579
00:30:43,238 --> 00:30:50,071
a lot of people just assume that I have
a lot of animosity towards Tom Brady.

580
00:30:50,971 --> 00:30:55,038
I'm here to tell you tonight,
in front of millions of people...

581
00:30:55,871 --> 00:30:58,938
- that you're correct. I fucking hate him.
- [audience laughs]

582
00:31:02,171 --> 00:31:03,171
I mean...

583
00:31:03,238 --> 00:31:04,271
[audience cheers]

584
00:31:06,671 --> 00:31:11,338
Hey, but let's just be honest,
a lot of you guys kind of hate him too.

585
00:31:11,405 --> 00:31:13,138
I mean, who's more hateable

586
00:31:13,738 --> 00:31:17,005
than the most successful quarterback
of all time?

587
00:31:19,705 --> 00:31:23,038
I'm... I mean, except maybe Belichick.

588
00:31:23,105 --> 00:31:25,471
- Um...
- [audience laughs]

589
00:31:25,538 --> 00:31:27,071
So there were rumors

590
00:31:27,138 --> 00:31:29,271
that Coach Belichick
was gonna be here tonight.

591
00:31:29,338 --> 00:31:32,638
Um, turns out
he had some time on his hands.

592
00:31:33,138 --> 00:31:35,138
[audience laughs]

593
00:31:37,005 --> 00:31:38,005
Hey, look.

594
00:31:39,071 --> 00:31:41,705
At least when I got fired,
somebody else wanted me.

595
00:31:41,771 --> 00:31:43,871
[audience laughs]

596
00:31:47,905 --> 00:31:49,105
[Bledsoe] Ahem.

597
00:31:51,038 --> 00:31:52,705
I was worried he was behind me.

598
00:31:52,771 --> 00:31:54,771
[audience laughs]

599
00:31:55,438 --> 00:31:57,105
Oh, look, uh, you know what?

600
00:31:57,171 --> 00:32:00,205
Tom invited
his one Black receiver here tonight.

601
00:32:01,171 --> 00:32:02,205
That's...

602
00:32:03,538 --> 00:32:06,005
[audience cheers]

603
00:32:10,605 --> 00:32:11,671
That's, um...

604
00:32:12,405 --> 00:32:15,038
That's very woke of you, buddy. Very woke.

605
00:32:16,538 --> 00:32:18,338
Anyway, Randy Moss is here.

606
00:32:18,405 --> 00:32:20,605
[audience cheers]

607
00:32:25,271 --> 00:32:29,071
He's a country-ass bass fisherman
from West Virginia

608
00:32:29,138 --> 00:32:31,171
who used to own a NASCAR team.

609
00:32:32,438 --> 00:32:35,338
Dude, even your Black receivers
are white dudes.

610
00:32:37,805 --> 00:32:41,305
I mean, dude, come on. His name's Randy.

611
00:32:44,071 --> 00:32:46,238
It's the fucking whitest name since Kevin.

612
00:32:46,305 --> 00:32:48,305
[audience laughs]

613
00:32:58,205 --> 00:33:01,571
Rob Gronkowski's here.
He's Tom's favorite tight end...

614
00:33:02,171 --> 00:33:04,171
[audience cheers]

615
00:33:08,271 --> 00:33:11,305
Rob's here tonight. He's Tom's
favorite tight end that wasn't a murderer.

616
00:33:11,771 --> 00:33:13,705
[audience laughs]

617
00:33:14,605 --> 00:33:16,605
[inaudible dialogue]

618
00:33:17,205 --> 00:33:18,838
A lot of people, um...

619
00:33:18,905 --> 00:33:22,105
A lot of people don't know
that Gronk is originally from Buffalo.

620
00:33:22,705 --> 00:33:23,905
Uh, that's right.

621
00:33:24,471 --> 00:33:28,338
Uh, he was actually born
on a folding table at a Bills tailgate.

622
00:33:28,405 --> 00:33:30,405
[audience laughs]

623
00:33:30,971 --> 00:33:34,705
In a weird twist of fate,
that's also where he was conceived.

624
00:33:39,571 --> 00:33:40,605
The, um...

625
00:33:42,438 --> 00:33:44,671
Apologies to your folks, Rob. Um...

626
00:33:46,805 --> 00:33:50,671
You know, the second-best number 11
ever to play for the Patriots is here.

627
00:33:50,738 --> 00:33:51,738
Julian Edelman.

628
00:33:51,805 --> 00:33:54,338
[audience cheers]

629
00:33:54,405 --> 00:33:56,171
[inaudible dialogue]

630
00:33:56,238 --> 00:33:57,438
Jules is, um...

631
00:33:58,671 --> 00:34:00,505
Jules is a true unicorn.

632
00:34:01,305 --> 00:34:04,438
He's a short Jewish receiver...

633
00:34:06,271 --> 00:34:07,971
but he also played defense.

634
00:34:10,138 --> 00:34:13,005
Belichick wanted him to play nickel,
he held out for dime.

635
00:34:13,071 --> 00:34:15,071
[audience laughs]

636
00:34:17,971 --> 00:34:20,538
Most of his career highlights
are just negotiations.

637
00:34:24,405 --> 00:34:26,238
So look, Tom, I'm really glad

638
00:34:26,305 --> 00:34:29,805
that you enjoyed all this amazing success
with the team that I built.

639
00:34:29,871 --> 00:34:31,871
[audience laughs]

640
00:34:34,371 --> 00:34:36,805
Super fucking happy for you, bud.

641
00:34:41,105 --> 00:34:42,271
That's a good one.

642
00:34:43,171 --> 00:34:47,438
You know, when, uh, most people lose
their jobs, they start drinking. Ahem.

643
00:34:48,138 --> 00:34:50,305
Uh, I started a winery.

644
00:34:50,371 --> 00:34:52,371
[audience laughs]

645
00:34:53,838 --> 00:34:54,838
It's called Doubleback.

646
00:34:54,905 --> 00:34:58,438
It's named after what Tom does
every time he walks past a mirror.

647
00:35:00,871 --> 00:35:02,805
[stammers] You know this move, right?

648
00:35:07,171 --> 00:35:08,871
You know you do that shit.

649
00:35:11,538 --> 00:35:14,671
You know, my favorite wine is
our world-class cabernet.

650
00:35:14,738 --> 00:35:16,071
[audience cheers]

651
00:35:16,138 --> 00:35:19,338
Uh, Tom's favorite whine is
"Where's the flag?"

652
00:35:19,405 --> 00:35:21,405
[audience laughs]

653
00:35:28,171 --> 00:35:29,605
You know, obviously, buddy,

654
00:35:29,671 --> 00:35:32,338
you got really used
to not being touched, right?

655
00:35:32,405 --> 00:35:34,138
Just like the end of the marriage.

656
00:35:34,205 --> 00:35:36,205
[audience groans]

657
00:35:38,571 --> 00:35:40,571
[audience cheers]

658
00:35:45,905 --> 00:35:50,371
So, hey, look, buddy, you know,
you have more rings than I do,

659
00:35:50,438 --> 00:35:54,571
but I've experienced a couple things
that you will never experience.

660
00:35:55,371 --> 00:35:59,705
The feeling of being the number-one-
overall draft pick in the NFL.

661
00:36:03,105 --> 00:36:06,971
And a, um, 28th wedding anniversary.
It was yesterday.

662
00:36:07,038 --> 00:36:08,638
[audience laughs]

663
00:36:17,571 --> 00:36:19,538
Ahem. Yeah, that was, um...

664
00:36:20,738 --> 00:36:22,871
That actually was yesterday.
Love you, baby.

665
00:36:22,938 --> 00:36:23,938
Um...

666
00:36:24,005 --> 00:36:26,005
[audience cheers]

667
00:36:28,638 --> 00:36:31,838
So, look, when I first met Tom,
he was not the greatest of all time.

668
00:36:31,905 --> 00:36:33,238
He was not what you see right now.

669
00:36:33,305 --> 00:36:36,771
He was just a sensitive pretty boy
from San Francisco

670
00:36:36,838 --> 00:36:38,838
who wouldn't shower with the team.

671
00:36:39,938 --> 00:36:40,938
[clears throat]

672
00:36:41,805 --> 00:36:43,771
And he drove a yellow Jeep.

673
00:36:46,205 --> 00:36:47,905
A yellow fucking Jeep, right?

674
00:36:49,038 --> 00:36:50,405
[Brady speaks indistinctly]

675
00:36:50,471 --> 00:36:54,238
So look... Oh, don't make excuses, dude.
It was a yellow fucking Jeep.

676
00:36:54,305 --> 00:36:56,571
[audience laughs]

677
00:36:56,638 --> 00:37:01,438
But look, I am not standing here
right now saying that Tom Brady is gay.

678
00:37:02,338 --> 00:37:04,471
I'm not. I'm not saying that.

679
00:37:06,005 --> 00:37:07,971
But he sure did fuck me.

680
00:37:08,038 --> 00:37:09,538
[audience laughs]

681
00:37:12,871 --> 00:37:14,938
[audience cheers]

682
00:37:17,005 --> 00:37:18,138
[clears throat]

683
00:37:18,805 --> 00:37:19,938
[clears throat]

684
00:37:21,205 --> 00:37:25,005
All right. So now I have
to be nice and sincere, and I will be.

685
00:37:25,071 --> 00:37:29,805
Um, look, man, uh,
Tommy, I've told you before

686
00:37:29,871 --> 00:37:32,571
and I will tell you now
in front of millions of people,

687
00:37:32,638 --> 00:37:36,305
incredibly proud
of all that you've accomplished.

688
00:37:36,371 --> 00:37:37,705
[woman whoops]

689
00:37:37,771 --> 00:37:38,938
But I'm... No.

690
00:37:40,371 --> 00:37:42,838
But, um, I'm far more proud
of how you've done it.

691
00:37:42,905 --> 00:37:44,638
You've always been
a man of true character.

692
00:37:44,705 --> 00:37:46,605
I know you're gonna continue
to do great things.

693
00:37:46,671 --> 00:37:49,338
- I love you, all right?
- [Brady] Love you. I love you.

694
00:37:49,405 --> 00:37:50,838
[audience cheers]

695
00:37:53,771 --> 00:37:54,805
Now...

696
00:37:56,305 --> 00:37:58,471
will you please stay fucking retired?

697
00:37:58,538 --> 00:37:59,871
We are sick of this shit.

698
00:38:00,871 --> 00:38:02,138
All right, got to go.

699
00:38:02,205 --> 00:38:03,605
[audience cheers]

700
00:38:05,438 --> 00:38:07,071
[speaking indistinctly]

701
00:38:10,238 --> 00:38:13,505
[sounds like "boo"] Drew!

702
00:38:14,371 --> 00:38:16,838
Boo!

703
00:38:17,305 --> 00:38:18,938
Ooh!

704
00:38:20,271 --> 00:38:23,538
Hey, Drew, I don't wanna hit you
with like a shot,

705
00:38:23,605 --> 00:38:26,105
uh, 'cause I feel like
you've been through enough.

706
00:38:26,171 --> 00:38:29,805
- Um, but I just wanna add...
- [audience laughs]

707
00:38:29,871 --> 00:38:33,905
Is it just me or do you guys feel like
Drew has one of those faces

708
00:38:33,971 --> 00:38:36,338
that you see
in the Walgreens picture frames?

709
00:38:36,405 --> 00:38:40,271
Like, you know when you go
to Walgreens or Target or fucking...?

710
00:38:40,338 --> 00:38:42,505
You got
an employee-of-the-month face, Drew.

711
00:38:42,571 --> 00:38:46,305
It just looks like you do great work
wherever you fucking go.

712
00:38:46,371 --> 00:38:49,971
Like, "Man, that guy there worked hard.
Look at him.

713
00:38:50,505 --> 00:38:54,138
Ever since the Brady shit,
he's been here night in, night out.

714
00:38:55,171 --> 00:38:57,071
He's Sam's Club's best cus..."

715
00:38:59,738 --> 00:39:02,238
[laughing] I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

716
00:39:02,305 --> 00:39:03,938
The whole time he was talking, I was like:

717
00:39:04,005 --> 00:39:07,205
"That looks like somebody
in the employee-of-the-month..."

718
00:39:07,271 --> 00:39:09,271
He was like: mmm, mmm, mmm.

719
00:39:10,938 --> 00:39:13,605
You guys are all idiots. Fucking idiots.

720
00:39:14,171 --> 00:39:17,505
This is my stage.
I got the fucking gun. You hear me?

721
00:39:17,571 --> 00:39:18,571
Fuck you, Tom.

722
00:39:18,638 --> 00:39:21,405
Every once in a while,
I'm just gonna tell you that just because.

723
00:39:21,471 --> 00:39:23,438
And I'm gonna hit you
with a couple shots coming up.

724
00:39:23,505 --> 00:39:25,038
Stop drinking 'cause you're nervous.

725
00:39:25,105 --> 00:39:27,105
- Every once in a while...
- [audience laughs]

726
00:39:27,171 --> 00:39:29,238
Every once in a while,
I want you all to do me a favor

727
00:39:29,305 --> 00:39:32,571
and just put a tight shot on Tom's face
when people are talking shit about him.

728
00:39:32,638 --> 00:39:33,671
His lip is shaking.

729
00:39:33,738 --> 00:39:37,271
If you can look at it, he just
doesn't know what they're gonna say.

730
00:39:37,338 --> 00:39:39,771
With that being said, Tom,
I'm gonna fuck you up after this one.

731
00:39:39,838 --> 00:39:42,305
You're gonna get some more.
But this next roaster...

732
00:39:42,371 --> 00:39:44,905
This next roaster is amazing.
Guys, it's Nikki Glaser.

733
00:39:44,971 --> 00:39:48,638
And her new comedy special
is called <i>Someday You'll Die.</i>

734
00:39:48,705 --> 00:39:52,105
You know why? Because it's all about
the guys she fucked without a condom.

735
00:39:52,171 --> 00:39:53,771
They're dead. Come on, Nikki.

736
00:39:53,838 --> 00:39:56,838
- [audience cheers]
- [rap music playing]

737
00:40:03,938 --> 00:40:05,438
Thank you, 15 Cent.

738
00:40:06,471 --> 00:40:08,471
[audience laughs]

739
00:40:10,571 --> 00:40:14,338
You really gotta hand it to Kevin Hart,
'cause he can't reach.

740
00:40:14,405 --> 00:40:16,405
[audience laughs]

741
00:40:16,938 --> 00:40:18,405
[inaudible dialogue]

742
00:40:18,471 --> 00:40:21,171
No, Kevin, I love you.
No one works harder than this man.

743
00:40:21,238 --> 00:40:23,605
Do you know that every morning
Kevin wakes up at 4 a.m.

744
00:40:23,671 --> 00:40:25,038
to make a shitty movie?

745
00:40:25,105 --> 00:40:27,371
[audience laughs]

746
00:40:27,438 --> 00:40:30,638
No, I love your movies.
Or as I call them "short films."

747
00:40:32,205 --> 00:40:34,405
No, I'm kidding. I hate them.

748
00:40:34,471 --> 00:40:35,471
No.

749
00:40:36,271 --> 00:40:38,205
No, sorry, Kevin,
I don't mean to belittle you,

750
00:40:38,271 --> 00:40:39,771
but you "be little," man.

751
00:40:39,838 --> 00:40:42,571
Like, you're a tiny guy.

752
00:40:43,738 --> 00:40:46,238
Kevin is five-two, 150 pounds.

753
00:40:46,305 --> 00:40:49,305
Um, 155 after the Rock finishes, but...

754
00:40:49,371 --> 00:40:51,371
[audience laughs]

755
00:40:55,971 --> 00:40:56,971
What...?

756
00:40:57,871 --> 00:40:58,938
Thank you.

757
00:41:02,005 --> 00:41:03,771
You're his favorite Fleshlight.

758
00:41:07,238 --> 00:41:10,771
Rob Gronkowski is not all here. Hey, Rob.

759
00:41:12,138 --> 00:41:16,871
No, Rob, you're not really as dumb
as you look and sound and act and are.

760
00:41:16,938 --> 00:41:18,605
[audience laughs]

761
00:41:18,671 --> 00:41:20,005
He might be dumber.

762
00:41:20,805 --> 00:41:24,638
Is it true, you were the first person
born with CTE? Is that real?

763
00:41:24,705 --> 00:41:26,605
[audience laughs]

764
00:41:26,671 --> 00:41:28,005
No, Gronk, I love you.

765
00:41:28,071 --> 00:41:30,938
You put the "downs" in touchdowns,
you really do.

766
00:41:31,005 --> 00:41:34,238
You put the "special" in special teams.

767
00:41:34,938 --> 00:41:37,938
You put the "tard"
in "Rob Gronkowski is retarded."

768
00:41:38,005 --> 00:41:39,971
[audience laughs]

769
00:41:40,038 --> 00:41:41,038
Sorry.

770
00:41:42,171 --> 00:41:43,905
Why? I'm so sorry, Rob.

771
00:41:43,971 --> 00:41:46,638
You haven't caught this much heat
since you were microwaved as a baby.

772
00:41:46,705 --> 00:41:47,638
I'm sorry.

773
00:41:51,838 --> 00:41:53,971
Jeff, killer set.

774
00:41:54,038 --> 00:41:56,138
Congrats on the weight loss too, man.

775
00:41:56,205 --> 00:41:58,538
It must be nice to know that being fat

776
00:41:58,605 --> 00:42:00,838
wasn't what made you
disgusting to look at. That's...

777
00:42:00,905 --> 00:42:02,605
[audience laughs]

778
00:42:02,671 --> 00:42:03,905
Sorry, man.

779
00:42:03,971 --> 00:42:06,505
You really put the "ick" in Ozempic. It's...

780
00:42:07,638 --> 00:42:11,038
Jeff, you look like
your pronouns are "it, that."

781
00:42:11,105 --> 00:42:13,071
[audience laughs]

782
00:42:13,138 --> 00:42:17,005
You'd look like something cancer catches.
Are you pickled? I'm confused.

783
00:42:18,638 --> 00:42:20,605
The only time Jeff ever got a woman wet

784
00:42:20,671 --> 00:42:23,105
is when she helped roll him back
into the ocean.

785
00:42:23,738 --> 00:42:25,871
[audience laughs]

786
00:42:25,938 --> 00:42:27,938
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

787
00:42:30,871 --> 00:42:33,571
I love you. Uh, Tom, Bert, I love you too.

788
00:42:33,638 --> 00:42:37,571
You're presenting together later
like two peas in each other's mouths.

789
00:42:37,638 --> 00:42:39,738
[audience laughs]

790
00:42:39,805 --> 00:42:42,538
Bert. Bert, I love you.

791
00:42:42,605 --> 00:42:44,638
You know I'm such a fan of your joke.

792
00:42:44,705 --> 00:42:46,138
[audience laughs]

793
00:42:46,205 --> 00:42:47,205
It's good.

794
00:42:49,238 --> 00:42:52,538
Shirts are supposed to stay on,
but he takes it off.

795
00:42:54,271 --> 00:42:55,271
It's so good.

796
00:42:57,838 --> 00:43:00,405
Andrew Schulz, you carny-faced bitch,

797
00:43:00,471 --> 00:43:05,138
I... I hate your comedy
more than Kevin hates high fives.

798
00:43:05,205 --> 00:43:06,271
I really...

799
00:43:06,338 --> 00:43:08,338
[audience laughs]

800
00:43:09,138 --> 00:43:13,538
Now please give it up for zero-time
Super Bowl champion Randy Moss.

801
00:43:13,605 --> 00:43:15,438
I'm sorry, Randy.

802
00:43:15,505 --> 00:43:17,371
Why don't you have a ring?

803
00:43:17,438 --> 00:43:19,405
What the hell, man?
You're one of the best ever.

804
00:43:19,471 --> 00:43:21,071
Drew Bledsoe has a ring.

805
00:43:21,138 --> 00:43:23,638
Aaron Hernandez had a ring
around his neck.

806
00:43:23,705 --> 00:43:25,471
Like, what's going on?

807
00:43:25,538 --> 00:43:27,538
[audience laughs and groans]

808
00:43:30,205 --> 00:43:33,538
Julian, you have three rings
around your cock right now,

809
00:43:33,605 --> 00:43:35,438
you squinty-eyed fuckboy.

810
00:43:39,938 --> 00:43:42,038
Julian, out of curiosity,
how are you getting home?

811
00:43:42,105 --> 00:43:43,171
How did you get here today?

812
00:43:43,238 --> 00:43:46,305
Did you drive? Or did you, uh,
ride Tom's dick? Which was it?

813
00:43:46,371 --> 00:43:48,371
- Because I...
- Tom's dick.

814
00:43:48,438 --> 00:43:50,771
'Cause I wanna get a ride home on it, but...

815
00:43:50,838 --> 00:43:52,838
[audience laughs]

816
00:43:54,705 --> 00:43:57,105
But let's get to the reason
we're all here tonight.

817
00:43:57,171 --> 00:43:58,838
Uh, Drew Bledsoe.

818
00:44:00,638 --> 00:44:03,338
"Drew bled so Tom could run."

819
00:44:03,405 --> 00:44:05,105
[audience laughs]

820
00:44:05,871 --> 00:44:07,138
But I'm gonna move on from you

821
00:44:07,205 --> 00:44:09,471
just like your team did
after you almost died.

822
00:44:09,538 --> 00:44:11,538
[audience laughs]

823
00:44:13,738 --> 00:44:14,971
Tom Brady.

824
00:44:15,538 --> 00:44:16,605
- Hi, Tom.
- [Brady] Hi.

825
00:44:16,671 --> 00:44:21,038
Tom Brady. God, the only goat
Jeff Ross hasn't tried to fuck.

826
00:44:21,105 --> 00:44:23,138
[audience laughs]

827
00:44:24,438 --> 00:44:29,905
Tom Brady, five-time Super Bowl MVP,
most career wins, most career touchdowns,

828
00:44:29,971 --> 00:44:31,338
you have seven rings...

829
00:44:31,405 --> 00:44:34,005
Well, eight now
that Gisele gave hers back, but...

830
00:44:34,071 --> 00:44:36,138
- [audience laughs]
- I just wanna...

831
00:44:37,671 --> 00:44:39,138
- Sorry, Tom.
- It's okay.

832
00:44:39,205 --> 00:44:42,438
Tom, the only thing dumber
than you saying yes to this roast

833
00:44:42,505 --> 00:44:45,005
was when you said,
"Hey, babe, you should try jujitsu."

834
00:44:45,071 --> 00:44:47,205
- I think that was...
- [audience laughs]

835
00:44:47,271 --> 00:44:49,038
That's gotta suck.

836
00:44:50,038 --> 00:44:51,038
Dude.

837
00:44:52,138 --> 00:44:54,538
How much would it suck for Tom...?

838
00:44:54,605 --> 00:44:57,771
Oh, my God, just knowing
your ex-wife's new boyfriend

839
00:44:57,838 --> 00:44:59,771
can beat your ass while eating hers.

840
00:44:59,838 --> 00:45:03,338
That's gotta be terrible.

841
00:45:03,405 --> 00:45:05,071
[audience cheers]

842
00:45:06,638 --> 00:45:07,638
Oh, no.

843
00:45:09,238 --> 00:45:10,705
You'll be okay, Tom.

844
00:45:11,605 --> 00:45:13,238
Yeah, you're great.

845
00:45:13,305 --> 00:45:15,738
First, you're the hottest person
I've ever seen in my life.

846
00:45:15,805 --> 00:45:18,705
I shouldn't be able to talk to you.
I can't even handle it.

847
00:45:18,771 --> 00:45:20,371
[audience cheers]

848
00:45:20,438 --> 00:45:22,971
You should see this up close.
It's insane. I...

849
00:45:23,038 --> 00:45:26,705
Uh, listen, tonight there's gonna be
a lot of jokes about me, um,

850
00:45:26,771 --> 00:45:29,605
being like, uh, a depraved,
cum-guzzling slut.

851
00:45:29,671 --> 00:45:33,371
And I just wanna say, for the record,
I do have a boyfriend.

852
00:45:33,438 --> 00:45:35,538
We've been together for ten years.
The love of my life.

853
00:45:35,605 --> 00:45:38,638
He's here tonight. And I just...
He's sitting right over there.

854
00:45:38,705 --> 00:45:40,238
And I wanna say publicly,

855
00:45:40,705 --> 00:45:43,971
I would shoot you
in the fucking face for a lottery ticket

856
00:45:44,038 --> 00:45:45,505
to suck this guy's dick.

857
00:45:45,571 --> 00:45:47,938
[audience laughs]

858
00:45:48,938 --> 00:45:50,505
Just a chance!

859
00:45:52,838 --> 00:45:54,505
He's perfect!

860
00:45:56,238 --> 00:45:58,605
He was on my fantasy team last night.

861
00:45:59,838 --> 00:46:01,905
My clit has CTE now.

862
00:46:02,905 --> 00:46:05,205
I would show you,
but the NFL's making me cover it up.

863
00:46:05,271 --> 00:46:06,538
But seriously, Tom...

864
00:46:06,605 --> 00:46:08,605
[audience laughs]

865
00:46:10,238 --> 00:46:11,271
You really are...

866
00:46:11,338 --> 00:46:14,138
I mean, you're the best
to ever play for too long.

867
00:46:14,205 --> 00:46:15,205
I mean...

868
00:46:15,738 --> 00:46:19,438
you retired, then you came back,
and then you retired again. I get it.

869
00:46:19,505 --> 00:46:22,138
Hard to walk away from something
that's not your pregnant girlfriend.

870
00:46:22,205 --> 00:46:24,205
- It's tough.
- [audience groans]

871
00:46:24,271 --> 00:46:25,271
Hey.

872
00:46:25,805 --> 00:46:27,905
To be fair, he didn't know
she was pregnant.

873
00:46:27,971 --> 00:46:29,805
He just thought she was getting fat.

874
00:46:31,471 --> 00:46:32,505
And Tom hates fat.

875
00:46:32,571 --> 00:46:35,071
Do you guys know about his diet program?
It is so strict.

876
00:46:35,138 --> 00:46:39,438
But if you follow it exactly as he does,
you too can lose your family.

877
00:46:39,505 --> 00:46:43,971
And, seriously,
you can lose so much family.

878
00:46:45,505 --> 00:46:48,138
It's... It works.

879
00:46:48,971 --> 00:46:51,638
Tom also lost $30 million in crypto.

880
00:46:51,705 --> 00:46:53,338
Tom, how did you fall for that?

881
00:46:53,405 --> 00:46:56,638
I mean, even Gronk was like,
"Me know that not real money."

882
00:46:56,705 --> 00:46:58,705
- Like...
- [audience laughs]

883
00:47:07,238 --> 00:47:08,238
Right?

884
00:47:08,971 --> 00:47:09,971
You know.

885
00:47:11,905 --> 00:47:13,438
Gro... Gronk...

886
00:47:14,838 --> 00:47:16,571
Gronk actually does Bitcoin,

887
00:47:16,638 --> 00:47:19,505
which is where he just chews
on a handful of nickels, but...

888
00:47:19,571 --> 00:47:21,571
[audience laughs]

889
00:47:24,005 --> 00:47:25,438
I got to go. But I just...

890
00:47:25,505 --> 00:47:28,838
I have one more thing to say
and I promise to keep it Kevin Hart.

891
00:47:28,905 --> 00:47:31,905
- I...
- [audience laughs]

892
00:47:33,138 --> 00:47:37,705
To be honest, Tom, I didn't really know
a ton about your career before this.

893
00:47:37,771 --> 00:47:39,638
And I only really started
watching football

894
00:47:39,705 --> 00:47:41,705
when Taylor Swift said it was okay.

895
00:47:41,771 --> 00:47:44,205
- But...
- [audience laughs]

896
00:47:44,271 --> 00:47:48,205
Uh, what I've learned,
I'm in absolute awe of you.

897
00:47:48,271 --> 00:47:51,271
Uh, you were a sixth-round draft pick
that really...

898
00:47:51,338 --> 00:47:53,638
Everyone kind of counted out.
No one believed in.

899
00:47:53,705 --> 00:47:57,671
And then you became this.
You became the greatest of all time.

900
00:47:57,738 --> 00:48:00,138
- And if I've learned anything...
- [audience cheers]

901
00:48:00,205 --> 00:48:02,271
If I've learned anything
about this man is that

902
00:48:02,338 --> 00:48:04,438
if you tell Tom Brady
he can't do something,

903
00:48:04,505 --> 00:48:07,971
not only will he do it, but he'll do it
the best it's ever been done.

904
00:48:08,438 --> 00:48:11,305
So I'm here to say, tonight,

905
00:48:11,371 --> 00:48:14,571
Tom Brady cannot make me cum.

906
00:48:14,638 --> 00:48:16,538
[audience laughs]

907
00:48:17,405 --> 00:48:18,838
Let's fucking go?

908
00:48:21,305 --> 00:48:23,305
[inaudible dialogue]

909
00:48:23,838 --> 00:48:25,338
[audience cheers]

910
00:48:28,105 --> 00:48:29,705
[Hart] Oh, my God, Nikki.

911
00:48:35,071 --> 00:48:37,071
Oh, my God.

912
00:48:42,438 --> 00:48:45,371
For those that are watching at home,
this is live

913
00:48:45,438 --> 00:48:47,171
and that was a standing ovation.

914
00:48:47,238 --> 00:48:49,205
Well fucking deserved.

915
00:48:49,271 --> 00:48:50,805
Well deserved.

916
00:48:50,871 --> 00:48:52,705
[audience cheers]

917
00:48:52,771 --> 00:48:54,271
Goddamn, Nikki.

918
00:48:55,005 --> 00:48:57,671
"Me... Me know that's not real money."

919
00:48:57,738 --> 00:48:59,371
[audience laughs]

920
00:48:59,438 --> 00:49:00,438
Oh...

921
00:49:01,005 --> 00:49:02,371
Oh...

922
00:49:02,438 --> 00:49:03,971
I was sitting next to Rob.

923
00:49:04,038 --> 00:49:05,205
And he was saying...

924
00:49:05,271 --> 00:49:07,805
After you said it, he said, "I did."

925
00:49:07,871 --> 00:49:09,538
He said, "I did."

926
00:49:09,605 --> 00:49:11,605
- Oh...
- [audience laughs]

927
00:49:14,671 --> 00:49:15,838
Oh, Rob.

928
00:49:16,271 --> 00:49:19,638
You can't help the joke, Rob.
She's making fun of you.

929
00:49:19,705 --> 00:49:21,205
"I did know."

930
00:49:21,871 --> 00:49:22,871
Oh...

931
00:49:23,705 --> 00:49:25,671
Oh, I love Nikki, man. Nikki...

932
00:49:25,738 --> 00:49:28,105
Here's a little information
about Nikki that you didn't know.

933
00:49:28,171 --> 00:49:31,605
Nikki is the only woman who had
a meniscus tear in her pussy.

934
00:49:31,671 --> 00:49:33,205
This is a true story.

935
00:49:33,271 --> 00:49:35,738
But she's only out for six weeks, Tom.

936
00:49:35,805 --> 00:49:37,305
She'll be back, if you do.

937
00:49:37,371 --> 00:49:41,038
Yeah. Nikki's pussy is shaped
like Gronk's Fleshlight.

938
00:49:41,105 --> 00:49:42,905
I know you said that 50 Cent has one.

939
00:49:42,971 --> 00:49:45,338
But Gronk actually came using you,
which is good.

940
00:49:45,405 --> 00:49:47,505
"And he knew that was not real pussy."

941
00:49:47,571 --> 00:49:48,705
Right, Gronk? Yeah.

942
00:49:48,771 --> 00:49:51,705
It's a good callback.
Callbacks is what they're called, Gronk.

943
00:49:51,771 --> 00:49:53,305
Oh, my God.

944
00:49:53,371 --> 00:49:56,805
Only Nikki could host
a show called <i>Fuckboy Island</i>

945
00:49:56,871 --> 00:49:58,138
and still not get laid.

946
00:49:58,205 --> 00:50:01,738
You know, listen, do you know
that we lost three fuckboys?

947
00:50:01,805 --> 00:50:04,171
Three fuckboys drowned
trying to get off that island.

948
00:50:04,238 --> 00:50:06,838
We lost three good fuckboys
because of you, Nikki,

949
00:50:06,905 --> 00:50:08,071
and that baggy clit.

950
00:50:08,138 --> 00:50:09,138
I'm sick of it.

951
00:50:09,205 --> 00:50:10,905
[audience laughs]

952
00:50:11,638 --> 00:50:13,638
Yeah, fuck you, Tom. All right.

953
00:50:15,271 --> 00:50:17,705
Nikki, in all seriousness,
that was insane.

954
00:50:17,771 --> 00:50:19,805
Brilliant writing, brilliant timing.

955
00:50:19,871 --> 00:50:22,405
- Uh, great set.
- [audience applauds]

956
00:50:22,471 --> 00:50:23,771
Great fucking set.

957
00:50:24,605 --> 00:50:26,305
That's the beauty of roasting.

958
00:50:26,371 --> 00:50:28,238
That's what it is. There's a art to it.

959
00:50:28,305 --> 00:50:30,205
And when you get it right,
goddamn, it's amazing.

960
00:50:30,271 --> 00:50:31,838
We're gonna keep the energy going.

961
00:50:31,905 --> 00:50:35,505
Our next roast is a Black man
from West Virginia.

962
00:50:35,571 --> 00:50:37,571
Wait, I'm sorry. No, I'm sorry.

963
00:50:37,638 --> 00:50:40,071
He's "the Black man" from West Virginia.

964
00:50:40,138 --> 00:50:42,738
Uh, please welcome
to the stage, Randy Moss.

965
00:50:42,805 --> 00:50:43,805
Come on, Randy.

966
00:50:43,871 --> 00:50:46,871
- [rap music playing]
- [audience cheers]

967
00:50:57,038 --> 00:50:58,071
{\an8}[rap music fades]

968
00:50:58,138 --> 00:51:00,638
{\an8}Now, they got me up
after these first two acts,

969
00:51:00,705 --> 00:51:04,071
{\an8}and, uh, I can honestly
tell you guys I'm nervous.

970
00:51:04,138 --> 00:51:06,205
Nikki, that was fabulous. I loved that.

971
00:51:06,605 --> 00:51:07,971
But thank you, Kevin.

972
00:51:08,038 --> 00:51:11,871
I played three seasons
with the New England Patriots, okay?

973
00:51:11,938 --> 00:51:13,938
[audience cheers]

974
00:51:16,871 --> 00:51:20,171
Before I got to the New England Patriots,

975
00:51:20,971 --> 00:51:24,038
I heard... Or we heard about Spygate.

976
00:51:25,305 --> 00:51:30,005
Then after I left,
I hear about Deflategate.

977
00:51:31,338 --> 00:51:33,638
So I only got one question for you, Tom.

978
00:51:35,171 --> 00:51:37,805
Why the fuck didn't we cheat
when I was there?!

979
00:51:37,871 --> 00:51:39,871
[audience laughs]

980
00:51:40,638 --> 00:51:42,338
I wanted to cheat too.

981
00:51:42,405 --> 00:51:44,771
[audience laughs]

982
00:51:44,838 --> 00:51:46,871
My kids always ask me:

983
00:51:46,938 --> 00:51:50,271
"Daddy, why does
everyone have a ring but you?"

984
00:51:52,105 --> 00:51:55,538
You know how hard it is
to look your kids in the eyes and say:

985
00:51:56,105 --> 00:51:58,371
"They just don't trust me enough
to cheat"?

986
00:51:58,438 --> 00:52:00,805
[audience laughs]

987
00:52:00,871 --> 00:52:04,671
So come on, man, how did I miss out
on the fucking dynasty, Tom?

988
00:52:05,138 --> 00:52:07,838
The dynasty. I missed out on it.

989
00:52:08,938 --> 00:52:11,471
Well, I'll tell you
what you really deflated, Tom.

990
00:52:12,171 --> 00:52:14,205
My fucking legacy, dude.

991
00:52:15,505 --> 00:52:18,938
Where would I be if I had a ring, okay?
Where would I be?

992
00:52:19,005 --> 00:52:20,971
Everyone was cheating back then.

993
00:52:21,038 --> 00:52:24,371
David Tyree caught a ball
on the side of his helmet

994
00:52:24,438 --> 00:52:26,405
with a magnet tied to his hand.

995
00:52:26,471 --> 00:52:28,838
The New York Giants
were cheating back then.

996
00:52:28,905 --> 00:52:30,905
[audience laughs]

997
00:52:32,405 --> 00:52:35,705
But everybody out there was cheating,
everybody but me.

998
00:52:36,771 --> 00:52:38,705
So, Tom, you remember
our first season together?

999
00:52:38,771 --> 00:52:40,438
- [Brady] I remember.
- 16-0?

1000
00:52:41,271 --> 00:52:43,738
- Yep.
- [audience cheers]

1001
00:52:43,805 --> 00:52:45,005
[speaks indistinctly]

1002
00:52:46,605 --> 00:52:49,271
- How about those 23 touchdowns?
- [Brady] Oh, man.

1003
00:52:49,805 --> 00:52:51,538
[Moss] That's something I'll never forget.

1004
00:52:52,638 --> 00:52:55,705
So since you... You feeling this way?
You feeling grateful?

1005
00:52:55,771 --> 00:52:57,171
Oh, yeah.

1006
00:52:57,238 --> 00:52:59,438
Nikki said you have eight.

1007
00:52:59,505 --> 00:53:01,338
Why don't you give me one of those eight?

1008
00:53:01,905 --> 00:53:03,905
[audience laughs]

1009
00:53:04,571 --> 00:53:07,571
The first one against the Rams,
that's the one I want.

1010
00:53:07,638 --> 00:53:11,105
Willie McGinest, he played like shit

1011
00:53:11,171 --> 00:53:14,405
in the Super Bowl
against the St. Louis Rams, am I right?

1012
00:53:15,005 --> 00:53:17,038
Where you at? Hey, Lonie Paxton.

1013
00:53:17,105 --> 00:53:19,405
You were the long snapper
that snapped the ball

1014
00:53:19,471 --> 00:53:21,638
for the game-winning field goal,
am I right?

1015
00:53:21,705 --> 00:53:24,238
Matt Light, didn't you block
for his sorry ass in Super Bowl...?

1016
00:53:24,305 --> 00:53:27,405
His first Super Bowl?
So, Tom, that's the ring that I want.

1017
00:53:27,471 --> 00:53:30,271
How about that? All right.
But let me say this.

1018
00:53:31,605 --> 00:53:34,971
Drew Bledsoe was in the freaking hospital

1019
00:53:35,038 --> 00:53:37,005
and he got a Super Bowl ring.

1020
00:53:37,071 --> 00:53:39,071
[audience laughs]

1021
00:53:39,605 --> 00:53:41,871
Tom, Nate Ebner?

1022
00:53:42,471 --> 00:53:43,571
Nate Ebner.

1023
00:53:43,638 --> 00:53:45,371
Who the fuck is Nate Ebner, dude?

1024
00:53:46,138 --> 00:53:48,238
He has three Super Bowl rings.

1025
00:53:49,705 --> 00:53:50,838
Mr. Kraft.

1026
00:53:51,438 --> 00:53:53,971
Vladimir Putin has a ring?

1027
00:53:54,038 --> 00:53:56,038
[audience laughs]

1028
00:53:57,605 --> 00:54:02,371
So the two guys
that deflated the football had...

1029
00:54:02,438 --> 00:54:05,905
No, you know, I'm sorry.
That's a bad example, they deserved them.

1030
00:54:05,971 --> 00:54:08,238
They deserved them, they deserved them.
They deserved them.

1031
00:54:09,405 --> 00:54:13,405
Look, before I became a Patriot,
you were America's quarterback.

1032
00:54:14,538 --> 00:54:16,238
Everyone thought you were soft...

1033
00:54:17,371 --> 00:54:21,171
but I got to see your tenacity
and how you prepared for the game,

1034
00:54:21,705 --> 00:54:24,171
and you approached the game
like a hard-hitting linebacker.

1035
00:54:26,805 --> 00:54:28,805
[audience cheers]

1036
00:54:31,905 --> 00:54:34,005
Even though we didn't win it all,

1037
00:54:34,071 --> 00:54:36,671
I still got everything that I wanted
because I got to play

1038
00:54:36,738 --> 00:54:40,005
with the greatest quarterback
that's ever lived.

1039
00:54:40,071 --> 00:54:42,071
[audience cheers]

1040
00:54:45,071 --> 00:54:48,505
And for three years, it was a short time,

1041
00:54:48,571 --> 00:54:52,371
we scared
the entire National Football League.

1042
00:54:52,438 --> 00:54:53,771
[audience cheers]

1043
00:54:56,671 --> 00:54:58,738
Tom, you're still my quarterback.

1044
00:55:00,538 --> 00:55:03,838
Even though you did not want me
to be your accomplice.

1045
00:55:03,905 --> 00:55:05,971
[audience laughs]

1046
00:55:07,371 --> 00:55:10,138
Ladies and gentlemen, I love this man.
He gave me an opportunity.

1047
00:55:10,205 --> 00:55:13,305
Y'all know the story about me
sneaking in the hotel to see him.

1048
00:55:13,371 --> 00:55:15,771
They told me to come up here
for a roast, man.

1049
00:55:15,838 --> 00:55:19,371
And I told them, for Tom Brady, man,
I'll come and do anything for Tom.

1050
00:55:19,438 --> 00:55:22,071
Thanks for having me, man.
Appreciate you guys.

1051
00:55:22,138 --> 00:55:24,138
[audience cheers]

1052
00:55:27,505 --> 00:55:28,905
[inaudible dialogue]

1053
00:55:28,971 --> 00:55:30,205
[Hart] Wow.

1054
00:55:32,838 --> 00:55:34,238
Wow.

1055
00:55:34,305 --> 00:55:36,205
Randy Moss, huh?

1056
00:55:36,271 --> 00:55:39,505
Did you hear that, Tom?
That man's fucking hurt.

1057
00:55:39,571 --> 00:55:41,605
[audience laughs]

1058
00:55:41,671 --> 00:55:42,871
He's hurt.

1059
00:55:42,938 --> 00:55:45,238
I can goddamn see it.
I can see it in his eyes.

1060
00:55:45,305 --> 00:55:47,071
I see it the way he looks at you.

1061
00:55:47,138 --> 00:55:49,038
You guys fucked him over, man.

1062
00:55:49,105 --> 00:55:50,438
[audience laughs]

1063
00:55:50,505 --> 00:55:52,138
It's fucking ridiculous, man.

1064
00:55:52,205 --> 00:55:54,838
You goddamn put him
in this situation to come up here

1065
00:55:54,905 --> 00:55:56,505
and expose himself like that.

1066
00:55:56,571 --> 00:55:57,538
As a Black man...

1067
00:55:57,605 --> 00:55:59,505
By the way, Randy,
tonight shouldn't be the night.

1068
00:55:59,571 --> 00:56:01,871
It's only three Black men up here.
Well, four.

1069
00:56:01,938 --> 00:56:04,771
You got you, me, Willie, Sam.

1070
00:56:04,838 --> 00:56:07,805
Who else? What? Five. Six.

1071
00:56:07,871 --> 00:56:10,071
[audience laughs]

1072
00:56:10,138 --> 00:56:12,405
Sorry. No, Sam, I was going down the line,

1073
00:56:12,471 --> 00:56:15,371
and I swear to God,
that's the only reason why I said that.

1074
00:56:17,005 --> 00:56:20,505
Hey, bro, does anybody know
why Randy Moss came up here

1075
00:56:20,571 --> 00:56:22,505
dressed like
a public-school substitute teacher?

1076
00:56:22,571 --> 00:56:25,171
- Jesus Christ.
- [audience laughs]

1077
00:56:25,238 --> 00:56:27,871
Where did they tell him
he was going? Goddamn it.

1078
00:56:28,638 --> 00:56:32,238
Ran... Randy is proof
that Black people can be white trash.

1079
00:56:32,305 --> 00:56:35,605
Right there, that's it.
[speaks indistinctly]

1080
00:56:36,338 --> 00:56:37,505
[Hart laughs]

1081
00:56:40,071 --> 00:56:42,705
Y'all let me start drinking.
It's going to be long.

1082
00:56:42,771 --> 00:56:44,171
It's gonna be a long night.

1083
00:56:44,238 --> 00:56:47,505
Uh, guys, next,
for a very special toast, right?

1084
00:56:47,571 --> 00:56:51,705
This toast has to come from somebody
worthy of a moment and such.

1085
00:56:51,771 --> 00:56:54,971
A special friend and a special lady,
Kim Kardashian. Come on.

1086
00:56:55,038 --> 00:56:58,038
- [audience cheers]
- [sultry music plays]

1087
00:57:08,838 --> 00:57:09,971
{\an8}[sultry music fades]

1088
00:57:10,038 --> 00:57:11,705
{\an8}Thank you so much, Kevin.

1089
00:57:13,305 --> 00:57:15,505
I know a lot of people make fun
of your height,

1090
00:57:15,571 --> 00:57:19,305
but what people don't know
is you're also pretty mean.

1091
00:57:20,171 --> 00:57:24,938
Which makes you the smallest
Black dick I've ever seen.

1092
00:57:25,005 --> 00:57:25,905
[audience laughs]

1093
00:57:26,471 --> 00:57:27,405
[inaudible dialogue]

1094
00:57:28,271 --> 00:57:29,271
Sorry, guys.

1095
00:57:29,338 --> 00:57:30,771
I would have written jokes for you,

1096
00:57:30,838 --> 00:57:33,138
but I literally don't know
who you are, so...

1097
00:57:33,205 --> 00:57:34,471
[audience laughs]

1098
00:57:34,538 --> 00:57:37,638
Um, okay,
but I'm really here tonight for Tom.

1099
00:57:38,405 --> 00:57:43,105
I wasn't gonna come tonight,
but since I'm not here as Tom's date,

1100
00:57:43,171 --> 00:57:45,138
there's still a good chance I might.

1101
00:57:45,738 --> 00:57:47,305
[audience laughs and groans]

1102
00:57:47,371 --> 00:57:49,071
Speaking of Tom and I dating,

1103
00:57:49,138 --> 00:57:51,871
I know there were some rumors
that we were.

1104
00:57:52,571 --> 00:57:55,838
And I'd never say if we did or not,
I'd just release the tape.

1105
00:57:55,905 --> 00:57:57,738
[audience laughs]

1106
00:57:57,805 --> 00:58:01,605
Um, but I do know it would never work out.

1107
00:58:02,438 --> 00:58:06,871
An ex-athlete,
high cheekbones, silky hair.

1108
00:58:06,938 --> 00:58:09,538
You remind me too much of my stepdad now.

1109
00:58:09,605 --> 00:58:11,605
[audience laughs]

1110
00:58:13,538 --> 00:58:14,538
Um...

1111
00:58:14,605 --> 00:58:16,605
[audience cheers]

1112
00:58:17,538 --> 00:58:19,305
[Kardashian speaks indistinctly]

1113
00:58:22,505 --> 00:58:24,638
Part of me thinks
you would want to undress me

1114
00:58:24,705 --> 00:58:26,305
just to try on my clothes.

1115
00:58:28,438 --> 00:58:32,571
I know the transition from the NFL
must have been really hard,

1116
00:58:33,105 --> 00:58:36,138
but I think my stepdad is
a great example for you.

1117
00:58:36,205 --> 00:58:38,638
She's one of the best athletes
in the world

1118
00:58:38,705 --> 00:58:41,938
who proved you can do anything
in this next chapter of your life.

1119
00:58:42,671 --> 00:58:44,538
You can become a commentator,

1120
00:58:45,438 --> 00:58:47,138
a far-right Republican,

1121
00:58:47,671 --> 00:58:50,438
or even a strong, confident woman.

1122
00:58:50,505 --> 00:58:52,938
[audience laughs]

1123
00:58:53,005 --> 00:58:55,771
No, seriously, I think it's so great

1124
00:58:55,838 --> 00:59:00,371
the way that you're showing everyone
that even after winning seven Super Bowls,

1125
00:59:00,438 --> 00:59:02,605
you can still have a midlife crisis.

1126
00:59:02,671 --> 00:59:04,671
[audience laughs]

1127
00:59:05,571 --> 00:59:08,538
Honestly, it's hard for me
to watch people roast you,

1128
00:59:08,605 --> 00:59:11,338
but I think enough of my family members

1129
00:59:11,405 --> 00:59:13,571
have helped defend
former football players.

1130
00:59:13,638 --> 00:59:15,171
[audience laughs]

1131
00:59:15,705 --> 00:59:16,705
Um...

1132
00:59:22,705 --> 00:59:27,271
So I'm just here tonight
to support you and celebrate you.

1133
00:59:27,771 --> 00:59:29,638
Retirement isn't easy.

1134
00:59:30,305 --> 00:59:32,271
It can be a lot like a bad breakup.

1135
00:59:32,738 --> 00:59:35,905
So I'll give you the same advice
that I give all my exes.

1136
00:59:35,971 --> 00:59:38,438
"Good luck knowing
the best is behind you."

1137
00:59:38,505 --> 00:59:40,005
Congratulations, Tom.

1138
00:59:40,071 --> 00:59:42,971
- Cheers, everyone, to Tom Brady.
- [audience cheers and applauds]

1139
00:59:46,871 --> 00:59:48,871
[indistinct chatter]

1140
00:59:52,471 --> 00:59:53,571
[Hart] It's good shit, Kim.

1141
00:59:53,638 --> 00:59:56,338
[Ross] Give it up for Kim Kardashian,
everybody.

1142
00:59:56,405 --> 00:59:57,971
[audience cheers]

1143
00:59:58,038 --> 01:00:00,171
Beautiful. Thank you, Kim.

1144
01:00:01,705 --> 01:00:02,738
Have a seat.

1145
01:00:03,271 --> 01:00:06,171
We're gonna auction off
your seat cushion later for, uh...

1146
01:00:06,805 --> 01:00:09,471
To raise money for erectile dysfunction.

1147
01:00:09,538 --> 01:00:11,238
[audience laughs]

1148
01:00:11,305 --> 01:00:12,705
We're live on Netflix.

1149
01:00:12,771 --> 01:00:17,405
If you're just tuning in, uh,
this is not <i>Love on the Spectrum.</i>

1150
01:00:19,105 --> 01:00:21,271
This is <i>Hate in the Forum.</i>

1151
01:00:21,338 --> 01:00:24,138
Everybody's here.
I got so many friends here.

1152
01:00:24,205 --> 01:00:27,838
Look, Marco Andretti,
great racecar driver, is here.

1153
01:00:27,905 --> 01:00:31,671
Hi, Marco. Take a bow
with your beautiful girlfriend, Billie.

1154
01:00:31,738 --> 01:00:34,305
I bet you two lay down a lot of rubber.

1155
01:00:34,805 --> 01:00:36,905
[audience laughs]

1156
01:00:36,971 --> 01:00:38,605
Does he ever finish first?

1157
01:00:39,205 --> 01:00:41,205
[audience laughs]

1158
01:00:42,171 --> 01:00:43,238
Great job, Kim.

1159
01:00:43,305 --> 01:00:46,971
Caitlyn Jenner wanted to be here,
but she was confused by the tuck rule.

1160
01:00:52,338 --> 01:00:54,671
It's my honor to bring up our next act.

1161
01:00:54,738 --> 01:00:56,705
Are you ready, motherfuckers?

1162
01:00:56,771 --> 01:00:58,771
[audience cheers]

1163
01:01:01,871 --> 01:01:05,271
Please welcome Bert Kreischer, Tom Segura.

1164
01:01:05,338 --> 01:01:07,338
The 2 Bears!

1165
01:01:08,338 --> 01:01:11,338
- [rap music plays]
- [audience cheers]

1166
01:01:16,805 --> 01:01:17,738
[rap music fades]

1167
01:01:17,805 --> 01:01:18,905
Thank you.

1168
01:01:18,971 --> 01:01:21,338
{\an8}Thank you, Jeff,
for turning this special night

1169
01:01:21,405 --> 01:01:24,505
{\an8}into one more opportunity
you couldn't turn down.

1170
01:01:24,571 --> 01:01:25,871
{\an8}[audience laughs]

1171
01:01:25,938 --> 01:01:28,405
God, you are such a fucking whore.

1172
01:01:29,271 --> 01:01:30,971
And that's coming from me, Jeff.

1173
01:01:33,238 --> 01:01:37,571
Thank you for inviting us
to celebrate the GOAT, W.G.

1174
01:01:37,638 --> 01:01:41,038
Wait, what's that? Wait, GOAT, W.G.?

1175
01:01:41,105 --> 01:01:43,971
Greatest Of All Time, White Guy.

1176
01:01:45,171 --> 01:01:47,338
[Kreischer] Aw, fuck, yeah!

1177
01:01:48,438 --> 01:01:52,105
You know, our people don't get
many days like these anymore.

1178
01:01:52,171 --> 01:01:54,171
[audience laughs]

1179
01:01:56,205 --> 01:01:57,705
No, we really don't.

1180
01:01:59,338 --> 01:02:02,338
Netflix was hoping
some trans, amputee skier

1181
01:02:02,405 --> 01:02:04,338
was popular enough to do this, but...

1182
01:02:04,405 --> 01:02:06,305
[audience laughs]

1183
01:02:06,371 --> 01:02:09,838
...instead, they settled
for the greatest white guy alive.

1184
01:02:11,938 --> 01:02:14,071
It's rare that they let us have a night.

1185
01:02:14,138 --> 01:02:16,938
They have taken everything from us.

1186
01:02:18,871 --> 01:02:19,871
Golf.

1187
01:02:21,071 --> 01:02:22,071
Tennis.

1188
01:02:23,071 --> 01:02:24,071
Hockey.

1189
01:02:25,105 --> 01:02:29,971
And even baseball, once America's pastime,
isn't even played by Americans now.

1190
01:02:31,305 --> 01:02:33,305
[speaking in Spanish]

1191
01:02:36,871 --> 01:02:38,838
You fucking traitor.

1192
01:02:40,171 --> 01:02:42,471
But tonight isn't about them.

1193
01:02:42,538 --> 01:02:46,805
It's about this incredible,
white American man.

1194
01:02:48,338 --> 01:02:50,505
- Uh, two solid whites.
- Yeah.

1195
01:02:50,571 --> 01:02:52,771
[audience groans]

1196
01:02:58,405 --> 01:03:01,205
And, ladies and gentlemen,
tonight isn't just about

1197
01:03:01,271 --> 01:03:05,771
Tom Brady's dream of securing a future
for white children in this country.

1198
01:03:05,838 --> 01:03:07,205
[audience laughs]

1199
01:03:07,271 --> 01:03:08,271
No, it isn't.

1200
01:03:08,338 --> 01:03:12,105
Tonight is about celebrating
everything Tom Brady stands for.

1201
01:03:12,171 --> 01:03:14,738
He is so good-looking.

1202
01:03:14,805 --> 01:03:15,805
Oh...

1203
01:03:16,971 --> 01:03:19,105
He's fucking gorgeous.

1204
01:03:20,605 --> 01:03:22,538
[snorts] Look at this fucking picture.

1205
01:03:22,605 --> 01:03:24,671
[audience laughs]

1206
01:03:27,705 --> 01:03:29,805
Fucking... Who takes this picture?

1207
01:03:31,305 --> 01:03:33,238
- Was he pregnant?
- This fucking...

1208
01:03:34,738 --> 01:03:35,738
Fuck!

1209
01:03:38,838 --> 01:03:41,571
This is the fucking gayest shit
I've ever seen.

1210
01:03:41,638 --> 01:03:43,705
[audience laughs]

1211
01:03:43,771 --> 01:03:44,905
He...

1212
01:03:44,971 --> 01:03:46,971
[Kreischer snorting]

1213
01:03:50,105 --> 01:03:51,871
[Kreischer] That's you. That's you.

1214
01:03:53,371 --> 01:03:56,238
- That's fucking you.
- He's also...

1215
01:03:56,305 --> 01:03:58,238
He is also relentless.

1216
01:03:58,305 --> 01:04:00,205
Oh, you can't tell that guy no.

1217
01:04:01,905 --> 01:04:06,205
And he has that one thing
that only special men have.

1218
01:04:06,271 --> 01:04:07,738
He's HIV positive.

1219
01:04:07,805 --> 01:04:09,171
[audience laughs]

1220
01:04:09,238 --> 01:04:10,805
No, that was Magic,

1221
01:04:10,871 --> 01:04:13,138
and it happened right here
in this building.

1222
01:04:13,205 --> 01:04:14,571
[audience laughs and groans]

1223
01:04:15,905 --> 01:04:17,505
[Kreischer snorting]

1224
01:04:18,938 --> 01:04:20,705
So much fucking, but...

1225
01:04:22,805 --> 01:04:26,671
What Tom Brady has
is that killer instinct.

1226
01:04:26,738 --> 01:04:29,771
Which makes Netflix
the perfect place for Tom Brady.

1227
01:04:29,838 --> 01:04:33,071
Yes, because if there's one thing
that Netflix loves,

1228
01:04:33,138 --> 01:04:34,538
it's serial killers.

1229
01:04:34,605 --> 01:04:36,138
[audience laughs]

1230
01:04:36,205 --> 01:04:37,205
Don't believe us?

1231
01:04:37,271 --> 01:04:39,938
Let us compare him with another famous TB.

1232
01:04:40,005 --> 01:04:41,005
Ted Bundy.

1233
01:04:42,305 --> 01:04:44,071
Fuck, he's gorgeous too.

1234
01:04:44,938 --> 01:04:46,805
I think I might need a new hall pass.

1235
01:04:47,938 --> 01:04:51,671
Bundy has so many emotional traits
that Tom has.

1236
01:04:51,738 --> 01:04:52,805
Let's take a look.

1237
01:04:54,271 --> 01:04:55,338
Wait, what's this?

1238
01:04:55,405 --> 01:04:59,005
This is the psychopathy checklist
developed by Robert Hare.

1239
01:04:59,071 --> 01:05:01,771
It has helped me understand
my wife better, and...

1240
01:05:01,838 --> 01:05:03,371
[audience laughs]

1241
01:05:03,438 --> 01:05:07,738
...as you can see,
Tom Brady checks all the boxes.

1242
01:05:08,171 --> 01:05:09,871
Maybe they should call it
"The Brady List."

1243
01:05:09,938 --> 01:05:13,005
Oh, believe you me, Bert.
One day they will.

1244
01:05:14,971 --> 01:05:19,305
Glibness, superficial charm.
Brady's got it.

1245
01:05:20,371 --> 01:05:23,271
How does a smile just disappear like that?

1246
01:05:24,371 --> 01:05:26,671
It doesn't end there, Bert.

1247
01:05:26,738 --> 01:05:31,205
Grandiose sense of self-worth,
this motherfucker's got it.

1248
01:05:32,305 --> 01:05:35,171
All right. Well, to be fair,
Gisele got half that check.

1249
01:05:35,238 --> 01:05:36,305
Yeah, that's a good point.

1250
01:05:36,371 --> 01:05:38,138
- [audience groans]
- Oh, fuck you, is she here?

1251
01:05:39,105 --> 01:05:40,505
Then shut the fuck up.

1252
01:05:40,571 --> 01:05:42,571
[audience laughs]

1253
01:05:44,005 --> 01:05:48,771
Brady even has the need for stimulation,
prone to boredom

1254
01:05:48,838 --> 01:05:50,005
that all the psychos have.

1255
01:05:50,071 --> 01:05:53,171
"I'm retired.
You know what? I'm not retired."

1256
01:05:54,238 --> 01:05:58,271
Tom Brady is 100% a psychopath.

1257
01:05:58,338 --> 01:06:00,771
- He's from...
- [audience laughs]

1258
01:06:00,838 --> 01:06:04,171
...Northern California,
like the Zodiac Killer.

1259
01:06:07,938 --> 01:06:12,071
Uh, he choked a couple times
in New England like the Boston Strangler.

1260
01:06:12,138 --> 01:06:13,138
Yeah.

1261
01:06:14,038 --> 01:06:18,371
And he chewed up and spat out
the competition just like Dahmer.

1262
01:06:21,305 --> 01:06:24,771
What about another Netflix
documentary darling, Jeffrey Epstein?

1263
01:06:24,838 --> 01:06:28,138
Well, he wasn't a serial killer.

1264
01:06:28,205 --> 01:06:31,171
He just had a sex-trafficking ring,
and unlike Tom,

1265
01:06:31,238 --> 01:06:34,038
it was a ring he earned legitimately
without cheating.

1266
01:06:34,105 --> 01:06:36,105
[audience laughs]

1267
01:06:38,138 --> 01:06:40,871
He is an ice-cold killer.

1268
01:06:40,938 --> 01:06:47,605
No, that was Aaron Hernandez,
Tom's bestie and favorite target.

1269
01:06:47,671 --> 01:06:50,871
Look at this,
just a couple of goofballs having a laugh.

1270
01:06:53,838 --> 01:06:55,105
Oh, my God!

1271
01:06:55,171 --> 01:06:57,638
- What?
- I just realized, it hit me.

1272
01:06:57,705 --> 01:07:02,238
Tom Brady is just like
another famous "not-so-nice guy."

1273
01:07:02,305 --> 01:07:06,138
Wait, you mean that notorious team leader

1274
01:07:06,205 --> 01:07:08,105
who was told he wasn't any good,

1275
01:07:08,171 --> 01:07:11,771
but he still pushed through
and made sure everyone knew his name?

1276
01:07:11,838 --> 01:07:12,838
You got it.

1277
01:07:12,905 --> 01:07:14,671
- Hitler!
- Yeah!

1278
01:07:14,738 --> 01:07:15,771
[audience laughs]

1279
01:07:15,838 --> 01:07:17,571
They're so alike!

1280
01:07:17,638 --> 01:07:19,471
The only difference is...

1281
01:07:19,538 --> 01:07:21,005
[audience laughs]

1282
01:07:21,071 --> 01:07:23,205
- They look so cute together.
- They do.

1283
01:07:24,071 --> 01:07:26,338
The only difference
between Tom Brady and Hitler

1284
01:07:26,405 --> 01:07:28,538
is that Hitler stuck with his wife
until the end.

1285
01:07:28,605 --> 01:07:30,605
[audience groans]

1286
01:07:32,905 --> 01:07:37,871
At least Hitler had the balls
to do what we wish Brady would,

1287
01:07:37,938 --> 01:07:40,805
- put a bullet in his head.
- [audience groans]

1288
01:07:40,871 --> 01:07:42,171
Stay retired.

1289
01:07:43,238 --> 01:07:45,938
Tom Brady, you are a terrifying man,

1290
01:07:46,005 --> 01:07:49,638
and we are so glad you found football
before hookers and genocide.

1291
01:07:51,138 --> 01:07:54,605
Please know, these are all just jokes
and we do not wanna die.

1292
01:07:54,671 --> 01:07:57,171
Yeah. Seriously, dude, you are the best.

1293
01:07:57,238 --> 01:07:59,271
Thank you for having us.
Please don't kill us.

1294
01:07:59,338 --> 01:08:00,871
We really wanna live. We have families.

1295
01:08:00,938 --> 01:08:02,671
- Don't kill us, Tom. Thank you.
- We love you.

1296
01:08:02,738 --> 01:08:04,305
[audience cheers]

1297
01:08:04,371 --> 01:08:06,205
- [Hart] Wow.
- [Kreischer] Thank you.

1298
01:08:06,271 --> 01:08:08,371
- [Hart] Wow.
- [indistinct chatter]

1299
01:08:09,405 --> 01:08:11,205
Wow, wow, wow.

1300
01:08:12,771 --> 01:08:14,605
Guys, we are having an amazing night.

1301
01:08:14,671 --> 01:08:17,338
On a night like this, you got to go out
and check on people, right?

1302
01:08:17,405 --> 01:08:18,638
How you guys doing, man?

1303
01:08:18,705 --> 01:08:22,305
It's the goddamn table full of fighters.
Hey. Not you. You're different.

1304
01:08:22,371 --> 01:08:24,371
Hey, Dana, you having a good time?

1305
01:08:24,438 --> 01:08:26,471
I'm not gonna fuck you, Dana.
Don't square up on me.

1306
01:08:26,538 --> 01:08:29,605
Did you just fucking square up
like you about to hit me?

1307
01:08:29,671 --> 01:08:32,038
Jesus Christ, racism in real time.

1308
01:08:32,105 --> 01:08:34,404
How you doing, big guy?
All right. Just come...

1309
01:08:34,471 --> 01:08:36,505
Sit down, boss. This is my trainer.

1310
01:08:36,571 --> 01:08:39,138
This is your moment right here.
I'm giving you TV time. Say hello.

1311
01:08:39,205 --> 01:08:41,705
I'm killing time right now.
Do your cool face right now.

1312
01:08:41,771 --> 01:08:44,904
Nah, that looks stupid. Move.
Watch out. You blew it.

1313
01:08:44,971 --> 01:08:48,038
You fucking blew it.
Look at these beautiful women over here.

1314
01:08:48,105 --> 01:08:49,838
Here's my wife and her two brothers.

1315
01:08:49,904 --> 01:08:53,205
That's Dom and that's Kyle,
her two brother friends.

1316
01:08:53,271 --> 01:08:54,371
And this is my wife.

1317
01:08:54,438 --> 01:08:55,871
All right, guys, we're set.

1318
01:08:55,938 --> 01:08:57,705
We're going to keep it going.

1319
01:08:57,771 --> 01:09:01,771
Oh, my God, what an amazing time
that we are about to have.

1320
01:09:01,838 --> 01:09:02,938
Ladies and gentlemen.

1321
01:09:03,005 --> 01:09:04,738
Ladies and gentlemen,
with that being said,

1322
01:09:04,805 --> 01:09:06,671
make some noise for a friend.

1323
01:09:06,738 --> 01:09:09,471
A funny favorite of mine, Sam Jay.

1324
01:09:09,538 --> 01:09:12,538
- [audience cheers]
- [hip-hop music plays]

1325
01:09:18,238 --> 01:09:19,105
[hip-hop music fades]

1326
01:09:19,171 --> 01:09:23,071
{\an8}Wow, it is truly amazing
to be here, seriously.

1327
01:09:23,138 --> 01:09:24,538
{\an8}I'm from Boston.

1328
01:09:24,605 --> 01:09:26,605
{\an8}[audience cheers]

1329
01:09:27,338 --> 01:09:29,238
So I'm absolutely honored.

1330
01:09:29,838 --> 01:09:31,205
I have to thank Netflix,

1331
01:09:31,271 --> 01:09:34,105
and also I wanna say
congratulations to you, Netflix.

1332
01:09:34,171 --> 01:09:35,505
You've done it again.

1333
01:09:35,571 --> 01:09:39,105
You've made another white man
a mediocre star.

1334
01:09:39,571 --> 01:09:42,271
Bert, you are truly talentless.

1335
01:09:42,338 --> 01:09:43,538
[audience laughs]

1336
01:09:43,605 --> 01:09:47,338
You are a disgrace
to the legacy of fat, funny superstars.

1337
01:09:48,005 --> 01:09:49,538
If you were actually talented,

1338
01:09:49,605 --> 01:09:52,638
you would have overdosed
in a hotel room a long time ago.

1339
01:09:54,171 --> 01:09:57,671
Farley, Belushi, these were great men.

1340
01:09:58,271 --> 01:09:59,838
They knew how to live.

1341
01:10:00,505 --> 01:10:02,405
They ate heart-clogging steaks,

1342
01:10:02,805 --> 01:10:04,605
they fucked prostitutes,

1343
01:10:04,671 --> 01:10:06,471
they did mountains of cocaine.

1344
01:10:07,105 --> 01:10:09,471
They went out like fucking rock stars.

1345
01:10:09,538 --> 01:10:13,471
Bert, you don't do drugs
and you only fuck your wife.

1346
01:10:13,538 --> 01:10:15,305
You don't even know how to be...

1347
01:10:15,371 --> 01:10:17,405
[audience laughs]

1348
01:10:25,305 --> 01:10:26,938
[Jay laughs]

1349
01:10:29,138 --> 01:10:31,938
You don't even know
how to be fat and famous right.

1350
01:10:32,805 --> 01:10:35,171
You're gonna die from too much Kool-Aid,

1351
01:10:35,238 --> 01:10:38,105
endless shrimp,
and choking on Joe Rogan's dick.

1352
01:10:39,705 --> 01:10:42,771
I was worried about AI,
but, Bert, you're proof that a machine

1353
01:10:42,838 --> 01:10:44,171
can't write a good script.

1354
01:10:47,638 --> 01:10:51,038
You're an example
of racism being alive and well,

1355
01:10:51,105 --> 01:10:54,638
because for a shirtless, fat Black man
to make your kind of money,

1356
01:10:54,705 --> 01:10:56,705
he had to get hit by a Walmart truck.

1357
01:10:56,771 --> 01:10:59,438
[audience laughs]

1358
01:10:59,505 --> 01:11:02,871
Drew, it's so nice to see you here, bro.

1359
01:11:02,938 --> 01:11:06,005
Honestly, I'm from Boston,
so this feels really good,

1360
01:11:06,071 --> 01:11:09,271
'cause I grew up hearing your name
around my house, you know?

1361
01:11:09,338 --> 01:11:11,771
They'd be like, "Yeah, Drew Bledsoe sucks.

1362
01:11:11,838 --> 01:11:14,471
That big-ass white boy can't run for shit.

1363
01:11:14,538 --> 01:11:17,238
That nigga got a potato face."
Shit like that.

1364
01:11:20,305 --> 01:11:23,405
I just want you to know I'm not like that.
I'm evolved, you know what I mean?

1365
01:11:23,471 --> 01:11:24,505
I have empathy.

1366
01:11:24,571 --> 01:11:27,138
I know it must be hard
to be a fucking loser.

1367
01:11:28,338 --> 01:11:31,338
Seriously, dude,
what the fuck are you doing here?

1368
01:11:32,705 --> 01:11:36,505
This dude has bested you in every way,
so we know you hate him.

1369
01:11:37,038 --> 01:11:40,105
You went first, he went sixth,

1370
01:11:40,605 --> 01:11:43,771
and he still took your spot
and sent you off to Buffalo.

1371
01:11:44,771 --> 01:11:46,971
He's been cucking you for years,

1372
01:11:47,838 --> 01:11:49,371
and yet here you sit.

1373
01:11:49,771 --> 01:11:52,238
You like that shit, don't you?
You sick fuck.

1374
01:11:52,305 --> 01:11:54,738
- [audience laughs]
- Tom, do us a favor

1375
01:11:54,805 --> 01:11:57,571
and fuck this dude's wife already
and get it over with.

1376
01:11:57,638 --> 01:12:00,005
[audience laughs]

1377
01:12:00,638 --> 01:12:03,771
The only ring you have
is the one Tom won for you.

1378
01:12:04,338 --> 01:12:07,205
So your Super Bowl ring
is just like my strap-on.

1379
01:12:07,805 --> 01:12:10,271
Just because you wear it,
doesn't make it real.

1380
01:12:10,771 --> 01:12:12,771
[audience laughs]

1381
01:12:18,505 --> 01:12:19,505
Drew...

1382
01:12:20,771 --> 01:12:23,271
honestly, if you put yourself
out of your misery tonight,

1383
01:12:23,338 --> 01:12:24,705
we'd all understand.

1384
01:12:25,271 --> 01:12:26,771
But I just want you to know,

1385
01:12:26,838 --> 01:12:29,405
you'd still be
the second-best Patriot to do that.

1386
01:12:30,105 --> 01:12:32,105
[audience laughs]

1387
01:12:36,271 --> 01:12:38,838
Tom, I'm so honored, dude.

1388
01:12:40,005 --> 01:12:42,505
But I have to say,
for a guy who doesn't like Black people,

1389
01:12:42,571 --> 01:12:44,371
you sure do a lot of nigga shit.

1390
01:12:44,438 --> 01:12:46,571
[audience laughs]

1391
01:12:46,638 --> 01:12:49,838
You wear all your rings,
you love the Migos,

1392
01:12:49,905 --> 01:12:52,071
you took out an illegal PPP loan...

1393
01:12:52,138 --> 01:12:54,005
[audience laughs]

1394
01:12:54,071 --> 01:12:56,038
...and you refuse to raise your kids.

1395
01:12:59,538 --> 01:13:02,438
I actually think
that's why you left the Patriots.

1396
01:13:02,505 --> 01:13:06,371
- You were too Black for Boston.
- [audience laughs]

1397
01:13:07,371 --> 01:13:09,305
I know retirement is hard.

1398
01:13:09,771 --> 01:13:11,705
I too have retired something.

1399
01:13:11,771 --> 01:13:13,538
I put down dick years ago.

1400
01:13:14,871 --> 01:13:17,605
And GOAT to GOAT, I have to say,

1401
01:13:17,671 --> 01:13:19,705
I'm ready for one last game,

1402
01:13:19,771 --> 01:13:22,971
and I know you wanna know
what it's like to score one more time.

1403
01:13:23,838 --> 01:13:26,205
And I just wanna know
if my pussy's still good.

1404
01:13:27,471 --> 01:13:28,871
And who would be a better judge?

1405
01:13:30,605 --> 01:13:33,205
But this isn't sexual.
I'm not hard up like Nikki.

1406
01:13:33,271 --> 01:13:34,671
[audience laughs]

1407
01:13:35,171 --> 01:13:37,271
This is completely a fact-finding mission.

1408
01:13:38,405 --> 01:13:41,505
So no Luther Vandross, no candles,

1409
01:13:42,171 --> 01:13:46,305
just me, cocked open on the table,
OB-GYN style,

1410
01:13:47,005 --> 01:13:50,705
hospital gown, you come in with your UGGs,

1411
01:13:50,771 --> 01:13:53,671
- dick already hard...
- [audience laughs]

1412
01:13:59,871 --> 01:14:02,438
Dick already hard
'cause I'm not doing all that.

1413
01:14:04,271 --> 01:14:05,938
You have on a hospital gown too,

1414
01:14:06,005 --> 01:14:07,938
but it's backwards
so the dick can stick out.

1415
01:14:09,605 --> 01:14:12,905
You hut twice,
and then you stick it in, bam.

1416
01:14:13,538 --> 01:14:14,871
One strong stroke,

1417
01:14:15,605 --> 01:14:17,005
then you pull out slow,

1418
01:14:17,571 --> 01:14:20,471
we towel down, high five.

1419
01:14:21,538 --> 01:14:23,438
You could be my final completion,

1420
01:14:24,505 --> 01:14:27,071
and I can be the first time
you look a Black woman in the eyes.

1421
01:14:27,138 --> 01:14:29,805
[audience laughs]

1422
01:14:32,471 --> 01:14:33,871
But seriously, Tom,

1423
01:14:35,205 --> 01:14:37,905
I'm a Patriot fan, I'm a Bostonian...

1424
01:14:37,971 --> 01:14:40,338
[audience cheers]

1425
01:14:40,405 --> 01:14:44,138
...and loving you is a scarlet letter
that I wear proudly.

1426
01:14:44,205 --> 01:14:45,938
I appreciate what you did for the city.

1427
01:14:46,605 --> 01:14:48,138
You truly are the GOAT.

1428
01:14:48,738 --> 01:14:51,005
And will you please, please,
please sign my jersey?

1429
01:14:53,271 --> 01:14:55,271
[audience cheers]

1430
01:14:59,071 --> 01:15:01,205
Sam Jay, y'all. Goddamn.

1431
01:15:02,171 --> 01:15:04,405
[Ferrell] Ladies and gentlemen,

1432
01:15:04,471 --> 01:15:07,838
please welcome to the stage
a living legend,

1433
01:15:08,238 --> 01:15:10,371
a world-class lover,

1434
01:15:10,938 --> 01:15:15,038
and the number-one news anchor
in all of San Diego...

1435
01:15:15,105 --> 01:15:17,971
- [audience cheers]
- ...Mr. Ron Burgundy!

1436
01:15:19,538 --> 01:15:21,538
[dramatic music plays]

1437
01:15:47,338 --> 01:15:48,271
[dramatic music fades]

1438
01:15:48,338 --> 01:15:51,571
Hello, everyone.
New York City in the house!

1439
01:15:51,638 --> 01:15:53,771
[audience cheers]

1440
01:15:55,805 --> 01:15:59,671
Madison Square Garden, oh, MSG!

1441
01:16:01,805 --> 01:16:03,538
{\an8}Billy Joel!

1442
01:16:03,605 --> 01:16:06,038
{\an8}Residency! Yes!

1443
01:16:08,338 --> 01:16:10,671
How about those Knickerbockers, huh?

1444
01:16:10,738 --> 01:16:11,738
Yeah.

1445
01:16:13,038 --> 01:16:15,871
Probably gonna lose in the second round,

1446
01:16:16,638 --> 01:16:18,371
but we're looking good right now.

1447
01:16:22,371 --> 01:16:23,438
Kevin Hart...

1448
01:16:25,305 --> 01:16:28,571
my second-favorite comedian
next to Earthquake.

1449
01:16:28,638 --> 01:16:30,638
[audience laughs]

1450
01:16:32,205 --> 01:16:33,605
God, I love Earthquake.

1451
01:16:34,438 --> 01:16:35,438
Hello.

1452
01:16:37,471 --> 01:16:40,738
My name is Ron Burgundy, and, uh...

1453
01:16:40,805 --> 01:16:42,805
[audience cheers]

1454
01:16:45,805 --> 01:16:48,638
I am a very big deal, but, uh...

1455
01:16:49,805 --> 01:16:52,138
- tonight is not about me.
- [woman] Love you, Ron!

1456
01:16:52,205 --> 01:16:53,505
I love you too.

1457
01:16:56,405 --> 01:17:00,205
Not about me. We are here to honor
a champion of the gridiron,

1458
01:17:00,805 --> 01:17:02,238
a great American,

1459
01:17:02,905 --> 01:17:03,938
a father,

1460
01:17:04,505 --> 01:17:06,138
and a sexy man.

1461
01:17:07,905 --> 01:17:11,571
A true Patriot
until he was not, of course.

1462
01:17:12,505 --> 01:17:14,905
- Uh...
- [audience laughs]

1463
01:17:18,571 --> 01:17:20,605
Mr. Tom Brady.

1464
01:17:20,671 --> 01:17:22,671
[audience cheers]

1465
01:17:25,971 --> 01:17:28,405
Holy shit, this man is gorgeous.

1466
01:17:30,405 --> 01:17:32,505
I've seen him on TV before,

1467
01:17:32,571 --> 01:17:35,138
but in person, itchy wah-wah.

1468
01:17:35,205 --> 01:17:37,405
[audience laughs]

1469
01:17:39,138 --> 01:17:40,138
Whoa!

1470
01:17:41,505 --> 01:17:43,138
Look at those cheekbones.

1471
01:17:44,071 --> 01:17:47,405
That's a million-watt smile right there,
and those eyes.

1472
01:17:48,705 --> 01:17:50,738
A person could get lost in those eyes.

1473
01:17:52,338 --> 01:17:54,238
And right now, I am that person.

1474
01:17:55,171 --> 01:17:57,138
[audience laughs]

1475
01:17:57,571 --> 01:17:59,205
Ron, pull it together!

1476
01:17:59,905 --> 01:18:01,271
You're a straight man.

1477
01:18:02,638 --> 01:18:06,038
He's making you question your sexuality.
Stop looking at him.

1478
01:18:08,271 --> 01:18:11,705
You're here to make fun of him,
not fall in love.

1479
01:18:11,771 --> 01:18:13,071
Concentrate. Here we go.

1480
01:18:14,738 --> 01:18:17,605
All right. Back to the roast, everyone.

1481
01:18:18,738 --> 01:18:20,438
I never liked you, Tom.

1482
01:18:20,505 --> 01:18:22,338
[audience laughs]

1483
01:18:24,505 --> 01:18:27,405
In all my years
of watching professional football,

1484
01:18:27,471 --> 01:18:30,105
I never saw a more boring quarterback.

1485
01:18:31,071 --> 01:18:33,671
The master of the six-yard slant.

1486
01:18:33,738 --> 01:18:35,738
[audience laughs]

1487
01:18:38,971 --> 01:18:41,438
The screen, the checkdown.

1488
01:18:42,638 --> 01:18:44,105
Randy Moss, where are you?

1489
01:18:44,938 --> 01:18:47,205
There's Randy. I see you over there.

1490
01:18:47,271 --> 01:18:49,738
All that speed running down the field. Hm?

1491
01:18:50,205 --> 01:18:52,471
Randy, he was never
gonna get you the ring.

1492
01:18:54,238 --> 01:18:57,071
The checkdown pass was
the only option. Sorry.

1493
01:18:57,571 --> 01:18:59,338
You were just a sexy decoy...

1494
01:19:00,438 --> 01:19:01,871
to make Tom look good.

1495
01:19:03,071 --> 01:19:06,005
You were the on-the-field version
of Gisele Bündchen.

1496
01:19:06,071 --> 01:19:08,071
[audience laughs]

1497
01:19:10,038 --> 01:19:12,205
Is it Gisele or Gisiele?

1498
01:19:13,271 --> 01:19:14,805
Gisiele, I believe, right?

1499
01:19:16,438 --> 01:19:17,671
Gisiele.

1500
01:19:18,838 --> 01:19:20,138
Gisiele Bündchen.

1501
01:19:21,705 --> 01:19:23,738
From Spain. She's Spanish, right?

1502
01:19:24,838 --> 01:19:27,038
Tom, look at me. She's Spanish, right?

1503
01:19:27,871 --> 01:19:29,471
Oh, you don't even know? Okay.

1504
01:19:29,538 --> 01:19:31,538
[audience laughs]

1505
01:19:37,738 --> 01:19:39,471
Poor Gisiele.

1506
01:19:42,205 --> 01:19:45,338
It took her 13 years
to learn what we all know.

1507
01:19:45,405 --> 01:19:46,638
Tom is boring.

1508
01:19:46,705 --> 01:19:48,705
[audience laughs]

1509
01:19:49,805 --> 01:19:52,138
Dink, donk, dink, donk.

1510
01:19:52,638 --> 01:19:55,871
Dink, donk,
dink, donk, touchdown. Who cares?

1511
01:19:55,938 --> 01:19:58,138
[audience laughs]

1512
01:20:00,471 --> 01:20:01,471
Who cares?

1513
01:20:03,238 --> 01:20:06,571
The guys on, uh, <i>SportsCenter,</i>
some personal friends of mine,

1514
01:20:06,638 --> 01:20:09,305
used to praise Tom for his quick release.

1515
01:20:11,505 --> 01:20:13,271
Not women, by the way.

1516
01:20:13,938 --> 01:20:17,071
Women were not impressed
by his quick release.

1517
01:20:17,138 --> 01:20:19,138
[audience laughs]

1518
01:20:23,371 --> 01:20:26,738
I'm putting Earthquake to shame,
right, Kevin? Yeah. [clears throat]

1519
01:20:27,938 --> 01:20:30,905
I mean, the last time
this guy went truly deep,

1520
01:20:30,971 --> 01:20:33,771
he ended up paying child support
to Bridget Moynahan.

1521
01:20:33,838 --> 01:20:35,838
[audience laughs]

1522
01:20:36,671 --> 01:20:37,805
[man whoops]

1523
01:20:38,471 --> 01:20:40,238
I wrote that myself this morning.

1524
01:20:40,305 --> 01:20:42,238
[audience laughs]

1525
01:20:42,305 --> 01:20:45,571
In the airport bathroom,
at LaGuardia. [clears throat]

1526
01:20:50,205 --> 01:20:53,338
It should be obvious now,
Tom ruined football for all of us.

1527
01:20:53,405 --> 01:20:57,471
Uh, watching the Patriots play
actually made me look forward

1528
01:20:57,538 --> 01:21:01,038
to all the fun and laughter
of a Bill Belichick post-game interview.

1529
01:21:01,105 --> 01:21:03,705
[audience laughs]

1530
01:21:03,771 --> 01:21:06,038
By the way, Bill, wherever you are, I...

1531
01:21:06,538 --> 01:21:09,005
I hope you know... Hope you know it now.

1532
01:21:09,438 --> 01:21:11,805
It was Tom. It was never you.

1533
01:21:11,871 --> 01:21:13,871
[audience cheers]

1534
01:21:18,671 --> 01:21:19,705
Remember?

1535
01:21:19,771 --> 01:21:23,005
No, no. Remember that period
when people thought it was you?

1536
01:21:23,071 --> 01:21:24,638
Well, it wasn't. It was Tom.

1537
01:21:24,705 --> 01:21:26,705
[audience laughs]

1538
01:21:27,638 --> 01:21:29,571
I understand, Bill,
you're currently unemployed.

1539
01:21:29,638 --> 01:21:31,138
Good luck on ZipRecruiter.

1540
01:21:31,205 --> 01:21:33,205
[audience laughs]

1541
01:21:35,705 --> 01:21:37,971
A lot of jobs in the health-care field.

1542
01:21:39,471 --> 01:21:41,771
I hear male nurses are in great demand,

1543
01:21:41,838 --> 01:21:43,471
and with your bedside manner...

1544
01:21:45,405 --> 01:21:49,538
no one would rather wake up
after gallbladder surgery

1545
01:21:49,605 --> 01:21:52,705
and look into the loving,
kind face of Bill Belichick

1546
01:21:53,105 --> 01:21:54,638
as he gives you a sponge bath.

1547
01:21:54,705 --> 01:21:56,705
[audience laughs]

1548
01:22:01,605 --> 01:22:04,971
No, there's no reason
why we all had to endure

1549
01:22:05,105 --> 01:22:08,371
20 seasons
of six-yard passes to Gronkowski.

1550
01:22:10,471 --> 01:22:13,405
Tom was too afraid
to hold on to the football

1551
01:22:13,471 --> 01:22:16,305
because under all that lifeless lumber,

1552
01:22:17,138 --> 01:22:18,638
handsome as he is...

1553
01:22:19,638 --> 01:22:21,838
And he is very handsome, my God.

1554
01:22:21,905 --> 01:22:23,471
[audience cheers]

1555
01:22:25,038 --> 01:22:28,038
If you were this close to him like I am,
you'd know what I'm talking about.

1556
01:22:29,505 --> 01:22:32,005
I haven't even mentioned his golden skin.

1557
01:22:34,605 --> 01:22:37,038
Don't you shake your head at me
and say, "Crazy."

1558
01:22:38,005 --> 01:22:41,138
I'll make life crazy for you, Kemosabe.

1559
01:22:43,271 --> 01:22:46,238
How it must feel
to touch that golden skin...

1560
01:22:46,305 --> 01:22:48,105
[audience laughs]

1561
01:22:49,305 --> 01:22:51,338
These are strange feelings, Ron.

1562
01:22:51,405 --> 01:22:52,671
Focus, focus!

1563
01:22:53,338 --> 01:22:55,438
You hate the man, remember.
Remember, you hate him.

1564
01:22:55,505 --> 01:22:57,171
Where was I? Oh, yes.

1565
01:22:57,238 --> 01:23:00,105
Underneath that dead robot
of a quarterback...

1566
01:23:01,671 --> 01:23:03,638
there's a scared little boy.

1567
01:23:04,105 --> 01:23:05,205
How do I know this?

1568
01:23:05,705 --> 01:23:08,571
You don't see
Eli Manning here tonight, do you?

1569
01:23:08,638 --> 01:23:11,305
- No.
- [audience groans]

1570
01:23:12,171 --> 01:23:15,005
That's because he's afraid of Eli Manning.

1571
01:23:16,238 --> 01:23:20,538
Eli Manning made Tom Brady his bitch.
He made him his bitch.

1572
01:23:21,138 --> 01:23:23,138
[audience laughs]

1573
01:23:25,105 --> 01:23:29,505
Okay, I'd like to hear everyone
in the audience say that with me.

1574
01:23:30,605 --> 01:23:33,671
On the count of three,
we're all gonna say:

1575
01:23:33,738 --> 01:23:37,405
"Eli Manning made Tom Brady his bitch."

1576
01:23:38,305 --> 01:23:42,005
One, two, three.

1577
01:23:42,071 --> 01:23:47,071
[all] Eli Manning made
Tom Brady his bitch.

1578
01:23:49,538 --> 01:23:52,171
That was terrible! Let's do it again.

1579
01:23:52,238 --> 01:23:54,238
[audience laughs]

1580
01:23:55,738 --> 01:23:58,638
Actually, as disjointed as that was,
that felt good.

1581
01:24:00,971 --> 01:24:03,305
Don't worry, Tom, the nightmare is over.

1582
01:24:03,905 --> 01:24:08,138
You can just sit back, relax,
and talk about football,

1583
01:24:08,238 --> 01:24:10,805
invest in cryptocurrency scams...

1584
01:24:12,005 --> 01:24:13,738
and drink your protein shakes.

1585
01:24:15,105 --> 01:24:16,371
I don't know if you know this.

1586
01:24:16,438 --> 01:24:20,305
Tom has a whole line
of plant-based nutrition called TB12.

1587
01:24:20,705 --> 01:24:21,971
Look it up. Yeah.

1588
01:24:23,338 --> 01:24:25,905
It's good...
I lost 15 pounds from this stuff.

1589
01:24:26,405 --> 01:24:27,971
Uh, those shakes work.

1590
01:24:28,738 --> 01:24:31,138
I only had to drink one glass,
and for the next two weeks,

1591
01:24:31,205 --> 01:24:34,205
I was on the can with the worst case
of diarrhea I've ever had.

1592
01:24:34,271 --> 01:24:36,238
[audience laughs]

1593
01:24:36,305 --> 01:24:39,005
I recommend the cookies-and-cream shake.

1594
01:24:40,205 --> 01:24:42,738
There's nothing like
shooting out cookies and cream

1595
01:24:42,805 --> 01:24:44,138
as you race to the toilet.

1596
01:24:44,205 --> 01:24:46,205
[audience laughs]

1597
01:24:47,205 --> 01:24:48,471
Cookies and cream...

1598
01:24:49,305 --> 01:24:52,705
all over the floor
of the LaGuardia Airport bathroom,

1599
01:24:53,105 --> 01:24:54,571
Stall Number 3.

1600
01:24:55,205 --> 01:24:57,105
That's the one I always go to.

1601
01:24:58,871 --> 01:25:01,405
On that classy note,
I'd like to wrap it up.

1602
01:25:02,638 --> 01:25:06,238
Tom, it's clear,
everybody up here loves you.

1603
01:25:08,471 --> 01:25:10,571
- I...
- [audience cheers]

1604
01:25:10,638 --> 01:25:12,938
I love you, although it...

1605
01:25:14,005 --> 01:25:15,538
It might just be lust.

1606
01:25:17,238 --> 01:25:19,738
It could be love. We'll never know.

1607
01:25:21,438 --> 01:25:24,038
I can't wait for you
to be up there on Fox Sports

1608
01:25:24,105 --> 01:25:28,305
commentating on the game you loved, or...

1609
01:25:29,538 --> 01:25:32,338
Or playing for the Raiders
in the playoffs.

1610
01:25:32,405 --> 01:25:34,405
- [audience laughs]
- Or, uh...

1611
01:25:35,771 --> 01:25:39,438
coaching the Patriots,
or whatever the fuck you're gonna do.

1612
01:25:40,405 --> 01:25:41,838
I mean, let's be honest.

1613
01:25:41,905 --> 01:25:43,738
Your best years are behind you, Tom,

1614
01:25:43,805 --> 01:25:48,238
- the Super Bowls, Gisiele, uh...
- [audience laughs]

1615
01:25:49,305 --> 01:25:50,871
...your movie career.

1616
01:25:50,938 --> 01:25:52,505
It's all done. It's all gone.

1617
01:25:53,105 --> 01:25:54,471
But you won't be forgotten.

1618
01:25:55,038 --> 01:25:58,605
You'll always be remembered
as Eli Manning's bitch.

1619
01:25:59,371 --> 01:26:01,371
[audience laughs]

1620
01:26:03,938 --> 01:26:06,038
Don't let that get you down, Tom.

1621
01:26:06,838 --> 01:26:08,638
Like I said before, we all love you.

1622
01:26:08,705 --> 01:26:11,938
In fact, only one man truly hates you,

1623
01:26:12,005 --> 01:26:14,171
and it is my pleasure
to bring him out here,

1624
01:26:14,238 --> 01:26:16,005
Mr. Bill Belichick.

1625
01:26:16,838 --> 01:26:19,838
- [ominous music plays]
- [audience cheers]

1626
01:26:34,371 --> 01:26:35,405
[ominous music fades]

1627
01:26:40,238 --> 01:26:42,405
[speaking indistinctly]

1628
01:26:47,271 --> 01:26:48,271
Thank you.

1629
01:26:54,771 --> 01:26:55,771
{\an8}Oh...

1630
01:27:03,071 --> 01:27:04,071
What's up?

1631
01:27:05,105 --> 01:27:06,105
Thank you.

1632
01:27:06,171 --> 01:27:08,171
[audience cheers]

1633
01:27:14,471 --> 01:27:18,205
What's up? Uh, Kevin, you think you can
get me a cheer like that in Philly?

1634
01:27:19,271 --> 01:27:21,538
Yeah. I don't think so. [chuckles]

1635
01:27:22,405 --> 01:27:24,905
Um, Ron Burgundy.

1636
01:27:26,171 --> 01:27:27,171
Where's Ron?

1637
01:27:27,238 --> 01:27:29,005
[audience cheers]

1638
01:27:29,071 --> 01:27:31,905
Ron Burgundy,
the only member of the media I respect.

1639
01:27:31,971 --> 01:27:33,971
[audience laughs]

1640
01:27:35,705 --> 01:27:36,738
Yeah.

1641
01:27:37,638 --> 01:27:39,238
The fellas invited me up here

1642
01:27:39,305 --> 01:27:40,971
to lighten up the mood
a little bit tonight.

1643
01:27:41,038 --> 01:27:43,038
[audience laughs]

1644
01:27:44,738 --> 01:27:48,338
Um, but, seriously,
I'm so honored to be here,

1645
01:27:48,405 --> 01:27:50,805
uh, for the roast of Tom Brady on Netflix.

1646
01:27:50,871 --> 01:27:54,238
Uh, it's not to be confused... No.

1647
01:27:54,305 --> 01:27:56,605
It's not to be confused
with the roast of Bill Belichick

1648
01:27:56,671 --> 01:27:59,705
on the 10-part, uh, Apple TV series.

1649
01:27:59,771 --> 01:28:01,771
[audience laughs]

1650
01:28:04,938 --> 01:28:06,105
So...

1651
01:28:07,938 --> 01:28:13,071
Um, there's a lot of mean things
being said about Tom tonight.

1652
01:28:15,438 --> 01:28:17,005
I wonder why they invited me.

1653
01:28:17,438 --> 01:28:19,438
[audience laughs]

1654
01:28:21,105 --> 01:28:24,338
Really, Tom, why are all these people
so hard on you?

1655
01:28:24,405 --> 01:28:25,638
Do you miss me?

1656
01:28:25,705 --> 01:28:27,705
[audience laughs]

1657
01:28:30,005 --> 01:28:33,005
And, uh, you know, Kevin,
whenever Kevin talks,

1658
01:28:33,071 --> 01:28:35,571
I go into a cover 2 defense,
cover both ears.

1659
01:28:36,238 --> 01:28:38,238
[audience laughs]

1660
01:28:38,871 --> 01:28:40,105
Uh...

1661
01:28:42,005 --> 01:28:45,905
Some... First time, you know,
some of these comedians tonight,

1662
01:28:45,971 --> 01:28:49,938
uh, Andrew Schulz,
Nikki Glaser, Tom Segura...

1663
01:28:51,305 --> 01:28:54,471
This is the comedy version
of the No-Name Defense.

1664
01:28:54,538 --> 01:28:56,538
[audience laughs]

1665
01:28:59,405 --> 01:29:00,605
Who are these people?

1666
01:29:07,205 --> 01:29:09,905
You know, for 49 years
I've been a football coach,

1667
01:29:09,971 --> 01:29:13,838
but tonight I'm gonna be a life coach.
And, Jeff? Punt.

1668
01:29:14,338 --> 01:29:16,338
[audience laughs]

1669
01:29:19,905 --> 01:29:22,805
When I get rid of my two sleeves,
it's from my sweatshirts.

1670
01:29:23,371 --> 01:29:26,538
When Jeff Ross gets rid of his
two sleeves, it's from a box of cookies.

1671
01:29:34,238 --> 01:29:35,338
[McGinest] Go ahead, Bill.

1672
01:29:36,405 --> 01:29:38,538
- I got it rolling? All right.
- [McGinest] Do it, coach.

1673
01:29:39,271 --> 01:29:42,538
You know, uh, a lot of people, you know,

1674
01:29:43,238 --> 01:29:46,138
kind of connected me
with a saying called, you know:

1675
01:29:46,205 --> 01:29:49,738
"Do your job," and telling people
to do their job, and Gronk...

1676
01:29:49,805 --> 01:29:52,438
[audience cheers and applauds]

1677
01:29:55,471 --> 01:29:57,905
Gronk, I've been watching you
on <i>Fox NFL Sunday,</i>

1678
01:29:58,471 --> 01:30:02,071
and I'm begging you,
please, stop doing your job.

1679
01:30:02,138 --> 01:30:04,071
[audience laughs]

1680
01:30:13,171 --> 01:30:15,738
Do another job. Do somebody else's job.

1681
01:30:20,605 --> 01:30:22,971
I love coaching Gronk. He was the best.

1682
01:30:23,038 --> 01:30:26,038
He was a great teammate,
great, great player, Hall of Fame player.

1683
01:30:26,771 --> 01:30:28,071
Give it up for Gronk, man.

1684
01:30:28,138 --> 01:30:30,638
[audience cheers and applauds]

1685
01:30:32,771 --> 01:30:33,905
Gronk's taking a lot of heat.

1686
01:30:33,971 --> 01:30:36,838
He's been roasted the third most
between Brady, then me,

1687
01:30:36,905 --> 01:30:38,971
and Gronk tonight, but, uh...

1688
01:30:39,705 --> 01:30:41,305
But, sorry, Rob, I gotta keep going.

1689
01:30:41,371 --> 01:30:44,738
You know, Rob last landed
some endorsement deals

1690
01:30:44,805 --> 01:30:46,005
for some of his favorite foods.

1691
01:30:46,071 --> 01:30:48,038
You know, Campbell's Soup, Dunkin' Donuts,

1692
01:30:48,105 --> 01:30:50,038
and don't forget Tide Pods.

1693
01:30:50,105 --> 01:30:51,171
[audience laughs]

1694
01:30:52,905 --> 01:30:53,905
[man] Whoo!

1695
01:30:53,971 --> 01:30:55,771
[inaudible dialogue]

1696
01:31:01,605 --> 01:31:04,571
Just a true story, 100% true story.

1697
01:31:04,638 --> 01:31:08,638
I used Rob's Tide Pod commercial
to teach our team

1698
01:31:08,705 --> 01:31:10,405
that this is when you say no.

1699
01:31:10,471 --> 01:31:12,471
[audience laughs]

1700
01:31:14,005 --> 01:31:16,471
Just because somebody asks you
to do something stupid,

1701
01:31:16,538 --> 01:31:18,005
you don't have to do it.

1702
01:31:18,071 --> 01:31:19,638
Say no.

1703
01:31:23,805 --> 01:31:24,638
Uh...

1704
01:31:26,305 --> 01:31:28,705
That advice was never given
by Kevin's manager.

1705
01:31:28,771 --> 01:31:30,771
[audience laughs]

1706
01:31:40,871 --> 01:31:41,705
Uh...

1707
01:31:43,338 --> 01:31:45,705
A lot of you don't know,
but I really have a big heart.

1708
01:31:45,771 --> 01:31:46,971
I really do.

1709
01:31:47,038 --> 01:31:48,571
- I rescued...
- [audience laughs]

1710
01:31:48,638 --> 01:31:49,705
Seriously.

1711
01:31:52,271 --> 01:31:53,771
[chuckles] Come on, man. I mean...

1712
01:31:53,838 --> 01:31:55,838
[audience laughs]

1713
01:31:55,905 --> 01:31:57,905
[audience cheers and applauds]

1714
01:32:06,771 --> 01:32:10,338
I rescued a dog from the shelter,
and I rescued...

1715
01:32:10,405 --> 01:32:12,605
And I rescued Randy from the Raiders.

1716
01:32:12,671 --> 01:32:14,671
[audience laughs]

1717
01:32:18,371 --> 01:32:21,705
Listen, Randy,
I'm really sorry you didn't get a ring.

1718
01:32:22,671 --> 01:32:24,871
Not sorry enough to give you one of mine,

1719
01:32:24,938 --> 01:32:26,738
but I'm still really sorry.

1720
01:32:30,738 --> 01:32:32,705
You know,
it's great to have all the Patriots here.

1721
01:32:32,771 --> 01:32:34,538
You know,
you guys are all awesome, really.

1722
01:32:34,605 --> 01:32:37,038
- You've meant so much, uh...
- [audience cheers]

1723
01:32:41,271 --> 01:32:44,571
And Tom's the greatest of all time.
There's no question about that.

1724
01:32:44,638 --> 01:32:46,738
That's why we're all here.
Tom's fantastic.

1725
01:32:46,805 --> 01:32:48,805
[audience cheers and applauds]

1726
01:32:51,171 --> 01:32:53,205
But he played on some great teams,

1727
01:32:53,271 --> 01:32:55,105
and these great players
that played with him,

1728
01:32:55,171 --> 01:32:56,471
uh, they were great teams.

1729
01:32:56,538 --> 01:32:59,371
We accomplished a lot,
and, uh, yeah, I'm so proud to be here.

1730
01:32:59,438 --> 01:33:03,638
But you know, Danny Amendola,
up here on the stage, came with us,

1731
01:33:03,705 --> 01:33:04,571
and, uh...

1732
01:33:04,638 --> 01:33:05,838
[audience cheers]

1733
01:33:06,971 --> 01:33:11,205
Danny joined us in 2014,
got us 200 yards that year.

1734
01:33:11,271 --> 01:33:13,705
- [audience laughs]
- And then in, uh, 2016,

1735
01:33:14,238 --> 01:33:16,338
uh, he picked up another 250.

1736
01:33:16,405 --> 01:33:18,405
[audience cheers and applauds]

1737
01:33:23,571 --> 01:33:26,205
Or... Or to put it another way,

1738
01:33:26,271 --> 01:33:28,605
uh, what Randy would call
a decent first half.

1739
01:33:28,671 --> 01:33:30,671
[audience laughs]

1740
01:33:34,405 --> 01:33:36,005
Matt, I love where you are.

1741
01:33:36,071 --> 01:33:39,371
Matt Light. Matt Light protected
Tom's blind side,

1742
01:33:39,438 --> 01:33:40,838
along with Nate Solder.

1743
01:33:40,905 --> 01:33:42,171
[audience applauding]

1744
01:33:42,238 --> 01:33:43,905
Two great left tackles.

1745
01:33:46,538 --> 01:33:49,505
Blocking Dwight Freeney and all those
other guys that are in the Hall of Fame.

1746
01:33:49,571 --> 01:33:50,971
Maybe they'll get there someday too.

1747
01:33:51,038 --> 01:33:54,371
But, Matt, I love where you are,
far away from the microphone.

1748
01:33:55,038 --> 01:33:57,038
[audience laughs]

1749
01:33:57,971 --> 01:33:59,671
In all my years with the Patriots,

1750
01:33:59,738 --> 01:34:03,871
there's no player
I had to say more often to

1751
01:34:03,938 --> 01:34:06,838
shut the fuck up than Matt Light.

1752
01:34:06,905 --> 01:34:08,905
[audience cheers and applauds]

1753
01:34:14,605 --> 01:34:16,371
You know, Matt came into the league

1754
01:34:16,438 --> 01:34:18,605
and you know about his struggle
with Crohn's disease,

1755
01:34:18,671 --> 01:34:21,705
and that certainly explains all the years
why he gave me so much shit.

1756
01:34:21,771 --> 01:34:23,371
[audience laughs]

1757
01:34:29,705 --> 01:34:32,938
One man that it's always great to see,
Rodney Harrison.

1758
01:34:33,005 --> 01:34:34,071
Rodney Harrison here.

1759
01:34:34,138 --> 01:34:36,138
[audience cheers and applauds]

1760
01:34:43,971 --> 01:34:46,071
One of the greatest players
I've ever coached.

1761
01:34:46,138 --> 01:34:49,705
I mean, he's a great,
great football player, great person,

1762
01:34:49,771 --> 01:34:50,971
great competitor.

1763
01:34:51,038 --> 01:34:53,038
[audience cheers and applauds]

1764
01:34:55,105 --> 01:34:57,205
He's not in the Pro Football Hall of Fame.

1765
01:34:57,271 --> 01:34:59,271
To me, that might be
the biggest joke of the night.

1766
01:35:00,071 --> 01:35:00,938
Give it up for Rodney.

1767
01:35:01,005 --> 01:35:02,405
[audience cheers and applauds]

1768
01:35:09,638 --> 01:35:11,171
Just invite me to your induction.

1769
01:35:11,238 --> 01:35:13,238
[audience laughs]

1770
01:35:14,405 --> 01:35:15,638
Uh, believe it or not,

1771
01:35:15,705 --> 01:35:17,505
I've got a lot of nice things
to say about Tom,

1772
01:35:17,571 --> 01:35:19,405
but I'm running out of time here, uh...

1773
01:35:19,471 --> 01:35:21,138
[audience laughs]

1774
01:35:28,538 --> 01:35:30,205
Do I have a couple extra minutes?

1775
01:35:30,871 --> 01:35:31,705
Okay.

1776
01:35:31,771 --> 01:35:33,771
[audience cheers and applauds]

1777
01:35:40,338 --> 01:35:42,805
Yeah. Uh, we already talked about
the cryptocurrency.

1778
01:35:42,871 --> 01:35:44,005
I'll stay away from that one.

1779
01:35:44,071 --> 01:35:46,938
But I see your soccer team,
Birmingham City,

1780
01:35:47,005 --> 01:35:51,805
uh, got knocked down to another tier
in the English Football League.

1781
01:35:51,871 --> 01:35:55,638
So, you know, for those not
familiar with English football

1782
01:35:55,705 --> 01:35:59,005
and the intricacies
to their obscure regulation system,

1783
01:35:59,071 --> 01:36:02,105
just let me say,
I'll put it in English for you,

1784
01:36:02,171 --> 01:36:03,238
they suck.

1785
01:36:03,305 --> 01:36:04,438
[audience laughs]

1786
01:36:06,805 --> 01:36:09,771
Not so easy running a team,
is it, Tom? [chuckles]

1787
01:36:09,838 --> 01:36:11,838
[audience cheers and applauds]

1788
01:36:15,071 --> 01:36:15,905
All right.

1789
01:36:17,271 --> 01:36:18,205
All right.

1790
01:36:23,405 --> 01:36:25,838
So a little coaching advice.
Stick to American football.

1791
01:36:25,905 --> 01:36:26,971
You're really good at that.

1792
01:36:27,405 --> 01:36:28,838
[audience laughs]

1793
01:36:31,005 --> 01:36:34,338
You know, people have said that
Tom and I have butted heads a lot,

1794
01:36:34,405 --> 01:36:37,938
and in a way,
that was true, but not really.

1795
01:36:38,005 --> 01:36:39,538
It was hard to butt heads with Tom

1796
01:36:39,605 --> 01:36:41,805
because he was so far
up Alex Guerrero's ass.

1797
01:36:41,871 --> 01:36:43,105
[audience laughs]

1798
01:36:49,738 --> 01:36:50,571
His ass.

1799
01:36:56,738 --> 01:36:59,438
You know, Tom,
you had so many clutch moments,

1800
01:36:59,505 --> 01:37:04,638
so many big plays, uh,
so many just unbelievable, you know, plays

1801
01:37:04,705 --> 01:37:06,338
that will live on forever.

1802
01:37:06,405 --> 01:37:09,938
Uh, I remember the pass
that you threw to Amendola

1803
01:37:10,005 --> 01:37:12,171
uh, when we beat Baltimore
in the playoffs in '14.

1804
01:37:12,238 --> 01:37:13,738
- [audience cheers]
- No.

1805
01:37:15,338 --> 01:37:17,738
No, that was Julian that threw
that pass to Amendola.

1806
01:37:17,805 --> 01:37:19,805
[audience laughs]

1807
01:37:22,838 --> 01:37:23,971
- [Julian] Thanks, coach!
- Uh...

1808
01:37:25,671 --> 01:37:28,538
There was the pass you threw to Dorsett
when we beat the Eagles.

1809
01:37:28,605 --> 01:37:30,671
Kevin, you remember that one, in 2019.

1810
01:37:30,738 --> 01:37:33,771
No. No, Julian,
you threw that one too. Oh.

1811
01:37:33,838 --> 01:37:36,438
[audience laughs and applauds]

1812
01:37:36,505 --> 01:37:37,371
That's my coach!

1813
01:37:38,838 --> 01:37:40,638
I'm happy for him.

1814
01:37:42,605 --> 01:37:44,871
Tom threw a lot of touchdown passes,
I can't remember them,

1815
01:37:44,938 --> 01:37:46,405
but he threw a bunch of them.

1816
01:37:46,471 --> 01:37:48,338
[audience laughs]

1817
01:37:49,671 --> 01:37:52,505
You know, seriously,
Tom and I had our differences,

1818
01:37:52,571 --> 01:37:55,705
but, you know, it only comes to love
and respect about our relationship,

1819
01:37:55,771 --> 01:37:58,071
and we did some special things together.

1820
01:37:58,705 --> 01:38:00,405
- Uh...
- [audience cheers and applauds]

1821
01:38:06,405 --> 01:38:10,138
You know, for all of you out there
that think about who's responsible

1822
01:38:10,205 --> 01:38:14,238
for the Patriots' success during the time
when Tom and I were there...

1823
01:38:14,305 --> 01:38:16,838
Was it Brady? Was it me?
Was it Brady? Was it me?

1824
01:38:16,905 --> 01:38:19,405
In reality, the truth of the matter is,

1825
01:38:19,471 --> 01:38:20,671
it was both of us

1826
01:38:20,738 --> 01:38:21,771
because of me.

1827
01:38:21,838 --> 01:38:24,671
[audience laughs]

1828
01:38:30,105 --> 01:38:30,971
Uh...

1829
01:38:33,705 --> 01:38:35,238
Great event, Netflix.

1830
01:38:35,305 --> 01:38:37,671
Great night to be here.
Thank you very much.

1831
01:38:37,738 --> 01:38:38,571
Love you.

1832
01:38:38,638 --> 01:38:40,571
Tom, Patriots, love you guys.

1833
01:38:41,105 --> 01:38:41,938
Thank you.

1834
01:38:44,471 --> 01:38:45,971
[inaudible dialogue]

1835
01:38:52,138 --> 01:38:53,138
Wow.

1836
01:38:54,805 --> 01:38:56,638
Who would have fucking thought?

1837
01:38:58,405 --> 01:38:59,638
Who would have thought?

1838
01:39:00,238 --> 01:39:03,738
Goddamn, coach came up here
and set the road straight.

1839
01:39:04,938 --> 01:39:06,438
I can't even trash him.

1840
01:39:06,505 --> 01:39:09,271
I had stuff ready to trash him,
but after that, I can't.

1841
01:39:09,671 --> 01:39:12,438
I don't feel comfortable
trashing the coach after that.

1842
01:39:12,971 --> 01:39:14,938
I'm actually gonna say
something a little heartfelt.

1843
01:39:15,005 --> 01:39:16,805
Coach, you should hear this.

1844
01:39:16,871 --> 01:39:20,138
Uh, I like the fact that
you actually had the balls

1845
01:39:20,205 --> 01:39:22,138
to come out here,
and do the fucking roast,

1846
01:39:22,205 --> 01:39:24,305
and talk shit with Tom, coach.

1847
01:39:24,371 --> 01:39:25,371
[audience cheers]

1848
01:39:25,438 --> 01:39:26,271
All right.

1849
01:39:28,938 --> 01:39:31,838
Just for a quick second
before we go and continue the show,

1850
01:39:31,905 --> 01:39:34,005
to tell you guys why I think it's so dope.

1851
01:39:34,071 --> 01:39:35,405
'Cause you cut the middle man out.

1852
01:39:35,471 --> 01:39:37,438
And the middle man is the hypothetical.

1853
01:39:37,505 --> 01:39:39,005
The middle man is the assumption.

1854
01:39:39,071 --> 01:39:41,505
Everybody has an assumption
about the relationship of.

1855
01:39:41,571 --> 01:39:43,271
And the dope thing is, ultimately,

1856
01:39:43,338 --> 01:39:45,238
when you see the relationship
support one another

1857
01:39:45,305 --> 01:39:48,038
and have fun with one another,
that's what the relationship is.

1858
01:39:48,105 --> 01:39:49,871
- What I'm saying is...
- [audience cheers]

1859
01:39:49,938 --> 01:39:51,238
What I'm saying to the world is,

1860
01:39:51,305 --> 01:39:53,438
mind your fucking business. All right?

1861
01:39:53,505 --> 01:39:55,305
Mind your fucking business.

1862
01:39:56,138 --> 01:39:57,105
Coach, good shit.

1863
01:39:57,171 --> 01:39:59,938
Way to come out and be supportive tonight,

1864
01:40:00,005 --> 01:40:02,171
and back goddamn Tom Brady.

1865
01:40:02,238 --> 01:40:03,238
Holy shit.

1866
01:40:03,305 --> 01:40:04,605
[audience cheers]

1867
01:40:04,671 --> 01:40:05,538
I love it.

1868
01:40:07,138 --> 01:40:09,938
Goddamn, coach.
I had some good ones for you, too.

1869
01:40:10,705 --> 01:40:12,571
I had... Can I just tell you one of them?

1870
01:40:12,638 --> 01:40:14,538
I was like...
Okay, can I just tell you one?

1871
01:40:14,605 --> 01:40:16,871
I'm not gonna do them,
but I feel like if I'm saying,

1872
01:40:16,938 --> 01:40:18,605
like, let me tell you one,
that's different.

1873
01:40:18,671 --> 01:40:21,438
I was going to call you Captain Smiles
'cause I never see you smile.

1874
01:40:21,505 --> 01:40:23,371
I was like, "Oh, he's just always angry."

1875
01:40:23,438 --> 01:40:26,738
People call him a piece of shit, but
I feel like saying "a piece" isn't fair.

1876
01:40:26,805 --> 01:40:29,505
'Cause he's a lot of shit,
like a bunch of pieces.

1877
01:40:29,571 --> 01:40:32,405
Like, that was one of them,
like just a pile of shit.

1878
01:40:32,471 --> 01:40:34,838
All right, forget it, coach.
I think I'm blowing it. Fuck it.

1879
01:40:34,905 --> 01:40:36,338
No, coach, don't do that!

1880
01:40:36,405 --> 01:40:38,571
Don't throw a fucking flag on me!
Don't do that.

1881
01:40:38,638 --> 01:40:40,905
Okay, all right. I'm still on your side.

1882
01:40:40,971 --> 01:40:43,671
I'm on your side. I'm on your side.

1883
01:40:44,171 --> 01:40:45,971
Uh, Bill, I gotta be honest.

1884
01:40:46,038 --> 01:40:49,605
I really was a little touched
just at the fact that you came out.

1885
01:40:49,671 --> 01:40:51,705
I am dead serious right now.

1886
01:40:51,771 --> 01:40:56,171
That was a very gentleman-like
move on your behalf.

1887
01:40:56,238 --> 01:40:58,238
Tom, you better fucking appreciate that

1888
01:40:58,305 --> 01:41:00,971
- and tell him about it later, all right?
- Absolutely.

1889
01:41:01,371 --> 01:41:02,805
God, what a night. What a night!

1890
01:41:02,871 --> 01:41:04,438
Are you guys having a good time? I am.

1891
01:41:04,505 --> 01:41:05,805
Are we having a good time?

1892
01:41:05,871 --> 01:41:06,738
[audience cheers]

1893
01:41:06,805 --> 01:41:07,938
Yes?

1894
01:41:08,005 --> 01:41:10,405
At home, I hope you are too, man.

1895
01:41:10,471 --> 01:41:13,238
The fact that this is a live event
on Netflix is insane.

1896
01:41:13,305 --> 01:41:14,838
The first of its kind.

1897
01:41:14,905 --> 01:41:16,838
There will not be the last.

1898
01:41:16,905 --> 01:41:19,205
I think we're gonna do more
because it's just going so well.

1899
01:41:19,271 --> 01:41:20,771
Let's keep the goddamn train rolling.

1900
01:41:20,838 --> 01:41:24,305
Guys, your next roaster
is in love with Tom Brady,

1901
01:41:24,371 --> 01:41:25,371
and I do mean that.

1902
01:41:25,438 --> 01:41:26,705
Those aren't my words.

1903
01:41:26,771 --> 01:41:29,838
Uh, that's what he wrote
on a mirror in his dressing room.

1904
01:41:29,905 --> 01:41:32,271
Uh, he might actually pop
the question tonight,

1905
01:41:32,338 --> 01:41:34,405
or he might pop his man-pussy.

1906
01:41:34,471 --> 01:41:37,005
Please make some noise for Julian Edelman.

1907
01:41:37,071 --> 01:41:38,138
Come on, Julian.

1908
01:41:38,205 --> 01:41:40,271
- [audience cheers]
- [hype music plays]

1909
01:41:43,538 --> 01:41:44,871
[inaudible dialogue]

1910
01:41:53,738 --> 01:41:55,005
{\an8}[hype music fades]

1911
01:41:55,538 --> 01:41:57,671
{\an8}What a night. What a night.

1912
01:41:57,738 --> 01:41:59,738
{\an8}[audience cheers and applauds]

1913
01:42:01,171 --> 01:42:04,238
There are so many
legendary Patriots here tonight.

1914
01:42:04,305 --> 01:42:06,371
[audience cheers]

1915
01:42:07,005 --> 01:42:09,938
I figured the next time I'd see you all
would be at Kraft's funeral.

1916
01:42:11,771 --> 01:42:12,805
Sorry, Mr. Kraft.

1917
01:42:12,871 --> 01:42:14,538
[audience groans and laughs]

1918
01:42:17,738 --> 01:42:20,305
Now let's give it up
for our host, Kevin Hart.

1919
01:42:21,071 --> 01:42:23,171
- [audience cheers and applauds]
- Thank you, Jules.

1920
01:42:25,371 --> 01:42:28,871
I know everyone's gonna make
short jokes about you tonight,

1921
01:42:28,938 --> 01:42:29,838
but not me.

1922
01:42:30,338 --> 01:42:32,238
I'm gonna make Black jokes.

1923
01:42:32,305 --> 01:42:33,571
[audience laughs]

1924
01:42:33,638 --> 01:42:35,038
Wha... What?

1925
01:42:36,371 --> 01:42:39,438
Kevin, you are so Black...

1926
01:42:41,038 --> 01:42:44,138
that when I saw you,
I thought you were Bert Kreischer's liver.

1927
01:42:44,838 --> 01:42:46,838
[audience laughs]

1928
01:42:47,805 --> 01:42:50,338
And Bert Kreischer's liver is so black,

1929
01:42:51,105 --> 01:42:54,871
it just did four hours
on the Shannon Sharpe podcast.

1930
01:42:57,271 --> 01:42:58,471
[Julian chuckles]

1931
01:43:02,338 --> 01:43:04,571
Jeff Ross is here.

1932
01:43:04,638 --> 01:43:06,838
[audience cheers and applauds]

1933
01:43:07,338 --> 01:43:08,371
What's up, Jeff?

1934
01:43:09,205 --> 01:43:11,505
Fun fact, Jeff and I are both Jewish.

1935
01:43:12,138 --> 01:43:14,138
[audience cheers]

1936
01:43:15,571 --> 01:43:18,838
The difference is, I'm the kind of Jew
that people look at and go:

1937
01:43:18,905 --> 01:43:20,905
"Oh, he's Jewish?"

1938
01:43:20,971 --> 01:43:22,971
[audience laughs]

1939
01:43:28,438 --> 01:43:33,105
And Jeff's the kind of Jew
that makes you wanna join Hamas.

1940
01:43:34,038 --> 01:43:36,238
[audience laughs and groans]

1941
01:43:39,338 --> 01:43:41,005
[Julian laughs]

1942
01:43:41,071 --> 01:43:43,205
[White] Let's go, Julian! Yeah!

1943
01:43:43,271 --> 01:43:44,471
Gronk's here.

1944
01:43:45,138 --> 01:43:47,405
[audience cheers]

1945
01:43:48,538 --> 01:43:49,938
I don't really have a joke.

1946
01:43:50,005 --> 01:43:51,705
I just wanna make sure that he knows.

1947
01:43:52,371 --> 01:43:55,071
Gronk, you're gonna kill it, bubs.
You're gonna kill it.

1948
01:43:55,138 --> 01:43:57,505
I'm so proud of you, bubs.
So proud of you.

1949
01:44:00,005 --> 01:44:05,705
Now, everyone always asks me
how big Gronk's dick is.

1950
01:44:05,771 --> 01:44:08,671
[audience laughs and applauds]

1951
01:44:08,738 --> 01:44:11,105
Now, don't get me wrong,
it gets the job done.

1952
01:44:11,171 --> 01:44:13,605
[audience laughs]

1953
01:44:13,671 --> 01:44:16,505
But there was this
other Patriot's tight end.

1954
01:44:18,105 --> 01:44:19,438
Now, he was hung.

1955
01:44:20,071 --> 01:44:22,605
[audience groans and applauds]

1956
01:44:23,205 --> 01:44:24,771
Think about it, think about it.

1957
01:44:27,171 --> 01:44:28,938
[Julian laughs]

1958
01:44:30,405 --> 01:44:32,938
Coach Belichick's here.

1959
01:44:33,971 --> 01:44:35,105
Oh, coach.

1960
01:44:35,971 --> 01:44:38,505
You barrel-chested son of a bitch.

1961
01:44:38,571 --> 01:44:40,205
[audience laughs]

1962
01:44:40,271 --> 01:44:43,671
You remember when you used
to yell at us, "Look, assholes.

1963
01:44:43,738 --> 01:44:47,871
The fucking kids down at Foxborough High
can make that fucking play"?

1964
01:44:47,938 --> 01:44:50,738
[audience laughs]

1965
01:44:50,805 --> 01:44:53,471
I've been waiting for this for so long.

1966
01:44:53,538 --> 01:44:55,538
[audience laughs]

1967
01:44:57,405 --> 01:45:01,605
Look, asshole, Foxborough High
is the only job offer you fucking had!

1968
01:45:02,238 --> 01:45:04,238
[audience laughs and applauds]

1969
01:45:17,971 --> 01:45:19,438
"Do your job"?

1970
01:45:19,971 --> 01:45:21,905
More like "need a job", coach.

1971
01:45:21,971 --> 01:45:23,871
[audience laughs]

1972
01:45:23,938 --> 01:45:26,138
Now we get to Tom.

1973
01:45:26,205 --> 01:45:28,205
Look at you, you handsome devil.

1974
01:45:29,438 --> 01:45:33,938
TB12, Tampa Bay Brady, the GOAT.

1975
01:45:35,671 --> 01:45:37,338
Or as I like to call him,

1976
01:45:37,405 --> 01:45:40,138
Leonardo DiCaprio's
ex-girlfriend's ex-husband.

1977
01:45:40,205 --> 01:45:42,205
[audience laughs]

1978
01:45:46,538 --> 01:45:48,905
When we played together, Tom,
you used to scream:

1979
01:45:48,971 --> 01:45:52,838
[high-pitched voice]
"Laser focus! Laser focus!"

1980
01:45:52,905 --> 01:45:54,905
[audience laughs]

1981
01:46:00,771 --> 01:46:04,371
[normal voice] Now that's what he screams
at his plastic surgeon.

1982
01:46:04,971 --> 01:46:06,805
[audience laughs]

1983
01:46:06,871 --> 01:46:08,871
Who's laughing now, Tom?

1984
01:46:09,471 --> 01:46:13,371
Not you, because your face can't move
and you don't have a sense of humor.

1985
01:46:13,438 --> 01:46:15,438
[audience laughs and applauds]

1986
01:46:21,971 --> 01:46:24,805
Now, when I got to New England,

1987
01:46:24,871 --> 01:46:27,838
you were already Tom motherfucking Brady.

1988
01:46:27,905 --> 01:46:30,271
[audience cheers]

1989
01:46:30,338 --> 01:46:32,138
Three Super Bowls,

1990
01:46:32,205 --> 01:46:34,205
married to a supermodel.

1991
01:46:34,271 --> 01:46:37,238
I wanted to be like you so bad, bro,

1992
01:46:38,205 --> 01:46:41,371
that when your wife left, I thought about
getting rid of my beard too.

1993
01:46:41,438 --> 01:46:43,871
[audience laughs]

1994
01:46:43,938 --> 01:46:46,038
You're gay. You're gay.

1995
01:46:46,105 --> 01:46:47,171
[stutters]

1996
01:46:49,538 --> 01:46:50,371
But, hey.

1997
01:46:51,605 --> 01:46:53,438
But I don't wanna talk about your wife.

1998
01:46:54,305 --> 01:46:55,771
He's actually here.

1999
01:46:55,838 --> 01:46:57,538
Alex Guerrero, everyone!

2000
01:46:57,605 --> 01:46:59,605
[audience laughs and applauds]

2001
01:47:02,771 --> 01:47:05,938
For those of you who don't know,
Alex is the snake oil salesman

2002
01:47:06,005 --> 01:47:09,238
who transformed Tom
into a total fucking weirdo.

2003
01:47:09,305 --> 01:47:10,671
[audience laughs]

2004
01:47:14,971 --> 01:47:15,938
Now...

2005
01:47:17,738 --> 01:47:19,305
He's weird. He's fucking weird.

2006
01:47:21,238 --> 01:47:26,638
I know there's gonna be a lot of jokes
about me being gay for Tom.

2007
01:47:28,138 --> 01:47:30,171
Well, let me set the record straight.

2008
01:47:31,371 --> 01:47:33,671
Those balls weren't gonna
deflate themselves.

2009
01:47:33,738 --> 01:47:35,105
[audience laughs]

2010
01:47:36,605 --> 01:47:39,238
That TB12 method works.

2011
01:47:39,305 --> 01:47:41,471
Lots of pineapples in those smoothies.

2012
01:47:41,538 --> 01:47:42,871
[audience laughs]

2013
01:47:42,938 --> 01:47:45,638
Sweet cum, sweet cum,
if you didn't know that.

2014
01:47:45,705 --> 01:47:46,605
[audience laughs]

2015
01:47:51,171 --> 01:47:52,238
Honestly,

2016
01:47:53,571 --> 01:47:55,805
the only reason I came here tonight

2017
01:47:57,571 --> 01:48:00,471
was, will you come
on my fucking podcast already, bro?

2018
01:48:01,071 --> 01:48:03,105
I have Peyton Manning.
I've had everyone else.

2019
01:48:03,171 --> 01:48:04,705
I had Eli Manning.

2020
01:48:06,405 --> 01:48:09,938
No, but Tom, you're my brother.
I owe you everything.

2021
01:48:10,405 --> 01:48:12,638
You let me into your inner circle, bro,

2022
01:48:12,705 --> 01:48:15,738
and you showed me
what it meant to be a professional.

2023
01:48:16,171 --> 01:48:18,438
And I'd do anything for you, bubs.
I love you.

2024
01:48:18,505 --> 01:48:20,005
You're a great sport for doing this.

2025
01:48:20,071 --> 01:48:21,371
And who are we kidding?

2026
01:48:21,438 --> 01:48:23,805
This is Tom motherfucking Brady.

2027
01:48:23,871 --> 01:48:25,371
[audience cheers and applauds]

2028
01:48:25,438 --> 01:48:29,138
That's what I'm talking about, Julian!
That's what I'm talking about!

2029
01:48:32,505 --> 01:48:35,071
Just remember, these are jokes, Tom.
These are all jokes.

2030
01:48:35,138 --> 01:48:37,005
Because you're my gravy train.

2031
01:48:37,071 --> 01:48:39,405
I love you, bubs. Let's go!

2032
01:48:39,471 --> 01:48:40,938
[audience cheers and applauds]

2033
01:48:51,838 --> 01:48:54,371
White boy-ing at its finest.

2034
01:48:54,438 --> 01:48:56,371
[audience laughs]

2035
01:48:56,438 --> 01:48:59,138
Boy, them white boys
love to play with the dick jokes.

2036
01:48:59,205 --> 01:49:00,705
I don't know what it is.

2037
01:49:01,938 --> 01:49:06,038
I don't know what the fuck it is
about the cultural separation.

2038
01:49:06,738 --> 01:49:09,371
Willie, you was in that locker room.

2039
01:49:09,438 --> 01:49:12,005
- How many dick jokes flew your way?
- [McGinest] I'm in trouble.

2040
01:49:12,071 --> 01:49:14,705
How many dick jokes flew your way, Willie?

2041
01:49:14,771 --> 01:49:16,438
I bet not one. I bet you said:

2042
01:49:16,505 --> 01:49:18,971
"Motherfucker, nigga, I'll kill you
if you say shit like that."

2043
01:49:19,038 --> 01:49:21,305
[audience laughs]

2044
01:49:21,371 --> 01:49:25,005
Julian just made a joke
about draining Tom's balls.

2045
01:49:25,071 --> 01:49:26,338
[audience laughs]

2046
01:49:26,405 --> 01:49:28,105
Tom was like, "Yeah!"

2047
01:49:28,171 --> 01:49:29,171
No!

2048
01:49:30,505 --> 01:49:31,505
It's fucking...

2049
01:49:31,571 --> 01:49:33,405
This is live on Netflix.

2050
01:49:33,471 --> 01:49:36,771
It's like, millions of people watching.

2051
01:49:36,838 --> 01:49:38,805
Two white boys. "Your dick, my dick."

2052
01:49:38,871 --> 01:49:42,105
"My balls, your balls."
What the fuck is happening?

2053
01:49:43,638 --> 01:49:45,071
It's live television.

2054
01:49:45,138 --> 01:49:47,271
No, Julian! No!

2055
01:49:48,438 --> 01:49:52,005
Tom, you're supposed to tackle
that motherfucker right here.

2056
01:49:52,071 --> 01:49:54,005
The only person to celebrate was Jeff.

2057
01:49:54,071 --> 01:49:56,838
"I'll... I'll... I'll do it too,
if you want me to."

2058
01:49:57,705 --> 01:49:59,571
Jeff, Sam Jay said something earlier,

2059
01:49:59,638 --> 01:50:01,405
and I've been thinking about it since.

2060
01:50:01,471 --> 01:50:04,238
She started talking about her dildo.
She was like, "Oh, my God."

2061
01:50:04,305 --> 01:50:05,971
Like, "Yeah, what my dildo
would look like."

2062
01:50:06,038 --> 01:50:09,371
I was like, "I bet her dildo
looks like Jeff Ross."

2063
01:50:09,438 --> 01:50:11,171
I bet.

2064
01:50:11,238 --> 01:50:12,938
A little fucking white dick.

2065
01:50:13,005 --> 01:50:15,971
Sam, if you got a white dick, I'll
never talk to you again, I swear to God.

2066
01:50:17,005 --> 01:50:18,838
All right, guys, uh...

2067
01:50:18,905 --> 01:50:21,671
This roast honestly is going so well.

2068
01:50:21,738 --> 01:50:24,638
It's going so good, so good...

2069
01:50:24,705 --> 01:50:25,671
[audience cheers]

2070
01:50:25,738 --> 01:50:28,205
...not just because of the performances,

2071
01:50:28,271 --> 01:50:30,505
which have been amazing,
but because of our live audience.

2072
01:50:30,571 --> 01:50:32,171
You guys have been amazing, man.

2073
01:50:32,238 --> 01:50:34,005
Make some noise for yourselves right now.

2074
01:50:34,071 --> 01:50:36,505
[audience cheers and applauds]

2075
01:50:36,571 --> 01:50:38,538
I need to know my live audience
is still with me.

2076
01:50:38,605 --> 01:50:41,905
We can do better than that.
Make some goddamn noise!

2077
01:50:41,971 --> 01:50:43,105
[audience cheers]

2078
01:50:43,171 --> 01:50:44,538
Yes.

2079
01:50:44,605 --> 01:50:47,571
All right, next up is the host

2080
01:50:47,638 --> 01:50:50,138
of the number one live podcast
in the world.

2081
01:50:50,205 --> 01:50:52,805
He's sitting in the audience
because he's so hated

2082
01:50:52,871 --> 01:50:54,405
that we made him buy a ticket.

2083
01:50:54,471 --> 01:50:58,871
Give it up for the host of <i>Kill Tony,</i>
Tony Hinchcliffe. Let's go, Tony.

2084
01:50:58,938 --> 01:51:00,938
- [audience cheers]
- [hip-hop music plays]

2085
01:51:02,338 --> 01:51:03,505
[Hinchcliffe] Fuck yeah.

2086
01:51:04,771 --> 01:51:05,671
{\an8}[hip-hop music fades]

2087
01:51:05,738 --> 01:51:09,971
{\an8}Howdy, y'all. We are here
with a special episode of <i>Kill Tony:</i>

2088
01:51:10,038 --> 01:51:11,538
{\an8}<i>Kill Tommy.</i>

2089
01:51:11,605 --> 01:51:13,038
{\an8}You guys know how it works.

2090
01:51:13,105 --> 01:51:15,205
{\an8}I got a bucket here.
If I pull someone's name out,

2091
01:51:15,271 --> 01:51:17,571
{\an8}they get 60 seconds, uninterrupted.

2092
01:51:17,638 --> 01:51:20,005
{\an8}You know their time is up
when you hear the sound of a kitty.

2093
01:51:20,071 --> 01:51:20,938
{\an8}[cat meows]

2094
01:51:21,005 --> 01:51:22,771
{\an8}That means they have to wrap it up then.

2095
01:51:22,838 --> 01:51:25,471
{\an8}So here we go.

2096
01:51:25,538 --> 01:51:27,205
{\an8}And I've pulled out... Oh, wow, look.

2097
01:51:27,271 --> 01:51:28,638
{\an8}It's Dana White, everybody.

2098
01:51:28,705 --> 01:51:31,238
{\an8}Make some noise for the great Dana White.

2099
01:51:31,305 --> 01:51:35,371
{\an8}Sixty seconds, interrupted,
for Dana White.

2100
01:51:35,438 --> 01:51:37,671
{\an8}The President of the UFC.

2101
01:51:37,738 --> 01:51:38,738
{\an8}[audience cheers]

2102
01:51:39,238 --> 01:51:40,171
{\an8}Thank you.

2103
01:51:41,805 --> 01:51:43,171
{\an8}This is not my thing,

2104
01:51:43,238 --> 01:51:46,005
{\an8}so I'm gonna keep this short,
like Gronk's bus.

2105
01:51:46,538 --> 01:51:47,671
{\an8}[audience laughs]

2106
01:51:47,738 --> 01:51:49,838
{\an8}Actually...
Let me get into this real quick.

2107
01:51:49,905 --> 01:51:50,771
{\an8}It pisses me off.

2108
01:51:50,838 --> 01:51:55,171
{\an8}I flew all the way out here,
and you guys give me 60 seconds?

2109
01:51:55,238 --> 01:51:57,405
{\an8}My name is Dana.

2110
01:51:57,471 --> 01:52:00,438
{\an8}Is that not trans enough
for you liberal fucks?

2111
01:52:00,505 --> 01:52:03,071
{\an8}[audience laughs]

2112
01:52:03,138 --> 01:52:04,271
{\an8}No?

2113
01:52:05,905 --> 01:52:10,705
{\an8}All right. Tom, you played
for the Patriots for so long,

2114
01:52:10,771 --> 01:52:14,005
{\an8}that I was actually starting
to feel like you were from Boston.

2115
01:52:14,071 --> 01:52:15,005
{\an8}Then I saw you running,

2116
01:52:15,071 --> 01:52:17,705
{\an8}I was like, "No, he's definitely
from San Francisco."

2117
01:52:17,771 --> 01:52:19,771
{\an8}[audience laughs]

2118
01:52:21,071 --> 01:52:22,105
{\an8}[Dana chuckles]

2119
01:52:24,738 --> 01:52:27,338
{\an8}You led the league
for 20 years in passing.

2120
01:52:27,405 --> 01:52:28,571
{\an8}As a straight guy.

2121
01:52:28,638 --> 01:52:30,538
{\an8}[audience laughs]

2122
01:52:30,605 --> 01:52:31,738
{\an8}Come on.

2123
01:52:33,105 --> 01:52:34,205
{\an8}That was a good one.

2124
01:52:35,438 --> 01:52:39,438
{\an8}Hey, I got two of the baddest dudes
in the world here right now.

2125
01:52:39,505 --> 01:52:41,138
{\an8}Sugar Sean O'Malley,

2126
01:52:42,238 --> 01:52:43,605
{\an8}and Max Holloway.

2127
01:52:43,671 --> 01:52:45,671
{\an8}[audience cheers and applauds]

2128
01:52:47,538 --> 01:52:50,705
{\an8}Tom, you would have been a great fighter.

2129
01:52:50,771 --> 01:52:53,471
{\an8}You're already the master
of the ground and pound.

2130
01:52:53,538 --> 01:52:57,405
{\an8}That's what you call "coffee dates"
with your boyfriend, Alex Guerrero.

2131
01:52:57,471 --> 01:52:59,638
{\an8}- [audience laughs]
- [cat meows]

2132
01:53:00,371 --> 01:53:01,605
{\an8}One more thing.

2133
01:53:01,671 --> 01:53:03,505
{\an8}You people probably don't know this,

2134
01:53:03,571 --> 01:53:07,238
{\an8}but Jeff Ross
was very interested in the UFC.

2135
01:53:07,305 --> 01:53:10,171
{\an8}He thought it meant
"Unlimited Fried Chicken."

2136
01:53:10,238 --> 01:53:11,638
{\an8}[audience laughs]

2137
01:53:11,705 --> 01:53:12,971
{\an8}I love you, Tom.

2138
01:53:13,038 --> 01:53:15,138
{\an8}Dana White, ladies and gentlemen.

2139
01:53:15,205 --> 01:53:16,771
{\an8}Great job, Dana.

2140
01:53:17,505 --> 01:53:19,071
A lot of you might not know this,

2141
01:53:19,138 --> 01:53:23,305
but Dana is the millionaire founder
of the UFC,

2142
01:53:23,371 --> 01:53:26,605
and he's also a degenerate gambler, so...

2143
01:53:26,671 --> 01:53:28,905
That's fucking awesome, Dana.

2144
01:53:30,305 --> 01:53:33,905
Hey, Tom. This is great.
Nice shoes, bitch.

2145
01:53:33,971 --> 01:53:35,771
Did you win those in the divorce?

2146
01:53:35,838 --> 01:53:37,838
[audience laughs]

2147
01:53:37,905 --> 01:53:39,738
[Hinchcliffe laughs]

2148
01:53:39,805 --> 01:53:43,071
I love it. This is a fucking
stellar dais we have up here.

2149
01:53:43,138 --> 01:53:45,971
Randy Moss, I was upset
that Bill Belichick said

2150
01:53:46,038 --> 01:53:47,238
he wouldn't give you a ring.

2151
01:53:47,305 --> 01:53:50,405
You know what else doesn't have a ring?
Bill Belichick's phone.

2152
01:53:50,471 --> 01:53:52,171
[audience laughs]

2153
01:53:52,238 --> 01:53:55,438
Everyone's up here talking
about what a big winner Tom is.

2154
01:53:55,505 --> 01:53:58,771
But let me tell you,
Tom is afraid of the Giants,

2155
01:53:58,838 --> 01:54:01,371
which is why Kevin Hart
is hosting tonight.

2156
01:54:01,438 --> 01:54:03,171
[audience laughs]

2157
01:54:03,238 --> 01:54:04,705
It's true.

2158
01:54:04,771 --> 01:54:07,238
All night, he's been using the stool

2159
01:54:07,305 --> 01:54:10,338
that Aaron Hernandez kicked out
from under himself.

2160
01:54:10,405 --> 01:54:11,871
[audience groans]

2161
01:54:11,938 --> 01:54:14,338
Yeah. It's true.

2162
01:54:14,405 --> 01:54:15,405
Kevin is so small

2163
01:54:15,471 --> 01:54:19,338
that when his ancestors picked cotton,
they called it deadlifting.

2164
01:54:19,405 --> 01:54:20,805
[audience laughs]

2165
01:54:24,505 --> 01:54:26,805
So many great quarterbacks up here.

2166
01:54:26,871 --> 01:54:30,205
You know who doesn't pass?
Kevin Hart on any movie he's offered.

2167
01:54:30,271 --> 01:54:31,771
[audience laughs]

2168
01:54:31,838 --> 01:54:33,438
But we are here for Tom.

2169
01:54:33,505 --> 01:54:36,438
Tom Brady is a Patriot,
which is surprising,

2170
01:54:36,505 --> 01:54:39,305
considering he looks like
a Confederate fag.

2171
01:54:39,938 --> 01:54:42,105
[audience laughs]

2172
01:54:42,171 --> 01:54:46,505
Tom Brady, why do you look like
a gay Tom Brady?

2173
01:54:46,571 --> 01:54:49,005
[audience laughs]

2174
01:54:49,071 --> 01:54:50,971
Clearly, your ex-wife takes after you.

2175
01:54:51,038 --> 01:54:53,938
I hear she's out there
draining balls right now.

2176
01:54:55,005 --> 01:54:56,205
People love you, Tom.

2177
01:54:56,271 --> 01:54:58,938
You have the same fan base
as Kyle Rittenhouse.

2178
01:54:59,005 --> 01:55:01,238
[audience laughs]

2179
01:55:01,305 --> 01:55:04,605
Gronk, I'm happy you could take a break
from writing Santa letters

2180
01:55:04,671 --> 01:55:05,938
to be here today.

2181
01:55:06,005 --> 01:55:08,005
[audience laughs]

2182
01:55:11,271 --> 01:55:15,071
I knew you were here when we were all
out of chocolate milk backstage.

2183
01:55:15,138 --> 01:55:16,038
[audience laughs]

2184
01:55:16,105 --> 01:55:18,871
By the way, that's Kevin Hart
sitting next to you.

2185
01:55:18,938 --> 01:55:20,671
That's not your shadow.

2186
01:55:20,738 --> 01:55:22,738
[audience laughs]

2187
01:55:22,805 --> 01:55:27,071
Gronk, you look like the Nazi
that kept burning himself on the ovens.

2188
01:55:27,605 --> 01:55:31,371
You look like the final boss
in <i>George Floyd the Video Game.</i>

2189
01:55:31,438 --> 01:55:33,005
[audience groans and laughs]

2190
01:55:33,071 --> 01:55:36,371
Ah, the great Jeff Ross,
ladies and gentlemen.

2191
01:55:36,805 --> 01:55:40,871
Jeff is so Jewish, he only
watches football for the coin toss.

2192
01:55:40,938 --> 01:55:42,938
[audience laughs]

2193
01:55:45,171 --> 01:55:48,571
And of course,
throwing long bombs at brown people.

2194
01:55:49,871 --> 01:55:52,105
[chuckles]

2195
01:55:52,171 --> 01:55:55,571
Nikki Glaser.
What a performance tonight, am I right?

2196
01:55:55,638 --> 01:55:57,871
[audience cheers]

2197
01:55:58,505 --> 01:56:00,438
Absolutely killer set.

2198
01:56:00,505 --> 01:56:01,638
Nikki, who wrote that?

2199
01:56:01,705 --> 01:56:03,905
Where was that your entire career?

2200
01:56:03,971 --> 01:56:05,371
[audience laughs]

2201
01:56:05,438 --> 01:56:07,271
Nikki has such a bad eating disorder,

2202
01:56:07,338 --> 01:56:10,138
the industry keeps shoving her
down our throat.

2203
01:56:10,205 --> 01:56:11,405
[audience laughs]

2204
01:56:11,471 --> 01:56:13,905
You might recognize her
from her podcast appearances,

2205
01:56:13,971 --> 01:56:17,105
specials, and winning
the Triple Crown at Churchill Downs.

2206
01:56:17,171 --> 01:56:20,305
You might recognize Kevin
as the jockey that rode her.

2207
01:56:21,038 --> 01:56:23,005
And that's Churchill Downs the racetrack,

2208
01:56:23,071 --> 01:56:24,938
not to be confused
with what Jeff Ross looks like

2209
01:56:25,005 --> 01:56:26,605
when he smokes a cigar.

2210
01:56:26,671 --> 01:56:27,638
[audience laughs]

2211
01:56:27,705 --> 01:56:29,705
Sam Jay, everybody.

2212
01:56:29,771 --> 01:56:30,805
Killed.

2213
01:56:31,338 --> 01:56:33,771
An obese African American lesbian.

2214
01:56:33,838 --> 01:56:37,305
So by having her,
Netflix checked off a lot of boxes.

2215
01:56:37,371 --> 01:56:38,438
[audience laughs]

2216
01:56:38,505 --> 01:56:39,338
Yeah.

2217
01:56:39,971 --> 01:56:44,238
She is a Black lesbo,
which means she doesn't eat pussy,

2218
01:56:44,305 --> 01:56:47,471
she "aw, hell, gnaws" on it.

2219
01:56:48,171 --> 01:56:50,171
[audience laughs]

2220
01:56:54,238 --> 01:56:56,705
Earthquake's on his feet, I'm killing.

2221
01:56:58,271 --> 01:57:00,805
You might recognize Sam from this.

2222
01:57:01,305 --> 01:57:04,338
Her entire Wikipedia
could fit into a fortune cookie.

2223
01:57:04,405 --> 01:57:05,471
[audience laughs]

2224
01:57:05,538 --> 01:57:08,838
Andrew Schultz, I'm glad you took a break
from watching YouTube videos

2225
01:57:08,905 --> 01:57:11,871
on how to dap-up Black dudes correctly.

2226
01:57:12,871 --> 01:57:15,538
Schultz's mom
is a professional ballroom dancer,

2227
01:57:15,605 --> 01:57:18,638
which means she's a stripper
that talks too much.

2228
01:57:18,705 --> 01:57:20,005
[audience laughs]

2229
01:57:20,071 --> 01:57:21,471
Bert Kreischer is a king.

2230
01:57:21,538 --> 01:57:24,005
He looks like if the Tiger King
and the Liver King

2231
01:57:24,071 --> 01:57:26,171
only ate Burger King
and had a liver that looked like

2232
01:57:26,238 --> 01:57:28,971
Martin Luther King
got beat up by Rodney King.

2233
01:57:29,038 --> 01:57:31,038
[audience laughs]

2234
01:57:36,271 --> 01:57:37,271
[inaudible dialogue]

2235
01:57:39,671 --> 01:57:44,538
And how about the appearance
from the great Ron Burgundy, huh?

2236
01:57:44,605 --> 01:57:46,005
[audience cheers]

2237
01:57:46,071 --> 01:57:50,671
A whale's vagina, which reminds me,
Kim Kardashian's here.

2238
01:57:50,738 --> 01:57:52,705
[audience groans]

2239
01:57:52,771 --> 01:57:56,271
She's had a lot of Black men
celebrate in her end zone.

2240
01:57:56,338 --> 01:57:57,438
[audience laughs]

2241
01:57:57,505 --> 01:57:59,838
Kim, word of advice: Close your legs.

2242
01:57:59,905 --> 01:58:03,038
You have more public beef
than Kendrick and Drake.

2243
01:58:03,105 --> 01:58:04,805
[audience laughs]

2244
01:58:04,871 --> 01:58:06,805
Thank you, guys. Thank you, Tom.

2245
01:58:06,871 --> 01:58:09,338
Thank you, Jeff. Thank you, Netflix.

2246
01:58:09,405 --> 01:58:11,505
[audience cheers and applauds]

2247
01:58:25,538 --> 01:58:26,738
[man] Whoo!

2248
01:58:32,838 --> 01:58:33,705
You... [chuckles]

2249
01:58:35,838 --> 01:58:38,505
You fucking give it up for To...

2250
01:58:38,571 --> 01:58:39,571
For Tony.

2251
01:58:40,738 --> 01:58:41,938
Give it up for Tony.

2252
01:58:42,005 --> 01:58:44,005
[audience cheers and applauds]

2253
01:58:45,471 --> 01:58:47,205
[Hart] Oh, God.

2254
01:58:47,271 --> 01:58:48,805
Oh, my God.

2255
01:58:49,571 --> 01:58:50,871
Tony, that was good.

2256
01:58:53,338 --> 01:58:55,838
I felt like we should clap
or else you'll go shoot up a school.

2257
01:58:55,905 --> 01:58:58,505
He looks like he's gonna do
something crazy.

2258
01:58:58,571 --> 01:59:02,038
Those fucking pants and that belt,
you fucking podcasters.

2259
01:59:02,105 --> 01:59:03,971
I said don't let him in here.

2260
01:59:04,038 --> 01:59:05,705
Tony, I can't deny great comedy.

2261
01:59:05,771 --> 01:59:07,605
Goddamn it, that was great fucking comedy.

2262
01:59:07,671 --> 01:59:08,605
Bit for bit.

2263
01:59:08,671 --> 01:59:09,838
[audience cheers and applauds]

2264
01:59:09,905 --> 01:59:11,505
Bit for bit, Tony.

2265
01:59:13,805 --> 01:59:17,005
I believe in giving flowers.
I have nothing bad to say, man.

2266
01:59:17,071 --> 01:59:19,005
Performance, goddamn. Every box.

2267
01:59:19,071 --> 01:59:20,871
Whatever you want to say, you check.

2268
01:59:22,371 --> 01:59:24,605
The... I just have to say this.

2269
01:59:24,671 --> 01:59:26,905
Sam, fuck him. All right?

2270
01:59:26,971 --> 01:59:27,905
[audience laughs]

2271
01:59:27,971 --> 01:59:31,105
The... "Aw, hell, gnaw." That right there.

2272
01:59:32,571 --> 01:59:34,671
That right there, like...

2273
01:59:34,738 --> 01:59:37,771
Sam, I want to come back
and, like, get him for us both.

2274
01:59:37,838 --> 01:59:39,238
But that was really good.

2275
01:59:39,305 --> 01:59:41,071
[audience laughs]

2276
01:59:41,138 --> 01:59:42,305
He got us good, Sam.

2277
01:59:42,371 --> 01:59:45,005
He got the Black culture good
with that one.

2278
01:59:46,405 --> 01:59:48,738
"Aw, hell, gnaw," that's...

2279
01:59:50,305 --> 01:59:53,538
He turned into Tyler Perry
in the middle of the show.

2280
01:59:53,605 --> 01:59:54,638
[audience laughs]

2281
01:59:54,705 --> 01:59:56,038
Fuck you, Tony.

2282
01:59:57,771 --> 02:00:00,771
I'll come back in a couple days, Sam.
We'll get him.

2283
02:00:00,838 --> 02:00:03,138
Just not now. Let him have this moment.

2284
02:00:03,771 --> 02:00:06,538
Son of a bitch. That was so good.

2285
02:00:06,605 --> 02:00:08,238
All right. Fuck that.

2286
02:00:08,305 --> 02:00:09,705
And fuck you, Tom.

2287
02:00:09,771 --> 02:00:10,805
All right?

2288
02:00:11,605 --> 02:00:12,871
All right.

2289
02:00:12,938 --> 02:00:16,805
Guys, our next NFL roaster
holds the NFL record

2290
02:00:16,871 --> 02:00:19,338
for the most receiving touchdowns
by a tight end.

2291
02:00:19,405 --> 02:00:20,671
Oh, my God.

2292
02:00:20,738 --> 02:00:22,305
- Yes.
- [audience cheers]

2293
02:00:22,371 --> 02:00:23,838
Yes, it's true.

2294
02:00:25,305 --> 02:00:29,338
And soon, soon he will hold
the record for most concussions received

2295
02:00:29,405 --> 02:00:31,338
from reading a teleprompter.

2296
02:00:31,405 --> 02:00:33,738
Please welcome Rob Gronkowski.

2297
02:00:33,805 --> 02:00:35,038
Come on, Rob.

2298
02:00:35,105 --> 02:00:37,771
- [audience cheers and applauds]
- [hip-hop music plays]

2299
02:00:39,871 --> 02:00:41,538
[inaudible dialogue]

2300
02:00:51,338 --> 02:00:52,938
- Wow.
- [hip-hop music fades]

2301
02:00:53,205 --> 02:00:55,205
{\an8}Wow, this has been a fucking night.

2302
02:00:56,671 --> 02:01:01,471
{\an8}Kevin Hart, first off, I've taken shit
bigger and blacker than you.

2303
02:01:01,538 --> 02:01:03,005
[audience laughs]

2304
02:01:03,071 --> 02:01:06,871
And unlike you, my shits don't sink
when they're in the water.

2305
02:01:06,938 --> 02:01:08,871
[audience laughs]

2306
02:01:08,938 --> 02:01:11,471
Yes, Kevin looks like one of my shits.

2307
02:01:11,538 --> 02:01:15,105
And Jeff Ross looks like
one of my livers in 20 years.

2308
02:01:15,905 --> 02:01:17,705
Yeah, sit down, bitch.

2309
02:01:18,471 --> 02:01:20,471
[audience laughs]

2310
02:01:21,238 --> 02:01:22,405
Jeff is so Jewish,

2311
02:01:22,471 --> 02:01:25,671
that backstage, when I put
my hand up for a high five,

2312
02:01:25,738 --> 02:01:26,871
he took ten.

2313
02:01:26,938 --> 02:01:28,705
[audience laughs]

2314
02:01:28,771 --> 02:01:31,238
Bert Kreischer, Krusher...

2315
02:01:31,305 --> 02:01:33,505
I don't know, I can't fucking read,
we all know that.

2316
02:01:33,571 --> 02:01:34,738
...is here.

2317
02:01:34,805 --> 02:01:37,205
Bert went to FSU.

2318
02:01:37,271 --> 02:01:39,338
Fat Shit University.

2319
02:01:39,405 --> 02:01:40,538
[audience laughs]

2320
02:01:40,605 --> 02:01:44,738
I love you, Bert, even though
you stole my whole drunken gimmick,

2321
02:01:44,805 --> 02:01:48,971
shirtless fucking thing
I used to do back in the day.

2322
02:01:49,038 --> 02:01:51,971
You're more like Slob Gronkowski,
you fat fucking lard.

2323
02:01:52,038 --> 02:01:53,838
[audience laughs]

2324
02:01:53,905 --> 02:01:55,138
Look at all my guys.

2325
02:01:55,205 --> 02:01:57,138
Rodney Harrison. What's up, dawg?

2326
02:01:57,838 --> 02:02:00,405
We got Matt Light.
We're gonna get Matt lit tonight.

2327
02:02:00,471 --> 02:02:02,005
What's up, brother? How you doing?

2328
02:02:02,638 --> 02:02:05,238
And fucking Amendola. What's up, buddy?

2329
02:02:05,305 --> 02:02:06,705
[audience cheers]

2330
02:02:06,771 --> 02:02:08,905
You went into coaching last year,

2331
02:02:08,971 --> 02:02:11,538
so you're now known as Amen-Dumbass.

2332
02:02:11,605 --> 02:02:13,238
[audience laughs]

2333
02:02:13,305 --> 02:02:15,838
Coach Belichick, nice to see you, sir.

2334
02:02:15,905 --> 02:02:16,971
[audience laughs]

2335
02:02:24,638 --> 02:02:28,038
I'm your last Pro Bowl pick
on the offensive side of the football,

2336
02:02:28,105 --> 02:02:30,371
and that was like 2000-fucking-9.

2337
02:02:30,438 --> 02:02:32,038
[audience laughs]

2338
02:02:32,105 --> 02:02:34,405
But man, this is like a family reunion.

2339
02:02:34,471 --> 02:02:36,605
Tom and Julian are like brothers to me,

2340
02:02:36,671 --> 02:02:40,671
and Drew Bledsoe is the grandfather
I assumed would be dead by now.

2341
02:02:40,738 --> 02:02:42,805
[audience laughs]

2342
02:02:43,638 --> 02:02:44,771
[mouths] You're right.

2343
02:02:44,838 --> 02:02:47,238
Drew got traded to the Buffalo Bills,

2344
02:02:47,305 --> 02:02:50,838
so he's played for two
of the worst fucking Bills in football.

2345
02:02:50,905 --> 02:02:52,271
[audience laughs]

2346
02:02:52,338 --> 02:02:56,671
Oh, fuck, coach,
I just noticed that joke is about you.

2347
02:02:56,738 --> 02:02:58,038
Should I run the hill?

2348
02:02:58,105 --> 02:03:00,671
[audience laughs]

2349
02:03:00,738 --> 02:03:03,171
Coach makes us run that hill
whenever we fuck up,

2350
02:03:03,238 --> 02:03:05,138
and I didn't fuck up there.

2351
02:03:07,505 --> 02:03:08,805
Randy Moss, so...

2352
02:03:08,871 --> 02:03:11,905
Randy Moss. Randy Moss.

2353
02:03:11,971 --> 02:03:14,238
So good to see you, Randy.

2354
02:03:14,305 --> 02:03:17,271
Randy hails from the great state
of West Virginia.

2355
02:03:17,338 --> 02:03:18,971
Country roads take me home

2356
02:03:19,038 --> 02:03:24,538
to the place where dating your sister
is as common as dating your other sister.

2357
02:03:24,605 --> 02:03:26,605
[audience laughs]

2358
02:03:32,271 --> 02:03:33,838
By the way, we're talking about sisters.

2359
02:03:33,905 --> 02:03:35,871
What's up, Tom's sisters? Yo.

2360
02:03:35,938 --> 02:03:36,871
[audience laughs]

2361
02:03:36,938 --> 02:03:37,971
Oh...

2362
02:03:43,471 --> 02:03:45,171
I just made that up on the spot, too.

2363
02:03:45,238 --> 02:03:47,238
[audience laughs]

2364
02:03:48,071 --> 02:03:49,505
[Ross] Get it, Gronk!

2365
02:03:51,005 --> 02:03:52,305
Go, Gronk!

2366
02:03:52,371 --> 02:03:54,838
Randy's nickname was "The Freak."

2367
02:03:55,605 --> 02:03:58,138
Edelman's nickname was "The Squirrel,"

2368
02:03:58,205 --> 02:04:01,738
because he loved having
Tom Brady's nuts in his mouth.

2369
02:04:01,805 --> 02:04:03,138
[audience laughs]

2370
02:04:03,838 --> 02:04:05,105
[mouthing] I suppose.

2371
02:04:05,171 --> 02:04:08,771
And when Tom left for Tampa,
he gave him the whole shaft.

2372
02:04:08,838 --> 02:04:10,405
[audience laughs]

2373
02:04:12,038 --> 02:04:14,571
And Julian is gonna change
his name to Jillian

2374
02:04:14,638 --> 02:04:16,371
and move in with Tom.

2375
02:04:16,438 --> 02:04:19,371
Just two little gay boys prancing around.

2376
02:04:19,438 --> 02:04:21,438
[audience laughs]

2377
02:04:26,971 --> 02:04:30,505
Everyone kissed Tom's ass. Even I did.

2378
02:04:30,571 --> 02:04:31,971
That's fine to admit,

2379
02:04:32,038 --> 02:04:35,538
but Julian, you're the only one
who used tongue.

2380
02:04:35,605 --> 02:04:36,638
[audience laughs]

2381
02:04:45,105 --> 02:04:46,838
I saw it in the shower.

2382
02:04:46,905 --> 02:04:48,838
[audience laughs]

2383
02:04:48,905 --> 02:04:51,238
Oh, wait a second. Tom, you don't shower.

2384
02:04:52,771 --> 02:04:54,271
You must've been extra stinky.

2385
02:04:55,605 --> 02:04:56,505
All right.

2386
02:04:57,238 --> 02:04:58,071
Tom.

2387
02:04:58,605 --> 02:04:59,705
All right, yeah. Julian.

2388
02:04:59,771 --> 02:05:03,038
Tom left you on the Patriots
so you couldn't blow him anymore.

2389
02:05:03,105 --> 02:05:04,405
We all know that.

2390
02:05:04,471 --> 02:05:07,971
And Bill, you never gave Tom any action.

2391
02:05:08,038 --> 02:05:11,538
- No hand job, nothing. Fucking...
- [Belichick blows whistle]

2392
02:05:14,005 --> 02:05:15,105
[inaudible dialogue]

2393
02:05:15,171 --> 02:05:16,605
He gave him a hand job!

2394
02:05:16,671 --> 02:05:19,938
Yeah. All right.
Did you give him a hand job, coach?

2395
02:05:20,838 --> 02:05:23,238
Why'd you blow the whistle?
I said you didn't give him...

2396
02:05:23,305 --> 02:05:25,905
- Take this joke out.
- All right. Take this joke out.

2397
02:05:26,771 --> 02:05:28,471
[audience laughs]

2398
02:05:28,538 --> 02:05:30,505
Scroll back up. I'm saying this joke.

2399
02:05:30,571 --> 02:05:32,371
[audience laughs]

2400
02:05:32,438 --> 02:05:34,771
Bill, you never gave Tom action.

2401
02:05:35,438 --> 02:05:36,538
Well, let me tell you,

2402
02:05:36,605 --> 02:05:39,571
did he fuck you in the end
as hard as he could.

2403
02:05:39,638 --> 02:05:41,838
Rear-ended you from Tampa Bay.

2404
02:05:41,905 --> 02:05:45,338
That's a 1300-mile-long cock Tom has.

2405
02:05:45,405 --> 02:05:50,105
And let me tell you, Julian sucked
that cock all the way from Florida

2406
02:05:50,171 --> 02:05:53,938
through the Carolinas,
all the way up to Massachusetts,

2407
02:05:54,005 --> 02:05:56,405
spitting on it, lubing it up

2408
02:05:56,471 --> 02:06:00,771
to even get further penetration
up your ass, coach.

2409
02:06:00,838 --> 02:06:02,271
[audience laughs]

2410
02:06:03,871 --> 02:06:06,738
Holy fuck. I wrote that joke, by the way.

2411
02:06:06,805 --> 02:06:09,071
[audience laughs and applauds]

2412
02:06:10,271 --> 02:06:12,171
Wow. Wow.

2413
02:06:13,538 --> 02:06:15,805
No wonder
why you didn't want me to say that.

2414
02:06:15,871 --> 02:06:17,705
You can read like me, coach.

2415
02:06:18,571 --> 02:06:19,871
Congratulations.

2416
02:06:20,905 --> 02:06:25,371
But, coach, you used to talk about
Foxborough High School when we sucked.

2417
02:06:25,905 --> 02:06:26,738
But now I know

2418
02:06:26,805 --> 02:06:29,438
why you were so obsessed
with Foxborough High School.

2419
02:06:29,505 --> 02:06:31,938
You were scouting your new girlfriend.

2420
02:06:32,671 --> 02:06:34,671
[audience laughs and groans]

2421
02:06:36,471 --> 02:06:38,938
I mean, coach, my joke wasn't fucked up,

2422
02:06:39,005 --> 02:06:40,405
but that's fucked up.

2423
02:06:40,471 --> 02:06:41,805
You're 73 years old.

2424
02:06:41,871 --> 02:06:43,971
You should be trying
to bang someone your own age,

2425
02:06:44,038 --> 02:06:45,205
like Nikki.

2426
02:06:45,905 --> 02:06:47,905
[audience laughs]

2427
02:06:48,605 --> 02:06:51,005
All right,
I'll run that fucking hill again.

2428
02:06:52,138 --> 02:06:53,871
This time, I'll just keep running.

2429
02:06:54,305 --> 02:06:55,138
Oh...

2430
02:06:55,738 --> 02:06:59,671
And now let's talk about
my designated driver, Tom Brady.

2431
02:07:00,338 --> 02:07:02,705
[audience cheers and applauds]

2432
02:07:03,271 --> 02:07:06,105
Even though we played together
for 11 years,

2433
02:07:06,171 --> 02:07:08,505
I feel like I barely know this guy.

2434
02:07:09,205 --> 02:07:11,971
Tom's just like the avocados he eats.

2435
02:07:12,038 --> 02:07:15,738
I think he's a fruit,
but I'm just totally not sure.

2436
02:07:15,805 --> 02:07:17,571
[audience laughs]

2437
02:07:22,938 --> 02:07:24,071
Yeah.

2438
02:07:27,438 --> 02:07:29,538
I didn't even know you were in <i>Ted 2.</i>

2439
02:07:29,605 --> 02:07:31,205
I was watching that scene

2440
02:07:31,271 --> 02:07:34,938
when a tiny, furry bear
started jerking you off.

2441
02:07:35,005 --> 02:07:36,671
At least I think it was <i>Ted 2.</i>

2442
02:07:36,738 --> 02:07:38,605
It might have just been
security cam footage

2443
02:07:38,671 --> 02:07:40,571
of Julian at your house.

2444
02:07:40,638 --> 02:07:42,638
[audience laughs]

2445
02:07:44,871 --> 02:07:46,405
Oh, I like that one.

2446
02:07:47,538 --> 02:07:48,371
I'm creative.

2447
02:07:48,438 --> 02:07:51,471
You guys all think I'm a dumb
piece of fucking shit, but...

2448
02:07:51,538 --> 02:07:53,538
[audience laughs]

2449
02:07:54,938 --> 02:07:56,938
[audience cheers]

2450
02:07:59,905 --> 02:08:02,871
Well, I really am. I really am.

2451
02:08:04,305 --> 02:08:07,871
Fucking... I run into people for a living.
Obviously I'm fucking dumb.

2452
02:08:07,938 --> 02:08:09,938
[audience laughs]

2453
02:08:10,538 --> 02:08:11,671
All right, Tom.

2454
02:08:12,238 --> 02:08:13,838
You should find some new hobbies, man.

2455
02:08:13,905 --> 02:08:15,271
Like I did.

2456
02:08:15,338 --> 02:08:17,338
I had a racehorse called Gronkowski.

2457
02:08:17,405 --> 02:08:20,838
I didn't name it Tom Brady
because, unlike you, it's good at running.

2458
02:08:22,305 --> 02:08:23,805
Oh, and it also knows

2459
02:08:23,871 --> 02:08:26,438
when it should be taken
behind the barn and shot.

2460
02:08:26,505 --> 02:08:27,538
[audience laughs]

2461
02:08:27,605 --> 02:08:29,838
Shootout. [imitates gunshots]

2462
02:08:32,238 --> 02:08:33,871
I'm one of five brothers.

2463
02:08:33,938 --> 02:08:36,138
Tom doesn't even know five brothers.

2464
02:08:36,205 --> 02:08:37,571
[audience laughs]

2465
02:08:38,671 --> 02:08:43,305
I mean, there are only two-and-a-half
of them on this roast.

2466
02:08:43,371 --> 02:08:44,971
[audience laughs]

2467
02:08:45,038 --> 02:08:47,638
They don't count behind us,
Kevin, all right?

2468
02:08:48,371 --> 02:08:50,905
Oh, you're standing up.
You can still suck my dick.

2469
02:08:50,971 --> 02:08:52,505
[audience laughs]

2470
02:08:53,838 --> 02:08:56,005
Wow. That would feel good.

2471
02:08:56,071 --> 02:08:58,605
I never tried it before,
but I'll do it with you.

2472
02:08:58,671 --> 02:09:00,271
[audience laughs]

2473
02:09:00,338 --> 02:09:03,805
Just 'cause you're standing, like,
imagine that grip you can give me.

2474
02:09:03,871 --> 02:09:05,205
Wow.

2475
02:09:10,571 --> 02:09:11,905
Oh...

2476
02:09:11,971 --> 02:09:14,205
Oh, man, I'm making shit up as we go.

2477
02:09:15,305 --> 02:09:16,738
Just like my routes.

2478
02:09:17,638 --> 02:09:19,805
But we had a connection.
He would still find me.

2479
02:09:19,871 --> 02:09:21,671
"Gronk, why the fuck
did you run that way?"

2480
02:09:21,738 --> 02:09:23,971
Touchdown, motherfuckers.

2481
02:09:24,038 --> 02:09:25,771
[audience cheers]

2482
02:09:25,838 --> 02:09:28,071
- Good. That's good.
- Yeah?

2483
02:09:28,138 --> 02:09:29,105
Wait...

2484
02:09:29,805 --> 02:09:31,471
Gronk, you're supposed to run in.

2485
02:09:31,538 --> 02:09:34,571
Oh, he's going deep. Oh, shit, touchdown.

2486
02:09:35,305 --> 02:09:37,371
[audience laughs]

2487
02:09:37,438 --> 02:09:38,605
Bill would be like:

2488
02:09:38,671 --> 02:09:42,438
"Oh, Gronk, he doesn't know
the playbook, but he scored.

2489
02:09:42,505 --> 02:09:43,338
It's fine."

2490
02:09:45,371 --> 02:09:46,205
[Rob] Oh...

2491
02:09:47,605 --> 02:09:52,871
But, Tom, I really am psyched tonight
that we got you and Bill here tonight.

2492
02:09:52,938 --> 02:09:55,538
Everyone thinks you guys hate each other.

2493
02:09:55,605 --> 02:09:59,871
But I saw firsthand,
you two are exactly alike.

2494
02:09:59,938 --> 02:10:02,605
You're both hardasses that hate fun.

2495
02:10:02,671 --> 02:10:03,638
[audience laughs]

2496
02:10:03,705 --> 02:10:05,938
You both live and breathe football.

2497
02:10:06,538 --> 02:10:08,905
Neither of you are married anymore.

2498
02:10:10,005 --> 02:10:12,838
You're both even divorced from football,

2499
02:10:12,905 --> 02:10:15,571
and both of you take full credit
for the dynasty.

2500
02:10:16,438 --> 02:10:20,571
And worst of all, I've never had
a fucking drink with either of you.

2501
02:10:20,638 --> 02:10:21,471
Yeah.

2502
02:10:22,638 --> 02:10:25,138
Now, hold it, hold it, hold it.
No, don't drink.

2503
02:10:25,205 --> 02:10:27,538
- [Hart] He said don't drink!
- I got something for you later.

2504
02:10:27,605 --> 02:10:29,138
[Hart] Listen, Tom! Man.

2505
02:10:30,338 --> 02:10:32,705
You don't fucking listen, Tom.
He said don't drink.

2506
02:10:32,771 --> 02:10:34,905
- Yeah.
- [Hart] Go ahead, Rob. I got you.

2507
02:10:34,971 --> 02:10:37,538
Well, tonight,
we're doing a fucking shot, baby.

2508
02:10:37,605 --> 02:10:39,605
- And... Yes.
- [audience cheers]

2509
02:10:40,438 --> 02:10:43,138
- And that's why you gotta listen.
- Okay.

2510
02:10:43,205 --> 02:10:45,438
That's why Coach Belichick
got rid of your ass.

2511
02:10:45,505 --> 02:10:46,971
- [Hart] Holy shit.
- [audience laughs]

2512
02:10:49,805 --> 02:10:51,205
Holy shit.

2513
02:10:52,805 --> 02:10:53,905
Oh, man.

2514
02:10:55,171 --> 02:10:56,105
Oh...

2515
02:10:58,138 --> 02:10:59,205
Oh, shit.

2516
02:10:59,271 --> 02:11:00,771
[Hart] Sound it out, Rob. Sound it out.

2517
02:11:00,838 --> 02:11:02,205
- All right.
- [audience laughs]

2518
02:11:03,605 --> 02:11:04,438
Where am I?

2519
02:11:06,671 --> 02:11:07,505
Where am I?

2520
02:11:07,571 --> 02:11:09,638
- [Ross] Shot! Shot! Shot!
- [Hart] You got it.

2521
02:11:09,705 --> 02:11:11,571
Oh, yeah. We're doing a shot.

2522
02:11:11,638 --> 02:11:15,038
And don't worry, it doesn't have
any strawberries in it, Tom.

2523
02:11:15,105 --> 02:11:18,805
Nightshades, inflammation,
whatever the fuck you're talking about.

2524
02:11:19,538 --> 02:11:24,371
And it was approved by your mom
and Bill's boss, Alex Guerrero.

2525
02:11:24,438 --> 02:11:26,471
[audience laughs]

2526
02:11:26,538 --> 02:11:28,171
[Hart] Shots!

2527
02:11:28,238 --> 02:11:29,305
Come on, Rob.

2528
02:11:30,138 --> 02:11:32,171
No, Rob, not that. The shot, not that.

2529
02:11:32,238 --> 02:11:33,771
Put that back. There you go.

2530
02:11:33,838 --> 02:11:36,171
Rob, get the fuck... Help him, Jeff.

2531
02:11:36,238 --> 02:11:37,271
Goddamn it.

2532
02:11:37,338 --> 02:11:39,505
I said don't leave him up here by himself.

2533
02:11:39,571 --> 02:11:42,271
Get the glasses. There you go.
Good job, Rob.

2534
02:11:42,338 --> 02:11:43,438
- Good job.
- I love you, Bill.

2535
02:11:43,505 --> 02:11:45,671
- I love you, Tom.
- Hold on. Give him a shot.

2536
02:11:45,738 --> 02:11:48,071
Coach, take the shot. There you go.

2537
02:11:48,138 --> 02:11:49,105
Come on.

2538
02:11:49,171 --> 02:11:50,005
Hey.

2539
02:11:51,205 --> 02:11:52,305
Building bridges!

2540
02:11:52,371 --> 02:11:54,371
[audience cheers]

2541
02:11:55,305 --> 02:11:56,705
[Edelman] Touchdown!

2542
02:11:56,771 --> 02:11:58,238
[Gronk] Love you, guys.

2543
02:11:58,305 --> 02:12:00,305
[audience cheer and applauds]

2544
02:12:14,871 --> 02:12:17,105
- [Belichick] That was tremendous.
- Thank you, coach.

2545
02:12:18,105 --> 02:12:19,571
Um...

2546
02:12:21,038 --> 02:12:24,071
We're live, so there's no way
to hide the fact

2547
02:12:24,138 --> 02:12:27,238
that Gronk might be
on a little more than alcohol.

2548
02:12:27,305 --> 02:12:28,838
- [audience laughs]
- Uh...

2549
02:12:29,738 --> 02:12:31,805
Yeah, no, it's okay.

2550
02:12:31,871 --> 02:12:34,271
Yeah, yeah, no, Gronk, we'll get it.

2551
02:12:34,338 --> 02:12:36,371
Yeah, no, we'll clean it up, Gronk.

2552
02:12:36,438 --> 02:12:38,738
Yeah, just sit down
when you get a chance, Gronk.

2553
02:12:38,805 --> 02:12:41,238
Jesus Christ. Just lay down.

2554
02:12:41,671 --> 02:12:42,738
Just lay down.

2555
02:12:44,171 --> 02:12:46,371
I'm gonna say
what everybody else is saying.

2556
02:12:47,238 --> 02:12:49,871
And I don't know if I can get canceled
for saying what I wanna say.

2557
02:12:49,938 --> 02:12:52,038
No, go back. Go back to the top.

2558
02:12:52,105 --> 02:12:55,638
I'm gonna get to that.
This is just my truth. Um...

2559
02:12:57,071 --> 02:12:58,438
Gronk scares me.

2560
02:12:58,505 --> 02:13:00,471
- He scares me.
- [audience laughs]

2561
02:13:00,538 --> 02:13:04,305
Gronk is the...
He's the unsafe drunk white guy.

2562
02:13:04,371 --> 02:13:09,438
I want... This is a moment for white guys
to understand how Black guys feel.

2563
02:13:09,505 --> 02:13:12,571
I looked at Randy
when Gronk was saying a lot of shit,

2564
02:13:12,638 --> 02:13:15,571
and Randy had a look that said,
"I'm going home."

2565
02:13:15,638 --> 02:13:16,771
Like...

2566
02:13:16,838 --> 02:13:19,405
Gronk is the guy that does shit

2567
02:13:19,471 --> 02:13:23,571
that we all know ends up
in a fucking bad situation.

2568
02:13:23,638 --> 02:13:24,838
Goddamn it, Tom.

2569
02:13:24,905 --> 02:13:26,938
You need to get him on a fucking leash.

2570
02:13:27,005 --> 02:13:28,838
I wish y'all could've seen the words

2571
02:13:28,905 --> 02:13:33,205
that we had to sound out
and elongate on the fucking prompter.

2572
02:13:33,271 --> 02:13:34,571
There was so many Es.

2573
02:13:34,638 --> 02:13:36,338
We had a lot of Es on one word.

2574
02:13:36,405 --> 02:13:38,771
Gronk got stuck. He was like...

2575
02:13:39,738 --> 02:13:41,738
[audience laughs]

2576
02:13:41,805 --> 02:13:45,271
I had to help him.
Sound it out, Gronk. Fuck.

2577
02:13:45,338 --> 02:13:48,105
Keep it going. Jesus Christ.

2578
02:13:49,238 --> 02:13:50,305
You know, Gronk...

2579
02:13:50,371 --> 02:13:54,038
They had this concussion protocol, right?
Here's the protocol for Gronk.

2580
02:13:54,105 --> 02:13:55,838
If you hit him in the head,

2581
02:13:55,905 --> 02:13:58,505
the only way to get him out of it,
you got to hit him again.

2582
02:13:58,571 --> 02:14:02,038
Gronk is the only player
that can take two hits.

2583
02:14:02,105 --> 02:14:03,538
Fucking Gronk.

2584
02:14:05,238 --> 02:14:07,705
Jesus Christ.
This whole live almost went to shit.

2585
02:14:07,771 --> 02:14:11,105
Here's a good thing.
Uh, Gronk says that he's returning, right?

2586
02:14:11,171 --> 02:14:14,338
He's not returning to NFL football
'cause he's lost, like...

2587
02:14:14,405 --> 02:14:17,571
He doesn't have the itch for the game,
and that's understandable.

2588
02:14:17,638 --> 02:14:19,338
Uh, but the women you slept with do.

2589
02:14:19,405 --> 02:14:21,538
They've all claimed it, Gronk.

2590
02:14:21,605 --> 02:14:22,838
They're itching.

2591
02:14:22,905 --> 02:14:24,171
You fucked them good.

2592
02:14:24,238 --> 02:14:28,205
A lot of fucking going on
in the Patriots organization, by the way.

2593
02:14:28,271 --> 02:14:31,038
Jesus Christ. By the way,
Bill loved that. Look at Bill.

2594
02:14:31,105 --> 02:14:32,505
- He...
- [audience laughs]

2595
02:14:32,571 --> 02:14:37,438
Jesus, Captain Smiles is laughing hard
at the fact that you're giving out herpes.

2596
02:14:37,505 --> 02:14:39,405
Jesus Christ, Bill.

2597
02:14:39,471 --> 02:14:42,305
What type of dark humor
have you been blessed with?

2598
02:14:42,371 --> 02:14:44,105
[audience laughs]

2599
02:14:44,171 --> 02:14:48,805
"Yeah, fuck all of them, Kevin.
I don't have a job."

2600
02:14:48,871 --> 02:14:49,805
All right.

2601
02:14:49,871 --> 02:14:51,171
I get it, Bill.

2602
02:14:51,238 --> 02:14:52,205
Fuck you, Tom.

2603
02:14:52,271 --> 02:14:53,638
All right, guys, listen.

2604
02:14:53,705 --> 02:14:56,738
Your next roaster just sold out
Madison Square Garden.

2605
02:14:56,805 --> 02:14:59,038
I want to fucking exclamate that.

2606
02:14:59,105 --> 02:15:02,038
My guy sold out Madison Square Garden.

2607
02:15:02,105 --> 02:15:05,138
And it was a dream of his,
and he fucking made it happen.

2608
02:15:05,205 --> 02:15:08,638
And that's pretty good for a guy
who looks like he works at Olive Garden.

2609
02:15:08,705 --> 02:15:11,771
Please show some love
to Andrew fucking Schulz.

2610
02:15:11,838 --> 02:15:12,738
Let's go.

2611
02:15:12,805 --> 02:15:14,838
- [audience cheers]
- [hip-hop music plays]

2612
02:15:20,005 --> 02:15:20,838
[hip-hop music fades]

2613
02:15:20,905 --> 02:15:23,371
Hello, Forum. Make some noise!

2614
02:15:23,438 --> 02:15:25,371
[audience cheers]

2615
02:15:25,438 --> 02:15:27,071
All right. Give it up for Kevin Hart.

2616
02:15:27,138 --> 02:15:30,005
First of all, hosting this thing.
Absolutely amazing.

2617
02:15:30,071 --> 02:15:33,038
{\an8}Hardest working man in Hollywood.
Give it up for Kev.

2618
02:15:33,105 --> 02:15:35,105
{\an8}[audience applauds]

2619
02:15:36,305 --> 02:15:38,171
Kev is the hardest-working man
in Hollywood

2620
02:15:38,238 --> 02:15:40,305
outside of the PR guy from Nickelodeon.

2621
02:15:40,371 --> 02:15:41,605
Uh...

2622
02:15:41,671 --> 02:15:43,205
[audience laughs]

2623
02:15:43,271 --> 02:15:45,238
Kevin Hart,
or as he's known in the industry,

2624
02:15:45,305 --> 02:15:47,005
the Rock's bottom.

2625
02:15:47,071 --> 02:15:49,338
[audience laughs]

2626
02:15:49,405 --> 02:15:51,038
Kevin is best friends with the Rock.

2627
02:15:51,105 --> 02:15:53,505
Uh, his dad was also
best friends with the Rock.

2628
02:15:53,571 --> 02:15:55,171
Crack. Uh...

2629
02:15:55,238 --> 02:15:56,705
[audience laughs]

2630
02:15:59,305 --> 02:16:01,005
We could smell what he was cooking.

2631
02:16:01,071 --> 02:16:02,005
Crack.

2632
02:16:02,071 --> 02:16:04,071
[audience laughs]

2633
02:16:04,571 --> 02:16:05,638
Kevin's a superstar.

2634
02:16:05,705 --> 02:16:07,771
Only thing you can make fun of him
is for being short,

2635
02:16:07,838 --> 02:16:10,938
but there's advantages to being short.
Kevin is the only Black guy

2636
02:16:11,005 --> 02:16:13,671
you can still call three-fifths
a person, which is awesome...

2637
02:16:13,738 --> 02:16:15,638
[audience laughs]

2638
02:16:15,705 --> 02:16:18,438
...'cause that's what his wife
took in the divorce.

2639
02:16:18,505 --> 02:16:19,705
Guys.

2640
02:16:19,771 --> 02:16:21,005
[audience laughs]

2641
02:16:21,071 --> 02:16:24,138
What a dais we have here,
ladies and gentlemen.

2642
02:16:24,205 --> 02:16:25,238
Look at this.

2643
02:16:25,305 --> 02:16:29,505
This stage has seen more head trauma
than a Kennedy on the campaign trail.

2644
02:16:29,571 --> 02:16:30,971
[audience laughs]

2645
02:16:32,538 --> 02:16:36,471
Speaking of brainless Patriots,
Tom, all your boys showed up for you.

2646
02:16:36,538 --> 02:16:37,705
[Tom] They did.

2647
02:16:37,771 --> 02:16:40,905
Gronk, you hunky retard. Look at you.

2648
02:16:40,971 --> 02:16:42,438
[audience laughs]

2649
02:16:44,738 --> 02:16:47,338
Gronk, you look like
your mom fucked a monster.

2650
02:16:48,338 --> 02:16:49,571
Energy drink.

2651
02:16:49,638 --> 02:16:51,304
[audience laughs]

2652
02:16:51,371 --> 02:16:55,271
I'm surprised you didn't start
your set with, "Hey, you guys."

2653
02:16:55,338 --> 02:16:57,338
[audience laughs]

2654
02:16:59,271 --> 02:17:02,338
Despite coming across
as a mush-brained mongoloid,

2655
02:17:03,005 --> 02:17:05,938
Gronk actually has
a <i>New York Times</i> bestselling book.

2656
02:17:06,005 --> 02:17:10,205
He is the first author in history
to have a ghost writer and ghost reader.

2657
02:17:10,271 --> 02:17:12,105
It is... No, it's amazing.

2658
02:17:12,171 --> 02:17:15,571
He can't read. He's still trying
to figure out what three-fifths is.

2659
02:17:15,638 --> 02:17:17,071
[audience laughs]

2660
02:17:17,138 --> 02:17:20,905
Three-fifths is how much of Nikki's hand
goes down her throat after a meal.

2661
02:17:20,971 --> 02:17:22,971
[audience laughs]

2662
02:17:24,238 --> 02:17:26,738
Whatever you're doing, Nikki,
it's working. Keep it up.

2663
02:17:27,738 --> 02:17:29,171
Julian Edelman is here!

2664
02:17:29,238 --> 02:17:31,671
[audience cheers]

2665
02:17:31,738 --> 02:17:34,371
I didn't even know that Julian was Jewish

2666
02:17:34,438 --> 02:17:37,238
until I saw him
return a kickoff for a refund.

2667
02:17:37,304 --> 02:17:38,438
That...

2668
02:17:38,505 --> 02:17:40,771
- [audience laughs]
- [inaudible dialogue]

2669
02:17:40,838 --> 02:17:42,705
Julian is notorious
for having sex with, like,

2670
02:17:42,771 --> 02:17:44,871
every Jewish model on the planet.

2671
02:17:44,938 --> 02:17:46,738
Both of them. Uh...

2672
02:17:46,804 --> 02:17:48,038
[audience laughs]

2673
02:17:48,105 --> 02:17:48,938
I'm joking.

2674
02:17:49,005 --> 02:17:51,738
There's plenty of Jewish models out there,
or as they call them in L.A.,

2675
02:17:51,804 --> 02:17:53,338
Leo's Bagel Holes.

2676
02:17:53,405 --> 02:17:55,405
[audience laughs]

2677
02:17:56,671 --> 02:17:58,371
Dana's here!

2678
02:17:58,438 --> 02:18:01,871
Dana White,
the greatest promoter in history!

2679
02:18:01,938 --> 02:18:03,738
Make some noise for Dana.

2680
02:18:03,804 --> 02:18:05,871
[audience cheers]

2681
02:18:07,771 --> 02:18:11,705
Dana has put more immigrants
in cages than U.S. border policies.

2682
02:18:11,771 --> 02:18:12,804
[audience laughs]

2683
02:18:16,005 --> 02:18:18,804
Dana is a skinhead genius.

2684
02:18:18,871 --> 02:18:22,038
He found a way
for minorities to beat each other up.

2685
02:18:22,105 --> 02:18:23,105
[audience laughs]

2686
02:18:24,271 --> 02:18:26,838
Respect to Dana, though.
He's a self-made man.

2687
02:18:26,905 --> 02:18:29,738
Before the UFC, he left Boston
with absolutely nothing.

2688
02:18:29,804 --> 02:18:33,171
And that's something, Randy,
you can completely relate to.

2689
02:18:34,238 --> 02:18:37,304
Shout out to Randy,
coming out dressed like Bagger Vance.

2690
02:18:37,371 --> 02:18:39,371
[audience laughs]

2691
02:18:40,771 --> 02:18:44,138
Someone get him out of the sand trap.
I mean, Nikki's pussy. Sorry.

2692
02:18:44,205 --> 02:18:45,638
[audience laughs]

2693
02:18:45,705 --> 02:18:48,405
Randy is the greatest wide receiver
of all time.

2694
02:18:48,471 --> 02:18:50,971
He's also a civil rights hero.
A lot of people don't know this.

2695
02:18:51,038 --> 02:18:53,571
Randy got expelled from his high school
for fighting with racists,

2696
02:18:53,638 --> 02:18:55,071
but that did not stop him.

2697
02:18:55,138 --> 02:18:56,671
He fought racists his entire career,

2698
02:18:56,738 --> 02:18:59,138
and that's why he refused
to win a championship for Boston.

2699
02:18:59,205 --> 02:19:02,271
So give it up for him.
You won in the long run.

2700
02:19:02,338 --> 02:19:05,105
You beat them, okay?

2701
02:19:05,171 --> 02:19:07,571
[audience applauds]

2702
02:19:07,638 --> 02:19:10,605
Randy made sure,
on Super Bowl Sunday in Boston,

2703
02:19:10,671 --> 02:19:13,938
the only people celebrating a happy ending
were the priests.

2704
02:19:14,005 --> 02:19:16,005
[audience groans]

2705
02:19:18,105 --> 02:19:20,705
Jeff Ross is here. Roast royalty.

2706
02:19:21,738 --> 02:19:25,638
Jeff, you remind me of the patient
from the game <i>Operation.</i>

2707
02:19:25,705 --> 02:19:27,705
[audience laughs]

2708
02:19:32,205 --> 02:19:34,871
'Cause every time kids touch you,
you light up.

2709
02:19:34,938 --> 02:19:36,071
[audience laughs]

2710
02:19:39,705 --> 02:19:42,071
There's none back there, Jeff.
Just sit down.

2711
02:19:42,138 --> 02:19:44,238
[audience laughs]

2712
02:19:44,304 --> 02:19:46,238
It's amazing Jeff Ross
is even here, actually.

2713
02:19:46,304 --> 02:19:48,804
He's recovering
from a horrible ACL injury.

2714
02:19:48,871 --> 02:19:52,438
ACL is the only injury
Gronk can spell. Uh...

2715
02:19:52,938 --> 02:19:55,771
And speaking of things that make men limp,
Nikki Glaser is here.

2716
02:19:55,838 --> 02:19:57,405
Give it up for Nikki!

2717
02:19:57,471 --> 02:19:59,838
[audience cheers and applauds]

2718
02:19:59,905 --> 02:20:03,071
A lot of people were wondering
why Nikki was even on this dais,

2719
02:20:03,138 --> 02:20:04,438
which is sexist fucking bullshit.

2720
02:20:04,505 --> 02:20:06,338
She's absolutely hilarious.
Give it up for her.

2721
02:20:06,405 --> 02:20:08,005
She's absolutely hilarious.

2722
02:20:08,071 --> 02:20:09,571
[audience cheers and applauds]]

2723
02:20:09,638 --> 02:20:10,971
Killed it. Killed it.

2724
02:20:12,171 --> 02:20:14,705
A lot of you don't know.
Nikki has deep ties to football.

2725
02:20:14,771 --> 02:20:17,138
Not only is her face made out of pig skin,

2726
02:20:17,205 --> 02:20:20,505
but every guy she dates
bends her over and takes a hike.

2727
02:20:20,571 --> 02:20:22,838
So she deserves to be here.

2728
02:20:22,905 --> 02:20:23,905
[audience laughs]

2729
02:20:23,971 --> 02:20:25,071
Okay?

2730
02:20:27,205 --> 02:20:29,105
People talk about Nikki's appearance,

2731
02:20:29,171 --> 02:20:32,238
but I think we all know
what matters is what's on the inside.

2732
02:20:32,305 --> 02:20:34,138
What's on the inside is what counts.

2733
02:20:34,205 --> 02:20:36,805
Sure, on the outside,
she looks like Tiffany Trump,

2734
02:20:36,871 --> 02:20:39,838
but on the inside, she's Barron.

2735
02:20:39,905 --> 02:20:41,005
[audience laughs]

2736
02:20:45,305 --> 02:20:47,638
Speaking of people
that can no longer deliver,

2737
02:20:47,705 --> 02:20:50,038
let's talk about Tom motherfucking Brady.

2738
02:20:50,571 --> 02:20:52,705
[audience cheers and applauds]

2739
02:20:52,771 --> 02:20:54,338
The man in the arena, the GOAT.

2740
02:20:54,405 --> 02:20:57,171
Uh, Tom,
I know Bill Belichick showed up late,

2741
02:20:57,238 --> 02:20:59,371
but don't worry,
he has someone secretly recording this

2742
02:20:59,438 --> 02:21:01,538
so he can watch
the whole thing later, okay?

2743
02:21:01,605 --> 02:21:02,538
[audience laughs]

2744
02:21:02,605 --> 02:21:06,305
Bill has secretly filmed more guys
playing for the other team than Diddy.

2745
02:21:06,371 --> 02:21:07,338
Uh...

2746
02:21:07,405 --> 02:21:08,671
[audience laughs]

2747
02:21:13,071 --> 02:21:14,605
That's your boy, Kev.

2748
02:21:15,771 --> 02:21:19,005
A lot of tight ends turned wide receivers,
if you know what I mean.

2749
02:21:19,071 --> 02:21:20,938
[audience laughs]

2750
02:21:21,005 --> 02:21:24,771
Tom said that the reason he loves football
is 'cause it allows him to be

2751
02:21:24,838 --> 02:21:27,571
his most true,
authentic version of himself.

2752
02:21:27,638 --> 02:21:30,805
Hiding behind a mask,
throwing things at Black people.

2753
02:21:30,871 --> 02:21:31,771
Uh...

2754
02:21:31,838 --> 02:21:32,871
[audience laughs]

2755
02:21:33,538 --> 02:21:35,805
I'm kidding.
He never threw to the Black guys.

2756
02:21:35,871 --> 02:21:37,238
- Uh...
- [audience laughs]

2757
02:21:37,305 --> 02:21:39,605
Gronkowski, Edelman, Welker.

2758
02:21:39,671 --> 02:21:42,138
That's not a receiving corps,
that's a law firm.

2759
02:21:42,205 --> 02:21:44,038
[audience laughs]

2760
02:21:44,105 --> 02:21:46,571
And with that divorce coming up,
you're gonna fucking need them.

2761
02:21:46,638 --> 02:21:48,071
[audience laughs]

2762
02:21:48,138 --> 02:21:49,705
Oh, that's why Dana's here,

2763
02:21:49,771 --> 02:21:53,138
so you can learn how to fuck
a Brazilian out of half their purse.

2764
02:21:53,205 --> 02:21:55,205
[audience laughs and applauds]

2765
02:22:03,738 --> 02:22:05,138
Tom, you became the GOAT

2766
02:22:05,205 --> 02:22:08,271
by being the fiercest competitor
on the planet.

2767
02:22:08,338 --> 02:22:12,938
Tom was once asked
which one of his rings was his favorite,

2768
02:22:13,005 --> 02:22:14,171
and he said:

2769
02:22:14,971 --> 02:22:16,171
"The next one."

2770
02:22:16,838 --> 02:22:18,305
Sorry, that's a Gisele quote.

2771
02:22:18,371 --> 02:22:20,105
Uh, my bad. Uh, guys...

2772
02:22:20,171 --> 02:22:21,038
[audience laughs]

2773
02:22:21,105 --> 02:22:24,038
Yeah, that was Gisele.
That was Gisele, for sure.

2774
02:22:26,638 --> 02:22:30,771
Tom, you all remind us...
Or, sorry, you remind us

2775
02:22:30,838 --> 02:22:35,271
that no matter how big you get,
how successful you are,

2776
02:22:35,338 --> 02:22:37,538
how much you accomplish in your life,

2777
02:22:37,605 --> 02:22:42,438
you can always end up a twice-divorced
supplement salesman in Tampa, Florida.

2778
02:22:42,505 --> 02:22:43,838
[audience laughs]

2779
02:22:43,905 --> 02:22:45,138
And for that, we all thank you.

2780
02:22:45,205 --> 02:22:47,671
You are the GOAT. Thank you
so much for even doing this.

2781
02:22:47,738 --> 02:22:49,738
[audience cheers and applauds]

2782
02:22:53,371 --> 02:22:54,871
[inaudible dialogue]

2783
02:22:56,605 --> 02:22:58,305
[Hart] Goddamn it.

2784
02:22:59,105 --> 02:23:03,271
Andrew Schulz.
Worth the goddamn hype, man.

2785
02:23:03,338 --> 02:23:05,805
You're hearing his name a lot
more and more, and it's deserved.

2786
02:23:05,871 --> 02:23:06,771
It was great.

2787
02:23:06,838 --> 02:23:08,205
I gotta be honest, it was great.

2788
02:23:08,271 --> 02:23:10,571
Guys, don't go down.
Fucking show him the love.

2789
02:23:10,638 --> 02:23:11,638
It was great.

2790
02:23:11,705 --> 02:23:13,671
[audience cheers and applauds]

2791
02:23:13,738 --> 02:23:15,838
[Ross] Hey, hey, how about a hand
for this fucking guy?

2792
02:23:15,905 --> 02:23:17,238
- Kevin Hart.
- [Hart] Oh, shit.

2793
02:23:17,305 --> 02:23:19,305
- Thank you, Jeff.
- [Ross] Amazing show tonight.

2794
02:23:19,371 --> 02:23:22,571
Amazing host tonight.
Amazing host, Kevin Hart.

2795
02:23:22,638 --> 02:23:24,505
- Amazing.
- I appreciate you.

2796
02:23:24,571 --> 02:23:25,738
- [audience applauds]
- Amazing.

2797
02:23:25,805 --> 02:23:28,838
Oh, thank you, guys. I appreciate you.

2798
02:23:28,905 --> 02:23:30,538
We are having a good time.

2799
02:23:30,605 --> 02:23:32,038
Hey, my question is,

2800
02:23:32,105 --> 02:23:35,505
if Andrew is here,
then who's fixing the dog race?

2801
02:23:35,571 --> 02:23:37,438
Because they look like Andrew.

2802
02:23:37,505 --> 02:23:38,538
Just wait a second.

2803
02:23:38,605 --> 02:23:42,238
Andrew Schulz is looking so peculiar.

2804
02:23:42,305 --> 02:23:44,438
It's like, you just can't put
your fucking eyes on it.

2805
02:23:44,505 --> 02:23:46,171
What is it? I cracked the code.

2806
02:23:46,238 --> 02:23:48,705
Andrew looks like
a pedophile from the '30s.

2807
02:23:48,771 --> 02:23:51,771
- Like the 1930s, the guys with the weird...
- [audience laughs]

2808
02:23:51,838 --> 02:23:57,338
Or, Andrew Schulz looks like
a silent film porn star.

2809
02:23:57,405 --> 02:24:00,671
No noises, all faces and mustaches.

2810
02:24:00,738 --> 02:24:01,938
- That's it.
- [audience laughs]

2811
02:24:02,005 --> 02:24:04,838
Andrew Schulz is...
Andrew Schulz, here's what it is.

2812
02:24:04,905 --> 02:24:07,971
Andrew Schulz's dad,
I'm willing to bet, has a pizzeria,

2813
02:24:08,038 --> 02:24:11,271
but one of those pizzerias
with no pictures of Black celebrities.

2814
02:24:11,338 --> 02:24:14,338
It's just weird,
and you can't ask questions.

2815
02:24:14,405 --> 02:24:17,438
Andrew looks like...
You know what it is? Okay.

2816
02:24:17,505 --> 02:24:19,371
Andrew, you look like
you were in <i>Guys and Dolls,</i>

2817
02:24:19,438 --> 02:24:20,971
but you also look like you fucked them.

2818
02:24:21,038 --> 02:24:22,805
I got to be honest with you, Andrew.

2819
02:24:22,871 --> 02:24:24,771
- Looks like you do weird shit.
- [audience laughs]

2820
02:24:24,838 --> 02:24:27,871
Not just because of the mustache,
just because of your face.

2821
02:24:27,938 --> 02:24:31,805
Uh, Andrew is proof that once
you start pretending to be Black,

2822
02:24:31,871 --> 02:24:33,171
you will never go back.

2823
02:24:33,238 --> 02:24:35,438
He has been here for the entirety.

2824
02:24:35,505 --> 02:24:37,605
Andrew, they didn't like that.
I thought that was good.

2825
02:24:37,671 --> 02:24:40,038
They don't know the fucking,
like, 50 Cent history.

2826
02:24:40,105 --> 02:24:42,071
Yeah. No, they don't get it, Andrew.

2827
02:24:42,138 --> 02:24:44,105
I thought that one was gonna hit.

2828
02:24:44,171 --> 02:24:47,905
Like the Black shit you just did,
the concert, 50 came out.

2829
02:24:47,971 --> 02:24:50,138
All right,
I'll explain it to you later, I guess.

2830
02:24:50,205 --> 02:24:52,471
You understand what Andrew Schulz is.

2831
02:24:52,538 --> 02:24:55,738
He's a great guy, the culture loves him.
All right, I'm done explaining it.

2832
02:24:55,805 --> 02:24:57,138
Fuck you, Tom Brady.

2833
02:24:57,205 --> 02:24:58,671
All right. Uh...

2834
02:24:58,738 --> 02:25:00,571
Guys, listen, we are honored.

2835
02:25:00,638 --> 02:25:03,505
We are honored to have a living legend
in the building tonight,

2836
02:25:03,571 --> 02:25:04,905
and I do mean honored.

2837
02:25:04,971 --> 02:25:07,405
Listen, I want you to make
some Patriot noise,

2838
02:25:07,471 --> 02:25:09,938
some good noise, good noise,

2839
02:25:10,005 --> 02:25:13,005
for our Patriot owner,
Robert Kraft. Please.

2840
02:25:13,071 --> 02:25:15,205
- [audience cheers and applauds]
- [energetic music plays]

2841
02:25:26,271 --> 02:25:27,571
[energetic music fades]

2842
02:25:28,905 --> 02:25:33,771
{\an8}Tommy, thanks for having me here
at this unique experience.

2843
02:25:33,838 --> 02:25:38,938
{\an8}I thought I'd seen it all,
but this is special.

2844
02:25:39,005 --> 02:25:44,305
And you know the Patriots
are more than a football team for me.

2845
02:25:44,371 --> 02:25:46,171
They are family.

2846
02:25:46,238 --> 02:25:50,438
And guys, it's good...
So good to see all of you here again.

2847
02:25:50,505 --> 02:25:54,738
Thank you so much
for everything you did for us.

2848
02:25:54,805 --> 02:25:56,938
[audience cheers and applauds]

2849
02:25:57,005 --> 02:26:00,271
And you know, like many family reunions,

2850
02:26:00,938 --> 02:26:05,371
there's some people
I'm desperately trying to avoid.

2851
02:26:05,438 --> 02:26:07,005
[audience laughs]

2852
02:26:07,071 --> 02:26:10,838
Coach Belichick, good to see you.

2853
02:26:10,905 --> 02:26:14,438
You really look debonair in sleeves.

2854
02:26:14,505 --> 02:26:16,038
[audience laughs]

2855
02:26:16,105 --> 02:26:18,471
Tonight has really been funny,

2856
02:26:18,538 --> 02:26:22,471
but Julian, let's be honest and realistic.

2857
02:26:22,971 --> 02:26:25,471
I'm not inviting you to my funeral.

2858
02:26:25,538 --> 02:26:27,538
[audience laughs]

2859
02:26:29,105 --> 02:26:32,471
Tom, good luck buying the Raiders.

2860
02:26:32,971 --> 02:26:35,905
They did your favorite thing
for you already.

2861
02:26:36,371 --> 02:26:39,638
They got rid of Jimmy Garoppolo.

2862
02:26:39,705 --> 02:26:41,705
[audience laughs and applauds]

2863
02:26:45,138 --> 02:26:47,338
But in all seriousness...

2864
02:26:48,705 --> 02:26:52,871
Tommy and I...
This is very meaningful to me

2865
02:26:52,938 --> 02:26:55,738
because I remember him
coming down the stairs

2866
02:26:55,805 --> 02:26:59,938
at the old Foxboro Stadium 24 years ago.

2867
02:27:00,005 --> 02:27:02,138
[audience cheers]

2868
02:27:02,205 --> 02:27:08,071
It was built for $6 million.
It was not fancy like this place here.

2869
02:27:08,138 --> 02:27:13,771
But the first thing, he came down
with a pizza box under his arm

2870
02:27:13,838 --> 02:27:18,205
and said, "You know, I'm Tom Brady."
I said, "I know who you are.

2871
02:27:18,271 --> 02:27:22,771
You're our sixth-round draft choice.
Number 199."

2872
02:27:22,838 --> 02:27:25,271
He looked me straight in the eye
and he said:

2873
02:27:25,338 --> 02:27:31,105
"Yes, and I'm the best decision
this organization has ever made."

2874
02:27:31,171 --> 02:27:33,171
[audience cheers and applauds]

2875
02:27:35,905 --> 02:27:38,238
So nothing could be truer.

2876
02:27:38,938 --> 02:27:41,305
I want to raise this drink to you

2877
02:27:41,371 --> 02:27:45,005
and say you will always be special
to my family.

2878
02:27:45,071 --> 02:27:47,338
And I love you, Tommy.

2879
02:27:47,405 --> 02:27:49,205
[audience cheers and applauds]

2880
02:27:53,638 --> 02:27:55,805
And one more thing.

2881
02:27:56,471 --> 02:27:59,538
In case, Vladimir Putin, you're watching,

2882
02:27:59,605 --> 02:28:02,471
give me my fucking ring back, will you?

2883
02:28:02,538 --> 02:28:04,538
[audience cheers and applauds]

2884
02:28:15,271 --> 02:28:16,471
Wow.

2885
02:28:18,338 --> 02:28:20,571
Robert Kraft bringing the heat.

2886
02:28:20,638 --> 02:28:21,805
[audience cheers]

2887
02:28:22,771 --> 02:28:26,238
He wrote that, all of that himself.
He wouldn't let us give him anything.

2888
02:28:26,305 --> 02:28:27,438
That's all him.

2889
02:28:27,938 --> 02:28:31,138
That's right, Vladimir.
Give him the fucking ring.

2890
02:28:31,205 --> 02:28:33,205
[audience laughs]

2891
02:28:33,705 --> 02:28:35,005
I got you.

2892
02:28:35,071 --> 02:28:37,238
Yeah, no, Robert, I got you.
You already know.

2893
02:28:37,305 --> 02:28:38,738
I fucking got you.

2894
02:28:38,805 --> 02:28:42,571
No trashing Robert Kraft tonight.
Not on my watch.

2895
02:28:43,138 --> 02:28:45,205
Not on my watch. Not on my watch.

2896
02:28:45,271 --> 02:28:47,171
[audience applauds]

2897
02:28:48,071 --> 02:28:50,038
But Robert, I do have some questions.

2898
02:28:50,105 --> 02:28:52,405
[audience laughs]

2899
02:28:52,471 --> 02:28:55,505
I just... It's nothing.
It's just a question.

2900
02:28:56,071 --> 02:28:57,171
You and Bill... [chuckles]

2901
02:28:58,471 --> 02:29:01,905
You and Bill are so far apart
from each other.

2902
02:29:01,971 --> 02:29:03,171
I just feel like...

2903
02:29:04,105 --> 02:29:06,338
Why don't you take a shot together, man?

2904
02:29:07,205 --> 02:29:08,171
Yeah.

2905
02:29:08,238 --> 02:29:09,571
[audience cheers]

2906
02:29:09,638 --> 02:29:11,271
Yeah. Yeah.

2907
02:29:12,205 --> 02:29:14,905
Yeah. Robert wants to do it. Bill?

2908
02:29:15,638 --> 02:29:18,638
Let's make the uncomfortable
uncomfortable, right?

2909
02:29:20,438 --> 02:29:21,805
Pour Bill a shot.

2910
02:29:22,271 --> 02:29:26,605
No, no. No. Gronk, Gronk,
that little black cup right there.

2911
02:29:26,671 --> 02:29:30,238
The Gran Coramino cup.
Pour some of that in his cup.

2912
02:29:30,305 --> 02:29:33,205
Pour it in Bill's cup. In Bill's...
Goddamnit, Gronk.

2913
02:29:33,271 --> 02:29:34,138
Fuck!

2914
02:29:34,605 --> 02:29:35,505
Gronk!

2915
02:29:35,971 --> 02:29:39,071
[as Gronk] Pour the Gran Coramino
in his cup and have him take a shot.

2916
02:29:39,138 --> 02:29:40,671
- [Kraft] I love it.
- [Hart] Okay.

2917
02:29:40,738 --> 02:29:45,671
[in normal voice] Robert's here.
Wait, Bill... Don't move. Bill. Bill.

2918
02:29:45,738 --> 02:29:47,638
This is a big moment, Bill.

2919
02:29:47,705 --> 02:29:49,771
[audience cheers and applauds]

2920
02:29:53,071 --> 02:29:58,705
I want to say, this is the greatest coach
in the history of the game

2921
02:29:58,771 --> 02:30:01,738
that did what no one else has done.

2922
02:30:01,805 --> 02:30:04,638
And having Tom Brady and him

2923
02:30:04,705 --> 02:30:07,838
was the greatest honor
the good Lord gave me.

2924
02:30:07,905 --> 02:30:10,338
- So, cheers.
- Cheers.

2925
02:30:11,438 --> 02:30:13,238
Cheers. Let's go.

2926
02:30:14,238 --> 02:30:15,405
Drink it.

2927
02:30:16,538 --> 02:30:19,538
A Black man made that happen.

2928
02:30:19,605 --> 02:30:21,105
[audience cheers]

2929
02:30:21,171 --> 02:30:22,171
That's right.

2930
02:30:22,738 --> 02:30:23,971
That's right.

2931
02:30:24,438 --> 02:30:29,438
A Black man from North Philadelphia
took the racism out of Boston.

2932
02:30:30,771 --> 02:30:31,871
Ended a beef.

2933
02:30:31,938 --> 02:30:32,771
This was a beef.

2934
02:30:32,838 --> 02:30:35,238
By the way this beef is bigger
than Drake and Kendrick.

2935
02:30:35,305 --> 02:30:38,871
It's that big. Holy shit.
I can't believe they actually did it.

2936
02:30:38,938 --> 02:30:41,071
Good shit, Bill. Robert, good shit.

2937
02:30:41,138 --> 02:30:43,105
By the way, remind Robert where he is.

2938
02:30:43,171 --> 02:30:45,438
He may not remember in a second.

2939
02:30:45,505 --> 02:30:47,838
So when he gets to that seat,
tell him what he did.

2940
02:30:47,905 --> 02:30:50,171
'Cause that's my friend. He needs to know.

2941
02:30:50,971 --> 02:30:53,405
I love you. [laughs] I love you, Rob.

2942
02:30:54,205 --> 02:30:57,571
All right, guys, listen, we have
a very special guest here tonight, right?

2943
02:30:58,238 --> 02:30:59,805
This guest is a great friend of mine.

2944
02:30:59,871 --> 02:31:03,471
Uh, one of the most famous guys
from Boston. Seriously.

2945
02:31:03,538 --> 02:31:04,871
One of the most.

2946
02:31:05,538 --> 02:31:09,538
I would say there is only about
two or three,

2947
02:31:09,605 --> 02:31:12,671
but this guy here
in my opinion is the one.

2948
02:31:12,738 --> 02:31:15,238
Please show some love to Ben Affleck.

2949
02:31:15,305 --> 02:31:17,171
- [audience cheers]
- [rock music plays]

2950
02:31:27,971 --> 02:31:29,138
Thank you.

2951
02:31:30,071 --> 02:31:31,038
[rock music fades]

2952
02:31:31,105 --> 02:31:34,438
Wow. Got here just in time, I see.

2953
02:31:35,338 --> 02:31:37,338
{\an8}[clears throat] I, uh...

2954
02:31:38,138 --> 02:31:39,705
{\an8}- Tom, I gotta say...
- [audience cheers]

2955
02:31:39,771 --> 02:31:40,771
{\an8}How are you doing?

2956
02:31:41,705 --> 02:31:42,538
How are you?

2957
02:31:42,605 --> 02:31:43,438
[audience cheers]

2958
02:31:46,271 --> 02:31:50,138
This is pretty fucking ballsy of you.

2959
02:31:50,205 --> 02:31:52,238
Is life too fucking good?

2960
02:31:52,305 --> 02:31:55,438
You're like, "You know what, I'd like
someone to kick my ass for three hours."

2961
02:31:56,038 --> 02:31:57,771
Uh, is this...?

2962
02:31:57,838 --> 02:31:59,538
I gotta tell you, this settles it.

2963
02:31:59,605 --> 02:32:03,338
You won't find me volunteering
for the Ben Affleck Roast.

2964
02:32:03,405 --> 02:32:04,938
[audience laughs]

2965
02:32:05,071 --> 02:32:07,005
Or as I like to call it, Thursday.

2966
02:32:07,071 --> 02:32:08,038
Anyway...

2967
02:32:08,938 --> 02:32:12,071
Hi. You may know me as an extra

2968
02:32:12,138 --> 02:32:15,871
from Tom's Dunkin'
boy band Super Bowl commercial.

2969
02:32:15,938 --> 02:32:18,471
[audience cheers]

2970
02:32:18,538 --> 02:32:21,105
In fact, it was during that shoot
that Tom asked me

2971
02:32:21,171 --> 02:32:23,638
to look at his
social media accounts for him.

2972
02:32:23,705 --> 02:32:26,205
I guess for some reason
he thinks I get a lot of online criticism.

2973
02:32:26,271 --> 02:32:27,105
I do.

2974
02:32:27,171 --> 02:32:28,305
But I took a look at it.

2975
02:32:28,371 --> 02:32:31,371
And I gotta tell you,
I didn't even last two fucking hours.

2976
02:32:31,438 --> 02:32:35,938
It was the most toxic thing
I have ever experienced.

2977
02:32:36,005 --> 02:32:38,105
And that's saying something.

2978
02:32:38,738 --> 02:32:39,571
[clears throat]

2979
02:32:39,638 --> 02:32:46,138
For instance, here is one line, uh,
that I remember from Tall Boy Henry Bill...

2980
02:32:46,205 --> 02:32:47,905
There's a lot of L's in it, okay?

2981
02:32:48,538 --> 02:32:51,638
"Brady was just assistant quarterback
with no arm strength.

2982
02:32:51,705 --> 02:32:54,705
He's a whiny pussy with
a lot of protection from the refs.

2983
02:32:54,771 --> 02:32:57,671
He sucks. Fuck you. Fuck you, Tom Brady."

2984
02:32:57,738 --> 02:32:59,271
[audience laughs]

2985
02:32:59,338 --> 02:33:02,338
Thanks, Tall Boy Henry. Uh...

2986
02:33:02,405 --> 02:33:06,405
You guys out there, talking shit,
all right, behind your fucking keyboard.

2987
02:33:06,471 --> 02:33:08,171
That doesn't make you a fan.

2988
02:33:08,238 --> 02:33:09,938
That makes you a bitch.

2989
02:33:10,005 --> 02:33:12,105
[audience cheers and applauds]

2990
02:33:13,905 --> 02:33:17,471
Look, Tom started his career

2991
02:33:17,538 --> 02:33:22,105
as arguably the slowest,
least physically impressive non-kicker

2992
02:33:22,171 --> 02:33:26,271
ever to put on an NFL uniform,
including massage therapists.

2993
02:33:26,871 --> 02:33:28,171
I mean...

2994
02:33:29,138 --> 02:33:31,671
Look at the fucking guy.
You know what I mean?

2995
02:33:31,738 --> 02:33:33,405
He went to the Pro Bowl.

2996
02:33:33,471 --> 02:33:37,005
He started his career with the physique
of a professional bowler

2997
02:33:37,071 --> 02:33:38,471
with a smaller right arm.

2998
02:33:38,538 --> 02:33:39,371
[audience laughs]

2999
02:33:39,438 --> 02:33:41,605
Overcame all that to become the GOAT.

3000
02:33:41,671 --> 02:33:43,138
Tall Boy Henry, you didn't overcome...

3001
02:33:43,205 --> 02:33:45,671
You can't overcome
a modest fucking flight of stairs

3002
02:33:45,738 --> 02:33:47,205
without your rescue inhaler.

3003
02:33:47,271 --> 02:33:49,705
Fuck you, Tall Boy Henry. You suck.

3004
02:33:51,238 --> 02:33:53,138
- A bunch of football experts...
- [Hart] Get them.

3005
02:33:53,205 --> 02:33:54,805
Thank you, Kevin. I appreciate it.

3006
02:33:54,871 --> 02:33:58,138
A bunch of football experts
living on their aunt's couch,

3007
02:33:58,205 --> 02:34:02,205
saying like, "Oh, Tom, you should have
thrown to the slant receiver

3008
02:34:02,271 --> 02:34:03,605
against the Dolphins."

3009
02:34:03,671 --> 02:34:06,871
Or "Tom, you should have seen
the fucking quarterback

3010
02:34:06,938 --> 02:34:10,405
when you threw that pick six
in the Super Bowl against Atlanta."

3011
02:34:10,471 --> 02:34:12,438
Actually, you should have.
That was terrible.

3012
02:34:12,505 --> 02:34:15,771
You should have... There was
no excuse for that. [clears throat]

3013
02:34:16,405 --> 02:34:19,371
Maybe, yeah, just, you know...
No, I don't even know what to say.

3014
02:34:19,438 --> 02:34:22,471
But look, essentially, fans...
I get it, right?

3015
02:34:22,538 --> 02:34:23,671
They pay the salaries.

3016
02:34:23,738 --> 02:34:28,738
But could you imagine,
just try to think of a less rewarding,

3017
02:34:28,805 --> 02:34:33,738
more agonizing professional experience
than effectively working for somebody,

3018
02:34:33,805 --> 02:34:35,605
you go out and fucking kill it,

3019
02:34:35,671 --> 02:34:40,338
succeed every day to the degree,
that fucking level,

3020
02:34:40,405 --> 02:34:42,505
and you gotta go online
and read that shit.

3021
02:34:42,571 --> 02:34:47,371
I can't think of a more fucked up,
dysfunctional, horrible working system

3022
02:34:47,438 --> 02:34:50,638
designed to perpetually
make people feel awful.

3023
02:34:50,705 --> 02:34:51,605
You know what I mean?

3024
02:34:51,671 --> 02:34:55,271
You... What... Even the boss is always
that fucking much of a miserable prick,

3025
02:34:55,338 --> 02:34:56,971
and you can't do anything right...

3026
02:34:59,771 --> 02:35:01,305
[audience cheers]

3027
02:35:01,371 --> 02:35:04,005
I didn't know... I didn't know
you were gonna be here, Bill.

3028
02:35:06,371 --> 02:35:09,005
I actually... I actually can think of one.
[clears throat]

3029
02:35:09,605 --> 02:35:10,905
[audience laughs]

3030
02:35:10,971 --> 02:35:12,771
I want to ask you a question, okay?

3031
02:35:12,838 --> 02:35:15,271
Don't... It's not about Malcolm Butler.

3032
02:35:15,338 --> 02:35:19,205
There's no answer to that question.
It's just... [clears throat]

3033
02:35:19,271 --> 02:35:22,171
I get it. I know, I watched
the press conferences, you know.

3034
02:35:22,238 --> 02:35:24,505
You're not a talker, no chitchat.

3035
02:35:24,571 --> 02:35:26,971
[as Belichick] No comment,
moving on to Cincinnati.

3036
02:35:27,038 --> 02:35:29,038
[audience laughs]

3037
02:35:29,905 --> 02:35:32,438
I don't know how you get away
with that, honestly.

3038
02:35:32,505 --> 02:35:35,338
Like, in my business,
even if you make <i>Justice League,</i>

3039
02:35:35,405 --> 02:35:37,705
you don't think I want
to fucking move on to Cincinnati?

3040
02:35:37,771 --> 02:35:39,005
[audience laughs]

3041
02:35:39,071 --> 02:35:41,338
Anyway, I just, uh...

3042
02:35:41,405 --> 02:35:42,571
I just have this question,

3043
02:35:42,638 --> 02:35:47,038
and I guess, you know,
I think I'd like to get an answer.

3044
02:35:47,105 --> 02:35:50,338
It's pretty simple, you know,
we're not gonna move on.

3045
02:35:50,405 --> 02:35:52,638
I just... I got nowhere to go, you know?

3046
02:35:52,705 --> 02:35:54,371
I just want to know, like...

3047
02:35:55,471 --> 02:36:01,071
What the fuck does a guy have to do
to make Bill Belichick happy?

3048
02:36:01,138 --> 02:36:04,238
Like, fucking cure...
How about just to see some teeth?

3049
02:36:04,305 --> 02:36:06,405
Like, you gotta cure cancer?

3050
02:36:06,471 --> 02:36:09,471
And they're watching the Super Bowl,
Tom throws a touchdown pass.

3051
02:36:09,538 --> 02:36:13,271
You guys win again,
and Bill is looking at him like,

3052
02:36:13,338 --> 02:36:15,938
you know, fucking Tom shit in his cereal.

3053
02:36:16,005 --> 02:36:17,638
[audience laughs]

3054
02:36:20,605 --> 02:36:22,705
That was the look on your face.

3055
02:36:24,238 --> 02:36:28,571
Do you know what the look
on my face would be

3056
02:36:28,638 --> 02:36:33,138
if I was a football coach
and Tom Brady was my quarterback?

3057
02:36:37,471 --> 02:36:38,638
Thank you very much.

3058
02:36:38,705 --> 02:36:40,138
[audience cheers and applauds]

3059
02:36:50,138 --> 02:36:52,671
Another piece of white boy humor.

3060
02:36:52,738 --> 02:36:54,738
[audience laughs]

3061
02:36:57,271 --> 02:37:00,371
[Ross] This is the first time
I ever wished Netflix had commercials.

3062
02:37:00,438 --> 02:37:02,405
Oh. Jesus.

3063
02:37:03,005 --> 02:37:04,071
All right.

3064
02:37:04,138 --> 02:37:07,838
Guys, we are fucking
rearing the end of the show.

3065
02:37:07,905 --> 02:37:10,471
And by the way, at the end,
it just gets better

3066
02:37:10,538 --> 02:37:12,738
because this is a moment
that we've all been waiting for.

3067
02:37:12,805 --> 02:37:14,171
It's the main event.

3068
02:37:14,238 --> 02:37:16,938
By the main event, I do mean main event.

3069
02:37:17,005 --> 02:37:19,005
So do me a favor. Get on your feet

3070
02:37:19,071 --> 02:37:21,238
for the moment
that we've all been waiting for.

3071
02:37:21,305 --> 02:37:22,905
The man of the hour.

3072
02:37:22,971 --> 02:37:25,705
That's right, the fucking legend.

3073
02:37:25,771 --> 02:37:31,705
And when we talk about goddamn legends,
I'm talking about Peyton Manning!

3074
02:37:31,771 --> 02:37:33,771
- [audience cheers and applauds]
- [rave music plays]

3075
02:37:51,538 --> 02:37:52,638
[rave music fades]

3076
02:37:52,705 --> 02:37:53,738
Thank you very much.

3077
02:37:55,271 --> 02:37:56,571
{\an8}Thank you very much.

3078
02:37:56,638 --> 02:37:58,638
{\an8}[audience cheers]

3079
02:38:03,205 --> 02:38:04,171
Thank you, Kevin.

3080
02:38:04,671 --> 02:38:08,171
When Kevin reached out to me
about roasting Tom,

3081
02:38:08,238 --> 02:38:11,505
he told me he wanted me
to be a surprise at the end of the night.

3082
02:38:11,571 --> 02:38:15,238
And he also told me how desperate
Netflix was for downloads.

3083
02:38:15,305 --> 02:38:17,305
They said,
"Peyton, you gotta help us out."

3084
02:38:17,371 --> 02:38:19,371
Aaron Rodgers can't make it anymore.

3085
02:38:19,438 --> 02:38:22,205
No one really knows who Julian Edelman is.

3086
02:38:22,271 --> 02:38:23,571
[audience laughs]

3087
02:38:23,638 --> 02:38:26,738
And Gronkowski
probably can't read a teleprompter.

3088
02:38:26,805 --> 02:38:28,671
[audience laughs]

3089
02:38:28,738 --> 02:38:31,938
How great is Rob Gronkowski?
When I think of Gronk...

3090
02:38:32,005 --> 02:38:34,071
[audience cheers and applauds]

3091
02:38:35,705 --> 02:38:38,338
When I think of Gronk,
I really think of firsts.

3092
02:38:38,405 --> 02:38:42,271
He is the first tight end to lead the NFL
in receiving touchdowns.

3093
02:38:42,338 --> 02:38:45,271
He's going to be
a first-ballot Hall of Famer.

3094
02:38:45,338 --> 02:38:47,471
[audience cheers and applauds]

3095
02:38:47,538 --> 02:38:51,471
And by the looks of him,
his parents were first cousins.

3096
02:38:52,038 --> 02:38:54,038
[audience laughs]

3097
02:38:54,505 --> 02:38:58,371
It is great to see
the greatest coach in NFL history,

3098
02:38:58,438 --> 02:39:00,571
Coach Bill Belichick here.

3099
02:39:00,638 --> 02:39:02,638
[audience cheers and applauds]

3100
02:39:04,605 --> 02:39:05,805
For those that don't know,

3101
02:39:05,871 --> 02:39:08,038
coach is gonna be doing some work
on Eli and my

3102
02:39:08,105 --> 02:39:09,705
<i>Monday Night Football</i> show this year.

3103
02:39:09,771 --> 02:39:12,005
I gotta tell you, it's gonna be awesome.

3104
02:39:12,071 --> 02:39:16,438
Eli and I are super excited.
And it's gonna give Coach Belichick

3105
02:39:16,505 --> 02:39:18,171
something he hasn't had in a while.

3106
02:39:18,238 --> 02:39:21,105
The chance to be around quarterbacks
that he respects.

3107
02:39:21,171 --> 02:39:22,371
[audience laughs]

3108
02:39:31,571 --> 02:39:35,371
Honestly, it is great to be
with a bunch of people sitting around,

3109
02:39:35,438 --> 02:39:37,671
talking smack about Tom Brady,

3110
02:39:37,738 --> 02:39:40,771
or as we call that
in the Manning family, Thanksgiving.

3111
02:39:40,838 --> 02:39:42,338
[audience laughs and applauds]

3112
02:39:44,305 --> 02:39:47,871
True story, after spending
several Thanksgivings with my parents,

3113
02:39:47,938 --> 02:39:50,638
my kids now excuse themselves
to use the bathroom

3114
02:39:50,705 --> 02:39:53,138
by saying "I have to go take a Brady."

3115
02:39:53,205 --> 02:39:55,205
[audience laughs]

3116
02:39:58,638 --> 02:40:03,071
In all seriousness, let me tell you
about Tom Brady the man.

3117
02:40:03,138 --> 02:40:06,771
Tom is making a donation to every one
of his former teammates' charities

3118
02:40:06,838 --> 02:40:08,171
that came here tonight.

3119
02:40:08,238 --> 02:40:10,638
I gotta tell you, Tom,
that is first class.

3120
02:40:10,705 --> 02:40:12,871
[audience cheers and applauds]

3121
02:40:16,205 --> 02:40:18,671
Hey, fellas,
don't let him pay you in crypto.

3122
02:40:18,738 --> 02:40:19,905
[audience laughs]

3123
02:40:20,571 --> 02:40:23,938
Tom, even though we were bitter rivals,
we've become really good friends.

3124
02:40:24,005 --> 02:40:25,938
And I appreciate our friendship.

3125
02:40:26,005 --> 02:40:28,705
Although Tom and I
are still very different.

3126
02:40:28,771 --> 02:40:33,305
Like my idea of a fun Saturday night
is going to a local bar with my friends,

3127
02:40:33,371 --> 02:40:34,671
shooting a little pool.

3128
02:40:34,738 --> 02:40:38,205
While Tom's idea of a fun Saturday night
is going to the Met Gala

3129
02:40:38,271 --> 02:40:41,038
dressed as the most fabulous general
on the Death Star.

3130
02:40:41,105 --> 02:40:43,105
[audience laughs]

3131
02:40:51,005 --> 02:40:54,138
My idea of dinner is Applebee's.

3132
02:40:54,205 --> 02:40:58,271
Tom's idea of dinner
is eating apples and bees.

3133
02:40:58,338 --> 02:40:59,405
[audience laughs]

3134
02:40:59,471 --> 02:41:03,871
Of course, we all know Tom
has five more Super Bowl rings than I do.

3135
02:41:03,938 --> 02:41:06,838
He also has more touchdowns.

3136
02:41:07,505 --> 02:41:10,338
He also has more touchdowns than I do,

3137
02:41:10,405 --> 02:41:13,605
more passing yards, more retirements...

3138
02:41:13,671 --> 02:41:14,971
[audience laughs]

3139
02:41:15,038 --> 02:41:16,405
...more fake hair.

3140
02:41:16,471 --> 02:41:17,938
[audience laughs]

3141
02:41:18,005 --> 02:41:21,805
More TB12 bankruptcies.
That is all true, okay.

3142
02:41:22,271 --> 02:41:26,805
But I remember once that Tom told me,
"Peyton, numbers don't matter."

3143
02:41:27,305 --> 02:41:29,838
Sure, it was right before he deleted
every number in his phone

3144
02:41:29,905 --> 02:41:32,838
because NFL investigators
were about to kick down his door.

3145
02:41:32,905 --> 02:41:34,638
[audience laughs]

3146
02:41:34,705 --> 02:41:36,805
But it was still nice of him to say.

3147
02:41:37,805 --> 02:41:40,605
One thing that Tom and I
definitely have in common, though,

3148
02:41:40,671 --> 02:41:42,971
is our love of the game of golf.

3149
02:41:43,038 --> 02:41:46,371
And listen, not to brag,
we're both pretty good players.

3150
02:41:46,438 --> 02:41:48,605
My handicap is a 6.4,

3151
02:41:48,671 --> 02:41:52,471
while Tom's handicap is blowing leads
in the Super Bowl to my brother, Eli.

3152
02:41:52,538 --> 02:41:53,838
[audience laughs]

3153
02:41:58,705 --> 02:42:02,805
But look, I want nothing
but the best for my friend, Tom Brady.

3154
02:42:02,871 --> 02:42:05,105
Now that we're both in broadcasting,

3155
02:42:05,171 --> 02:42:09,371
some people think it's a rivalry again,
that I want to see Tom fail.

3156
02:42:09,438 --> 02:42:12,805
That I want to see him
embarrass himself and get fired.

3157
02:42:12,871 --> 02:42:17,138
That is absolutely ridiculous.
It's Coach Belichick who wants that.

3158
02:42:17,205 --> 02:42:19,538
[audience laughs]

3159
02:42:19,605 --> 02:42:20,638
Ladies and gentlemen,

3160
02:42:20,705 --> 02:42:24,805
it is almost time for the guest of honor
to defend himself.

3161
02:42:24,871 --> 02:42:25,871
The last time...

3162
02:42:25,938 --> 02:42:27,005
[audience cheers]

3163
02:42:27,071 --> 02:42:30,438
The last time Tom Brady had to wait
this long to get on stage,

3164
02:42:30,505 --> 02:42:32,705
it was the 2000 NFL draft.

3165
02:42:32,771 --> 02:42:34,771
[audience laughs]

3166
02:42:38,205 --> 02:42:41,671
He is a three-time Super Bowl loser.

3167
02:42:41,738 --> 02:42:43,971
Please welcome, Tom Brady!

3168
02:42:44,038 --> 02:42:46,471
<i>♪ Allow me to reintroduce myself ♪</i>

3169
02:42:46,538 --> 02:42:49,671
<i>♪ My name is Hov, H to the O-V ♪</i>

3170
02:42:49,738 --> 02:42:52,305
<i>♪ I used to move snowflakes by the O-Z ♪</i>

3171
02:42:52,371 --> 02:42:54,938
<i>♪ I guess even back then you can call me ♪</i>

3172
02:42:55,005 --> 02:42:57,571
<i>♪ CEO of the R-O-C, Hov ♪</i>

3173
02:42:57,638 --> 02:42:59,771
<i>♪ Fresh out the frying pan into the fire ♪</i>

3174
02:42:59,838 --> 02:43:02,605
<i>♪ I be the music biz number one supplier</i> ♪

3175
02:43:02,671 --> 02:43:05,071
<i>♪ Flier than a piece of paper
Bearing my name ♪</i>

3176
02:43:05,138 --> 02:43:08,205
<i>♪ Got the hottest chick in the game
Wearing my chain, that's right ♪</i>

3177
02:43:08,271 --> 02:43:10,505
<i>♪ Hov, not DOC ♪</i>

3178
02:43:11,405 --> 02:43:13,405
[audience cheering]

3179
02:43:13,838 --> 02:43:14,805
Thank you.

3180
02:43:14,871 --> 02:43:16,871
[audience cheering]

3181
02:43:19,871 --> 02:43:23,505
- [chanting] <i>Brady! Brady! Brady! Brady!</i>
- Oh, thank you.

3182
02:43:23,571 --> 02:43:26,838
- <i>Brady! Brady! Brady!</i>
- Thank you.

3183
02:43:26,905 --> 02:43:29,238
<i>Brady! Brady!</i>

3184
02:43:29,305 --> 02:43:30,605
I've had a lot of tequila.

3185
02:43:30,671 --> 02:43:33,571
I've been up here for two hours
listening to a bunch of shitty jokes.

3186
02:43:33,638 --> 02:43:35,205
[audience laughs]

3187
02:43:35,271 --> 02:43:37,805
Where the fuck did Peyton
just walk off the stage?

3188
02:43:37,871 --> 02:43:39,838
[audience laughs]

3189
02:43:39,905 --> 02:43:44,171
Peyton, thank you so much
for coming out to L.A. to do this.

3190
02:43:44,238 --> 02:43:49,005
I know sometimes you live in Denver
and sometimes you live in Louisiana,

3191
02:43:49,071 --> 02:43:51,605
but you'll always live in my shadow.

3192
02:43:51,671 --> 02:43:53,471
[audience laughs and applauds]

3193
02:44:00,571 --> 02:44:06,471
When I heard there was a slow white Bronco
heading down the 405 to come here tonight,

3194
02:44:06,538 --> 02:44:10,971
I thought we might actually see
a real football legend.

3195
02:44:11,038 --> 02:44:13,038
[audience laughs]

3196
02:44:18,005 --> 02:44:20,605
Peyton and I, we go way back.

3197
02:44:20,671 --> 02:44:22,171
When we started playing,

3198
02:44:22,238 --> 02:44:25,371
Brett Favre was still faxing
his dick pics.

3199
02:44:25,438 --> 02:44:27,438
[audience laughs]

3200
02:44:27,938 --> 02:44:31,438
And Antonio Cromartie only had one kid.

3201
02:44:31,505 --> 02:44:33,171
[audience laughs]

3202
02:44:34,471 --> 02:44:37,671
Well, folks, here we are once again,

3203
02:44:37,738 --> 02:44:41,771
a packed arena, five minutes on the clock.

3204
02:44:41,838 --> 02:44:44,205
Everything on the line.

3205
02:44:44,271 --> 02:44:46,271
[audience cheers and applauds]

3206
02:44:49,505 --> 02:44:51,471
We need a hero.

3207
02:44:51,538 --> 02:44:53,338
Someone to come from behind

3208
02:44:53,405 --> 02:44:55,905
and pull this clusterfuck
out of the toilet.

3209
02:44:55,971 --> 02:44:58,338
What the fuck
did you guys do here tonight?

3210
02:45:00,438 --> 02:45:05,205
Looks like it's time
for Thomas Edward Patrick Brady Jr...

3211
02:45:05,271 --> 02:45:07,271
[audience cheers and applauds]

3212
02:45:08,171 --> 02:45:10,738
...to step up and lead us to glory.

3213
02:45:10,805 --> 02:45:16,771
Because you and I know and
everyone in this dump knows he can do it.

3214
02:45:17,771 --> 02:45:21,271
Yep, the word "hero" comes to mind.

3215
02:45:21,338 --> 02:45:23,338
[audience laughs]

3216
02:45:24,405 --> 02:45:26,038
But I struggle with that word.

3217
02:45:27,171 --> 02:45:28,638
Because like the rest of America,

3218
02:45:28,705 --> 02:45:33,805
I'll always remember where I was
that fateful day in September of 2001,

3219
02:45:33,871 --> 02:45:39,071
when tragically, those two jets
slammed into Drew Bledsoe.

3220
02:45:39,138 --> 02:45:41,138
[audience groans and applauds]

3221
02:45:51,671 --> 02:45:55,071
Jeff Ross, I want to thank you
for talking me into doing this.

3222
02:45:55,138 --> 02:45:58,505
Another thing that I'm great at. Who knew?

3223
02:45:58,571 --> 02:45:59,538
[audience cheers]

3224
02:45:59,605 --> 02:46:01,605
Oh, yeah. I did.

3225
02:46:01,671 --> 02:46:03,671
[audience laughs]

3226
02:46:04,105 --> 02:46:09,471
Because I'm about to replace you
as the greatest roaster of all time.

3227
02:46:09,538 --> 02:46:10,871
[audience cheers and applauds]

3228
02:46:10,938 --> 02:46:15,338
So hit the bench, Jeff.
Tonight you're Jew Bledsoe.

3229
02:46:15,405 --> 02:46:17,038
[audience laughs]

3230
02:46:21,571 --> 02:46:26,271
People ask, "Tom,
why would you do this roast now?"

3231
02:46:26,805 --> 02:46:29,738
It's simple. I can take all the hits.

3232
02:46:29,805 --> 02:46:31,271
I would have done this earlier,

3233
02:46:31,338 --> 02:46:34,171
but I've just been too busy
winning championships.

3234
02:46:34,238 --> 02:46:36,238
[audience cheers and applauds]

3235
02:46:38,238 --> 02:46:41,671
Which explains why Peyton
did this roast eight years ago.

3236
02:46:41,738 --> 02:46:43,205
[audience groans]

3237
02:46:43,271 --> 02:46:46,038
So let's fucking go!

3238
02:46:46,105 --> 02:46:48,105
[audience cheers and applauds]

3239
02:46:52,005 --> 02:46:54,805
I've heard some people
talk about me having bad knees.

3240
02:46:54,871 --> 02:46:57,705
You know why my knees
are so fucked up, Kevin?

3241
02:46:58,271 --> 02:47:02,271
Because I spent so many
goddamn hours on the floor

3242
02:47:02,338 --> 02:47:05,105
begging Netflix
to get Chappelle to host this.

3243
02:47:05,171 --> 02:47:06,505
[audience laughs]

3244
02:47:06,571 --> 02:47:08,771
Yeah. Fuck you, Kevin.

3245
02:47:08,838 --> 02:47:10,671
[audience cheers and applauds]

3246
02:47:15,805 --> 02:47:17,405
Sit your ass down. Let's go.

3247
02:47:19,605 --> 02:47:22,205
Professor Gronkowski.

3248
02:47:23,571 --> 02:47:24,471
My boy.

3249
02:47:25,171 --> 02:47:26,771
Thank you for being here.

3250
02:47:26,838 --> 02:47:29,171
Despite everything
we've seen here tonight,

3251
02:47:29,238 --> 02:47:32,471
Gronk was actually useful on the field,

3252
02:47:32,538 --> 02:47:37,438
although the bar for Patriot tight ends
was pretty low back then.

3253
02:47:37,505 --> 02:47:40,338
Block, catch, don't murder.

3254
02:47:40,405 --> 02:47:42,405
[audience laughs]

3255
02:47:52,105 --> 02:47:54,271
-Thanks to me,
-[inaudible dialogue]

3256
02:47:54,338 --> 02:47:55,838
Gronk was so beloved

3257
02:47:55,905 --> 02:47:59,438
there's a baby rhino
in the Tampa Zoo named after him.

3258
02:47:59,505 --> 02:48:04,438
And Gronk, I'm here to say
you are not the father.

3259
02:48:04,505 --> 02:48:06,205
[audience laughs]

3260
02:48:06,271 --> 02:48:08,205
You can stop sending those checks.

3261
02:48:08,271 --> 02:48:09,971
[audience laughs]

3262
02:48:10,038 --> 02:48:11,705
Oh, I fucked that rhino.

3263
02:48:13,605 --> 02:48:18,671
When you're Tom Brady,
you're not only feared, you're envied.

3264
02:48:18,738 --> 02:48:21,838
People want to be you. Right, Julian?

3265
02:48:22,538 --> 02:48:24,871
[audience laughs]

3266
02:48:24,938 --> 02:48:28,505
Bro, you can live in my guest house,
swim in my pool,

3267
02:48:28,571 --> 02:48:30,205
try on my fucking jock,

3268
02:48:30,271 --> 02:48:32,838
or any other sick shit you do
when I'm not around.

3269
02:48:32,905 --> 02:48:35,605
But you're a fucking stalker, bro.

3270
02:48:36,238 --> 02:48:40,038
You'll never be me, ever. Ever.

3271
02:48:40,105 --> 02:48:43,938
No, you can date a model or four,
steal my cologne,

3272
02:48:44,005 --> 02:48:48,005
actively lobby to get Peyton Manning
removed from the Hall of Fame...

3273
02:48:48,071 --> 02:48:48,905
[audience laughs]

3274
02:48:48,971 --> 02:48:51,838
...but you'll never be me.

3275
02:48:52,538 --> 02:48:54,305
[audience cheers]

3276
02:48:54,371 --> 02:48:55,671
[Hart] True.

3277
02:48:57,438 --> 02:49:00,538
By the way,
I want to set the record straight.

3278
02:49:00,605 --> 02:49:03,505
Certain haters, you've been up here
talking shit about me

3279
02:49:03,571 --> 02:49:05,838
not having any Black receivers.

3280
02:49:05,905 --> 02:49:07,205
I never noticed.

3281
02:49:07,271 --> 02:49:09,705
White players, Black players...

3282
02:49:09,771 --> 02:49:12,038
[audience laughs]

3283
02:49:12,105 --> 02:49:17,638
Even if I take their job while lying in
a fucking hospital bed coughing up blood,

3284
02:49:17,705 --> 02:49:20,971
they all get rings when they play
with Tom Brady, right, Drew?

3285
02:49:21,038 --> 02:49:23,038
[audience cheers and applauds]

3286
02:49:25,571 --> 02:49:27,138
Unless you're Randy Moss.

3287
02:49:27,205 --> 02:49:29,271
[audience laughs]

3288
02:49:29,338 --> 02:49:32,205
Can you believe that guy up here
begging me:

3289
02:49:32,271 --> 02:49:34,538
"T-boy, give me one of your rings."

3290
02:49:34,605 --> 02:49:38,271
Give you a ring? Bitch, please,
you'll be lucky if I sent you a text.

3291
02:49:38,805 --> 02:49:40,805
[audience laughs]

3292
02:49:47,171 --> 02:49:51,305
I'm not sitting on some plank
trying to hook me a catfish.

3293
02:49:51,371 --> 02:49:53,771
I'm Tom Brady. I got shit to do.

3294
02:49:56,905 --> 02:49:59,271
Where'd Ben Affleck go?
Look at Ben Affleck.

3295
02:49:59,838 --> 02:50:02,738
He's a huge movie star.

3296
02:50:02,805 --> 02:50:06,371
<i>Jersey Girl, Phantom, Batman...</i>

3297
02:50:06,438 --> 02:50:08,271
[laughs]

3298
02:50:08,338 --> 02:50:10,338
[audience laughs]

3299
02:50:11,938 --> 02:50:14,605
And he's here defending me?

3300
02:50:14,671 --> 02:50:18,505
And when has Ben Affleck
ever made a bad decision?

3301
02:50:18,571 --> 02:50:20,571
[audience laughs]

3302
02:50:22,805 --> 02:50:27,271
Glaser, Schulz, Hinchcliffe,
two racist bears.

3303
02:50:27,338 --> 02:50:30,938
Who picked this shitty lineup?
The New York Jets front office?

3304
02:50:31,005 --> 02:50:33,071
[audience laughs]

3305
02:50:33,138 --> 02:50:34,638
Nice fucking haircut.

3306
02:50:37,238 --> 02:50:39,538
But I'm not gonna say shit about Sam Jay

3307
02:50:39,605 --> 02:50:42,571
because she looks like that
fucking dude who shredded my ACL.

3308
02:50:42,638 --> 02:50:44,638
[audience laughs]

3309
02:50:49,371 --> 02:50:50,805
I don't care if you're from Boston.

3310
02:50:50,871 --> 02:50:52,871
[audience laughs]

3311
02:50:53,638 --> 02:50:57,471
Kim Kardashian,
thank you so much for being here.

3312
02:50:57,538 --> 02:50:58,971
[audience cheers]

3313
02:50:59,038 --> 02:51:02,538
I know Kim was terrified
to be here tonight.

3314
02:51:03,305 --> 02:51:07,171
Not because of this, but because
her kids are at home with their dad.

3315
02:51:07,238 --> 02:51:08,338
[audience laughs]

3316
02:51:14,438 --> 02:51:16,105
[audience cheers]]

3317
02:51:24,305 --> 02:51:28,338
We got so many
great football greats here tonight.

3318
02:51:29,371 --> 02:51:31,538
But where's Roger Goodell?

3319
02:51:32,305 --> 02:51:34,271
[audience boos]

3320
02:51:35,371 --> 02:51:36,338
I know.

3321
02:51:37,305 --> 02:51:39,505
Remember Deflategate?

3322
02:51:40,138 --> 02:51:46,771
The NFL spent $20 million
and found it was more "probable" than not

3323
02:51:46,838 --> 02:51:52,505
that I was "generally" aware that someone
may have deflated my footballs.

3324
02:51:52,571 --> 02:51:54,605
You could have just given me
the $20 million,

3325
02:51:54,671 --> 02:51:56,705
and I would have just told you
I fucking did it.

3326
02:51:56,771 --> 02:51:58,771
[audience laughs]

3327
02:52:06,805 --> 02:52:09,871
That's the way it goes.
You know what I'm saying, boys?

3328
02:52:11,171 --> 02:52:12,271
You know what I'm saying?

3329
02:52:15,738 --> 02:52:19,305
But I don't want to get the NFL too upset.

3330
02:52:19,371 --> 02:52:21,338
I'm trying to buy a piece of the Raiders.

3331
02:52:21,405 --> 02:52:24,171
I'm tired of owning
just the Colts and the Bills.

3332
02:52:24,238 --> 02:52:26,238
[audience laughs]

3333
02:52:29,471 --> 02:52:33,338
Buffalo fans call themselves
the Bills Mafia?

3334
02:52:33,871 --> 02:52:35,738
How are you the fucking mafia?

3335
02:52:35,805 --> 02:52:39,005
At least the mafia
has a ring you can kiss.

3336
02:52:39,071 --> 02:52:41,405
[audience laughs]

3337
02:52:44,038 --> 02:52:47,271
And while we're at it, screw Colts fans.

3338
02:52:47,338 --> 02:52:49,738
Colts are just Broncos who don't fuck.

3339
02:52:49,805 --> 02:52:51,971
[audience laughs]

3340
02:52:57,338 --> 02:53:00,838
Kansas City,
you say your stadium is the loudest?

3341
02:53:01,371 --> 02:53:04,205
It helps when all your fans
are 14-year-old girls.

3342
02:53:04,271 --> 02:53:06,338
[audience laughs]

3343
02:53:10,805 --> 02:53:15,671
And in honor of Tay Tay,
let's take a look at the Chiefs' eras.

3344
02:53:15,738 --> 02:53:19,905
Terrible for 50 years, good for five.
Shake it off.

3345
02:53:19,971 --> 02:53:21,971
[audience cheers and applauds]

3346
02:53:27,771 --> 02:53:30,771
Philly fans are just racist assholes.

3347
02:53:32,171 --> 02:53:34,271
But Kevin Hart is from there, so I get it.

3348
02:53:34,338 --> 02:53:35,571
[audience laughs]

3349
02:53:35,638 --> 02:53:37,005
Yeah, fuck you, Kevin.

3350
02:53:37,071 --> 02:53:39,338
[audience laughs]

3351
02:53:41,605 --> 02:53:44,571
In Philly, they have to grease up
the light poles,

3352
02:53:44,638 --> 02:53:47,338
so people don't climb them after games.

3353
02:53:47,405 --> 02:53:49,338
You know how they grease up those poles?

3354
02:53:49,405 --> 02:53:52,505
They rub someone
from Philadelphia on them.

3355
02:53:52,571 --> 02:53:54,571
[audience laughs]

3356
02:53:56,071 --> 02:53:58,071
And Giants fans...

3357
02:53:58,838 --> 02:54:01,771
fuck Eli and fuck you, twice.

3358
02:54:01,838 --> 02:54:03,838
[audience laughs]

3359
02:54:08,171 --> 02:54:14,238
And now for the real reason
you're all here, Coach Bill Belichick.

3360
02:54:14,305 --> 02:54:16,305
[audience cheers]

3361
02:54:19,605 --> 02:54:23,005
Everybody asks me
which ring is my favorite.

3362
02:54:23,071 --> 02:54:25,638
I used to say "the next one."

3363
02:54:25,705 --> 02:54:27,138
But now that I'm retired,

3364
02:54:27,205 --> 02:54:30,205
my favorite ring is the camera
that caught Coach Belichick

3365
02:54:30,271 --> 02:54:33,705
slinking out of that poor girl's house
at 6 a.m. a few months ago.

3366
02:54:33,771 --> 02:54:36,338
[audience laughs]

3367
02:54:37,238 --> 02:54:39,871
Hey, you still got it.

3368
02:54:39,938 --> 02:54:42,038
[audience laughs and applauds]

3369
02:54:43,271 --> 02:54:44,605
Respect, baby.

3370
02:54:49,105 --> 02:54:50,671
[inaudible dialogue]

3371
02:54:51,905 --> 02:54:53,838
You know, we've been through so much.

3372
02:54:53,905 --> 02:54:58,471
And after two decades, I finally had
to admit that all along, it was you.

3373
02:54:58,538 --> 02:55:00,738
You're the reason
for the Patriots' dynasty

3374
02:55:00,805 --> 02:55:06,338
because you, Bill Belichick,
you are a true coaching genius.

3375
02:55:06,405 --> 02:55:07,971
I mean, you had to choose

3376
02:55:08,038 --> 02:55:12,105
between an aging injured,
overpaid Drew Bledsoe,

3377
02:55:12,171 --> 02:55:15,671
and a young healthy,
minimum-wage superstar.

3378
02:55:16,338 --> 02:55:20,605
I could have got a fucking coach
from Foxborough fucking High School

3379
02:55:20,671 --> 02:55:21,938
to make that decision.

3380
02:55:22,005 --> 02:55:23,771
Run it again, Belichick.

3381
02:55:24,338 --> 02:55:26,338
[audience laughs]

3382
02:55:30,871 --> 02:55:33,638
I've been out of the game for a minute,
so I'm curious.

3383
02:55:33,705 --> 02:55:36,505
How many Super Bowl rings
have you won since I left?

3384
02:55:37,138 --> 02:55:39,138
[audience groans]

3385
02:55:40,671 --> 02:55:42,905
Maybe it's not just
the guy on the sideline.

3386
02:55:42,971 --> 02:55:45,638
When I go to the Indy 500,
I don't ask the winning driver:

3387
02:55:45,705 --> 02:55:48,071
"Hey, who gassed up your car?"

3388
02:55:48,138 --> 02:55:50,138
[audience laughs]

3389
02:55:54,305 --> 02:55:56,338
There have been a lot of jokes tonight,

3390
02:55:56,405 --> 02:56:00,038
but the truth is
I miss the love of my life...

3391
02:56:00,938 --> 02:56:01,805
football.

3392
02:56:01,871 --> 02:56:03,871
[audience cheers and applauds]

3393
02:56:08,971 --> 02:56:12,605
So to my fans,
it's been an honor to be your guy

3394
02:56:12,671 --> 02:56:15,671
that you can count on
to get the team down the field

3395
02:56:15,738 --> 02:56:19,571
and somehow pull off
a last-minute miracle victory.

3396
02:56:19,638 --> 02:56:22,905
What's called in football "a Tom Brady."

3397
02:56:22,971 --> 02:56:24,671
[audience cheers]

3398
02:56:26,105 --> 02:56:27,938
And to all the rest of you

3399
02:56:28,005 --> 02:56:31,805
who have been talking shit about me
for 20 fucking years,

3400
02:56:31,871 --> 02:56:33,638
I got one thing to say.

3401
02:56:36,638 --> 02:56:40,171
Lose my number. Fuck them all, baby!

3402
02:56:40,238 --> 02:56:42,071
[audience cheers and applauds]

3403
02:56:52,971 --> 02:56:58,671
Get on your fucking feet one time
for the GOAT himself,

3404
02:56:59,271 --> 02:57:00,871
Tom Brady.

3405
02:57:01,438 --> 02:57:04,371
Now, Tom, one second.

3406
02:57:04,905 --> 02:57:07,771
Before we end the night
in amazing cheers, one second.

3407
02:57:09,405 --> 02:57:10,538
One quick second.

3408
02:57:11,005 --> 02:57:12,438
All right, Tom, this is a me thing.

3409
02:57:12,505 --> 02:57:14,905
I was like, all right, if I'm gonna do it,

3410
02:57:14,971 --> 02:57:16,971
well, Tom has to leave
with something impactful

3411
02:57:17,038 --> 02:57:20,471
to match the energy of the success
that he's had along the years.

3412
02:57:20,538 --> 02:57:24,405
So Tom, what we decided to do
was add another ring.

3413
02:57:24,471 --> 02:57:27,405
Goddamnit, Tom,
you deserve another fucking ring.

3414
02:57:27,471 --> 02:57:30,571
But a ring fitted
for a GOAT like yourself.

3415
02:57:30,638 --> 02:57:32,005
- Put it on.
- Oh, I love that.

3416
02:57:32,071 --> 02:57:33,771
That's right, put it fucking on.

3417
02:57:33,838 --> 02:57:35,138
Ladies and gentlemen,

3418
02:57:35,971 --> 02:57:37,405
that's Tom fucking Brady.

3419
02:57:37,471 --> 02:57:42,438
And this is a live event on Netflix.
And you are a live crowd in the Forum.

3420
02:57:42,505 --> 02:57:45,138
And we have a dais full of fucking hits.

3421
02:57:45,205 --> 02:57:47,205
Thank you all for watching!

3422
02:57:47,271 --> 02:57:49,171
Thank you all for supporting.

3423
02:57:49,238 --> 02:57:51,671
More importantly, thank you for laughing.

3424
02:57:51,738 --> 02:57:54,071
I love you guys so much. Good night.

3425
02:57:54,138 --> 02:57:56,771
<i>♪ Another one gone
Another one bites the dust ♪</i>

3426
02:57:56,838 --> 02:57:58,638
[audience cheers and applauds]

3427
02:57:59,838 --> 02:58:01,571
<i>♪ Another one bites the dust ♪</i>

3428
02:58:02,671 --> 02:58:04,471
<i>♪ Shoot out ♪</i>

3429
02:58:06,071 --> 02:58:08,038
[inaudible dialogue]

3430
02:58:10,005 --> 02:58:11,938
<i>♪ All right ♪</i>

3431
02:58:17,905 --> 02:58:19,538
<i>- ♪ I'm the GOAT ♪
- ♪ Hey! ♪</i>

3432
02:58:19,605 --> 02:58:21,238
<i>- ♪ I'm the GOAT ♪
- ♪ Hey! ♪</i>

3433
02:58:21,305 --> 02:58:22,938
<i>- ♪ I'm the GOAT ♪
- ♪ Hey! ♪</i>

3434
02:58:23,005 --> 02:58:25,138
<i>♪ I'm the GOAT
Greatest of all time ♪</i>

3435
02:58:25,205 --> 02:58:26,705
<i>- ♪ I'm the GOAT ♪
- ♪ Hey! ♪</i>

3436
02:58:26,771 --> 02:58:28,105
<i>- ♪ I'm the GOAT ♪
- ♪ Hey! ♪</i>

3437
02:58:28,171 --> 02:58:29,805
<i>- ♪ I'm the GOAT ♪
- ♪ Hey! ♪</i>

3438
02:58:29,871 --> 02:58:32,671
<i>♪ I'm the GOAT
Greatest of all time ♪</i>

3439
02:58:32,738 --> 02:58:35,305
<i>♪ I don't know who told you different
I worked hard for this ♪</i>

3440
02:58:35,371 --> 02:58:38,805
<i>♪ Sacrificed so much to make it here
I came too far for this ♪</i>

3441
02:58:38,871 --> 02:58:42,205
<i>♪ They was sleeping, I was up and training
Going off of this ♪</i>

3442
02:58:42,271 --> 02:58:46,138
<i>♪ Elevate my confidence ♪
The best and that's no argument ♪</i>

3443
02:58:46,205 --> 02:58:49,738
<i>♪ Competition ain't no threat
When I step to it ♪</i>

3444
02:58:49,805 --> 02:58:52,571
<i>♪ Not to mention for them checks
I just do it ♪</i>

3445
02:58:52,638 --> 02:58:55,871
<i>♪ Push myself to limits unimaginable
To average folk ♪</i>

3446
02:58:55,938 --> 02:58:57,571
<i>♪ Notice don't come overnight ♪</i>

3447
02:58:57,638 --> 02:58:59,805
<i>- ♪ You get there staying gradual ♪
- ♪ Staying gradual ♪</i>

3448
02:58:59,871 --> 02:59:01,338
<i>- ♪ GOATed status ♪
- ♪ GOATed status ♪</i>

3449
02:59:01,405 --> 02:59:02,938
<i>♪ Only the greats relate ♪</i>

3450
02:59:03,005 --> 02:59:04,605
<i>♪ Only the fakes I hate ♪</i>

3451
02:59:04,671 --> 02:59:06,605
<i>♪ That's what it takes
To make it go ♪</i>

3452
02:59:06,671 --> 02:59:09,138
<i>♪ So we tune them out
Don't give them no attention ♪</i>

3453
02:59:09,205 --> 02:59:11,405
<i>♪ Never focus on the opposition ♪</i>

3454
02:59:11,471 --> 02:59:13,471
<i>♪ I'm focused on winning, 'cause I ♪</i>

3455
02:59:13,538 --> 02:59:16,471
<i>♪ I'mma keep on going hard
Till it's all mine ♪</i>

3456
02:59:16,538 --> 02:59:19,438
{\an8}<i>♪ Won't stop until I am the greatest... ♪</i>