1
00:00:12,054 --> 00:00:15,307
[soft music plays]

2
00:00:17,560 --> 00:00:19,729
[woman on voicemail]
<i>Yeah, baby boy, it's Mama.</i>

3
00:00:19,812 --> 00:00:23,232
<i>Thank you for my beautiful flowers
and the card.</i>

4
00:00:23,315 --> 00:00:24,942
[man on voicemail]
<i>Hey, baby boy, it's Pops.</i>

5
00:00:25,025 --> 00:00:27,445
<i>Just reaching out to say I love you.</i>

6
00:00:27,528 --> 00:00:30,072
[Marlon's mom] <i>Calling to check on you,
Marlon. Hope you're feeling better.</i>

7
00:00:30,156 --> 00:00:33,284
<i>Don't play with this.
It's a very serious flu out here.</i>

8
00:00:33,367 --> 00:00:35,911
[man on voicemail] <i>Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo.
Give me a call.</i>

9
00:00:35,995 --> 00:00:38,247
<i>Let me know what your schedule's like.
Peace out.</i>

10
00:00:38,330 --> 00:00:42,042
[Marlon's mom] <i>Hey, baby boy. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you for that gift.</i>

11
00:00:42,126 --> 00:00:44,044
<i>You've never missed a Mother's Day.</i>

12
00:00:44,128 --> 00:00:48,007
<i>I'm sorry you're not going to be with me,
but I realize you have to work.</i>

13
00:00:48,090 --> 00:00:51,677
<i>So I love, love, love you.
Thank you so much for the gift.</i>

14
00:00:51,761 --> 00:00:55,931
<i>And also for the fact that you can love me
the way I need to be loved.</i>

15
00:00:56,015 --> 00:00:58,601
<i>Love you. Thank you. Mama.</i>

16
00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:02,146
[man] Help me praise his name!
My guy, the one and only,

17
00:01:02,229 --> 00:01:07,568
Mr. Marlon Wayans!

18
00:01:07,651 --> 00:01:10,780
[crowd cheering]

19
00:01:11,864 --> 00:01:17,036
[hip-hop music plays]

20
00:01:35,137 --> 00:01:37,056
[crowd cheering]

21
00:01:37,139 --> 00:01:39,225
What's up, New York City?

22
00:01:42,686 --> 00:01:44,355
What the fuck is happening, Harlem?

23
00:01:45,272 --> 00:01:47,233
[cheering]

24
00:01:47,316 --> 00:01:48,359
All right, we in here.

25
00:01:49,735 --> 00:01:51,278
Life is good.

26
00:01:51,362 --> 00:01:54,114
Life is fucking good.

27
00:01:54,198 --> 00:01:57,952
[cheering]

28
00:01:58,035 --> 00:01:59,203
Life is good.

29
00:01:59,286 --> 00:02:02,122
Please, enjoy every minute you can.

30
00:02:02,206 --> 00:02:03,249
Please.

31
00:02:03,332 --> 00:02:08,671
If I learned anything in my 51 years,
it's please enjoy this ride called life.

32
00:02:08,754 --> 00:02:11,590
This shit is a really short ride.

33
00:02:11,674 --> 00:02:13,676
[applause]

34
00:02:13,759 --> 00:02:15,135
I want you to understand.

35
00:02:15,219 --> 00:02:17,680
Don't put high expectations on people.

36
00:02:18,430 --> 00:02:21,392
People are going to disappoint you.

37
00:02:22,518 --> 00:02:24,937
So don't have high expectations of them.

38
00:02:25,020 --> 00:02:26,480
Just know this.

39
00:02:26,564 --> 00:02:29,024
Everyone is an asshole.

40
00:02:31,610 --> 00:02:34,280
Everyone is an asshole.

41
00:02:35,239 --> 00:02:36,615
You're an asshole.

42
00:02:38,826 --> 00:02:40,661
Your girl's an asshole.

43
00:02:42,997 --> 00:02:45,666
I'm an asshole. That's why I started
this show three hours late.

44
00:02:45,749 --> 00:02:47,585
I'm a fucking dick.

45
00:02:47,668 --> 00:02:50,963
[cheering, applause]

46
00:02:56,010 --> 00:02:58,888
I just wanted to see how much
you motherfuckers love me.

47
00:03:00,556 --> 00:03:02,057
[man] You fuckin' asshole!

48
00:03:03,601 --> 00:03:05,853
Everyone's an asshole. Your kids.

49
00:03:05,936 --> 00:03:09,523
They look all cute to you,
but they're fucking assholes.

50
00:03:09,607 --> 00:03:12,276
Ask their teachers.
They're fucking assholes.

51
00:03:14,528 --> 00:03:19,158
Your parents are old assholes.

52
00:03:19,867 --> 00:03:22,286
But what you must do
is you must forgive them.

53
00:03:22,369 --> 00:03:26,707
You have to trust that your parents did
the best they could with what they had.

54
00:03:26,790 --> 00:03:28,834
[cheering]

55
00:03:28,918 --> 00:03:30,294
And I say this from my heart.

56
00:03:30,377 --> 00:03:33,255
Keep your heart light.
I just lost my dad five months ago.

57
00:03:33,339 --> 00:03:34,965
[crowd murmurs]

58
00:03:35,049 --> 00:03:37,885
Yeah. But you know what?
He was a good dude, you know?

59
00:03:37,968 --> 00:03:40,179
Don't feel bad.
You didn't kill him, liquor did.

60
00:03:42,056 --> 00:03:43,933
But, you know,
I had a great time with my father, man.

61
00:03:44,016 --> 00:03:46,101
Please, have a great time
with your parents.

62
00:03:46,185 --> 00:03:49,396
I had a great time. I have no fucking
problems with my dad at all.

63
00:03:49,480 --> 00:03:50,731
No beefs.

64
00:03:50,814 --> 00:03:53,067
I got two little tiffs, you know?

65
00:03:53,150 --> 00:03:57,279
Nothing... nothing big, nothing I would
talk to my therapist about, you know.

66
00:03:57,947 --> 00:04:00,491
That's valuable time. I save that for...
to talk about these bitches.

67
00:04:00,574 --> 00:04:01,909
You know what I'm saying?

68
00:04:05,913 --> 00:04:08,082
[laughs]

69
00:04:08,165 --> 00:04:11,251
Two beefs with my dad. One is...

70
00:04:11,335 --> 00:04:14,338
You know, that nigga never wished me
a happy birthday.

71
00:04:16,131 --> 00:04:18,384
Nah, but he Jehovah's Witness.
Them niggas are weird.

72
00:04:19,009 --> 00:04:20,219
[laughs]

73
00:04:20,302 --> 00:04:22,888
Y'all groan. "Ah, not those niggas."

74
00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:26,517
You know, it's funny.
My dad was Jehovah's Witness.

75
00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:29,228
My mother was like,
"Mm-mm, nigga. I'm Baptist.

76
00:04:30,187 --> 00:04:32,815
I like Christmas." [laughs]

77
00:04:33,315 --> 00:04:36,110
My mama hated the religion so much that,

78
00:04:36,193 --> 00:04:40,489
nigga, there was days she didn't answer
the door for this nigga.

79
00:04:42,783 --> 00:04:46,453
My daddy knocked.
My mom creeped to the door...

80
00:04:46,537 --> 00:04:48,706
"Ah, shit, kids, get down."

81
00:04:48,789 --> 00:04:50,416
"Who is it, Mama?" "It's your father.

82
00:04:50,499 --> 00:04:53,335
He got them fucking books
and them people with him. Shh!

83
00:04:54,753 --> 00:04:56,463
Keenan, hit the lights.

84
00:04:57,673 --> 00:05:00,092
Damon, get your bald head over here.

85
00:05:00,175 --> 00:05:02,011
There's a glare, nigga. Come here!

86
00:05:02,761 --> 00:05:05,222
Marlon, Marlon, don't you open that door.

87
00:05:05,305 --> 00:05:08,017
Jehovah will witness me
beating the shit out you, nigga."

88
00:05:08,100 --> 00:05:10,978
[audience laughing]

89
00:05:13,939 --> 00:05:17,609
It's crazy. My father would never even
say the phrase "happy birthday."

90
00:05:18,235 --> 00:05:21,363
Felt like if he said "happy birthday,"
he would instantly go to hell.

91
00:05:21,447 --> 00:05:22,406
So he wouldn't say the phrase.

92
00:05:22,489 --> 00:05:25,034
He'd call me on my birthday, he goes,
"Hey, son.

93
00:05:25,117 --> 00:05:27,161
Happy Wednesday.

94
00:05:30,956 --> 00:05:34,418
Happy Wednesday on the day
I accidentally bust

95
00:05:34,501 --> 00:05:38,547
another nut inside your mama...
and made you."

96
00:05:38,630 --> 00:05:43,302
And when I was little, you understand,
that shit used to hurt my feelings, man.

97
00:05:43,385 --> 00:05:45,262
You know what I mean?
Your dad never wished you happy birthday.

98
00:05:45,345 --> 00:05:48,098
Me and my brother, Shawn,
we'd be in our bedroom all mad.

99
00:05:48,182 --> 00:05:52,144
Five and six years old,
be pacing back and forth and shit.

100
00:05:55,522 --> 00:05:58,609
With them stupid birthday hats on,
you know them party hats.

101
00:05:58,692 --> 00:06:00,694
[audience laughing]

102
00:06:05,407 --> 00:06:09,036
And we'd be so mad, we'd call my mama
in the room by her government name.

103
00:06:09,119 --> 00:06:11,288
We'd be like, "Elvira! Come here!

104
00:06:14,583 --> 00:06:16,210
Why you fuck this nigga?"

105
00:06:21,590 --> 00:06:24,635
"Yeah. How come he pick
Jehovah's Witness as a religion?"

106
00:06:25,219 --> 00:06:28,388
And my mama, funniest woman
you ever want to meet.

107
00:06:28,472 --> 00:06:31,767
Straight out of Harlem.
Always kept it real.

108
00:06:31,850 --> 00:06:33,936
She said, "Oh, niggas, do the math.

109
00:06:34,478 --> 00:06:38,273
That broke motherfucker got ten kids
and one job.

110
00:06:39,149 --> 00:06:42,319
He's trying to get out of buying
Christmas and birthday gifts, assholes!"

111
00:06:44,238 --> 00:06:46,115
Oh, shit.

112
00:06:46,198 --> 00:06:48,492
Nigga, that is a genius...

113
00:06:50,327 --> 00:06:52,371
and diabolical plan."

114
00:06:54,665 --> 00:06:57,459
I think Nick Cannon
should become Jehovah's Witness.

115
00:06:57,543 --> 00:07:01,088
[cheering, applause]

116
00:07:02,589 --> 00:07:06,093
Other beef I had with my father
is I feel like...

117
00:07:07,594 --> 00:07:10,097
I feel like... I think
that nigga beat me too much.

118
00:07:12,391 --> 00:07:14,101
Know what I mean?
Not saying I didn't deserve

119
00:07:14,184 --> 00:07:16,520
a large majority of those ass whippings.

120
00:07:16,603 --> 00:07:21,817
I probably deserved, you know,
I would say 87.3 percent

121
00:07:21,900 --> 00:07:23,318
of those ass whippings.

122
00:07:24,236 --> 00:07:28,699
That other 12.7 that my daddy
beat me for that I didn't deserve,

123
00:07:28,782 --> 00:07:30,701
that nigga had to pay for that.

124
00:07:32,369 --> 00:07:33,787
I waited.

125
00:07:35,122 --> 00:07:37,207
Wait till the nigga got good and old.

126
00:07:39,501 --> 00:07:41,336
And he started shitting himself.

127
00:07:43,505 --> 00:07:46,133
Let him sit in that diaper
just a little while longer.

128
00:07:48,010 --> 00:07:50,429
Not too long,
just two or three days, you know.

129
00:07:52,848 --> 00:07:55,559
No, four is too long.
That's just cruel, you know.

130
00:07:55,642 --> 00:07:58,854
I tried four and a turd, like,
hardened on his ass,

131
00:07:58,937 --> 00:08:00,856
and I had to chisel it off.

132
00:08:02,274 --> 00:08:04,109
Just chocolate chips all over the floor,

133
00:08:04,193 --> 00:08:08,322
and I had to clean that shit up,
and the joke's on me, so...

134
00:08:09,781 --> 00:08:13,952
But my point is,
I changed my father's diaper.

135
00:08:14,786 --> 00:08:17,789
I changed my parents' diapers.
Don't say you love your parents,

136
00:08:18,624 --> 00:08:21,001
and when they get old and they need you,

137
00:08:21,084 --> 00:08:23,587
you throw their ass in the old folks home.

138
00:08:23,670 --> 00:08:26,506
Don't do that. They didn't
throw you in a young folks home.

139
00:08:27,925 --> 00:08:29,801
Take care of your parents.

140
00:08:29,885 --> 00:08:33,347
It is a fucking privilege and an honor.

141
00:08:33,430 --> 00:08:37,142
[cheering, applause]

142
00:08:37,226 --> 00:08:38,560
And parents...

143
00:08:40,020 --> 00:08:44,775
y'all be appreciative
if your kids actually do that for you.

144
00:08:45,984 --> 00:08:49,321
Yeah, because my mama was funny.
My mama expected that shit.

145
00:08:49,404 --> 00:08:51,990
She hit me with that,
"Well, it's only right.

146
00:08:55,077 --> 00:08:57,037
I changed your diapers."

147
00:08:57,913 --> 00:08:59,373
Bitch.

148
00:09:01,291 --> 00:09:05,295
There is a difference between baby shit...

149
00:09:06,922 --> 00:09:09,925
and 83-year-old Black people shit.

150
00:09:10,008 --> 00:09:11,885
Let me tell you!

151
00:09:13,011 --> 00:09:15,222
Baby shit is made from baby food.

152
00:09:16,181 --> 00:09:17,975
You ever buy baby food,
you know what I mean?

153
00:09:18,058 --> 00:09:20,852
Carrots and sweet potatoes,
those orange motherfuckers.

154
00:09:20,936 --> 00:09:23,772
Come in that little Gerber jar.
You open the top. [clicks]

155
00:09:23,855 --> 00:09:25,190
You feed it to the baby.

156
00:09:26,984 --> 00:09:29,987
Three hours later, baby take a shit.
[blows raspberry]

157
00:09:31,196 --> 00:09:33,115
Look inside the diaper.

158
00:09:33,699 --> 00:09:36,034
It look just like sweet potatoes

159
00:09:36,868 --> 00:09:39,496
you fed that nigga three hours ago.

160
00:09:39,579 --> 00:09:43,208
You can actually take those
sweet potatoes out the Pamper...

161
00:09:44,918 --> 00:09:46,503
and feed them right back to the baby.

162
00:09:46,586 --> 00:09:50,465
[crowd laughing, groaning]

163
00:09:50,549 --> 00:09:52,843
Yeah, it may have a twang, you know?

164
00:09:53,844 --> 00:09:57,347
May have a little twang to it,
so, you know, maybe add some sugar

165
00:09:57,431 --> 00:09:59,808
or, you know, maple syrup.

166
00:09:59,891 --> 00:10:02,477
White people, agave and Stevia.

167
00:10:06,773 --> 00:10:11,486
But 83-year-old Black people shit...
nigga!

168
00:10:11,570 --> 00:10:15,574
It got pork, grits, cornbread,

169
00:10:15,657 --> 00:10:18,577
collard greens, turnip greens,

170
00:10:18,660 --> 00:10:20,454
fucking chitlins. Bitch.

171
00:10:20,537 --> 00:10:22,706
You got shit in shit!

172
00:10:27,336 --> 00:10:30,005
Like, if you got to change
your parents' diapers, look away.

173
00:10:30,088 --> 00:10:32,424
Just change that motherfucker
like a blind man. Just...

174
00:10:44,353 --> 00:10:47,522
And if you miss a spot,
who cares, ain't nobody going down there.

175
00:10:49,608 --> 00:10:53,695
But, man, my mama used to
always talk shit about my daddy's dick.

176
00:10:55,489 --> 00:10:57,783
I thought she was hating. She was always
talking about my father's dick.

177
00:10:57,866 --> 00:11:01,453
"Yeah, your dick so ugly,
I could only fuck it in the dark.

178
00:11:02,996 --> 00:11:06,166
Your dick so crooked,
I could hang my coat on it.

179
00:11:07,459 --> 00:11:10,921
Your balls hang so low,
they look like click-clacks.

180
00:11:11,004 --> 00:11:13,757
Nigga, I could play Cabanga!
with them bitches." Bap!

181
00:11:14,633 --> 00:11:16,176
And I thought my mother was hating,

182
00:11:16,259 --> 00:11:17,761
you know, because women,
y'all do that shit.

183
00:11:17,844 --> 00:11:20,514
You talk about our dick,
then you fuck it. That's what's crazy.

184
00:11:21,306 --> 00:11:23,225
My mother was talking shit
about my daddy.

185
00:11:23,308 --> 00:11:28,480
I went to change my daddy diaper,
and I opened that shit up.

186
00:11:28,563 --> 00:11:29,564
[makes whooshing sound]

187
00:11:29,648 --> 00:11:33,318
And y'all,
these old balls just dropped out.

188
00:11:33,402 --> 00:11:36,738
What the fuck! No! Ahh!

189
00:11:38,240 --> 00:11:40,534
They were so long and droopy, like...

190
00:11:40,617 --> 00:11:42,411
I didn't know how he would
scratch those motherfuckers.

191
00:11:42,494 --> 00:11:46,748
He had to hacky-sack them balls up
in order to scratch them. [laughs]

192
00:11:52,170 --> 00:11:55,006
And they had all these
sparse white hairs on it.

193
00:11:55,090 --> 00:11:57,592
Just gray-ass hairs, and it was wet.

194
00:11:57,676 --> 00:12:00,512
Why was the fucking hair wet?
It looked like a mouse

195
00:12:00,595 --> 00:12:03,140
ran through a fire
and the sprinklers came on.

196
00:12:04,349 --> 00:12:07,644
And my mama wasn't lying when she said
that nigga dick was crooked.

197
00:12:07,727 --> 00:12:10,147
Oh, shit. I ain't never seen
no shit like this.

198
00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:13,191
It looked like it was hit by a car,
like... [screeches]

199
00:12:13,275 --> 00:12:17,446
'Cause the shaft was bent this way.
And the nut was turned this way.

200
00:12:17,529 --> 00:12:20,782
But the eye was looking over the shoulder
like this here.

201
00:12:21,908 --> 00:12:24,369
It looked like something out
the music video "Thriller," like...

202
00:12:24,453 --> 00:12:28,748
[humming, laughs]

203
00:12:28,832 --> 00:12:30,959
Like, the neck was fucked up.

204
00:12:31,042 --> 00:12:33,128
It looked like my dad's dick
was in an action movie.

205
00:12:33,211 --> 00:12:36,965
Like John Wick snapped the neck
in my daddy's dick.

206
00:12:37,757 --> 00:12:40,677
That nigga dick was so crooked, he need
one of them corrective braces on it.

207
00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:44,556
You know, them shits they give you
when you have spine surgery?

208
00:12:55,025 --> 00:12:59,237
And for a minute,
I questioned whether he was my father

209
00:12:59,321 --> 00:13:02,032
because we had different dicks. Like...

210
00:13:02,908 --> 00:13:05,994
No, 'cause my mama, God bless her soul,

211
00:13:06,077 --> 00:13:08,121
she rounded... I had a pretty dick.

212
00:13:08,205 --> 00:13:10,457
My mama, she made sure
it was rounded off.

213
00:13:10,540 --> 00:13:12,209
I got that little...
You know what I'm saying?

214
00:13:12,292 --> 00:13:14,044
She cut it right, you know
what I'm saying? I got the fade.

215
00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:15,587
She faded my dick up.

216
00:13:16,713 --> 00:13:19,132
My daddy, nigga,
he had all this extra skin.

217
00:13:19,216 --> 00:13:22,844
I was like, "What the fuck is that?
What is that?!

218
00:13:22,928 --> 00:13:26,181
My father's Puerto Rican!
What the fuck?"

219
00:13:27,307 --> 00:13:29,851
And it wasn't just a little,
it was a lot of skin.

220
00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:32,812
It was so much foreskin, I...

221
00:13:32,896 --> 00:13:36,024
I could have started a beef jerky company.

222
00:13:40,070 --> 00:13:43,782
But my point is,
I changed my daddy's diaper.

223
00:13:46,284 --> 00:13:48,662
But, man, um...

224
00:13:49,704 --> 00:13:51,790
Changing my mama's diaper...

225
00:13:56,836 --> 00:13:59,214
That shit gave me anxiety. I'm not...

226
00:13:59,297 --> 00:14:01,216
You know what I'm saying? Like...

227
00:14:03,093 --> 00:14:04,594
I made a pact with God.

228
00:14:05,345 --> 00:14:08,890
I did. I said, "Lord, strike me down."

229
00:14:10,350 --> 00:14:15,230
[laughs] "Strike me down, or be kind
enough to rip the eyes out my head...

230
00:14:16,439 --> 00:14:18,567
before I ever had to see

231
00:14:19,276 --> 00:14:22,070
a 83-year-old pussy. Just..."

232
00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:25,031
You know what I mean?
Like, I never been married

233
00:14:25,115 --> 00:14:28,451
because I...
they say "till death do you part."

234
00:14:29,119 --> 00:14:33,164
But I got to be honest,
at 70, bitch, I'm out. It's just...

235
00:14:34,416 --> 00:14:36,376
You know what I mean?
Just the thought of it.

236
00:14:36,459 --> 00:14:39,713
Like, you know, I just thought
a 83-year-old vagina, like,

237
00:14:39,796 --> 00:14:42,299
that done seen some shit,
you know what I mean?

238
00:14:42,382 --> 00:14:45,844
83 years of dick.
That's a lot of dick

239
00:14:45,927 --> 00:14:48,013
haunting in that vagina.

240
00:14:48,096 --> 00:14:51,099
Like, it's like an old,
grizzled war veteran, you know?

241
00:14:51,182 --> 00:14:54,853
Just seen some shit.
It's all grizzly and gray and...

242
00:14:54,936 --> 00:14:58,356
You know, and it's served several wars.
It served in Civil War.

243
00:14:58,440 --> 00:15:02,235
It ripped down racist statues
and freed the slaves.

244
00:15:02,319 --> 00:15:05,113
And then it did a long tour in Vietnam.

245
00:15:05,196 --> 00:15:09,075
And... and it served two tours in Iraq.

246
00:15:09,159 --> 00:15:12,621
And now that pussy is preparing for war
with Russia and China.

247
00:15:12,704 --> 00:15:13,997
You know what I mean? Ten kids.

248
00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:16,249
My mama, I thought them lips
were going to be all stretched out

249
00:15:16,333 --> 00:15:18,460
like an old washing machine belt.

250
00:15:18,543 --> 00:15:21,630
And I thought it would be like
a portal to a whole new universe.

251
00:15:21,713 --> 00:15:25,342
Like, I could jump in that bitch
and be in the Spider-Man universe.

252
00:15:25,425 --> 00:15:30,764
I just see different versions of me,
<i>Little Man</i> me and me in <i>White Chicks.</i>

253
00:15:30,847 --> 00:15:33,933
And now I see me in <i>Mo' Money</i>
and I'm doing this to me.

254
00:15:34,017 --> 00:15:36,227
You know... [laughs]

255
00:15:36,311 --> 00:15:38,730
And I just thought the lips would go...
83, I thought the lips

256
00:15:38,813 --> 00:15:41,441
were gonna be all big and stretched out
from the ten kids.

257
00:15:41,524 --> 00:15:45,278
I thought them... them labias
would be flapping in the wind,

258
00:15:45,362 --> 00:15:49,449
just like the American flag
flapping proudly on the 4th of July.

259
00:15:49,532 --> 00:15:51,743
Or at the Super Bowl,
I just start singing...

260
00:15:51,826 --> 00:15:55,413
<i>♪ Oh, say, can you see? ♪</i>

261
00:15:55,497 --> 00:15:58,500
And then the Blue Angels fly by.
[makes whooshing sound]

262
00:15:58,583 --> 00:16:01,211
And then I'll kneel,
me and Colin Kaepernick.

263
00:16:02,879 --> 00:16:05,131
And I just thought it was going to be
swollen like, you know,

264
00:16:05,215 --> 00:16:08,426
lips would look like Louis Armstrong
when he played the sax. Like...

265
00:16:08,510 --> 00:16:12,597
[hums, mumbles]
<i>♪ What a wonderful world ♪</i>

266
00:16:13,306 --> 00:16:16,267
The lips will be stretched out
and the hair would be coming out.

267
00:16:16,351 --> 00:16:19,604
It would look like an old camel
chewing straw, like...

268
00:16:25,151 --> 00:16:29,114
I thought my mom's vagina
was going to look like...

269
00:16:29,197 --> 00:16:31,825
like Jay-Z when he's 92 years old.

270
00:16:31,908 --> 00:16:35,328
[shouting, laughing]

271
00:16:36,538 --> 00:16:39,374
And so when I went to change her diaper,

272
00:16:39,457 --> 00:16:41,710
I opened the diaper up...
[makes whooshing sound]

273
00:16:41,793 --> 00:16:43,586
And I peeked,

274
00:16:43,670 --> 00:16:46,089
and I was like, "Oh, shit!

275
00:16:46,172 --> 00:16:48,091
Okay, Vi.

276
00:16:49,300 --> 00:16:51,970
With your brand-new baby pussy.

277
00:16:53,722 --> 00:16:56,057
Somebody's been doing their Kegels.

278
00:16:57,267 --> 00:16:59,769
Shawn, come here! Come look at this shit!

279
00:17:01,312 --> 00:17:04,566
Who had ten kids?
Not out that pussy, we didn't.

280
00:17:07,777 --> 00:17:11,990
That's a brand-new pussy, it should
have a price tag and a sensor on it.

281
00:17:12,073 --> 00:17:14,784
You can't steal that pussy from Macy's.
Oh, no."

282
00:17:22,208 --> 00:17:25,128
[crowd shouting indistinctly]

283
00:17:26,087 --> 00:17:29,924
[cheering, applause]

284
00:17:35,847 --> 00:17:39,809
[cheering]

285
00:17:44,314 --> 00:17:48,777
Yeah. I definitely feel
like my parents beat me too much.

286
00:17:48,860 --> 00:17:50,987
[laughs]

287
00:17:51,070 --> 00:17:54,073
And you're like, "Not after the way you
talked about your mom's vagina."

288
00:17:54,157 --> 00:17:56,659
You stop judging me, unfold your arms.

289
00:17:58,578 --> 00:17:59,829
Yeah, man.

290
00:18:00,580 --> 00:18:02,999
I still feel like they beat me too much.

291
00:18:04,501 --> 00:18:07,504
But, you know, it's funny. You know,
we always want to be victims in life.

292
00:18:07,587 --> 00:18:09,339
Right?
Everybody always wants to be a victim.

293
00:18:09,422 --> 00:18:11,341
"Oh, I had it the hardest.
You don't know my journey.

294
00:18:11,424 --> 00:18:13,551
I had it the hardest."
Let me tell you something.

295
00:18:13,635 --> 00:18:17,972
No matter how hard you may
have it in your lifetime,

296
00:18:18,056 --> 00:18:21,142
there's always somebody that had it worse.

297
00:18:22,101 --> 00:18:24,521
There's always somebody that had it worse.

298
00:18:24,604 --> 00:18:27,482
I want you to be grateful
for whatever God gave you

299
00:18:27,565 --> 00:18:30,527
in this journey,
you were supposed to have it.

300
00:18:30,610 --> 00:18:33,321
[applause]

301
00:18:34,823 --> 00:18:36,991
And I know
because there was niggas outside

302
00:18:37,075 --> 00:18:39,369
and in my household that had it worse.

303
00:18:39,452 --> 00:18:40,787
You know, I'm the baby.

304
00:18:40,870 --> 00:18:43,248
So I had it actually the easiest.

305
00:18:43,331 --> 00:18:45,083
You know why they had it worse?

306
00:18:45,166 --> 00:18:47,252
Because they had my parents
when they were young.

307
00:18:47,335 --> 00:18:49,170
They had a lot of energy.

308
00:18:49,254 --> 00:18:52,090
When you young,
you could spank for days, just... bap!

309
00:18:52,173 --> 00:18:55,343
Nigga, you try to run.
That nigga got legs, he run with you.

310
00:18:55,426 --> 00:18:58,179
He gonna jump up, "I got you, nigga."

311
00:18:58,263 --> 00:19:00,765
You wanna go down the stairs
under the bed...

312
00:19:04,477 --> 00:19:06,813
[laughs]

313
00:19:06,896 --> 00:19:10,775
When you older, nigga, you just like,
"All right, I'm... [sighs]

314
00:19:10,859 --> 00:19:13,611
You go on, you know what I'm
gonna do to you when I catch you."

315
00:19:16,823 --> 00:19:20,410
My parents,
when my brothers and sisters had 'em,

316
00:19:20,493 --> 00:19:22,370
they were poor.

317
00:19:22,453 --> 00:19:24,163
My parents was poor.

318
00:19:24,247 --> 00:19:26,958
My daddy didn't have no teeth.
This nigga missing front teeth.

319
00:19:27,041 --> 00:19:31,296
He was angry. Ladies, don't date a nigga
with a missing front tooth.

320
00:19:31,379 --> 00:19:33,339
If you here with that nigga tonight,
we in Harlem,

321
00:19:33,423 --> 00:19:35,550
there's a lot of these niggas out here.

322
00:19:36,634 --> 00:19:39,929
That's the style in Harlem, nigga,
you missin' the front tooth.

323
00:19:40,013 --> 00:19:42,557
Women be like, "Oh, he's sexy,
something about that front tooth missing

324
00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:45,393
make me... make me moist inside."

325
00:19:45,476 --> 00:19:46,686
You better leave that nigga.

326
00:19:46,769 --> 00:19:48,855
Nigga missing his front tooth
ain't going to...

327
00:19:48,938 --> 00:19:51,399
He going to beat you.
He gonna beat you.

328
00:19:51,482 --> 00:19:53,735
And he threaten you
through that fucking missing tooth too.

329
00:19:53,818 --> 00:19:56,529
He be like, "Bitch, say something.

330
00:19:57,238 --> 00:19:59,115
[slurring] Say something!"

331
00:20:00,158 --> 00:20:03,119
Then he smoke his Newport
through that missing tooth.

332
00:20:03,703 --> 00:20:06,331
[exhales, laughs]

333
00:20:06,414 --> 00:20:08,666
If he got a missing tooth
and an outie bellybutton,

334
00:20:08,750 --> 00:20:11,210
oh, he beating you, the kids,
and your parents.

335
00:20:14,839 --> 00:20:18,259
I had the easiest version of my parents.

336
00:20:18,343 --> 00:20:23,640
Right? Because I had them after,
you know, my parents was older.

337
00:20:23,723 --> 00:20:26,517
My brothers got money.
My brothers got money.

338
00:20:26,601 --> 00:20:29,228
My brother Damon
bought my father some teeth.

339
00:20:30,021 --> 00:20:33,066
This nigga would not stop smiling.

340
00:20:42,992 --> 00:20:44,452
This nigga...

341
00:20:44,535 --> 00:20:47,664
So my parents, they had disciplinarians.

342
00:20:47,747 --> 00:20:52,251
By the time I came along,
man, I had old friends.

343
00:20:53,419 --> 00:20:56,172
My mother and my father,
they was like my boys, you know.

344
00:20:56,255 --> 00:20:58,508
We had fun, you know what I'm saying?

345
00:20:58,591 --> 00:21:01,594
I used to fuck with my parents.
I was just... I was a troll.

346
00:21:01,678 --> 00:21:04,806
I'd do funny shit, like,
have sex conversations with my parents,

347
00:21:04,889 --> 00:21:07,183
especially because
they were much older than me.

348
00:21:07,266 --> 00:21:09,644
So I used to see how square they were.

349
00:21:09,727 --> 00:21:11,521
So I just asked my mama, said, "Ma, hey.

350
00:21:11,604 --> 00:21:14,941
So when you and Dad, y'all do it,
y'all be doing doggystyle?"

351
00:21:17,026 --> 00:21:19,070
My mother said, "What, nigga?"

352
00:21:20,363 --> 00:21:22,198
I said, "You know, y'all do doggystyle?"

353
00:21:22,281 --> 00:21:26,786
"Doggystyle! I ain't no fucking animal.
What you mean, doggystyle?"

354
00:21:26,869 --> 00:21:28,997
"I mean, do you do it from the back?"
"From the back?

355
00:21:29,080 --> 00:21:32,083
Man, this ain't no fucking prison movie!

356
00:21:33,418 --> 00:21:36,504
You gonna turn me over and pump me
from the back like I'm in jail.

357
00:21:36,587 --> 00:21:38,881
No, nigga, you better look at me.

358
00:21:41,342 --> 00:21:44,137
I like to make love.
You look at me, nigga.

359
00:21:45,013 --> 00:21:47,223
And you better not fucking blink.

360
00:21:48,391 --> 00:21:51,436
Not the entire two minutes you do it."

361
00:21:52,979 --> 00:21:54,939
[chuckling]

362
00:21:55,023 --> 00:21:59,027
I'd be like, "So, Ma."
So I say, "Pop ever went down on you?"

363
00:22:01,070 --> 00:22:03,239
My mother said, "Gone down where?"

364
00:22:05,074 --> 00:22:08,077
I said, "You go down to,
you know, eat the groceries."

365
00:22:08,161 --> 00:22:09,412
"The groceries?

366
00:22:10,121 --> 00:22:12,623
This starting to sound nasty again.

367
00:22:13,374 --> 00:22:16,419
My groceries in the kitchen
where they belongs."

368
00:22:17,462 --> 00:22:21,924
"No, you ever go down and lick your..."
"Lick my cookie?

369
00:22:22,008 --> 00:22:27,013
I'll kill that nigga,
he put his sour mouth on my vajayjay!

370
00:22:28,598 --> 00:22:32,435
That's nasty. Especially all the shit
that come out there once a month.

371
00:22:32,518 --> 00:22:36,355
You better not kiss me
or my grandbabies ever again!"

372
00:22:38,107 --> 00:22:40,193
I say... [laughs]

373
00:22:40,276 --> 00:22:42,737
This shit was amusing to me.
I'm like, "So, Ma.

374
00:22:42,820 --> 00:22:45,990
So you ever go down on him?"

375
00:22:46,824 --> 00:22:49,786
My mother said, "Nigga go on down where?"

376
00:22:50,745 --> 00:22:53,122
I said, "You never gone down... [gags]

377
00:22:55,625 --> 00:23:00,379
Gone down and sucked..."
"Suck... on that man's cling-clong?

378
00:23:01,798 --> 00:23:07,053
I'll kill that nigga, he put that sour
piece of meat in my fucking mouth!

379
00:23:08,346 --> 00:23:11,474
What kind of dog is that?
You gonna put that meat in my mouth,

380
00:23:11,557 --> 00:23:15,895
I'll bite that nigga dick off and beat him
upside his motherfucking head."

381
00:23:16,646 --> 00:23:20,066
I'll choke that nigga out.
All that skin he got? I'll choke him.

382
00:23:23,402 --> 00:23:25,822
Now, you know I'm allergic to cheese."

383
00:23:25,905 --> 00:23:27,907
[audience laughing]

384
00:23:36,374 --> 00:23:39,502
I had a beautiful time with them.
I used to play with my parents,

385
00:23:39,585 --> 00:23:41,671
and my brothers and sisters
couldn't understand it

386
00:23:41,754 --> 00:23:43,673
because the relationship that they had.

387
00:23:43,756 --> 00:23:46,384
And I remember one time
my brother Keenan and Damon

388
00:23:46,467 --> 00:23:48,553
and all of them was home
from California, right?

389
00:23:48,636 --> 00:23:51,055
And my dad, he was washing dishes.

390
00:23:51,139 --> 00:23:55,351
And he had these sweatpants on,
but they had... the string was loose.

391
00:23:55,434 --> 00:23:58,229
So, you know, I came up behind him.
I told my brothers, "Shh, shh."

392
00:23:58,312 --> 00:24:01,107
I came behind this nigga,
and I pulled his pants down.

393
00:24:01,190 --> 00:24:03,109
[makes whooshing noise]

394
00:24:03,192 --> 00:24:05,695
And that old sour dick popped out.

395
00:24:08,072 --> 00:24:11,284
And y'all, my brothers scattered

396
00:24:12,326 --> 00:24:15,830
like old slaves that didn't know
they had they freedom.

397
00:24:16,998 --> 00:24:19,959
They was like, "Oh, Lord!
Don't you beat him, Pappy, Lord!

398
00:24:20,042 --> 00:24:21,794
Don't you beat him!
He don't know no good!

399
00:24:21,878 --> 00:24:24,839
Pappy, he don't know no good,
he don't know no good!"

400
00:24:28,176 --> 00:24:30,595
And my dad, he pulled his pants up.

401
00:24:31,846 --> 00:24:33,222
He looked at me.

402
00:24:33,848 --> 00:24:37,143
He said, "That was a good one, son.

403
00:24:38,519 --> 00:24:40,646
I'll get you next time, nigga."

404
00:24:42,815 --> 00:24:46,110
And my older siblings
didn't understand what they saw.

405
00:24:47,403 --> 00:24:51,699
They had no idea that inside
of these disciplinarians

406
00:24:51,782 --> 00:24:53,451
that was my parents,

407
00:24:53,534 --> 00:24:57,038
lived this little silly boy

408
00:24:57,997 --> 00:24:59,540
and this little silly girl.

409
00:25:00,625 --> 00:25:03,628
And with your parents,
please experience all of them.

410
00:25:03,711 --> 00:25:06,797
Not just the mask
that they have to wear to raise you,

411
00:25:06,881 --> 00:25:08,799
but make them your friends.

412
00:25:08,883 --> 00:25:11,135
It's the most important thing
you can do for your journey.

413
00:25:11,219 --> 00:25:13,304
Make your parents your friends.

414
00:25:14,347 --> 00:25:17,183
My father taught me the shorthand
of what a man was.

415
00:25:17,266 --> 00:25:18,893
I remember when I was a little boy,
me and my brother Shawn,

416
00:25:18,976 --> 00:25:20,978
we asked my dad, we said, "Dad.

417
00:25:21,062 --> 00:25:23,564
What did you want to be when you grew up?"

418
00:25:23,648 --> 00:25:26,776
My father looked at me. He said,
"I wanted to be a man."

419
00:25:33,407 --> 00:25:37,328
I looked at Shawn like, "Somebody need
to help this nigga with his dreams.

420
00:25:39,372 --> 00:25:42,917
You got some pretty basic aspirations,
if you ask me."

421
00:25:44,418 --> 00:25:47,505
And, you know, I'm a kid. I'm like,
"Okay, well, what kind of man?

422
00:25:47,588 --> 00:25:49,465
You wanna be a policeman?

423
00:25:51,300 --> 00:25:52,969
You wanna be a fireman?

424
00:25:53,803 --> 00:25:57,139
You wanna be a Batman,
a Spider-Man, a Superman?"

425
00:25:57,223 --> 00:26:01,394
My dad said, "No, son,
I just wanted to be a man."

426
00:26:01,477 --> 00:26:06,107
I said, "But, Dad,
every boy grows up to be a man."

427
00:26:06,190 --> 00:26:08,067
He said, "No, son.

428
00:26:08,150 --> 00:26:11,904
There's a lot of little boys
with mustaches out there."

429
00:26:13,281 --> 00:26:15,533
I said, "Then Dad, what's a man?"

430
00:26:15,616 --> 00:26:19,203
He said, "A man, he takes care of himself

431
00:26:19,287 --> 00:26:21,872
and he takes care of his responsibilities.

432
00:26:21,956 --> 00:26:26,043
- A man protects and provides."
- [applause]

433
00:26:26,127 --> 00:26:30,631
"A man puts his woman
and his children before himself.

434
00:26:30,715 --> 00:26:32,591
They are first.

435
00:26:32,675 --> 00:26:36,137
A man is the first one up.
He's the first one to work.

436
00:26:36,220 --> 00:26:39,807
He's the last one home.
And damn it, he's the last one to eat.

437
00:26:40,641 --> 00:26:42,643
That's a man."

438
00:26:42,727 --> 00:26:47,023
[applause]

439
00:26:49,025 --> 00:26:51,152
And my father told me this.

440
00:26:51,235 --> 00:26:53,321
He only had six teeth in his mouth.

441
00:26:56,532 --> 00:26:58,326
I swear to you...

442
00:26:58,409 --> 00:27:01,746
It would take this nigga about three years
to eat a bag of sunflower seeds,

443
00:27:01,829 --> 00:27:03,956
just... [laughs]

444
00:27:05,416 --> 00:27:10,046
Trying to find the right tooth combination
to crack them bitches on there.

445
00:27:17,136 --> 00:27:18,721
And y'all like, "Why? What the fuck?

446
00:27:18,804 --> 00:27:23,976
Why did Mr. Wayans have six teeth
in his mouth?"

447
00:27:24,060 --> 00:27:29,482
Well, either my father went to the dentist
and he fixed his smile,

448
00:27:29,565 --> 00:27:33,527
or he prioritized,

449
00:27:33,611 --> 00:27:35,654
or what I call sacrificed,

450
00:27:36,614 --> 00:27:39,950
and he fed his woman, and his children,

451
00:27:40,034 --> 00:27:43,621
and his grandchildren
three square meals a day.

452
00:27:44,914 --> 00:27:48,626
[applause, cheering]

453
00:27:50,503 --> 00:27:53,714
My father, Howell Wayans, was a man.

454
00:27:53,798 --> 00:27:58,010
[applause, cheering]

455
00:28:01,680 --> 00:28:04,392
And ever since that day,
I too wanted to be a man.

456
00:28:05,476 --> 00:28:08,354
Just a really rich man,
because I'll be goddamned!

457
00:28:09,188 --> 00:28:12,733
If I have a snaggly ass tooth smile
like this nigga...

458
00:28:12,817 --> 00:28:16,153
My mother used to call him
a "Blackalantern." [laughs]

459
00:28:18,697 --> 00:28:20,741
We ask her for money
for a pumpkin on Halloween,

460
00:28:20,825 --> 00:28:23,494
"Mama, we have money for a pumpkin?"
"You don't need no fucking pumpkin.

461
00:28:23,577 --> 00:28:26,914
Put a candle in your father's mouth
and sit that nigga on the porch."

462
00:28:32,461 --> 00:28:36,048
Enjoy your life. Enjoy your parents.

463
00:28:36,132 --> 00:28:39,385
Enjoy your loved ones
as long as you can live and breathe,

464
00:28:39,468 --> 00:28:44,932
please, do the best you can to get
as much out of life as you can.

465
00:28:45,015 --> 00:28:48,519
[cheering, applause]

466
00:28:49,895 --> 00:28:53,524
Because I'm gonna keep it real.
I can give you my wisdom at 50.

467
00:28:53,607 --> 00:28:57,653
Let me tell y'all something.
This shit called life, it gets dark!

468
00:28:58,404 --> 00:29:03,325
And anybody in here who's older than 50
know what the fuck I'm talking about.

469
00:29:03,409 --> 00:29:08,539
Let me tell you something.
I lost 57 people that I loved

470
00:29:08,622 --> 00:29:10,291
in the last three years.

471
00:29:11,333 --> 00:29:13,919
- But I still say God is good.
- [cheering]

472
00:29:14,003 --> 00:29:17,923
- God is good.
- [applause]

473
00:29:18,007 --> 00:29:20,009
Because I look at the bright side.

474
00:29:20,092 --> 00:29:24,763
No matter how dark shit is,
there's always a bright side, right?

475
00:29:24,847 --> 00:29:27,933
I lost 57 people I love and I'm grateful.
You know why?

476
00:29:28,017 --> 00:29:30,311
Because one of those niggas
could have been me.

477
00:29:30,394 --> 00:29:32,396
And I'm really happy...

478
00:29:34,148 --> 00:29:37,318
that God picked those other niggas
instead. You know?

479
00:29:39,778 --> 00:29:42,239
I don't question Jehovah.

480
00:29:43,449 --> 00:29:46,243
The Lord knows what he's doing.

481
00:29:48,037 --> 00:29:53,709
Y'all gotta think about this. There's
a new celebrity dying every other day.

482
00:29:53,792 --> 00:29:56,378
Like, yo, these are my peers.

483
00:29:56,462 --> 00:29:58,672
And I'm like, "Wow!

484
00:29:58,756 --> 00:30:03,093
God is making some really solid choices."

485
00:30:10,768 --> 00:30:12,770
[laughs]

486
00:30:12,853 --> 00:30:14,563
I mean, real talk.
Like, let's think about this.

487
00:30:14,647 --> 00:30:17,274
Like, me...

488
00:30:19,985 --> 00:30:23,280
[crowd shouting]

489
00:30:23,364 --> 00:30:26,659
...or Coolio. It was Coolio's time to go.

490
00:30:28,035 --> 00:30:31,080
Bye, Coolio. It was his time to go.

491
00:30:31,747 --> 00:30:35,209
That nigga looked dead when he was alive.
Come on, y'all.

492
00:30:36,085 --> 00:30:39,213
He only had two braids left.
It was his time.

493
00:30:42,591 --> 00:30:45,594
Honestly, I thought crack killed
that nigga in the '80s.

494
00:30:45,678 --> 00:30:47,471
Him and Flavor Flav.

495
00:30:48,931 --> 00:30:51,850
- Is Flavor Flav still alive?
- [crowd shouting]

496
00:30:51,934 --> 00:30:54,687
Well, that nigga looked dead
last time I seen him.

497
00:30:56,105 --> 00:30:57,773
[laughs]

498
00:30:57,856 --> 00:31:00,109
Flav one of them niggas
that you thought been dead.

499
00:31:01,026 --> 00:31:04,822
When he die, ain't gonna be no hash tag,
"Gone too soon."

500
00:31:07,992 --> 00:31:11,912
It'll be hashtag:
"Mm, about time, nigga. About time."

501
00:31:12,871 --> 00:31:15,541
[laughs]

502
00:31:15,624 --> 00:31:19,461
No, but you know, like, the whole theory,
like, "Why him?"

503
00:31:19,545 --> 00:31:23,674
I feel like sometimes I wish I could
replace one death with another death.

504
00:31:23,757 --> 00:31:25,718
You know what I mean? It was like...

505
00:31:25,801 --> 00:31:30,180
I started thinking, "Why him?"
when Kobe died.

506
00:31:30,973 --> 00:31:33,100
When Kobe died, it fucked me up.

507
00:31:33,183 --> 00:31:36,020
That really hurt, man.
I was like, "Come on, God."

508
00:31:36,103 --> 00:31:38,689
- [crowd shouting]
- Right?

509
00:31:38,772 --> 00:31:41,066
Like, don't take the greatest Laker.

510
00:31:43,360 --> 00:31:46,030
- Take Derek Fisher.
- [crowd groans]

511
00:31:46,113 --> 00:31:49,700
Oh, he's out here fucking
on people's wives. It's adultery.

512
00:31:49,783 --> 00:31:52,911
It's a goddamn sin,
don't you "aww" me, niggas.

513
00:31:52,995 --> 00:31:54,121
Your wife may be next.

514
00:31:54,204 --> 00:31:56,957
She may have a thing for short niggas
with three-point shots.

515
00:31:58,292 --> 00:32:01,211
I can't believe y'all niggas
"aww'd" me on that shit.

516
00:32:01,295 --> 00:32:05,966
Oh, y'all sensitive out here in Harlem.
Oh, y'all got gentrified on me, nigga?

517
00:32:06,050 --> 00:32:07,635
[audience laughing]

518
00:32:09,928 --> 00:32:14,933
Ever since they put a Starbucks on 125th,
you niggas done changed.

519
00:32:20,314 --> 00:32:24,109
[laughs]

520
00:32:24,193 --> 00:32:26,904
Yeah, y'all really ain't gonna
like this next one. So I'm just gonna...

521
00:32:27,905 --> 00:32:30,991
I'ma sip my water while you niggas
complain and "ooh."

522
00:32:32,117 --> 00:32:33,619
Don't take Kobe.

523
00:32:34,703 --> 00:32:39,541
- Take Shaq.
- [crowd exclaims]

524
00:32:42,753 --> 00:32:45,673
Yeah, I know, I know, I know.

525
00:32:46,298 --> 00:32:49,885
I know, I know. I love the big fella too.

526
00:32:51,053 --> 00:32:53,514
I love the big fella too.
But y'all in denial.

527
00:32:53,597 --> 00:32:56,225
That nigga ain't got long to live.
Come on.

528
00:32:56,308 --> 00:32:58,268
He ain't got long to live.

529
00:32:58,352 --> 00:33:01,605
That nigga has at least three or four
diseases killing Black men

530
00:33:01,689 --> 00:33:02,940
in their early 50s.

531
00:33:03,023 --> 00:33:05,818
Hypertension, diabetes,

532
00:33:05,901 --> 00:33:08,195
swollen prostate, the sugars.

533
00:33:11,365 --> 00:33:12,658
Yeah, that nigga had the sugars.

534
00:33:12,741 --> 00:33:13,992
I know what the fuck
the sugars look like.

535
00:33:14,076 --> 00:33:15,536
I got three uncles with the sugars.

536
00:33:20,165 --> 00:33:22,501
Y'all better give him his flowers.
Tweet that nigga after the show.

537
00:33:22,584 --> 00:33:23,919
Hit him on Threads.

538
00:33:24,920 --> 00:33:26,880
I hug him real hard.
Every time I see Shaq,

539
00:33:26,964 --> 00:33:29,633
I just grab him by his ankle,
"Come here, big fella."

540
00:33:31,719 --> 00:33:33,512
I don't care how big his heart is.

541
00:33:33,595 --> 00:33:36,598
It is not big enough to pump blood
through all that nigga.

542
00:33:37,433 --> 00:33:39,893
Dinosaurs don't live long, people.

543
00:33:40,853 --> 00:33:44,523
Look at his eyes. When Shaq wake up,
nigga all loose-eyed.

544
00:33:44,606 --> 00:33:48,485
All of a sudden, you wake up at 50
years old, nigga, and your eye is loose,

545
00:33:48,569 --> 00:33:50,821
you probably born with this shit, nigga.

546
00:33:50,904 --> 00:33:54,241
You wake up at 50 and your eye is loose,
you better call a physician.

547
00:33:55,826 --> 00:33:58,954
His tongue is heavy.
I haven't understood a word Shaq said

548
00:33:59,037 --> 00:34:01,081
in the last five years.

549
00:34:01,165 --> 00:34:02,750
He just be mumbling. Watch TNT.

550
00:34:02,833 --> 00:34:04,835
This nigga just be mumbling
with his raspy voice.

551
00:34:04,918 --> 00:34:07,421
Every now and then,
you get the clear name of a player

552
00:34:07,504 --> 00:34:09,465
or the clear name of a sponsor.

553
00:34:09,548 --> 00:34:12,134
But other than that, you don't know what
the fuck this nigga's talking about.

554
00:34:12,217 --> 00:34:15,304
He be on that show talking about...
[mumbles]

555
00:34:16,555 --> 00:34:20,517
[mumbles]

556
00:34:20,934 --> 00:34:23,353
[mumbles]

557
00:34:24,521 --> 00:34:27,691
Kobe. [mumbles]

558
00:34:30,486 --> 00:34:33,822
Icy Hot. [mumbles]

559
00:34:38,160 --> 00:34:41,830
Charles. [mumbles]

560
00:34:42,289 --> 00:34:44,249
Nutragenics. [mumbles]

561
00:34:46,335 --> 00:34:48,712
Papa John's Pizza.

562
00:34:50,297 --> 00:34:51,799
Big dude...

563
00:34:52,716 --> 00:34:56,345
Nigga, closed caption be like, "I don't
know what he fuck this nigga said."

564
00:35:01,850 --> 00:35:05,813
I can't believe you niggas
"aww'd" me on Shaq. Oh, man!

565
00:35:06,438 --> 00:35:08,982
I had a darker joke.
But I'm not going to tell you.

566
00:35:09,066 --> 00:35:12,277
[cheering]

567
00:35:12,361 --> 00:35:15,781
All right, fuck it, nigga,
I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck!

568
00:35:15,864 --> 00:35:19,326
[cheering, applause]

569
00:35:19,409 --> 00:35:24,206
All right. So the whole "Why him?" theory,

570
00:35:24,289 --> 00:35:27,543
right, like with death, if you could
pick this person versus that person.

571
00:35:27,626 --> 00:35:29,711
This whole "Why him?" theory.

572
00:35:29,795 --> 00:35:31,964
It started for me when Kobe died.

573
00:35:32,047 --> 00:35:36,218
When Kobe died, like I said,
I was fucked up because I knew Kobe.

574
00:35:36,301 --> 00:35:38,345
You know what I mean? Kobe was a friend.

575
00:35:38,428 --> 00:35:43,433
When he died, I was like,
"Come on, God, don't take Kobe.

576
00:35:45,227 --> 00:35:47,855
Take Magic. He has AIDS."

577
00:35:47,938 --> 00:35:51,108
[cheering, groaning]

578
00:35:55,654 --> 00:35:57,614
He got AIDS!

579
00:35:57,698 --> 00:36:01,451
Why take healthy Kobe
when Magic got AIDS?

580
00:36:01,535 --> 00:36:04,329
You want a Laker?
Take the nigga with AIDS.

581
00:36:05,497 --> 00:36:08,667
I know. Listen, I cried in 1984.

582
00:36:08,750 --> 00:36:11,128
This nigga should have been dead by '85.

583
00:36:12,212 --> 00:36:17,009
2023, Magic Johnson
is still the fuck alive,

584
00:36:17,092 --> 00:36:20,846
and dare I say well, with AIDS,
and Kobe's dead?

585
00:36:20,929 --> 00:36:22,973
Come on, man!

586
00:36:23,056 --> 00:36:24,933
Put Magic's sick ass in a helicopter

587
00:36:25,017 --> 00:36:27,561
and crash that shit
into the side of a mountain.

588
00:36:30,981 --> 00:36:34,484
How long is Magic Johnson
gonna live with AIDS?

589
00:36:34,568 --> 00:36:37,571
Can we talk about it?
What the fuck kinda AIDS is this?

590
00:36:38,864 --> 00:36:42,534
This nigga had AIDS for 50 years.

591
00:36:43,201 --> 00:36:47,080
I know niggas with herpes that died in 12.
Why is this nigga still alive?

592
00:36:50,083 --> 00:36:52,336
Fifty years of AIDS!

593
00:36:52,419 --> 00:36:54,713
What the fuck kinda AIDS is this?

594
00:36:54,796 --> 00:36:59,927
Magic has had AIDS longer
than that nigga has not had AIDS.

595
00:37:00,886 --> 00:37:05,223
And this nigga just skipping through,
like, somebody tell Magic he got AIDS.

596
00:37:05,307 --> 00:37:08,894
He just skipping through life,
all happy and shit with AIDS.

597
00:37:08,977 --> 00:37:11,146
Nigga, if you don't sit your ass
in the house...

598
00:37:12,230 --> 00:37:13,941
He's still happily married.

599
00:37:14,024 --> 00:37:17,611
Happily married to Cookie,
happily married with AIDS.

600
00:37:17,694 --> 00:37:20,530
Bitch, if you don't leave
this nigga already...

601
00:37:20,614 --> 00:37:24,534
He got AIDS.
It's irreconcilable differences, boo.

602
00:37:26,119 --> 00:37:28,622
She all in pictures cuddled up and shit.

603
00:37:29,498 --> 00:37:33,168
We know he's still fucking her raw.
She ain't got this shit.

604
00:37:33,251 --> 00:37:35,545
He got this gay-ass son.
That's double AIDS.

605
00:37:35,629 --> 00:37:37,339
He ain't got this shit.

606
00:37:38,298 --> 00:37:42,219
[crowd cheering, groaning]

607
00:37:46,723 --> 00:37:50,560
Oh, come on. Don't act like Magic's son
ain't a badass bitch.

608
00:37:53,271 --> 00:37:56,191
Nigga, that nigga's thicc with two "C's."

609
00:37:56,274 --> 00:37:59,361
Nigga, he caught me, I did a double take.
Nigga had some Daisy Dukes on.

610
00:37:59,444 --> 00:38:01,905
I said, "Oh... oh, that's a nigga! Fuck!

611
00:38:02,823 --> 00:38:04,574
Nigga!"

612
00:38:07,160 --> 00:38:09,496
I'm sorry, what kind of AIDS you get

613
00:38:09,579 --> 00:38:12,499
where you get more rich
and more handsome?

614
00:38:12,582 --> 00:38:14,668
Magic Johnson has never
been more successful

615
00:38:14,751 --> 00:38:16,920
than he is right now with AIDS.

616
00:38:17,004 --> 00:38:19,297
What the fuck?
He owns part of the Lakers,

617
00:38:19,381 --> 00:38:22,592
part of the Dodgers,
the man just bought a football team.

618
00:38:22,676 --> 00:38:26,471
He's in <i>Forbes</i> as a billionaire.
All this with AIDS.

619
00:38:26,555 --> 00:38:29,182
What kind of AIDS is this?
Financial aids?

620
00:38:29,266 --> 00:38:31,268
[audience laughing]

621
00:38:37,941 --> 00:38:39,484
I want those AIDS.

622
00:38:40,569 --> 00:38:43,405
I want those AIDS!
Sign me the fuck up!

623
00:38:43,488 --> 00:38:45,824
Yeah, I don't want them Freddie Mercurys
or them Eazy-Es.

624
00:38:45,907 --> 00:38:48,285
You keep them skinny nigga AIDS.

625
00:38:49,995 --> 00:38:52,456
But them Magic Johnson rich nigga AIDS?

626
00:38:52,539 --> 00:38:55,709
You show me the monkey he fucked.
I got next.

627
00:39:01,590 --> 00:39:05,719
You know, I know what I've been saying
is a little dark, right?

628
00:39:05,802 --> 00:39:09,222
My humor has gotten darker
because my life has gotten darker.

629
00:39:09,306 --> 00:39:11,475
Everything was all fun and games.

630
00:39:11,558 --> 00:39:16,021
And then I've been dodging depression
for the last three years.

631
00:39:16,605 --> 00:39:18,899
I lost my mama three years ago.

632
00:39:18,982 --> 00:39:21,151
And let me tell y'all something.

633
00:39:21,777 --> 00:39:25,030
Ain't no pain,
nothing like losing your mama.

634
00:39:25,697 --> 00:39:28,575
Like, I'm serious.
Like, I loved my daddy.

635
00:39:28,658 --> 00:39:30,952
But if I had to choose... mm!

636
00:39:33,872 --> 00:39:35,290
Bye, Howell!

637
00:39:36,374 --> 00:39:39,419
Bye, nigga, happy Wednesday, Howell!

638
00:39:39,503 --> 00:39:42,172
Happy fucking Wednesday!

639
00:39:42,255 --> 00:39:44,466
Give my love to Coolio, huh?

640
00:39:47,803 --> 00:39:49,679
Nothing like losing your mama, man.

641
00:39:49,763 --> 00:39:51,973
I'm telling you right now,
life gets real when you lose your mama.

642
00:39:52,057 --> 00:39:55,936
And if anybody in here lost they mama,
my condolences.

643
00:39:56,019 --> 00:39:58,772
My condolences.
I don't care if it was last week,

644
00:39:58,855 --> 00:40:02,400
two weeks ago,
three months ago, last year,

645
00:40:02,484 --> 00:40:07,447
five years ago, 25 years ago,
it doesn't matter.

646
00:40:07,531 --> 00:40:10,492
That is a pain that never goes away.

647
00:40:10,575 --> 00:40:15,038
So to all you people that lost your mama,
we are part of an elite group,

648
00:40:15,122 --> 00:40:18,458
we are a motherfucking gang.
The Dead Mama Gang. Gang, gang!

649
00:40:18,542 --> 00:40:20,502
Gang, gang! Gang, gang!

650
00:40:20,585 --> 00:40:22,838
Gang, gang! Gang, gang!

651
00:40:23,505 --> 00:40:24,714
You still got your mama?

652
00:40:24,798 --> 00:40:27,467
Oh, bitch-ass nigga got his mama.

653
00:40:27,551 --> 00:40:30,720
Oh, bitch-ass nigga got his mommy, nigga!

654
00:40:30,804 --> 00:40:34,766
Aww! Bitch-ass nigga got his mommy!

655
00:40:34,850 --> 00:40:37,435
You be having
Mother's Day brunches, nigga?

656
00:40:39,062 --> 00:40:43,150
Oh, you be breastfeeding still,
getting milk in your beard, nigga.

657
00:40:43,233 --> 00:40:44,860
[sucking]

658
00:40:46,611 --> 00:40:49,823
I ain't shit, I set that nigga up.
I'm sorry. [laughs]

659
00:40:49,906 --> 00:40:51,867
I'm just jealous.

660
00:40:51,950 --> 00:40:53,785
Do me a favor. You be good to her.

661
00:40:54,828 --> 00:40:57,706
You be good to her. As long
as you got her, you be good to her.

662
00:40:57,789 --> 00:41:00,584
[cheering, applause]

663
00:41:01,501 --> 00:41:06,089
Love my mama. If it wasn't for my mama,
I would have never had Christmas.

664
00:41:06,173 --> 00:41:07,549
Yeah. You know why?

665
00:41:07,632 --> 00:41:09,926
This nigga, Howell!

666
00:41:11,178 --> 00:41:13,305
The Grinch that stole a witness.

667
00:41:14,639 --> 00:41:18,435
This man didn't believe
in fucking birthdays or Christmas.

668
00:41:18,518 --> 00:41:22,230
What kind of evil cult
are you a part of, nigga?

669
00:41:23,315 --> 00:41:25,942
Every Christmas,
my father wouldn't participate.

670
00:41:26,026 --> 00:41:30,780
This nigga would lock the door
to his bedroom. [makes thumping sound]

671
00:41:30,864 --> 00:41:34,075
Lock my mom and all the kids
outside of his room.

672
00:41:34,659 --> 00:41:37,329
And my mama, she's the sweetest woman
you ever wanted to meet.

673
00:41:37,412 --> 00:41:41,917
Very articulate, well-spoken,
college educated.

674
00:41:42,000 --> 00:41:45,045
But, man, when she was mad,
the shit that she would say,

675
00:41:45,128 --> 00:41:47,797
the curse words that would come out
this woman's mouth.

676
00:41:47,881 --> 00:41:51,051
We used to call her Richard Pryor
with titties. The shit...

677
00:41:52,427 --> 00:41:54,846
She was funny.
It didn't even make no sense sometimes.

678
00:41:54,930 --> 00:41:57,015
"Open the door, you pussy bitch."

679
00:41:58,808 --> 00:42:02,187
"A pussy bitch? Shawn,
can you be both a pussy and a bitch?"

680
00:42:03,063 --> 00:42:07,108
"I guess so." "I know you hear me
in there, you nipple-dick nigga."

681
00:42:07,984 --> 00:42:09,736
"A nipple-dick nigga?

682
00:42:10,737 --> 00:42:16,326
How small is Father's dick that Mother
would compare it to a nipple?"

683
00:42:16,409 --> 00:42:19,663
"I know you hear me in there,
faggot balls."

684
00:42:20,664 --> 00:42:23,041
[laughs] "Faggot balls?"

685
00:42:23,708 --> 00:42:25,293
Every Christmas,

686
00:42:26,336 --> 00:42:28,672
my father would lock his door.
[imitates door closing]

687
00:42:28,755 --> 00:42:30,507
And my mother,
what I loved about my mother,

688
00:42:30,590 --> 00:42:32,092
let me tell you something about women.

689
00:42:32,175 --> 00:42:35,428
Men, we make the rules,
but when women break your rules,

690
00:42:35,512 --> 00:42:37,847
it's because they know
what they kids need.

691
00:42:37,931 --> 00:42:39,683
My mother knew her children.

692
00:42:39,766 --> 00:42:42,978
My father knew we needed God,
and we did.

693
00:42:43,061 --> 00:42:45,313
But my mama knew we needed love.

694
00:42:45,397 --> 00:42:49,192
So she thwarted the greatest authority
in my household, which was my father,

695
00:42:49,276 --> 00:42:53,196
and she fought for us like,
"Nah, nigga. We still gonna celebrate.

696
00:42:53,280 --> 00:42:54,906
Ya ho, ho, ho.

697
00:42:56,324 --> 00:42:59,995
Come on, kids." And my mama
go get that Charlie Brown Christmas tree.

698
00:43:01,204 --> 00:43:03,164
We were so poor,
we didn't have a stand for the tree.

699
00:43:03,248 --> 00:43:06,251
So she just leaned that shit
on the wall like a junkie.

700
00:43:07,460 --> 00:43:09,713
And I don't know where she got the money.

701
00:43:09,796 --> 00:43:12,757
Know what I mean? Like, I don't know
if she was slinging dope or slinging ass.

702
00:43:12,841 --> 00:43:14,759
[laughs]

703
00:43:14,843 --> 00:43:18,596
But it's magical the way that mothers
find the money to get their kids gifts.

704
00:43:18,680 --> 00:43:21,683
My mother always found money
to get us gifts.

705
00:43:21,766 --> 00:43:23,435
[applause]

706
00:43:24,644 --> 00:43:27,147
And she'd get one gift per kid.

707
00:43:27,230 --> 00:43:31,484
There'd be 218 gifts
underneath the Wayans' tree.

708
00:43:32,193 --> 00:43:34,988
Only Nick Cannon's tree
would have more gifts.

709
00:43:36,239 --> 00:43:38,908
And my dad would have his door locked,
and my mama,

710
00:43:38,992 --> 00:43:41,411
straight out of New York,
she was a fucking troll.

711
00:43:41,494 --> 00:43:43,538
She was a troll.
My mama had this theory.

712
00:43:43,621 --> 00:43:47,500
She said she always had the last laugh.

713
00:43:47,584 --> 00:43:50,670
My dad think he having
a nice quiet evening off.

714
00:43:50,754 --> 00:43:53,506
My mother go, "Come on, babies."
"Where we goin', Mama?"

715
00:43:53,590 --> 00:43:56,551
"Oh, we going Christmas caroling.
Come on."

716
00:43:56,634 --> 00:43:59,220
And she would line us up,
all ten of us,

717
00:43:59,304 --> 00:44:01,348
right outside that nigga's locked door.

718
00:44:02,932 --> 00:44:05,268
Like a gospel choir. [laughs]

719
00:44:05,352 --> 00:44:08,563
We went from the Wayans family
to the Winans Family.

720
00:44:08,646 --> 00:44:11,691
She pulled out a little harmony whistle.
[makes tone sound]

721
00:44:13,818 --> 00:44:17,113
Then she'd make us sing
real loud Christmas carols

722
00:44:17,197 --> 00:44:18,615
right to that nigga's door.

723
00:44:18,698 --> 00:44:21,409
<i>♪ Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la ♪</i>

724
00:44:21,493 --> 00:44:24,245
"Louder, niggas!"
<i>♪ Fa, la, la, la, la ♪</i>

725
00:44:25,205 --> 00:44:26,331
"Hit the high note, Shawn."

726
00:44:26,414 --> 00:44:29,209
[high-pitched singing]

727
00:44:29,918 --> 00:44:31,961
And the woman was funny.

728
00:44:32,921 --> 00:44:34,672
This woman was hilar...

729
00:44:34,756 --> 00:44:37,175
She used to the rewrite
the Christmas carols.

730
00:44:37,258 --> 00:44:39,219
My mother used to rewrite
the Christmas carols,

731
00:44:39,302 --> 00:44:42,514
and the first half be dedicated
to Christmas joy. Oh, it'd be so sweet.

732
00:44:42,597 --> 00:44:44,516
And the other half be dedicated
to my father.

733
00:44:44,599 --> 00:44:46,184
It'd be like, "Fuck you, nigga."

734
00:44:47,435 --> 00:44:51,314
She be like...
<i>♪ On the first day of Christmas ♪</i>

735
00:44:51,398 --> 00:44:54,734
<i>♪ My true love gave to me ♪</i>

736
00:44:54,818 --> 00:44:58,488
"Nothing because he's a broke-ass cheap
Jehovah Witness-ass nigga

737
00:44:58,571 --> 00:45:01,241
with a little nipple dick
and faggoty balls.

738
00:45:04,953 --> 00:45:08,581
Here's another Jehovah Witness
Christmas carol. You ready, kids?

739
00:45:08,665 --> 00:45:13,837
<i>♪ We ♪</i> [drawing out note]

740
00:45:18,633 --> 00:45:20,552
<i>♪ Wish you a happy Wednesday</i> ♪

741
00:45:20,635 --> 00:45:22,720
♪ <i>We wish you a happy Wednesday ♪</i>

742
00:45:22,804 --> 00:45:26,933
<i>♪ We wish you a happy Wednesday ♪</i>

743
00:45:27,016 --> 00:45:29,894
<i>♪ 'Cause your daddy ain't shit ♪</i>

744
00:45:35,108 --> 00:45:39,529
People ask,
what made your family so successful?

745
00:45:39,612 --> 00:45:43,783
My father, his presence in our life,

746
00:45:43,867 --> 00:45:48,079
his introduction to God,
his commitment to Jehovah.

747
00:45:48,830 --> 00:45:52,750
But the secret ingredient
was my mother's love.

748
00:45:52,834 --> 00:45:55,462
- [applause]
- Those fucking Christmases, man.

749
00:45:55,545 --> 00:45:57,130
They made us feel special.

750
00:45:57,213 --> 00:46:00,300
When we opened those gifts,
those wasn't gifts we was opening.

751
00:46:01,009 --> 00:46:03,052
Those were little boxes of hope.

752
00:46:04,095 --> 00:46:07,765
[applause]

753
00:46:11,478 --> 00:46:13,146
And we opened those gifts.

754
00:46:13,229 --> 00:46:16,024
And I knew it was my mother
that gave us those gifts.

755
00:46:16,107 --> 00:46:17,484
I knew it.

756
00:46:17,567 --> 00:46:19,819
'Cause women, y'all funny. [laughs]

757
00:46:19,903 --> 00:46:23,531
Y'all don't let Santa Claus
take the credit for your gifts. [laughs]

758
00:46:24,240 --> 00:46:28,119
Y'all will cross that nigga name off
every fucking name tag.

759
00:46:28,203 --> 00:46:31,164
"From Santa, my Black ass, shit.

760
00:46:31,247 --> 00:46:33,791
Not after I worked two shifts at Walmart.

761
00:46:34,542 --> 00:46:36,961
Love Mama."

762
00:46:37,837 --> 00:46:40,423
And my mother was smart to do that.
Because you know what?

763
00:46:40,507 --> 00:46:45,178
One day when we made money,
every Christmas we hooked my mama up.

764
00:46:45,261 --> 00:46:48,806
We bought my mom a house,
we bought my mom a car,

765
00:46:48,890 --> 00:46:52,310
we bought my mother clothes,
we bought my mother furs,

766
00:46:52,393 --> 00:46:55,188
we bought my mother fucking jewelry,

767
00:46:55,271 --> 00:46:57,482
we bought my mother furniture.

768
00:46:57,565 --> 00:47:02,278
Yes, furniture,
with all the plastic slip covers

769
00:47:02,362 --> 00:47:08,326
a Black woman from Harlem
could ever dream up.

770
00:47:10,203 --> 00:47:14,249
And my daddy,
we didn't get that nigga shit!

771
00:47:16,501 --> 00:47:18,836
Nah, 'cause Christmas time,
we make some money,

772
00:47:18,920 --> 00:47:20,171
all of a sudden at Christmas time...

773
00:47:20,255 --> 00:47:22,340
[makes screeching sound]

774
00:47:22,423 --> 00:47:24,676
This nigga's door is wide open.

775
00:47:26,678 --> 00:47:28,805
And he's sitting there
with them begging-ass eyes,

776
00:47:28,888 --> 00:47:30,348
you know, them poverty eyes.

777
00:47:31,349 --> 00:47:33,810
Them "feel sorry for me nigga" eyes.

778
00:47:36,020 --> 00:47:38,815
We looked that nigga right
in his face, go, "Hey.

779
00:47:38,898 --> 00:47:40,692
Happy Wednesday, nigga."

780
00:47:43,903 --> 00:47:46,573
My parents was different.
They lived different.

781
00:47:46,656 --> 00:47:47,824
They died different.

782
00:47:47,907 --> 00:47:49,742
My father wanted to die.

783
00:47:51,035 --> 00:47:54,289
He wanted to die. He gave up on life.

784
00:47:54,372 --> 00:47:56,082
And here's what happened.

785
00:47:56,165 --> 00:47:58,585
My mother preceded my father in death.

786
00:48:00,044 --> 00:48:01,713
My dad came to the funeral.

787
00:48:02,922 --> 00:48:07,552
He seen the woman he loved
since he was 13 years old.

788
00:48:08,469 --> 00:48:13,850
The woman he fell in love with
right here in Harlem in a casket.

789
00:48:14,809 --> 00:48:16,603
And my father saw my mother.

790
00:48:16,686 --> 00:48:18,104
He turned white.

791
00:48:18,771 --> 00:48:22,191
And this nigga just threw up.
[gagging]

792
00:48:22,275 --> 00:48:27,572
Like, not once, several times. [gagging]

793
00:48:29,699 --> 00:48:32,827
At a point,
it got real funny to us Wayans.

794
00:48:32,910 --> 00:48:35,455
[laughing]

795
00:48:35,538 --> 00:48:38,374
My brother Damon was like,
"Look at his back. Look at his back.

796
00:48:43,755 --> 00:48:48,301
He looks like a ghetto question mark."
[gags, laughs]

797
00:48:51,304 --> 00:48:54,724
And after that, we begged my father
to stay in LA and let us take care of him.

798
00:48:54,807 --> 00:48:58,102
My father was like,
"No, I've gotta go. I gotta go."

799
00:48:58,186 --> 00:48:59,729
He came back to New York.

800
00:48:59,812 --> 00:49:05,026
My father locked himself in the house,
and he sat there in a chair.

801
00:49:05,109 --> 00:49:06,986
He stopped going out.

802
00:49:07,070 --> 00:49:09,447
My father stopped doing his ministry.

803
00:49:09,530 --> 00:49:12,367
Let me tell y'all something
about Jehovah Witnesses.

804
00:49:12,450 --> 00:49:16,287
They live to get those doors
slammed in their face.

805
00:49:17,872 --> 00:49:19,916
It makes them powerful.

806
00:49:19,999 --> 00:49:21,876
[laughs] "Another one!"

807
00:49:23,628 --> 00:49:27,674
He stopped doing his ministry.
He sat in his chair watching NY1,

808
00:49:27,757 --> 00:49:31,803
the 24-minute loop,
he just watched that shit over and over.

809
00:49:31,886 --> 00:49:35,014
He had two bottles of vodka,
a bottle of wine he would drink.

810
00:49:35,098 --> 00:49:38,059
And he sat there
until his body deconditioned.

811
00:49:38,142 --> 00:49:41,145
And my dad would sit in his chair
and he'd just go,

812
00:49:41,229 --> 00:49:45,441
- "I miss my gal."
- [audience] Aww...

813
00:49:46,609 --> 00:49:48,986
"I miss my gal.

814
00:49:50,071 --> 00:49:51,739
I miss her odor." [mutters]

815
00:49:51,823 --> 00:49:55,451
"Odor? [laughs]

816
00:49:55,535 --> 00:49:57,245
Fuck you mean, her odor, nigga?

817
00:49:57,328 --> 00:50:00,289
You mean the smell of old wigs
and fish sticks?"

818
00:50:01,666 --> 00:50:06,879
But what my father meant was...
her odor, he meant her pheromones.

819
00:50:06,963 --> 00:50:10,800
When you love somebody, they could
be stink as fuck to everybody in here.

820
00:50:10,883 --> 00:50:12,677
"What the fuck is that smell?"

821
00:50:13,720 --> 00:50:16,556
But to that one person that love you,
she's like,

822
00:50:16,639 --> 00:50:18,474
"That's my little stinky boo."

823
00:50:22,729 --> 00:50:24,439
He missed his person.

824
00:50:24,522 --> 00:50:28,651
My father sat in his chair
and he drank himself to death. Literally.

825
00:50:28,735 --> 00:50:34,490
We watched him suffer for three years
until finally he passed.

826
00:50:35,324 --> 00:50:37,994
And when he passed,
we buried him right next to my mama

827
00:50:38,077 --> 00:50:41,122
so she could curse that nigga out
for the rest of eternity.

828
00:50:42,874 --> 00:50:45,293
And we was at the funeral,
and all of us Wayans was thinking like,

829
00:50:45,376 --> 00:50:50,673
"Damn." After watching my father suffer
like that, we was like, "Fuck.

830
00:50:50,757 --> 00:50:52,675
[sighs]

831
00:50:52,759 --> 00:50:56,637
My mama must have had
some spectacular pussy because...

832
00:50:56,721 --> 00:51:00,975
[laughs] this nigga chased
that pussy to the grave."

833
00:51:02,143 --> 00:51:04,687
I saw it, it was tight.
I see what he doing. Know what I mean?

834
00:51:04,771 --> 00:51:06,564
[laughs]

835
00:51:10,902 --> 00:51:15,031
My mother was different.
My mother loved life.

836
00:51:15,114 --> 00:51:17,867
Nobody loved life as much
as Elvira Wayans loved life.

837
00:51:17,950 --> 00:51:20,453
This woman,
she would talk your fucking ear off.

838
00:51:20,536 --> 00:51:22,205
This woman loved life.

839
00:51:22,288 --> 00:51:24,499
She fought death. Literally.

840
00:51:24,582 --> 00:51:27,001
What did my mother die of?
She died of "err-thang."

841
00:51:27,084 --> 00:51:29,754
It took "err-thang" to kill this woman.

842
00:51:29,837 --> 00:51:33,132
She wasn't going down. I remember,
I was at my mother's deathbed,

843
00:51:33,216 --> 00:51:35,885
and I watched this woman fight death.

844
00:51:35,968 --> 00:51:38,429
She was fighting death. "Mm-mm, death.

845
00:51:38,513 --> 00:51:40,348
Mm-mm. Fuck off me.

846
00:51:41,307 --> 00:51:42,850
Mm-mm.

847
00:51:43,935 --> 00:51:45,853
Leave me alone.

848
00:51:45,937 --> 00:51:48,022
Go get faggot balls first."

849
00:51:48,105 --> 00:51:50,107
[audience laughing]

850
00:51:51,192 --> 00:51:54,612
And I remember
because I remember the exact day.

851
00:51:54,695 --> 00:51:57,031
And I remember the exact time.

852
00:51:57,114 --> 00:51:58,866
I went to the hospital.

853
00:51:58,950 --> 00:52:01,244
It was Saturday,

854
00:52:02,370 --> 00:52:03,955
June 19th...

855
00:52:05,665 --> 00:52:06,916
of 2020.

856
00:52:07,500 --> 00:52:09,961
And it was 11:56 p.m.

857
00:52:10,044 --> 00:52:11,712
And I seen my mother fighting death.

858
00:52:11,796 --> 00:52:13,506
I thought my mother was fighting death

859
00:52:13,589 --> 00:52:16,467
because she just want to see her baby
one last time.

860
00:52:16,551 --> 00:52:19,846
Later on I found out that wasn't it.
This woman was a fucking troll

861
00:52:19,929 --> 00:52:21,889
all the way down to the end.

862
00:52:21,973 --> 00:52:24,058
But I'll tell you, I'll tell you later.

863
00:52:24,141 --> 00:52:25,935
My mother's fighting death.

864
00:52:26,018 --> 00:52:29,188
And if you ever see somebody
like your mama in that kind of pain,

865
00:52:29,272 --> 00:52:33,025
it is selfish of you
to try to keep them here.

866
00:52:33,109 --> 00:52:35,862
This body we are all in,
well, one day it expires.

867
00:52:35,945 --> 00:52:39,448
And when God calls you home,
let that soul go.

868
00:52:39,532 --> 00:52:44,161
Because the reality is
for you to stay in that body is painful,

869
00:52:44,245 --> 00:52:47,623
and you, as the loved one,
you have to learn to let go,

870
00:52:48,708 --> 00:52:52,670
make them feel comfortable
and okay to leave.

871
00:52:52,753 --> 00:52:54,422
- [applause]
- So I came the hospital,

872
00:52:54,505 --> 00:52:58,092
my mama fighting death. "Mm-mm."
I said, "Mama, stop it. Stop fighting."

873
00:52:58,175 --> 00:53:00,136
And I smacked her on her ass.

874
00:53:00,928 --> 00:53:03,556
I did. And she had one of
them hospital gowns, you know,

875
00:53:03,639 --> 00:53:05,600
hospital gowns with the ass crack out.

876
00:53:06,851 --> 00:53:10,771
How you like them VIP seats, nigga?
[laughs]

877
00:53:14,066 --> 00:53:15,860
And my mother was fighting.
I said, "Mama." Pssht!

878
00:53:15,943 --> 00:53:20,281
I said, "Girl, you did it.
You did the damn thing.

879
00:53:20,364 --> 00:53:22,825
83 years, Mama.

880
00:53:22,909 --> 00:53:27,038
- 83 years.
- [applause]

881
00:53:27,121 --> 00:53:30,625
Woman, you had diabetes since you was 33.

882
00:53:31,626 --> 00:53:34,086
Mama, that is 50 years of diabetes."

883
00:53:34,170 --> 00:53:37,173
I said, "Woman,
you are the Magic Johnson...

884
00:53:37,256 --> 00:53:39,383
[audience laughing]

885
00:53:39,467 --> 00:53:42,845
...of diabetes." [laughs]

886
00:53:44,889 --> 00:53:47,516
I said, "Mama, let's...
let's run the numbers.

887
00:53:47,600 --> 00:53:50,686
You a GOAT, Mama, you a legend."
I said, "You had ten kids.

888
00:53:50,770 --> 00:53:54,106
You got 10,833 grandchildren.

889
00:53:55,316 --> 00:53:57,985
You made five millionaires.

890
00:53:59,070 --> 00:54:03,449
- You made five millionaires."
- [cheering, applause]

891
00:54:04,575 --> 00:54:07,119
Six, if I could just get my shit together.

892
00:54:08,829 --> 00:54:10,414
[laughs]

893
00:54:10,498 --> 00:54:13,417
I said, "You made five comedic legends.

894
00:54:13,501 --> 00:54:16,087
You made five legends.

895
00:54:18,881 --> 00:54:20,549
Six, if I could just...

896
00:54:22,051 --> 00:54:25,763
I don't get canceled for this
Magic Johnson AIDS joke I keep saying."

897
00:54:25,846 --> 00:54:27,765
[laughs]

898
00:54:27,848 --> 00:54:32,395
I said, "Mama, you did all this
and you only made one crackhead."

899
00:54:32,478 --> 00:54:35,356
I said, "Woman,
your crackhead to millionaire ratio

900
00:54:35,439 --> 00:54:38,526
was unparalleled for a Black woman
in America."

901
00:54:40,069 --> 00:54:43,572
I said, "Mama, you are a GOAT.
You are the GOAT of all mothers.

902
00:54:43,656 --> 00:54:45,741
You are the GOAT of all vagina."

903
00:54:45,825 --> 00:54:47,034
Then I got carried away.

904
00:54:47,118 --> 00:54:50,955
I said, "Mama, ain't no pussy
fucking with your pussy, Mama!"

905
00:54:53,749 --> 00:54:56,085
[laughs]

906
00:54:56,168 --> 00:54:58,587
And y'all like, "Did y'all really say
that shit to your...

907
00:54:58,671 --> 00:55:03,009
Did you say that to your mama?
At her deathbed?"

908
00:55:03,843 --> 00:55:05,636
You damn fucking right I did.

909
00:55:07,763 --> 00:55:09,181
Let me tell you why.

910
00:55:10,641 --> 00:55:13,477
I'm gonna gift y'all something
that my mama gifted me with.

911
00:55:14,478 --> 00:55:17,815
My mama told me as a little boy,
she said, "Baby boy,

912
00:55:18,691 --> 00:55:22,153
you learn to laugh in your worst moments,

913
00:55:23,029 --> 00:55:26,490
and you gonna smile
the rest of your days."

914
00:55:29,452 --> 00:55:31,954
Losing my mother was my worst moment.

915
00:55:36,709 --> 00:55:41,172
[audience shouting encouragement,
applause]

916
00:55:47,219 --> 00:55:50,848
[cheering, applause]

917
00:55:58,731 --> 00:56:02,026
- [audience shouting]
- I love you all too.

918
00:56:03,819 --> 00:56:06,864
Losing my mama was my worst moment.

919
00:56:06,947 --> 00:56:10,034
And in my moment, I honored my mother

920
00:56:10,117 --> 00:56:11,827
for what she taught me.

921
00:56:14,705 --> 00:56:16,832
Because I wanted her to know that...

922
00:56:19,919 --> 00:56:24,090
[audience shouting encouragement,
applause]

923
00:56:28,260 --> 00:56:32,473
I let her know I was broken,
but I was going to be okay.

924
00:56:32,556 --> 00:56:35,559
I let her know that I will smile again.

925
00:56:35,643 --> 00:56:37,603
And it's okay for you to go.

926
00:56:38,521 --> 00:56:41,440
That's why I cracked that joke
because she laughed,

927
00:56:41,524 --> 00:56:44,568
and I talked to her in Wayans language
and she knew what the fuck I meant.

928
00:56:49,490 --> 00:56:51,826
And so she stopped fighting,

929
00:56:51,909 --> 00:56:55,830
and she allowed herself to go
and she started to transition.

930
00:56:56,664 --> 00:56:59,917
And as she transitioned,
I seen the doctor

931
00:57:00,000 --> 00:57:01,836
started turning up that morphine, right?

932
00:57:01,919 --> 00:57:04,547
And she started scratching and shit.

933
00:57:13,055 --> 00:57:16,517
I said, "Is it good, Mama?"
She said, "Yeah, Daddy, it's...

934
00:57:16,600 --> 00:57:19,603
It's is gooder than a motherfucker, baby.

935
00:57:20,729 --> 00:57:26,277
Tell the doctor, turn that shit up.
Give me some more, please, man.

936
00:57:26,360 --> 00:57:29,989
I got these cheeseburgers!"

937
00:57:31,157 --> 00:57:34,952
[laughter, applause]

938
00:57:36,162 --> 00:57:37,872
Call your mama every day.

939
00:57:38,789 --> 00:57:41,292
Call your mama every day.

940
00:57:41,375 --> 00:57:45,087
Every fucking day you can.
If she's here, you call her.

941
00:57:45,963 --> 00:57:47,923
You ain't got to call your daddy
every day.

942
00:57:49,091 --> 00:57:52,761
No, call that nigga once a month.
He good. [laughs]

943
00:57:52,845 --> 00:57:55,389
You call your daddy more
than once a month, he gonna be like,

944
00:57:55,472 --> 00:57:57,391
"Yeah, I'm fine, nigga. Call your mama."

945
00:57:59,310 --> 00:58:02,188
I learned, you ain't gotta
talk the whole fucking time.

946
00:58:02,271 --> 00:58:03,814
You ain't gotta talk the whole time.

947
00:58:03,898 --> 00:58:06,066
Just put the phone down.

948
00:58:06,150 --> 00:58:09,195
Every seven minutes, just come back
to the phone and say this shit.

949
00:58:09,278 --> 00:58:11,280
Be like, "Uh-huh.

950
00:58:14,700 --> 00:58:17,119
Yeah, I know that bitch ain't shit, Mama."

951
00:58:19,872 --> 00:58:22,082
Call your mama.

952
00:58:22,166 --> 00:58:24,043
Let me tell you something,
call her every day.

953
00:58:24,126 --> 00:58:28,923
Because if you don't,
the scariest moment of your life

954
00:58:29,006 --> 00:58:31,634
is going to be the day you go
to call your mama...

955
00:58:32,968 --> 00:58:34,762
and she ain't on the other line.

956
00:58:35,763 --> 00:58:38,307
So call your mama.

957
00:58:38,390 --> 00:58:41,685
Because when she's gone, at least
you'll have that voice in your head.

958
00:58:41,769 --> 00:58:45,773
I called my mama so much,
I hear her more now in her death

959
00:58:45,856 --> 00:58:47,691
than I ever heard her when she was alive.

960
00:58:47,775 --> 00:58:50,444
This bitch won't leave me the fuck alone!

961
00:58:52,029 --> 00:58:55,032
My mama's everywhere. She's right there.
She don't like sitting next to people.

962
00:58:55,115 --> 00:58:57,409
"Uh-uh, save me two seats."

963
00:58:58,035 --> 00:59:01,247
My mama's omnipresent.
I hear her everywhere.

964
00:59:01,330 --> 00:59:03,165
I'll be in the worst situations, y'all.

965
00:59:03,249 --> 00:59:05,542
And I hear my mama like, "Mm-mm, son.

966
00:59:05,626 --> 00:59:07,544
Don't put your dick in there."

967
00:59:23,018 --> 00:59:26,313
Why? Why do I hear my mama so much?
Because I called her.

968
00:59:26,397 --> 00:59:27,564
Call your mama.

969
00:59:27,648 --> 00:59:30,067
My mother, I called my mama so much...
She loved two things.

970
00:59:30,150 --> 00:59:33,696
My mother loved her kids
and she loved the telephone.

971
00:59:33,779 --> 00:59:35,781
I don't know which one she loved more.

972
00:59:35,864 --> 00:59:37,324
My mother didn't have an iPhone.

973
00:59:37,408 --> 00:59:39,785
She was like, "I don't play
with that fucking radiation."

974
00:59:39,868 --> 00:59:43,914
So my mother had a rotary phone
with a long-ass wire,

975
00:59:43,998 --> 00:59:48,544
wire longer than my daddy's balls,
just miles long.

976
00:59:48,627 --> 00:59:51,588
And my mother's finger
was stuck like this.

977
00:59:51,672 --> 00:59:54,258
Literally stuck like this
because she had carpal tunnel.

978
00:59:54,341 --> 00:59:56,760
Because all she'd do
is sit by the phone and call each kid.

979
00:59:56,844 --> 01:00:01,056
[dialing sound]

980
01:00:01,140 --> 01:00:05,894
Call each nigga back to back to back
to back to back to back to back to back.

981
01:00:05,978 --> 01:00:07,438
And then she tell you
the last conversation

982
01:00:07,521 --> 01:00:09,440
she had with the last nigga before you.

983
01:00:10,524 --> 01:00:12,151
It was like a terrible game of Telephone.

984
01:00:12,234 --> 01:00:14,528
And then you go to hang up the phone.
She's one of these people,

985
01:00:14,611 --> 01:00:18,741
you go to say goodbye, nigga ignore you,
start a brand new conversation.

986
01:00:20,200 --> 01:00:22,494
I called my mama. [imitates ring]
"Hey, Mama."

987
01:00:22,578 --> 01:00:25,247
"Hey, baby boy. How are you?"
"I'm good."

988
01:00:25,331 --> 01:00:28,709
"Where you at now, sky king? You always
flying around making people laugh.

989
01:00:28,792 --> 01:00:31,962
Where you at now, son?"
"Oh, I'm in New York City."

990
01:00:32,046 --> 01:00:35,758
"Oh, yeah, make sure you wear a jacket.
It can get cold as fuck at night there.

991
01:00:35,841 --> 01:00:39,094
Yeah, it gets so cold,
even the white people be ashy.

992
01:00:40,054 --> 01:00:42,264
So, son, when you coming home?"

993
01:00:42,348 --> 01:00:46,685
"I'm coming home on Monday because I have
a date with the most beautiful woman."

994
01:00:46,769 --> 01:00:49,271
"Oh. Well, who's the lucky gal?"

995
01:00:49,355 --> 01:00:53,484
I said, "You are." "Oh, boy.

996
01:00:53,567 --> 01:00:55,027
If your father would
have talked like that,

997
01:00:55,110 --> 01:00:57,780
I would have fucked that nigga
more than ten times.

998
01:01:01,408 --> 01:01:03,994
So where are we gonna go, son? Huh?

999
01:01:04,078 --> 01:01:07,081
I want some of that wag-u-yu.
Can we get some steak?" [laughs]

1000
01:01:07,164 --> 01:01:09,249
"It's called wagyu, Ma."

1001
01:01:09,333 --> 01:01:10,918
"I don't know how
the fuck you pronounce it,

1002
01:01:11,001 --> 01:01:14,338
but I know that shit
is 270-something dollars a steak.

1003
01:01:15,089 --> 01:01:17,633
Now, you sure you don't want
to call Keenan and Damon

1004
01:01:17,716 --> 01:01:19,468
to help you with this bill?

1005
01:01:19,551 --> 01:01:21,512
[audience laughing]

1006
01:01:21,595 --> 01:01:25,474
You know your Discovery card
be acting up some times, son."

1007
01:01:26,183 --> 01:01:30,354
"No, Mama, I'll handle it." "All right.
Well, can I have some dessert?"

1008
01:01:30,437 --> 01:01:33,649
"Yes, but only a little bit."
"Why, because of my diabetes?"

1009
01:01:33,732 --> 01:01:36,443
"No, Mama.
Because you're already so sweet."

1010
01:01:36,527 --> 01:01:38,862
- "Oh..."
- [audience] Aww...

1011
01:01:38,946 --> 01:01:42,866
"Boy, you must get you a lot of pussy.

1012
01:01:44,701 --> 01:01:49,039
This nigga got lines like a pimp.
You go on, mac daddy.

1013
01:01:49,123 --> 01:01:51,708
All right, baby boy.
Well, I'm looking forward to seeing you."

1014
01:01:51,792 --> 01:01:52,876
"All right, Mama. I love you."

1015
01:01:52,960 --> 01:01:56,296
"And I love, love, love,
love, love, love you too."

1016
01:01:56,380 --> 01:01:59,675
"All right, Mama. Bye."
"All right. Bye now.

1017
01:02:00,634 --> 01:02:04,346
Yeah. So I talked to Keenan." "Bitch!"

1018
01:02:10,644 --> 01:02:15,274
People ask, who's the funniest one
in the Wayans family?

1019
01:02:15,357 --> 01:02:19,361
[audience shouting]

1020
01:02:19,445 --> 01:02:20,946
I digress.

1021
01:02:21,780 --> 01:02:25,534
The funniest person
in the Wayans family is my mama.

1022
01:02:25,617 --> 01:02:27,411
My mama.

1023
01:02:27,494 --> 01:02:33,041
Elvira Alethia Green Wayans Sr.

1024
01:02:33,125 --> 01:02:35,169
is the funniest woman I ever met.

1025
01:02:35,252 --> 01:02:40,424
So funny that, yes, there is a junior
that exists with that slave name.

1026
01:02:42,050 --> 01:02:45,345
My mother was brilliant.
My mother never did standup comedy,

1027
01:02:45,429 --> 01:02:48,891
but she was naturally a gifted comedian.

1028
01:02:48,974 --> 01:02:52,102
Her life was one great standup comedy set.

1029
01:02:52,186 --> 01:02:54,396
Her life. Here's why.

1030
01:02:54,480 --> 01:02:56,523
A great comedian can come on a stage,

1031
01:02:56,607 --> 01:02:58,317
and they can make you laugh

1032
01:02:59,318 --> 01:03:01,320
with the shit that hurts them the most.

1033
01:03:02,112 --> 01:03:03,864
They're taking their pain.

1034
01:03:03,947 --> 01:03:08,368
These people are dying inside,
and they're making you laugh.

1035
01:03:08,452 --> 01:03:11,288
And that laughter is healing for us.

1036
01:03:11,371 --> 01:03:13,957
And that's called having the last laugh.

1037
01:03:14,041 --> 01:03:16,710
[applause]

1038
01:03:16,793 --> 01:03:19,087
My mother did that with her life.

1039
01:03:19,171 --> 01:03:22,925
The thing that hurt my mama most
was my father's religion.

1040
01:03:23,008 --> 01:03:27,846
Not because he was a man of God,
but because she was God fearing too.

1041
01:03:27,930 --> 01:03:30,474
But my mother was a romantic.

1042
01:03:30,557 --> 01:03:32,809
My mother loved holidays. Why?

1043
01:03:32,893 --> 01:03:35,771
Because she loved
to celebrate those that she loved.

1044
01:03:35,854 --> 01:03:38,941
And damn it,
she just wanted to be celebrated.

1045
01:03:39,024 --> 01:03:42,069
But my father's religion
prevented her from doing that.

1046
01:03:42,861 --> 01:03:44,988
She was heartbroken.
Every fucking holiday,

1047
01:03:45,072 --> 01:03:46,740
she would cry herself to sleep.

1048
01:03:47,699 --> 01:03:50,953
Now, my father, being a man of God,

1049
01:03:51,036 --> 01:03:53,789
being Jehovah's Witness,
he would not celebrate any holiday.

1050
01:03:53,872 --> 01:03:55,374
So one day, it was Father's Day.

1051
01:03:55,457 --> 01:03:57,459
My brother Keenan
came home from California.

1052
01:03:57,543 --> 01:03:58,794
He had made some money.

1053
01:03:58,877 --> 01:04:01,296
He said, "We're going to celebrate Pop
this Father's Day."

1054
01:04:01,380 --> 01:04:03,257
We was like,
"This nigga don't celebrate Father's Day."

1055
01:04:03,340 --> 01:04:04,800
He's like, "We're not gonna
call it Father's Day.

1056
01:04:04,883 --> 01:04:06,927
We're going to call it Happy Wednesday.

1057
01:04:08,220 --> 01:04:10,097
We're gonna buy him some gifts,
gonna write him some cards."

1058
01:04:10,180 --> 01:04:12,099
So we bought him some gifts,
we wrote him some cards.

1059
01:04:12,182 --> 01:04:14,643
My father opened the gifts.
He opens the cards.

1060
01:04:14,726 --> 01:04:16,812
And my dad started crying

1061
01:04:16,895 --> 01:04:20,732
because he couldn't believe the sentiments
that he heard from his children.

1062
01:04:20,816 --> 01:04:23,610
This nigga went his whole life
with never hearing,

1063
01:04:23,694 --> 01:04:26,947
"I love you, Dad. Thank you, Dad.
What a wonderful father you are."

1064
01:04:27,030 --> 01:04:29,908
So he read these things and he cried.

1065
01:04:30,701 --> 01:04:36,957
And from that day on, my father made it
a tradition to celebrate Father's Day.

1066
01:04:37,040 --> 01:04:39,042
[audience laughing]

1067
01:04:43,589 --> 01:04:44,756
Now...

1068
01:04:46,258 --> 01:04:49,970
this pissed my mama off even more!

1069
01:04:51,013 --> 01:04:53,599
My mother said, "Nigga, Father's Day?

1070
01:04:54,391 --> 01:04:57,477
Not my birthday?
You nipple-dick nigga!

1071
01:04:57,561 --> 01:05:00,731
Not my anniversary? Faggot balls!

1072
01:05:00,814 --> 01:05:04,067
You gonna celebrate Father's Day?"

1073
01:05:04,151 --> 01:05:09,281
Now, knowing my mother,
the brilliant comedian that she is,

1074
01:05:09,364 --> 01:05:12,075
what day do you think my mama died?

1075
01:05:12,159 --> 01:05:15,162
- [audience] Father's Day.
- Father's Day!

1076
01:05:15,245 --> 01:05:21,460
That's why she was trying to stay alive
at 11:56 p.m. on Saturday, June 19th.

1077
01:05:21,543 --> 01:05:22,961
"Mm-mm, mm-mm!"

1078
01:05:23,045 --> 01:05:25,589
Four minutes later
it was going to be Father's Day.

1079
01:05:25,672 --> 01:05:30,427
She wanted to take that nigga's
only fucking holiday from him!

1080
01:05:30,510 --> 01:05:34,765
She said, "Happy Wednesday, motherfucker!"

1081
01:05:34,848 --> 01:05:39,102
- [cheering, applause]
- Thank you.

1082
01:05:42,272 --> 01:05:44,483
Thank you, New York. Thank you, Harlem.

1083
01:05:44,566 --> 01:05:47,736
[cheering]

1084
01:05:55,869 --> 01:05:58,664
- [voicemail beeps]
- [Marlon's mom] <i>Good morning, baby boy.</i>

1085
01:05:58,747 --> 01:06:02,167
<i>Just calling to find out whose ass
are you kicking today.</i>

1086
01:06:02,250 --> 01:06:04,503
[laughs] <i>Thought that was a good one.</i>

1087
01:06:04,586 --> 01:06:06,797
<i>I love you.
Call me when you get a chance.</i>

1088
01:06:08,006 --> 01:06:10,676
<i>♪ This is my darling ♪</i>

1089
01:06:10,759 --> 01:06:13,220
<i>♪ Oh my honey ♪</i>

1090
01:06:13,303 --> 01:06:18,266
<i>♪ He's my darling and my honey pie ♪</i>

1091
01:06:18,350 --> 01:06:20,852
<i>♪ He's my darling ♪</i>

1092
01:06:20,936 --> 01:06:23,313
<i>♪ Honey, baby ♪</i>

1093
01:06:23,397 --> 01:06:28,235
<i>♪ I could love him 'til I die ♪</i>

1094
01:06:28,318 --> 01:06:30,195
[smacks kiss]

1095
01:06:30,278 --> 01:06:33,740
[soft music plays]